"Self-consciousness is the first thing that will upset the completeness of the life in God." One of the things about me that I consider a strong quality is that I am self-aware. I am aware of my short comings, emotional problems, and even behavior patterns. I examine them to know why I do whatever I do, think what I think, and feel. For the purposes of getting out of an addictive life-style, that may be fine; a way to wake up from denial. But I from today's entry, and the observation of others, I see I need to move beyond that.
Self-control is not what works for an addict. Self-control, biblically speaking, is a quality produced by my Master in me. So, it increases the closer I am to Him. I have been trying self-control on my own, and it's not working like I thought it would. I see that I have fallen into a common addict-trap of "all-or-nothing" thinking. My method of self-control has been abstinence, and the answer is supposed to be transformation. The irony is that I didn't become aware of what I was doing until the effects were brought to my attention by my wife.
I have traded a form of control, not exactly self-control, for another. I have taken "permissive" control and switched it for "abstinence" control. The idea is to completely empty out one part of my life, thinking, and behavior as evil, segment that off, and live without it. That way, the problem I have had with my behavior in that area is solved. There are several problems with that view. One of the biggest problems is that addictions and addictive thinking will, more often than not, simply jump from one behavior to another. I think that is what has happened here.
If an addiction to drugs and alcohol is beaten by abstinence but not transformation, then it has a very good chance of showing up in another behavior, or it may already exist on several behaviors at once. With transformation, the addiction no longer needs an outlet; the problem it was trying to fix is gone. I need transformation, not the appearance of control. One real important example of this is with eating. Addiction to eating is not solved by not eating any more. A solution that enables healthy practice is what is required, and that requires transformation.
In Romans 12:1 and 2, Paul speaks of transformation in passive terms. He says to "be transformed by the renewing of your mind" which means someone else is doing the work of transforming. This is clearly my Master who does this to me. And it is my Master who renews my mind. Intimacy with Him cures the hurt and problem that I used to medicate with my addictive behavior, and now medicate with my sense of self-control. The problem for me remains; my method of dealing with it has changed. But the solution lies with my Master, not within me. I have a hurt, a…something; so much for being self-aware.
The transformation by the renewing of my mind means that these paradigm shifts I have written of in previous entries come home to roost in my mind and life. They become the true living framework for my life. That clearly hasn't happened yet. The problem of my busted painful paradigm remains, possibly in pieces or just parts, but remains. I still feel emotionally exhausted, and I don't know why. It may seem trivial, but I think I need two things. One I need more intimacy with my Master, and two, I need more intimacy with my wife. So, perhaps two disciplines need to be practiced.
I am good at disciplines, proven by the string of entries in this blog. I know I can discipline myself. I must discipline myself to make myself more available to my Master, not to improve myself or fix my problem. The danger is that the discipline becomes the new "self-control mechanism" rather than of my Master. Practicing being conscious of my Master is good and profitable. Practicing being conscious of my wife and her needs is also a good and profitable discipline. But neither one is "self-control" but rather submission to the transforming work of my Master; giving Him permission and room to renew my mind with new paradigms.
Like practice, it will not happen fast, and I'm impatient. I want "systems" I can put in place and then forget about (like sprinkler systems). But all systems need attention and periodic maintenance; cars, tools, sprinkler systems, and relationships. Nothing my Master has put under my care comes without responsibility. I have not yet reached heaven, and have work to do here before that happens. The Big Book of AA refers to "trudging" and, while that doesn't sound very fun, many things I have to do don't have the "fun" payoff. But some do. Some responsibilities reap immediate and pleasant results; like intimacy with my wife!
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