Three Parts of Trust

This is the strangest entry in MUFHH so far.  It is split up into three short points on trust.  First off, I should not trust anyone but my Master.  He uses a verse in John which was really hard for me to translate into English, 2:24-25.  It spoke of Jesus not committing Himself to the crowds with whom He was popular.  I have been there for a long time, in fact I don’t remember how I got there, but I doubt it was pleasant.

I distrust to a point of being prejudiced against personality-based ministries.  So Billy Graham ministries never intrigued or attracted me (prejudiced).  But then again, I have never been one for TV evangelists or popular authors either.  I believe that, at some point, the attention on the person usurps the attention which belongs entirely to my Master.

Second, I should put the work of my Master first.  What Chambers means by this is the work of my Master in me.  The idea is that, before I run off and be “effective” for my Master, I should first be available to His hands to modify me.  I need to shed the idea that I’m fine as I am; that I am already what He wants me to be so I can be effectively used by Him.  So, one of the things that needs to go is pride.

Lastly, is hard for me to really understand.  I’m guessing there was a lot more to that point not in the entry which makes it clearer.  The gist, as best as I can see it, is that I am to allow my Master to be “born in me” like Bethlehem.  I think Chambers is describing the process of allowing Jesus to live more through me; to the point that others see Him more than me, or at least as much as they see me.

I am no way near there yet.  There are so many areas where my Master has yet to have mastery over me.  I still am so obvious; my fears, my pride, and my shame driving me instead of my faith, my awareness of my servant status before my Master, and my radical acceptance by my Master.  When those become more obvious than the fear, pride, and shame then I will be more like Bethlehem (a house of bread).  I will have something to offer.

Oswald Chambers' "My Utmost For His Highest": May 31st.

Abandon Yet Not Abandoned

Back, sometime last year, my family and I set a date to put our house on the market.  The idea was to see if my Master wanted us to move or not.  It sold in a week or so, while other homes in our neighborhood are still for sale.  He wanted us to move.  Then it was a matter of where.

My wife’s parents wanted us to come out there so they could spend more time at their condo in Oregon while we helped out with their other property.  That didn’t seem to be my Master leading, so we held off.  My wife’s job expanded, and she was given a promotion, and so on.  I figured we were staying.  But neither of us seemed interested in finding a house locally.

Then, my in-laws, my wife’s mom specifically, revealed personal health problems.  Her step-dad was having trouble physically taking care of the property, and they have issues keeping them from selling it, at any price.  He asked for help.  That was the clincher for me, for him to ask for help.  We were moving their way.

Now, Chambers’ writes of “abandon” and not having reservations or using common sense as the guide.  And I think I’m right there with him.  In Luke 9, at the end of the chapter, 2 people ask to follow Jesus, and 1 He asks.  They all have excuses, even the 2 who ask to follow Him (weird).  In verse 62, Jesus tells one that anyone starting to plow and looking back is not fit for the kingdom.  What he asked was to go and bid farewell to his household.  For that, he was considered unfit for my Master’s kingdom.

So, I’m left with this problem.  On the surface, I demonstrate that I am abandoned to my Master in that where He leads (to my in-laws), I go, and I go willingly and joyfully.  But I struggle in my thought life, my interior self.  Every once in a while, I revert to those thoughts that were driven by my passions and desires which have ruined much of my life, probably my ministry, and nearly my marriage.  I know what happens when I do that.  I know where it leads.  Sure, I didn’t “act” on it now, but those thoughts are consuming for me, and become compulsive for me.

I also know where those thoughts come from.  I know that they come from feelings of either shame or fear.  This is the reason I start my prayers with “You love me, You have my back.”  I know that the answer to these feelings is to go to my Master and submit to His truth; how He sees me.  He sees me that way out of His choice, not because I’ve earned it or am good enough to warrant that sort of attention.  I know that these thoughts come from forgetting that, from fear of my situation being out of my control.

So, my abandon is not total, and is not without the need for bolstering, and reaffirming.  I am weak and fearful.  I want control even knowing that’s not possible.  I want to know, without having to trust, that everything will turn out well.  The truth is that “well” needs definition.  The way I define “well” may not be the way my Master defines it.  So, what I need is submission to His definition of “well” because I know that His definition includes a peace which defies understanding; serenity. 

I have trusted my Master this far, and He has been faithful.  I will trust Him with the remainder.  But it is a struggle, I feel it even as I write.  It seems to good to trust that something bad will not come and take it all away.

All, so far, has been more than I could have imagined.  When we started this process, we were considering living without jobs, possibly in my in-laws house, with little savings.  First, we gained more savings than we could ever expect, protected from tax and liquid.  Second, my wife was told she could keep her job, just transfer to a different region (less time and therefore less pay, but still…).  Third, my job held out the possibility of me working remotely (that has not been finalized, but they are trying).  Lastly, my in-laws found and are getting us into a house, so we move from an apartment here, right into a house there (again, not quite finalized yet…).  It feels too good to be true.  I am waiting for the punch line that takes it all away.

Can you see it?  I do not trust my Master to give me good things.  It is not exactly what it sounds.  I know that my Master wants the best for me, it’s just that His best is often uncomfortable for me.  I know that what is best for me is to be totally reliant upon Him.  So I trust Him to take away anything which might distract me from that devotion.  See now?  I am afraid that if I rest in this amazing provision I will loose it.  On the other hand, if I dive into my Master only to keep the provision, I will still loose it.  I must not care about it at all, and I’m not great at doing that.  I need to look at my master and continue to wait, worship, and walk before Him. 

I can worship and be grateful for these provisions, but I must not allow them to distract me from this path and my peace found only in Him.  The truth is that with or without these provisions, we still go.  Into a house or into someone else’s house, we still go.  With a job or without one, we still go.  The part of this that does not change is that we still go.  That must be where I focus, rather than on the provision.  The provision is my Master’s issue, and it will come from His resources.  I take care of going; the truck, the trailer, packing, driving, etcetera.  Of course, even there I need His provision.  I am completely dependent, and bring very little to this venture.

You love me, You have my back, and I am at Your service.

Oswald Chambers' "My Utmost For His Highest": May 30th.

Christian Magic Words and Co-Dependency

Hocus Pocus, or Abracadabra, or some other nonsense are common references to “magic words”.  It seems that in my history with my Master I have some of my own.  They usually cap off my prayers with, “…in Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.”  It may not be obvious, but two sets were just used.

The first set of Christian “magic words” is the more obvious, “…in Jesus’ name I pray” phrase.  I picked this up from vocal prayers I heard in church growing up.  But I can’t really blame my upbringing, because when I did learn that they were not “magic words” I still continued to throw them into my prayers, so I am without excuse.  I picked up a habit, which I still practice, now for more co-dependent reasons.

The second, less obvious set is, “amen”, which is the vocal punctuation in church for ending prayers.  At least it is now, which is sad.  Again, this is more habit, and a co-dependent one as well.  If I don’t end with that, other believers get upset with me that I didn’t “signal” them I was done praying.

What I have arrived at in my current walk with my Master are three very effective ways to irritate other believers with whom I may pray audibly.  First, I can begin by praying to the Holy Spirit.  I have no idea why that irritates people but it does.  No one has given me an adequate explanation either, they’re just uncomfortable with it.  The second is to skip the whole, “…in Jesus’ name I pray,” phrase, which is forgivable, except when coupled with the third irritant, skipping, “amen” at the end.

With these three irritants present in the same prayer, I can test the spiritual waters in a Bible study, church group, or even a single believer.  But that would mean their presence (or absence) were just a ridiculous as their inclusion in a prayer.  Prayer is not a tool used to test spiritual waters, like some sort of litmus paper or dipstick.  Instead, it is personal communication with the Creator of the Universe.  Any other use is profane.

So that brings me to Chambers’ point about what is prayer supposed to be.  Returning to John 16, this time verses 26 and 27, he points to the phrases Jesus uses to lead into the prayer of Chapter 17, where He prays that we may be one with the Father as He is.  The point Chambers makes is that, when we are one with the Father, we will pray with the “nature” of Jesus, thus praying in His name without saying those words.  I suppose that is one way to look at it.  And I don’t want to say he’s wrong, because I don’t really know if he is or not.  He’s probably right, especially considering the context with John 17.  I just want to put a simpler frame on it.

I believe that praying in the name of Jesus resonated with the disciples with whom Jesus spoke.  I believe that the term had meaning in their day we miss in ours, because we have lost the whole “monarchy” or “imperial” governmental structures in our day.  In their day, to speak in someone’s name meant to speak with the authority and the words given by another, more powerful, person.  So, when a soldier spoke in the name of his commander, he spoke with authority above his rank.  But he also spoke what he was told to say by his commander. 

I believe this is the meaning the disciples understood, although they may not have had a clear understanding of how it applied to them asking of the Father.  I can assure you that they did not consider the phrase to be “magic words” ensuring they got whatever they wanted.  Their understanding would also have included the clearly understood punishment if the soldier spoke something other than what his commander commanded.  The disciples would have been left with the conundrum of asking only after Jesus had revealed what He wanted them to ask for.  It’s as if the process was reversed; instead of them asking through Jesus to the Father, Jesus asks through them to the Father…sort of.

What this means for me is that prayer, whether personal or public, needs to be communication with the Master of the Universe, not a show, or a rote connection of phrases.  I know that my Master wants things for me.  Those are the things for which I ask the Father, knowing I have whatever it is, because I ask for what the Son wants already.  It sounds redundant, and it is.  But it involves me intimately in the process of my sanctification (making me set apart for service to my King).

So, today, this day of public worship, I will speak to my Father in Heaven, asking only for what my Master wants for me; nothing more.  I will do so with the phrase, “…in Jesus’ name I pray” being true without being said.  I will do so with the declared, “amen” missing on my lips, but present in my heart.  I may even speak to the Spirit of the Living God as well, since He lives within me, interprets for me, and moves me into prayer in the first place.  If that bothers you…

Oswald Chambers' "My Utmost For His Highest": May 29th.

Not Asking But Knowing With Certainty–A New Type Of Prayer For Me

I like today’s entry.  It gets at the heart of where my current struggle lies.  The verse is John 16:23 where Jesus is telling His disciples about their life after He ascends.  What He says is that, in that day (after He ascends), they will not ask anything of Him, rather whatever they ask of the Father will be done for them.  He is getting at the access to the Father, which at that time went through Him, but after Him, will pass direct.  As Chambers’ points out, they will be one with the Father as Jesus is.  As I have pointed out before, this idea is overwhelming for me.

But right now, I struggle with how to pray.  I know that my Master has provision for employment all sewed up, even if I don’t see it.  That’s easy to say, but hard to let go of so I can have peace.  I need to revisit that occasionally to regain that peace.  I know that my Master has provision for where we shall live, even if I don’t see it yet.  Again, easier to say than to live out, and I revisit that one too.

But harder is that my in-laws are looking for a home on our behalf, and I fear that they may be becoming frustrated with the process.  I don’t want that.  We are making this move precisely to alleviate them of stress, and I don’t want to pile on something else in the process.  Secondly, I know that my Master has it covered, possibly through them, but not necessarily.  So, I want them to rely on our reliance upon my Master.  That’s co-dependent.  I may want them to do that, but I can’t stress over it.  What I can do is pray for them.  I can pray that my Master provide them the peace He has provided us; that He make clear to them through us that His provision is supreme, not their purchase power.

I am also concerned that the wheels of industry where I work will not rotate fast enough to decide on allowing me to work remotely before I leave.  Or that they will rush it, throwing something together that will not work well.  But these details are out of my control, and not my problem.  It is my Master’s problem to provide for these details.  While people may be under the impression they control, I know it is my Master really controlling the details, ones they cannot see, and may not be able to imagine.

So, my focus needs to be drawing closer to my Master, worshipping Him, walking before Him, being available to His will.  He loves me, He has my back, what is there to worry about, or what should distract me from what I have to focus on?  Romans 8 ends with this challenge, that since the Father judges, the Son justifies, and has paid the requirements of justice, who can bring a charge against me?  What have I to fear?  Nothing can separate me from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus my Master.  What else matters?

So, in this day, I do not ask my Master for anything.  But whatever I ask in His name (as in on His behalf) I know I have it.  So I ask for the peace and glory of my Master to be revealed to my in-laws.  I ask that in the name of my Master.  And I have whatever I ask.  Now, if they will just see what is being revealed to them.  But that is not my problem to worry about.

Oswald Chambers' "My Utmost For His Highest": May 28th.

Baptized, Filled, or What?

There is a division within groups of believers about specific belief regarding spiritual gifts.  One side believes that after a person is saved they then need the baptism of the Holy Spirit before they can truly live the life Jesus intended.  The other side of that view is that, at the point someone believes, they fully receive the Holy Spirit, and that IS the baptism of the Holy Spirit.

I waded into this discussion while pastoring in Northern Idaho among the wackiest sets of believers anywhere (some were members of my church).  It was an interesting learning experience.  I waded into the discussion on the side believing that the baptism of the Holy Spirit occurs when someone is saved.  As a result of what I discovered in Scripture, I had to modify that view to somewhere in the middle.

Perhaps a semantic issue is at work here.  The term “baptism of the Holy Spirit” is rare, not even occurring in some translations.  The term I looked up was “filled with the Holy Spirit”, which occurs rather frequently in Acts.  What I found is that the normal occurrence of the term was in reference to the present condition of the person which explained why there were able to take the action they did (or at least that’s my interpretation, and I can discuss that further if someone wants to pursue the subject).

There were only two exceptions to this, one more than I expected.  The first exception was the event of Pentecost where the believers were “filled with the Holy Spirit” as an event with reference to time.  That one I expected.  But, later on, in Chapter 4, the believers pray and are again “filled with the Holy Spirit” as an event with reference to time.  That one surprised me.  That indicated to me that this event can happen to the same people more than once. 

Why I say I ended up in the middle though is because the effect of the second filling was boldness, not speaking in tongues.  It seems that tongues came either initially, or isn’t referred to at all.  Unfortunately, this didn’t please either side of the discussion, and left me with more enemies than friends.  How dare I side with Scripture rather than them, what was I thinking?  Anyway, once again I found that my Master seems less interested in sides of arguments among His kids than the kids are.

So, to once again invoke the voice of my lovely wife, “so what?”  Well, what I believe from this is that I am full of my Master’s Holy Spirit.  But I also know that I can seek Him in prayer and experience the rush again of His Spirit enabling me to speak with boldness.  When I compare my abilities, skills, and knowledge against the onslaught of evil in this world, I don’t stand up well.  I need the resource of my Master just to stand, and the empowering of His Spirit to stand boldly.

Today, I endure the knife of a doctor before I head to work.  I face the last day of the fiscal month with my team behind and my manager under fire for it.  I look forward to a long weekend, but with lots of stuff in it.  Some of this I can handle, but a lot if it is beyond me.  So, knowing I face it with the power of the Spirit of my Master means that I can face this day with boldness.

Oswald Chambers' "My Utmost For His Highest": May 27th.

Continuously Praying Consistently

Prayer is one of the experiences of my life that has never seemed consistent.  In some ways that’s not good.  When I don’t consistently pray for instance.  But, in some ways, it’s very good.  When I don’t get stuck in a single mode, at a single time, with a single litany.

The verse Chambers uses today is 1 Thessalonians 5:17 where the short imperative of Paul, “pray continuously” is recorded.  When prayer is discussed, this imperative will unanimously be used.  I wonder if that is because it is understood, or because it isn’t. 

I have struggled with that imperative because it has flown in the face of the demonstrated definition of prayer provided to me by the church and my parents.  Witnessed prayer was always out loud, head bowed, and with a crowd.  If I were to pray continuously like that, well, I was a preacher, but that is definitely too long to speak, even for a preacher.

Clearly Paul, and my Master, has something else in mind.  Chambers says it should be like breathing or heart beats, constant and without conscious effort.  I agree, but it is also a degree of communion, so there has to be some sort of communication happening as well.  There is an interchange of some sort, and that is the part that I don’t understand very well.

I think part of my problem in understanding also stems from my learned definition of prayer.  Prayer that I witnessed was always unidirectional, from the person to the Master.  Prayer as seen in Scripture varied from unidirectional from the Master to the person, a discussion between the Master and the person, or unidirectional from the person to the Master, but with radical results.

My definition needs better grounding in Scripture rather than what I witnessed growing up.  The other issue is that prayer has to have a large internal element which cannot be witnessed in another.  The effects can be seen, which is why my mom would always ask, “have you had your quiet time today?” when I was demonstrating a bad attitude.  I hated that.  It bypassed what I was upset about, and was usually a good question, since more often than not, I hadn’t had my quiet time.

So, prayer needs to be constant flow between myself and my Master.  I need constant sensitivity to His Spirit.  I need to reflexively respond to Him in my momentary crises.  He should be the spontaneous impulse in my interactions or responses to others.  I should be speaking to Him whether internally or externally throughout events that happen, observations I make, and as I process meanings and draw conclusions.  I suppose that prayer can be the fundamental element of “abiding in Christ” or “walking in the light” or “living by the Spirit” or any of the other word pictures used in Scripture to describe the life I live in relationship to my Master.

I guess that as I wait, worship, and walk before my Master, prayer is my natural posture.  So, my Master loves me, has my back, and I am at His service, waiting, worshipping, and walking before Him in constant prayer.  And I thought I was busy yesterday.

Oswald Chambers' "My Utmost For His Highest": May 26th.

Choosing Not To Choose?

In Genesis 13:9, Abraham and Lot are separating their households because they have become too big for the same region.  Chambers points out Abraham’s decision to let Lot decide instead of choosing.  This was not Lot’s right, but rather, Abraham waived his right to choose.  It puts my choice to move to another state in a nice light.  But also causes me to pause in considering my job situation.

Chambers points out that this was a test for Abraham, and he decided to let his Master choose for him.  In my situation, I waited until my in-laws asked for assistance, and then decided to move.  And there was peace about this in spite of all the uncertainties (job, housing, insurance, etc.).  But now my employer may make it possible to move and keep my job.  It would be an extreme test of our newer technology and infrastructure.  It would also mean I would get to keep my benefits.

But it would also mean I would still be tied to this company in the same way.  That is what I am not so sure about.  That is where I am letting my Master choose for me.  The easy thing would be to choose to remain with the familiar.  The difficult thing would be to accept not remaining with the security of benefits and steady pay.

But my situation is not Abraham’s.  I am not allowing someone else to choose in my place.  I don’t have a choice yet.  My employer has not made the offer, just mentioned the possibility.  There are still some hurdles to overcome, not the least of which is the security issues involved with the technology.  So, the choice is not before me as of yet.  If it is offered, I will need to assess the ramifications and decide.  But I’m not sure how to let my Master decide for me when the time comes.

There are a lot of things going on around me that involve my family and this move, but about which I have little or no control.  Yet I feel a sense of peace.  That is the thing which is so different from where I have been the past 15 years.  I used to have such confidence and a sense of peace in decisions.  I felt the path before me was clearly defined by my Master.  Yet now, torn by sin, damaged by life in so many ways, weary from idolatrous slavery, I am again at this place of peace; but am not the same person.  The pride is gone.  The self-reliance is nothing but debris.  The assurance that I can withstand anything life throws is now a junkyard remnant of the façade I used to show the world.

I do not believe that my Master brought me through the path I followed.  There was far too much sin involved for that.  Instead,  the radical acceptance of my Master is what was evident throughout.  He truly never forsook me, never left me.  What I did, I did myself in descending into the abyss of sin I chose.  What my Master did was accept me back as repentance took hold, and I shed my self-righteous shell. 

In fact, my Master protected me throughout.  He kept me from the more radical elements of my chosen sin.  He left His marks on me so that no one touched me or was attracted to me, making me an oddity among those who also had chosen this path.  I was foolish enough to be puzzled by this, and even lament it at times.  It is only now I see the hand of my Master working on my behalf to protect me, and guide me back to Him.  Why would He want me so badly as to go to all that effort?  I seriously have less to offer Him than so many others.  Among pots of clay, I am one of the shabbier ones.  Why choose that one to house His glory?

I can only assume that my history of frailty and brokenness will cause His glory to shine all the more.  Perhaps it is the shabbiness of the pot that causes His glory to be more evident in contrast.  I would think that a finer setting would compliment the gem, but my Master has chosen a common setting for His gem, and I am the more precious of jewelry because of it.  The value is in the Master Craftsman’s work and the Gem of His Spirit He placed in the center.  The bent and tarnished elements are the pieces of me still visible.  Some of these He works into the design, and others He is in the process of working out of the piece.

Oswald Chambers' "My Utmost For His Highest": May 25th.

Work or Stay Home Sick? What Would Jesus Have Me Do?

Today I feel better, but not great.  I am still sick and I will attempt to go into work and last as long as I can.  I need a shave, to wash my hair, and a hair cut.  The hair cut will have to wait.  Sure I have things to do at work today.  I have email to catch up on, I have phone messages to answer, and I have lots of work from the convention that needs to be entered and followed up upon.  I will b busy.  My head will be fuzzy.  And I will very tired.  So why go?

The entry for today talks of my Master’s appearance to the Apostle John while he was exiled on Patmos.  The response of John when he sees my Master in His glory is to fall as dead at His feet.  The reason is that John had not seen Jesus in this way before.  He had seen Him as a Son of Man, and he had seen Him transfigured.  But this vision he has of my Master is very different, and not familiar.  John was given a gift to see my Master in a new, more powerful way.

I go to work, not because I have been given a new vision of my Master which makes me fall as if dead.  I go to work because I have already seen my Master as One enduring suffering on behalf of others.  I go for my team.  I will be gone as of next month, and what I do now matters little to my pay check.  But the team is behind, my month is behind, and, although my year-to-date is just fine, I have a contribution to make.  I go for others.

On the other hand, what disease I have is communicable, and my team can easily become infected with it.  I run the risk that it can be transmitted airborne, so just breathing the same air with me is dangerous.  So, how is this really for others?  Am I not putting them in danger even as I claim to be working on their behalf?

Well, yes.  But my Master sought people who were not convenient.  I read of Him going where He was out of place.  Sure there is the risk that what I have is able to be spread to my team, but I have measures I can take.  The need out weighs the risk.

The other reason I go is because I am not sure that I will be able to last all day.  I go because I know I can at least make a start on my duties.  I hope to last all day, but I will need to balance that with how effective I am being versus how dangerous I am being.

What I really want is a new powerful vision of Jesus.  I want a vision of my Master that causes me to fall down as if dead.  I have seen things that have taken my breath away, but a vision of Him I still lack.  I want the effect of driving out fear, the effect of grounding faith so that I can move on to higher ground of belief and experience.

It all sounds very dramatic and impressive, but my Master has lots of other ways to draw me deeper into Him.  My imagination failed to see the option from my work which He brought into play.  He may not decide to provide that way, but it was a reminder and an assurance that He will provide.  That was something less dramatic which took me into deeper faith with Him.  I can rest in the promise that He has my back, and walk obediently in peace.

I will go into work and see what happens.  I may stay or I may not.  I will obey the prompting of my Master and leave or stay at His command.  Perhaps on the way there or once there I will be given the gift of a vision of Him.  Or perhaps, I will know the peaceful grace of assurance of His care.  It’s a win-win day of blessing ahead for me.

Oswald Chambers' "My Utmost For His Highest": May 24th.

Sick and Tired Meanderings

I want to go back to sleep.  I am tired, sick, and my head hurts.  I know that I don’t really want to read Chambers entry for today.  I know that Matthew 6:25 says don’t worry, but Chambers titles this entry with the word “infidelity” and I know where he is going with this.  If I worry about the details of my life like clothes, food, and lodging, I am being unfaithful to my Master.

I don’t like that because I more often than not have little care for most of those things.  But those are examples, not an exhaustive list.  I still worry about stuff, only my list has  work, friends/co-workers, and dogs on it.  It’s a different set of common things in life, and just as petty.  I too feel the infidelity of my attitude toward my Master.  I see that my lack of faith is misplaced when I worry about these things.

But here I sit in the sweats, sinus’ throbbing, eyes barely open trying to write this blog so I can document my failure to submit in these areas.  Now I’m nauseous too with coffee and sinus drainage.  I feel I should go in to work today to enter orders from the trade-show last week.  That is where the silly worry comes in.  Why worry?  If I’m sick, I can spread this around work since I got it from my family.  Why do I feel such a need to go in and work?  The month is ending, and this would take care of the remainder of my goal for the month, and the team is behind, so it would help them as well.

Essentially, my struggle with this verse, and the entire passage, is in the area of co-dependency.  I want to care for others so I feel better.  It’s not my job, that’s the job of my Master.  I want tranquility and peace in my home, yet in relationships, that is not always possible.  My desires may not match the passage, but they stem from the same place, and they are answered in the same way.  They come from my desire for control and fears, and they are answered by submission to my Master.  Chambers calls it abandon.  That’s a great way to put it.

So, today I will allow myself to be sick.  I will permit my family the space to be in turmoil.  I will submit to my Master in these situations, and know the peace and serenity from Him.  Today’s spiritual discipline is releasing my concern for my family and my co-workers to my Master.  I will concern myself with rest, fluids, tissues, and Tylenol.  I will rest in the belief that my Master has the rest under control.

Oswald Chambers' "My Utmost For His Highest": May 23rd.

Exploring the Trinity…From Within!

One of my favorite discussions to get into with atheists is about the Trinity.  They love that it doesn’t make sense, and, as it turns out, so do I.  Why would I expect the One responsible for this inexplicable universe to have a personality that made sense to me?  But as a believer, there are some serious aspects of the Trinitarian nature of my Master about which I am ill at ease.

For instance, this passage to which Chambers refers is one that I really find difficult.  It either is not referring to the Trinitarian nature of my Master, or it makes this nature accessible, and inclusive of me.  It’s one thing to say that my Master has this nature made up of Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, and the Three are One in some fashion.  It is a whole other matter to say then, that my Master’s human creatures (like me) can be included in this nature. 

The problem is that I know I will never be God.  Yet, for whatever reason, the Apostle John was convinced that we will be like Him.  I don’t know what it means to be “like” God, and in this passage I am even challenged further that I will be “in” my Master as my Master is “in” the Father.  Part of my problem with that is that the Apostle did not use some specific narrow Greek word for “just as”, or some special preposition for “in”, but the general purpose common words which are easily understood.  While the Greek preposition “in” has a wider range of meaning than the English equivalent, it still represents the idea of something penetrating beyond the surface and proceeding within the object. 

So taking only verse 21 of John 17, I am left with this idea that, just as Jesus is “in” the Father and the Father is “in” Jesus, so I will be in both.  That is some deep water.  It is a concept that troubles me.  I am not even as “clean” as Isaiah and his “unclean lips”.  My people are not even as “clean” as his “people of unclean lips”.  How can I be “in” my Master?  How can I exist within the boundaries of the Person responsible for creating, maintaining, sustaining, and eventually destroying something as vast as the immeasurable universe I live within?  I can’t even understand it on a micro-cosmic level, how can I be “included” within the Creator of it?

This is my real problem with the Trinity, not that my Master would have that as part of His nature, but that I can be somehow included in such a nature.  And not because I cannot accept or believe that such a nature has the capability to include others in it, but rather because I know my sin and profane nature.  How can someone like me (and there are many like me in this world) be included in this way with One like Him?

I know this bothers me, but my Master has a very familiar answer.  It is possible because my Master makes it possible.  I cannot be holy, but my Master sanctifies me (the process of making me holy).  I cannot be perfect without sin, but my Master takes away the wrath demanded by justice for those defects on which I have worked so diligently (a process also known as “propitiation”). 

These are the activities taken by my Master which make such an inclusion in the very nature of my Master not just possible, but inevitable.  That is where I am headed regardless of how much I cannot understand or refuse to accept it.  I am to be somehow included within the boundaries of this Person, this Creator of the micro and macro cosmos.

So, if this is my destiny, laid out by One so powerful so as to make it as certain as the dawn, why then should I be concerned about a job, insurance, house, food, clothes, car, and anything else uncertain as my family transitions to living in a different state?  Seriously, what else matters if that destiny is certain?  What else can compete for my concern if that future lies just ahead?  What is left to worry about?  What is there to cause me angst?  How can anything unsettle me if that is true?  I would hope that dogs would not make me as upset as they do, but they do.

If I live my life with the certainty that I will be included in my Master, then the last part of verse 21 will also become true.  The world (cosmos) will believe that my Master was sent with a purpose.  The purpose and intent of this inclusion is the eventual inclusion of others in this cosmos.  I am not supposed to be alone in this amazing impossible experience.  But, rather, as I experience and live this inclusion out daily, others see and believe, and hopefully enter into the inclusion as well.  Faith allows me entrance into Heaven, love enables me to bring friends.  So, once again, it isn’t really about me after all.  How surprising…or not.

Oswald Chambers' "My Utmost For His Highest": May 22nd.

The “Secret” of My Success

One fun element of my life is when I discover I am accidentally right.  So much of my life is shot from the hip that discovering I got something right is a fun diversion.  There are times I don’t guess, or take an educated guess about facts, and that’s not to what I’m referring.  What I’m talking about are those rare times I decide on a course of action, a direction, or even a restaurant and it turns out right.  The action was timely, the direction was where I needed to be, the restaurant had a short wait and great food.  I wish it happened more, and I have noticed that it has lately.

I have believed that, when my relationship with my Master is in good shape, I have a knack for making good decisions.  Obviously the qualifier makes it clear that the “intuitive” process is actually the Spirit of my Master connecting the dots for me out of sight in my unconscious mind.  He becomes the “wizard” behind the curtain, and really just as obvious.  It clearly can’t be me.  So, when Chambers uses Matthew 6:33, this verse makes a lot of sense to me.  This is my “secret for success.” 

In conversations, I give the impression that I’m smart, intentionally.  I also try to give the impression that I do a lot of thinking, probably more than is good for me.  But when it comes down to important stuff, the right word at the right time, hard decision, keen insight, stuff apart from random tidbits of useless knowledge, I’m not the one shining through.  I can’t be.  The real stuff in my life that is truly impressive and not fluff and show comes from my Master.  I get my best lines from Him.  I get my best insights from Him.  He makes me look real good, like a real good supporting actor.

At those times I try to appear smart, I doubt I’m really fooling anyone.  When I try to seem deep, my shallow self shows.  But when I am truly seeking the Kingdom, my King does the real stuff, and all my pretenses are lost in the reality of His action through me.  Then it becomes clear that I am a servant of the King, not the king.  It is my hope that I also appear to be a knight of the realm.  It is then that my true character marked by the presence and power of my Master truly shines through, and He is truly glorified in me.

Oswald Chambers' "My Utmost For His Highest": May 21st.

What Underlies Successful Spiritual Disciplines?

For today, I am back at my usual computer.  And today, I am with Chambers less than the other three days.  Today, using Luke 21:19, he makes a point that I have a lot of responsibility to build my Christian life.  His reference to discipline is almost lost in the discussion that I may be lazy or ignorant of how much I am capable of doing.

As I have mentioned, I am of the 12-Step crowd, and the idea that I am powerless, and what that means runs deep through my soul.  The discipline part is where I agree, and would say that there may be some believers who never develop disciplines.  I would say that most develop something, even if the discipline is not consistent for years at a time.  But I would also say many develop disciplines for their entire lives.

To be fair, I have had common spiritual disciplines most of my life, and still followed compulsive sinful paths, even in the same day the disciplines were practiced.  As Richard Foster has said, spiritual disciplines do not make me more holy or more spiritual, they make me more available to my Master.  Availability is made up of more than Bible reading and prayer.  Or it may be better to say that Bible reading and prayer are not the processes which make me more available.  There needs to be a mental shift, or focus or something that must pervade these disciplines.  It is not enough to go through the motions and see effective change.  They are not magical elements, they are acts of submission; or should be.

My struggle amongst them had more to do with an underlying fear and depression than with the habit itself.  I have been afraid of rejection, discovery and transparency, and feared that I have not been accepted by my Master.  I have struggled with depression for most of my adult life (as it turns out the symptoms have been very common in my life).  So, there were some underlying issues of submission (not taking Scripture at face value and seeing God from that perspective for instance), and psychological problems which kept me from effectively being available to my Master, even though I practiced some spiritual disciplines.

I do agree that spiritual disciplines are important.  For me, this blog is one which has been invaluable in my growth recently.  I also believe that honestly addressing my depression with anti-depressants has helped.  Working with my 12-step sponsor, and getting psychological therapy, has helped tremendously.  Loosing weight didn’t hurt either, but it was not initially a spiritual discipline, and didn’t initially help.  It has been keeping it off that has become helpful.  Or perhaps these other things have helped keep it off.  But in either case, I am different from who I was this time last year.  I am different just over the last 6 months.  And that difference has several things at its base all of which are elements of submission to my Master.

So, in all change I have enjoyed, all disciplines which I now follow, and all the success I now have is due to my Master.  Once I began to submit, then Chambers’ entry becomes accessible.  I had to settle that issue first.  Even now I struggle with that issue, and truly letting my Master be Master of my life is a slower process than I like.  But I am further along, and I see progress.  I am encouraged to go further.  And so I go.  The disciplines will keep me submissive and available.  My determination to take another step toward my Master will increase that availability.

Today I have a day off from my work I have been doing the last four days.  I will enjoy the day with my family, and I suspect I will have ample opportunities to submit to my Master.  Hopefully, at the end of the day, I will be able to say that I am more submissive and more available to Him.

Oswald Chambers' "My Utmost For His Highest": May 20th.

The Love That Never Fails

I love Romans 8, so when Chambers goes there in MUFHH, I know it will be a good one.  Today, he uses the ending of the chapter.  It follows on the accusations I suffer from the Adversary who accuses me before my Master.  The problem with this effort is that the Judge's Son defends me, and He has already paid for the requirement of Justice Himself.  So, the effort to accuse me has no real effect on the outcome of my future, only the situation of my day today.  This is because, while my Master pays no attention to the accusations from His defeated foe, I listen, and often believe the Accuser rather than my Master.  The Accuser sounds more rational, and I suspect he's right.

Eventually I come around to the truth that nothing can separate me from the love of my Master, but it sometimes is a round about path to get there.  I sometimes need to fight silly battles with myself before I can see through the fog to the reality around me.  The truth that my Master has already paid whatever debt I owe to balance Justice means that nothing can separate me from Him, and that includes myself.  I forget that.  I come around to believing that I have done something that, now, makes me unacceptable.  That is not possible.  I love that my Master has taken care of all the details.  I love that I have nothing to worry about.  It seems completely unfair.  I love that too.  It is unfair.  It is the same unfair position enjoyed by every believer and available to every person.  But it is still radically unfair.

Because I am unacceptable, yet accepted; because I am a failure yet succeed; because I have missed the mark, and still am awarded the medal; my situation is completely unfair.  I am permitted to enter the dwelling of my Master not because I earned it, or achieved it, or even somehow out smarted the system.  I am permitted because of the love of my Master.  The love of Jesus, the love of God in Christ, the power of the Holy Spirit, the working out of His plan and desire in this world all conspired to bring me into a relationship with Him, and keep me there.  That is why I cannot be separated from His love.  That is the reality I live out today, the reality I enjoy everyday.  It is where my peace comes from, where my serenity is housed and flows from.  That truth guides my life, not just my day.  It is why this blog is written every day.  Not out of compulsion, but out of gratitude, out of worship and praise.  I am a saved person because my Master saved me.  What else matters.

The Peace of Growing and Flying

I sort of feel bad that I am in a situation where I cannot devote enough attention to these MUFHH entries.  The one for yesterday, and again today's are great, and need more of my attention.  Chambers refers to Matthew 6:26 and 28, familiar passages on worry, yet I had not considered them as he does today.

He points out that the lilies just grow, they don't work, toil, spin thread, weave cloth, and they don't put all their effort into being pretty.  The point Chambers makes is that I shouldn't try to be what my Master has designed me to be, and what He is working to transform me into.  This is important for me to remember.  I do worry how I appear to others.  I worry that I am being what I need to be for my Master.  I wonder if I said the right thing, at the right time, for the right reasons.  It drives me crazy.  I need to remember what Chambers points out.  I need to just relax and let my Master transform me.  My job is to be available.  My task is submission.  In that there is the peace I so desperately need.

So, peace is found in not striving, but living in submission.  The stress of meeting a standard is replaced by the peace of meeting with my Master.  The pressure of becoming acceptable is replaced by the serenity of a relationship with the Master and Sustainer of the Universe.  Life is metamorphed into abundant life.  I am used beyond my ability; my ability to see, my ability to understand, my ability to achieve, to make, or to do.

So, in the tension of this day, I will be the serene one among the stressed out achievers.  My achievement for the day is being available to my Master, and letting Him dictate how I respond to the crush of customers.  They have needs that are subject to their need for my Master.  How can I meet their surface needs in a way that points to their need for my Master?  That is my task for the day.

What Does My Master's Location Mean For Me?

Today's entry in MUFHH is one to which my response is really just AMEN!  Chambers has capsulized the good news which my Master accomplished in very clear beautiful way.  It included the time from Transfiguration to the Ascension.  The point he made is that by coming down from the event of the transfiguration, enduring the crucifixion, experiencing the resurrection, and ascending back into glory, Jesus completed what was left open in the transfiguration.

I'm not sure I necessarily agree with that, but it is certainly interesting to me.  Really, what I was pulled toward was the Ascension.  One of the interesting things about the resurrection, in terms of a narrative, is that it leaves the Savior of the World still in exile in His creation.  The Ascension completes the story with Jesus as the main Character.  The record of Acts continues the story with the Holy Spirit as the main Character.  The necessary transition is the Ascension.  Jesus said that unless He left, the Spirit would not be able to come.  The transition of the story pivoted on the event of my Master's disappearance into the clouds.

The effect on me is huge.  Because of this event, the Spirit has come.  Because my Master ascended, I am connected to Him and to other believers in unimaginable ways.  I am not constrained to my own abilities and devices.  I am freed to be available to Him.  I am free to obey, and empowered to submit.  I can fearlessly engage in every endeavor I am sent into.  I never move, think, or act alone.  The effect transforms my very existence into an extension of my Master's purpose, design, plans, glory, majesty, power, grace, peace, and so much more.  I am an impression of the presence and power of my Master into this world.  As mass causes an impression in spacetime, so I am such an impression of my Master in this His creation.  Hopefully, as effect of the impression of my Master through me, draws others to Him as mass attracts mass through spacetime.  Gravity pulling all things through the universe, and drawing them toward my Master; a cosmic astronomical ballet perfectly designed performed.

My Master Will Pick Up the Tab

One of the things that I hear believer say when the price tag is attached to whatever ministry they want to pursue is ,"'God owns the cattle on a thousand hills,' and He'll pick up the tab."  This sounds like a great statement of faith on the surface, but it is difficult not to also suspect that it is justification for whatever.  One problem I have for the easy use of this statement is that it is true, my Master does own immeasurable resources, but that they are restricted or more often financial, and I  believe that the resources are much more extensive.

I have needs for strength, courage, peace, and vision.  Money is often a need, but I have had to deal with less.  I have been a paid minister making less than $20k so, while I know that my Master has unlimited resources, I also know He doesn't always increase my allowance.  But I have never known Him to be short on strength, courage, peace, and so on needed for suscess in whatever He leads me into.  That is the Master for Whom I work, and those are the resources He provides me without reservation.

So, sometimes I barely make it.  Sometimes I run short of what I need or want.  There are times I have too much to know what to do with.  I have overshot my own wisdom and discovered I was actually foolish.  But these short falls were because I failed to rely on my Master and His resources.  Sure there are difficulties associated ministries, callings, and direction given by my Master, but His provision is always sufficent.  I know that while He may not provide what I expect, He will always provide.

While I know that my Master's provision is sufficient, I also know that my habitual reliance on Him is insufficient.  I catch myself worrying, and then back off, sit back, and begin talking to the One I should have started with.  I learn so slowly.  I am now seeing my Master do great things in my life.  I am excited to see His provision, which has already out-stripped my imagination.  I have much to be thankful for.

Sleep-Deprived Evidence of Grace

Oddly, lots has worked my favor lately. Not everything though. The internet is not included here. My daughter is too young to enjoy many of the amenities. And I am once again blogging from my phone. I don't like that, because my already bad spelling is made worse by a difficult keyboard.

But a lot has gone my way. I have been blessed once again to tour a great engineering achievement. I am here with my family, yet on business trip, so some of it is expensed (but I to work while my family plays). The flight went well.

But I am tired. It is my hope and prayer that I have been a reflector of my Master through the length of this day. I believe that is true, yet I missed an opportunity to speak with the guy next to me about my Master. Well, perhaps in the week ahead. Now I need sleep. Blessings upon y'all.

Oswald Chambers' "My Utmost For His Highest": May 15th.

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The Glory of God in a Cracked Pot–Do You See It?

In 2 Corinthians 4:10, Paul is wrapping up an unhappy list of afflictions that believers suffer, along with the corresponding assertion that the believer still survives it.  It is “happy” that the believer survives, but it is difficult to believe that followers of Jesus would be very effective at sharing the “good news” of Jesus using this passage.  At least it would seem so on the surface. 

Paul wraps up the examples of harsh living with “always carrying about the death of Jesus in the body so that the life of Jesus might be revealed in the body.”  This statement is a great way to cap off the preceding verses of survived strife.  And it would seem that it would be the least attractive way to convince someone to believe Jesus has any “good news” available.  But when the list is really examined, what is found is that it contains much that is common in life.  The statement bandied about by most parents (probably in every culture on the planet) that “life is not fair” is so common because it’s true.  In many ways, in all walks of life, in a multitude of circumstances, life is tough.  What is so remarkable about these statement is the victory implied by each, including the last.  The last says that the reason for the victory through life, as bad as it may be, is that Jesus’ resurrection might be proven to be true.

So, when I “suffer” in this unfair life, the victory of my endurance and perseverance displays the power and life of my Master.  I am clearly not equal to the task.  For instance, when it became clear to me that my Master wanted my family and I to move out of state to assist my in-laws, I didn’t hesitate.  We set a date, marked the calendar, rented a truck for that date, and are ready to go.  That is without prospects of job, house, or anything else.  People asked us and looked at us like we were nuts, sort of.  There was this marvel in their eyes.  And it was clearly a mental reassessment of who we are, and what our lives are about.  We simply said our family needs us and we’re going.  As we do so, and people witness this peaceful working out of such a decision, I think it becomes clear that the difference about us has to come from somewhere else.  People just don’t do such things, not normally.  So, the only thing they know about me that explains this difference is my belief in my Master.  That is what is different about me from them, and they know that.  So, as I go through this transition, it is my Master Who shines through. 

This is true even though they know of failures on my part.  I have owned them.  Perhaps they have seen some changes lately, but I have not denied my failures.  So, what they witness is an admitted imperfect follower of Jesus, who, when it comes down to the tough choices just does the right thing.  The trust in being cared for is clear, and just as clear is that there is nothing tangible, just trust.  So, the clarity of my Master’s glory is still not as clear as it would be through a cleaner vessel, but His mercy and grace could not be more evident.  I’m a cracked pot containing the unimaginable treasure of the glory of the Master of the Universe.  It’s hard not to tell what’s inside when the outside is so broken.  The holes in my character are the spaces in my life where my Master shines the brightest.

Now, as it turns out, the imagination of my Master has exceeded my own once again.  A possibility has arisen which may hold the opportunity of moving but still maintaining my job.  There are hurdles to be worked out, but the possibility is still there.  Even if it does not work out, that my Senior Supervisor even suggested it means a lot to me.  So I am once again blessed beyond my own qualities.  I pray that either way this option turns out that my Master’s grace and power once again shines bright through the gaps in my life.  I believe it will.  It has so far, and this does not take away something I have now, rather holds out the possibility of adding.  I truly have nothing to loose, so the blessing is there either way.  And this is evidence to which I cling, evidence that my Master will provide one way or the other from an imagination I cannot hope to match.  Call it faith if you want, but to me, once evidence like this shows up, it seems too easy to believe to call faith.  But, on the other hand, it makes it easier to step out on faith for all the other decisions I make.

Oswald Chambers' "My Utmost For His Highest": May 14th.

Picking Out The Right Whisper

One thing that plagues my mind is distinguishing the voice of my Master from all the other noise. I have allowed a lot of noise into my mind, and it gets hard sometimes. This is true to a large degree because the Spirit of my Master refuses to shout at me. The enemy has no trouble shouting, which is often what gives him away. But sometimes, I have to distinguish between two whispers.

Today, Chambers refers to a verse where the King James uses a term, “a conscience void of offence,” and I have never heard that term. In Acts 24:16, Paul is defending himself in a speech before the governor of Palestine, Felix. In that speech, he says that, in view of his belief that he will stand before God, he tries to keep his conscience from “bumping into other stuff”; an idiom for not offending what he knows to be in agreement with his Master and other people. I worked over this phrase seeking a good English equivalent. Unfortunately, this word is not used very often in Scripture. Another problem is that is a negated form of a much older word meaning “look-out”. By the time it reached common use in the First Century Greek-speaking world, it changed around and the negated form means to be careful. I wrangled with that, the difference between the two words, and how they were not antithetical like I wanted them to be. I realized that I was listening to the wrong whisper.

See my problem? Even in the midst of seeking the meaning of the Scripture inspired by my Master I can be distracted by a false whisper. Why work so hard to find out what other translators and the context of the verse support so thoroughly? I was re-inventing the wheel, which is an activity of pride; as if I can make a better wheel. I had enough to move ahead with once I had the image of “not bumping into stuff” with a corresponding analogy of “not a bull in a china shop”. Why not stop there? Why work over the linguistic development which I have no tools to evaluate? And to what end would I do such work anyway? The word meant what it did when Paul (and Luke) used it; go with it, Stupid! But no, I had to figure it out.

Well, I didn’t figure it out. I was left with the sense that something had happened between the use in times before Jesus was born and use during the days of Paul and Luke. Again, the voice of my wife resonates in the back of my head, “so what?” And this time I had no answer.

So, in this small isolated case, what if I did become distracted by the wrong whisper, what was the harm? Not so much except that I burnt up time I could be writing for time spent researching to no purpose. This happens to me throughout my day and is the greatest sap of my time management skills. I get caught in the minutia and bogged down so much I can’t complete a task. I hate finishing, leaving a mess, and moving on. Which is fine, but if the “mess” is simply loose ends of a situation which is in essence solved, it really is just my curiosity and not really a mess at all. I call it a mess to excuse my excessive preoccupation with it. I want to know the why’s, the in’s and out’s, and who did what to whom with a fork. Who cares once the situation is resolved?

If I can learn the discipline of focus on the whisper of the Spirit of my Master in these small things, then, when big things happen, I will be ready already. Small events prepare me for the larger ones. They are practice, and, in my job, I have a lot of them. Yesterday, and the day before, I actually started to work it correctly. I had fewer bogs. There is hope for me. Today, I will increase my focus on moving to the next situation once the current one is solved. I know my manager will be pleased to know that. She’ll probably wonder why I started listening to her after all these years.

Oswald Chambers' "My Utmost For His Highest": May 13th.

Can I See Past This Blog To The Master Behind?

The entry in MUFHH today again forces me to consider what it is I do with this blog.  The challenge from Chambers this morning is to not allow a habit to become the point.  When writing this blog becomes the point rather than the work of my Master through this expression, then it needs to end.  Or at least it should fade behind my desire to reach out and be available to my Master.

The point of this blog, as I have said from the beginning and at various points throughout, is to be accountable for my spiritual walk with my Master.  It’s never been for the readers, but for my own spiritual development before my Master.  For too long in my life, I have tried to make my walk with my Master my own business.  But I struggle with an addiction, and addictions thrive in secret.  Private life with God is not a luxury I can afford.  Failure to be transparent with my life will enable my old sinful desires to once again hold sway over me.  So, that is the point.

This blog has become something I am almost obsessive about, posting from my phone when I can’t get it finished at home.  While camping, while traveling, and when events rearrange my routines, I still make time to make an entry.  It has become the thing I will do each day.  Does that mean that it has supplanted my desire for time with my Master?  I don’t think so for one reason.  It is because of these entries that I seek my Master throughout the day.  They form the framework of what we discuss, how I move through the day listening for His voice or prompting.  What I mean is that, without these entries, I do not think I could focus enough on my Master to truly be open to His Spirit and work. 

The discipline of processing the entries in this devotional, processing the verses of Scripture, and processing my day or sins, ties together important elements I have not tied together before.  I have read devotional entries, and have shrugged my shoulders and turned to a distracted prayer time.  I have read a Scripture, translated it from Hebrew or Greek, and then turned from it to an unfruitful time of focus on my Master.  Sometimes I was able to focus better than others, but at no time have I experienced this amount of focused time on my Master and His work in my life.

I do feel a bit strange and self-centered to be daily producing a document open to anyone, yet not for them.  I feel like I am being selfish to ask people to read these entries, when the point is for my benefit, not theirs.  But I have to accept that I need help.  I need people to read these entries, comments are helpful, because they remind me that I am no longer a secretive follower of my Master.  I am accountable to the world via the internet.  What mistakes I make, I own, publically.  This blog will more than likely forever disqualify me from politics (I consider that an added bonus).  It is possible that this blog will forever disqualify me from ministry, at least vocational ministry (another added bonus?).  I don’t do it to impress and I do not do it to preach to others or prescribe a manner of life.  And that is decidedly different for me.  I naturally teach, and this is not a lesson for anyone but me.

Now, having said the focus is on my spiritual development, I do hope that my Master will use these entries to help others.  It is a hope, and I infer from some comments I have read that it has helped some.  That is a great byproduct of what I do each morning.  But the sheer length of these entries, and that they are daily, mean that few humans have the time, let alone the stamina, to wade through them on too regular a basis.  After a few days, I’m sure it gets to be a bit much.  I’m sure some of them are so convoluted that they become hard to follow.  Some are so philosophical that many probably loose interest.  If they were for others I would have stopped long ago because truly I have not had many comments.  If I lived for the feedback this effort would have died of starvation months ago. 

So, if you read this, the day it was written, or months or years down the road, you see where my Master has led me so far.  You will see where I am in my walk with Him on this date.  And if that helps you in your own walk with the Master I am twice blessed.  And if it obscures or complicates your walk… please read something else (MUFHH for instance).  I will not and cannot apologize for what this blog is.  I have experienced so much growth from this discipline that I do not know how to describe it.  It’s not that this blog has grown me, but rather help plow the ground of my own spirit so the Spirit of my Master can plant, cultivate, and cause growth in my life.  Breaking up the ground of my interior life is not always easy, rather usually painful.  But it is a good pain.  Thanks for reading.

Oswald Chambers' "My Utmost For His Highest": May 12th.

The Discipline of Being Loved

I once said that faith enables me to get into heaven, but love enables me to bring friends.  As I look at my life, I don’t see much of that love.  There is too much resentment and fear for love, way too much of the time.  I am improving, but I still struggle with keeping in mind how much my Master loves me.  When I’m in traffic, I am resentful of the other drivers who are in front of me, and choose to go slow.  When at work, I am resentful of customers who know me and call me for help, but spend their money with my teammates.  I have no right to resent anyone, not even my dogs.

Resentment in me stems from me, selfishness, self-centeredness, but mostly loss of focus.  Most of the time I resent, it is because I have lost focus on my Master and His voice.  When I focus on traffic, on getting to my destination as quickly as possible (within limits) I loose focus on my Master.  When I focus on making money (though yes, I am paid to focus on that) and think of my entitlement to it, I loose sight of my Master who provides even these sales.  I do not have the luxury to loose sight of, or focus on, my Master.  I don’t have the luxury to indulge in selfishness and self-centeredness either.

But when I focus on my Master, on His love for me which transcends imagination, then others in traffic, on phones, and at the end of the leash are again loveable.  They may be frustrating, I may not like what they do, but I can still love them, because I see what I do, and how my Master loves me.  This is one of the biggest reasons I start my prayers with “You love me.”  The other big reason is to work through the lie that I am not accepted.  When that lie springs up, I will tend toward resentment again.  I am already miserable at that point, resentment just puts icing on the cake (with fondant and flowers).

Focus on the love my Master has for me is a tremendous source of peace.  His Spirit then has the freedom within me to work His wonderful work and produce His fruit in me.  He brings forth evidence of His presence, and people wonder to look at me, knowing that it cannot be me.  Sure I can sound and appear intelligent, but only Jesus and His Spirit can bring out kindness, gentleness, goodness, faithfulness, peace, love, self-control, joy, and patience.  Those are not products of intelligence, but sure are more impressive.  The marvel of my Master’s work in me is the evidence those qualities provide of the truth of His presence and work.  Because if He will work in one such as me, then who would be unacceptable?  If He will take people like me, who would He exclude?  I have known Him and still rebelled.  What can be worse than having a personal relationship with the Master of the Universe, and rejecting Him as Master?  I have had all pretense and excuse removed.  I have no ground to stand on for my acceptability.  There is no reason, no excuse, no foundation for my acceptability within myself.  My acceptability is completely due to my Master choosing to accept me.  And that is love.

So who will I accept today who is unacceptable?  Will it be a cranky customer?  Will it be my manager?  Will it be my wife or daughter?  Or will it be the driver in front of me on the road who refuses to do what I clearly communicate to him telepathically?  Will I choose to accept without first requiring acceptability?  I know that when I focus on my Master, His love and acceptance of me, I can do that; I can accept someone without requiring them to earn that acceptance.  I’ve seen it happen.  I just want desperately for it to happen more.  Besides, I have a new quest, to let go of my desire to control what is not mine to control (mostly at work).  I can’t be bogged down by this issue.  I must focus on my Master, because I have some fears to work through, and I need to remember that He has my back.

Oswald Chambers' "My Utmost For His Highest": May 11th.

Adding to My Character? Can I Do That?

In 2 Peter 1:5, Peter starts a progression of character qualities which starts with faith.  Chambers says that this progression is our responsibility, that these are things we are to “add” to ourselves, like it says.  He is probably right, but I have a troubling problem here.

The first thing added is a “goodness”, a generic term for what is favorable or qualitatively preferred, “the ‘good’ china” mom used to use so rarely.  I have been in 12 steps for so long that it is difficult for me to reconcile this concept in 2 Peter with the first step which says that I am powerless.  Step 6 says that I become ready to have Him remove these defects of character, which means that any “goodness” I would “add” really comes through submission, not through direct action on my part.

But Peter seems to be ignorant of the 12 step process.  He seems instead to be under the impression that we can add things to our character.  And he is not alone there.  Paul seems to be under the same impression when he uses a similar list.  The impression I get is that I really am responsible for changes in my character.

One of the most popular books among Christians is “Celebration of Discipline”, and readers either love it or hate it.  Those that hate it are usually overwhelmed by the sheer number of spiritual disciplines it contains and feel shame at not being able to do them all.  I fit somewhere between that and finding in it all the truth I have been looking for in my walk with my Master, and so on.  I recognize that in the book Richard Foster says that these disciplines are not measures of spiritual maturity or increasing personal goodness.  In other words, I am not a “better” Christian and more perfect because I do these things, and you will be as good as I am only if you do them too.  That is legalism, and that is not what Foster teaches.  Instead he says the purpose of any spiritual disciplines is to place myself within reach of my Master, and at His disposal.  So, I use spiritual disciplines to make myself more available to Him.  What happens then is the result of contact with my Master and not my own efforts, at least not directly.

Chambers charge to get busy adding is a needed charge.  I need it.  I need to add these character qualities to my character, but not so that I will be more acceptable to my Master, but more available to Him.  Sure I can say that I am “at His service”, but if I have a moral problem that is either distracting me or makes obedience to Him in another area impossible, I’m not at His service, whatever I might say.  I add goodness to my faith so that my faith can be active.  I add knowledge to my goodness so that I have a better pattern to use to filter all the messages I receive throughout my day.  To my knowledge I add self-control, then perseverance, and then godliness.  Then comes brotherly love, and then real love.

I can’t do all that, and I know already that self-control and love and goodness are actually fruit of the Spirit, and not fruit of me at all.  So accomplishing these are actually the result of pursuing my Master, and seeking to commune with His Spirit.  So, by adding, I am seeing things added, submitting and seeing the fruit, abiding and sensing the branch and vine.  I hope that’s right.  I’m not sure my addition is right, so if someone could check my work I would be grateful.

Oswald Chambers' "My Utmost For His Highest": May 10th.

Vision Versus Ideal

I had never considered the difference, if any, between an ideal and a vision.  I would not ordinarily place them together I suppose.  When I think of something as an ideal, I think of the “best” that something could be, which I consider unrealistic or irrational.  When I think of a vision of something, I think of the way something could be which was given or imparted from someone or somewhere else.  A vision does not, in my mind, arise from within, but is given from someone else, shared.  In my mind, I have the choice to accept or reject a vision.

These are not the dictionary definitions of these terms, but they are close.  A vision does not require an external source, I just think of it that way.  So, Chambers differentiates them by one having a moral inspiration.  He says a vision has that moral element missing in an ideal.  I suppose that may be true in a very narrow sense of both words.  Used as they are today in business and other realms, vision seems now to have some sort of meaning beyond, or distanced from, moral.

Business seeks to come up with a “Vision Statement” in order to have some sort of direction.  I don’t hear anyone seeking an “Ideal Statement” to guide themselves or others.  But such statements of vision do not have to be moral in the sense that they are about right, wrong, good, evil, or even about God in any sense.  A church might seek such a statement, but business rarely would.  So, part of my understanding of vision is tainted from this use.  But part is from experience with my Master.

Vision is something I have had at times, and each time, it has come from my Master.  I never consider something from Him as an ideal.  An ideal has this sense of unobtainable perfection to it.  But for me it also derives from within me and my ability to imagine.  That is not a great source.  A vision from my Master on the other hand has the element of attainability because it’s fruition depends on His involvement.  Such a vision has a much better imagination and creativity as its source than any ideal.

So, I suppose I agree with Chambers here.  I would not have put them together, and I would not have compared them otherwise.  But I can see the need to do so.  I held an ideal in ministry that did me in.  I had unrealistic expectations which did not come from a vision from my Master.  In fact, much of the time I prayed for vision which did not come.  My ideals fostered illusions about people, and the process of being “disillusioned” was a painful one.  That is part of what caused my crushing depression after ministry.  The loss of illusions was a necessary part of my spiritual growth, but harsh to experience.  This process has been to demolish my ideals of my life with my Master.  I have some still.  When I recognize them for what they are, I can easily surrender them, remembering the pain the last ones caused.  But recognizing them is not easy.  I like to think they are all gone.

The work of my Master in me is not complete in this area, and perhaps today I will find another ideal lurking in the deep recesses of my mind.  They are like faulty programming which keeps causing errors, but only when certain programs are run.  I don’t use those much anymore, so I still have some to find.  I guess the process is working patiently and submissively with my Master to “debug” my mind and heart.  Perhaps He is really Pest Control exterminating bugs and rodents within me.  Fumigation here I come, pardon the smell.

Oswald Chambers' "My Utmost For His Highest": May 9th.

Learning Patience From A Beagle

Happy Mothers Day!  This morning, I am up too early.  And I cannot go back to sleep partly because I am frustrated with my dog.  He will not take care of business when I take him out to pee and poo.  Every smell and every sound is a distraction.  He hates being leashed and is stubborn in resisting being led or being kept from wandering.  I spend way too much time waiting for him only to have him do nothing.  I have tried staying in one place.  I have tried moving from place to place.  He won’t do what I need him to do.  And then he pees on the carpet.  I’m about ready for a pair of beagle slippers at this point.

On the other hand, my Master leads me to good ground, and I don’t take care of business.  He has tried leaving me in one spot, and tried moving me around.  I resist being leashed, wanting to go where I want distracted by bright lights and movement out of the corner of my eye.  I do the right thing, but sometimes in the wrong spot.  I am sure that He has been about ready to make a pair of Matty-slippers at times.  But He doesn’t.

The patience which my Master displays with me is not an easy attitude to take on.  I have trouble with beagles and daughters.  I struggle with patience in traffic and with my wife.  But not with my Master, not yet.  It’s possible that, once we have moved, are without a house, without jobs, and struggling with financial fears, I may loose my patience with my Master.  I did moving out here.  But I also came around to complete trust before He delivered security.  So, I know that, while in much of my life I do not “do patience”, with my Master I have reserves of it. 

And by processing my struggle with patience, I have released the tension from my frustration, and can barely keep my eyes open.  So, I’m headed back to bed.  I hope the dumb dog doesn’t pee on the carpet. 

Oswald Chambers' "My Utmost For His Highest": May 8th.

Counting, Reconciling, and Measuring Devotion

In Luke 14:28, Jesus tells those around him that the cost of discipleship should be counted first.  Chambers says that the cost is that cost Jesus counted in 30 years of life, 3 years of ministry, scandal and suffering on the cross.  He then proceeds to explain that this discipleship is open only to those in whom Jesus has done everything.  That is the statement where he looses me. 

When Jesus is speaking of discipleship He leads up to His statement to count the cost with statements that unless someone hate his (list family members here) that they cannot be His disciple, and then that they must take up their cross daily and follow Him.  The problem I have is probably with the archaic wording, but still, I’m not sure how someone who loves Jesus so much that all other relationships would be as hate compared is an implication that Jesus has done everything in them.  Does he mean that Jesus finished everything in them?  I thought that happened in heaven.  Or does Chambers mean that whatever has gotten these to that point of devotion has been done by Jesus.  I think that is what he means, but then my question is, “Does that mean that first I am saved, and then, later on, after I have achieved some level of spiritual maturity, become a disciple?”

I suspect rather that Jesus uses me as a disciple with effects limited to the level of devotion He has led me into.  The reason I say this is because in the context of Jesus’ statement, He already has disciples present, and I don’t think they are at this level He describes, and are probably shocked to hear Him say it.  He says these things in response to all these people wanting to follow but because He is the next big thing, not because they have any real devotion to Him specifically.  He is the flavor of the day, at least until he mentions something about taking up a cross.  That sort of ruins the moment for them.

On the other hand, Jesus does say to count the cost of hating family and carrying crosses before volunteering for discipleship.  Regardless of what the disciples present thought of that statement, Jesus said it.  Sure the disciples had left homes, families, and so on to follow Jesus, and it was not a great money-making enterprise.  Did that qualify them?  Was that level of commitment congruent with what Jesus meant when He said hate your family compared to how much you love me?  If so, it makes this level of devotion a lot easier for me to envision.  In fact, it’s not until Jesus rises from the dead that these guys go off the map devotionally, at least in my estimation. 

Jesus wants all of me.  He wants me to be totally committed to Him.  I confess that I am not there yet.  He is leading me into deeper water with Himself, and I love it and am scared by it.  I want what I think would be great, but also have seen enough to know that what He wants is better.  When we moved out here I had to release all my fears and stress into Him, and commit the care of my family’s financial and health care into His hands before He provided a job.  We had moved anyway.  We came out here with no job and little in the way of provision for the house we had bought, the mortgage we had, and the monthly medical needs we already had.  I would think that the level of devotion we demonstrated qualifies us for this description of discipleship.  Yet, my sinful patterns were still present.  I still struggled with things that nearly wrecked my job, my marriage, and any opportunities I may have with ministry.  My quandary is how I can be devoted enough to move lock, stock, and barrel to another state, and yet fail so miserably in my obsessions and habitual sins.

So here we are again.  We pack the truck on June 25, again, lock, stock, and barrel.  We have no house, no job, and no real tangible prospects.  I am hoping for something I do not yet see at work, yet do not really know if the hope comes from my Master.  My in-laws are looking about for a house for us, but are still in the process.  There are loose ends to this move that should terrify me, but don’t.  Sure I feel some stress, but it is minor.  I am ready to go even without my hope fulfilled at work.  I am ready to go, even to live with my in-laws for a time until another living circumstance can be found.

But I know that my patterns are not yet dead.  I know that the well-worn paths I have developed over so many years, I still have to purposely avoid.  The evil senseless passions are not so deep they are powerless.  I sense the thought flit through my mind at times.  And while they are not strong, every once in a while they make a determined assault and I feel the compulsion surge up within me.  I praise my Master that He has been with me through them, close enough that I reached for Him as I should.  I was reminded that I am loved, protected, but that I am also at His service.  These things have protected my heart and mind, yet even so, not perfectly.  I have dabbled before I was able to shake my mind loose.  I have sat in a trance with the swirling desires in my mind, trying to keep them from my hands, seeking to reach out to my Master within the struggle.  So far I have experienced victory.  But I know that through this adventure the times will come when I am weak, when my hopes and fears collide, when I am challenged by family to make something happen.  What sort of disciple will I be then?

So, I am partially there as a disciple, and my Master has “done” a lot in me, yet not everything He intends (at least I hope not).  I believe that, at the level the disciples who were present when He made the statement of cost, I am a disciple, and that my Master has drawn me into that level of service.  I believe that I have been given a title of Servant to the King, and I am at His service.  I know the next few months will be a test of my devotion, and I believe that my Master has prepared me.  I will show whether I am a Knight of His Realm or a knave.  But I also know that I am loved regardless.  I know that my Master has my back, regardless of who assaults me.  I know that I am at His service before even before service to my family.  That is a lot to know, and knowledge has a level of responsibility which goes with it.  Keep reading.  Let’s see if it’s true or not.

Oswald Chambers' "My Utmost For His Highest": May 7th.

Belief Clubbing: A Bad Habit Gone?

One of my struggles while in vocational ministry was heeding the line between what was my opinion and what was my Master’s perspective.  I would have very high regard for my own positions and opinions, and those who did not agree with me just didn’t understand.  So I had to explain it again, change up my word-pictures, work through my limitations as a communicator, and so on.  I had two theological positions which were not in line with “everyone else” but were also not difficult to support.  I had a host of others that were not in line with everyone else, and not so easy to support.  Like positions on women in ministry, the use of dramatic spiritual gifts, post-tribulation return of my Master, just to name a few.  I had my explanations, but these were not easy to support because so much depended on minutia and prejudice.

In Galatians 5:1 Paul is wrapping up his letter moving the church back into right response to Jesus and away from legalism.  At this point he has supported the position that to relate to the Master through legalism was to be again in slavery to a master exterior to God.  Now he admonishes them to remain in freedom, and not return to that yoke of slavery.  Since the context is about legalistic practice and using that practice to justify spiritual claims, it really does apply beautifully to the problem I suffered in ministry.  I wanted my church to follow my beliefs about our Master.  That was fine.  But I also judged them by whether they did or not.  That was not fine.

I was used to being judged regarding beliefs, and still am.  In fact, I rather get too much perverse joy out of messing with the belief structures of other believers.  Go ahead, bring it on, let’s talk about it!  But when I realized I had flipped the table around and was feeling spiritually superior and that others were less because of differences in belief structures I saw that I had crossed a dangerous line.  I had moved over into the judgment seat reserved for my Master; a seat I had stood before while others tried to occupy it.  I should have known better, but acted as if I did not.  It was a poor example of leadership to tell my people to stop judging me and judging them for judging me and for not subscribing to my fringe theological beliefs.

Now, there is a remote possibility that my fringe positions may be right.  But the only way to really know is for my Master to return physically to this world.  At that point, it really won’t matter much if I was right or not.  This story will be over at that point, and a new one begun.  So, why would I think it made sense to focus and judge according to such beliefs?  If the only “proof” is in how the story ends, why would that be such a sticking point.  That may seem like I’m throwing out way too much, but consider this detail I have omitted.  The people with whom I disagreed also believed that Jesus was the Son of God, that He entered this world (which He created) through a virgin-birth, that He lived a perfect sinless in this world, allowed His creatures to take His life to pay a death penalty for their sin, that He was raised on the third day, that He ascended back into heaven, and that He will return one day.  On that we agreed.  It becomes obvious when that detail is added, that we had more in agreement than in dispute.  So why focus on the silly, unimportant details?

My hope is that I now do not hold the fee of others to fire in order to convince them that I am right, and they are wrong.  I hope I now admit more often that I am wrong when I’m wrong, which is more often than I like to admit, but I should (yes, that was an intentional verbal loop).  I am not convinced that I admit that nearly enough, that I have not idolized my ideas to some degree, that I do not judge others by my standards.  But I am more aware of it when I fail in this area.  I am more accepting of others (while not necessarily of their views).  I jump into these discussions less than I used to and with less intensity.  I am more aware of my Master now than I have been.  And I am aware that He is changing me in spite of my fighting Him on that change.

I know that my Master loves me, that He has my back, and that I am supposed to be at His service.  I know that He has called me to wait, worship, and walk before Him.  I have confessed Him as my Master, and believe in my heart that He has risen from death.  I live out, day to day, that belief to varying degrees of success.  I am a common, typical believer in many respects.  I hope that one day I will be able to relax into my various fringe beliefs, and let others wrestle with their own without feeling I need to bludgeon them with mine.  Perhaps when I am confined to a comfy rocking chair, blanket over my knees, spectacles on my nose, and a sleepy hound at my feet (oh, and a porch, the scene definitely requires a porch).

Oswald Chambers' "My Utmost For His Highest": May 6th.

A View of Salvation From Below

In 1 Peter 4:17, Peter speaks of the suffering of believers and says that judgement is to begin with the house of God. This is a troubling statement because the context is suffering for association with Jesus, and he refers to the experience as part of God's wrath on this world. I infer from that reference that my suffering for my belief is part of my Masters' judgement on this world. I thought that, as a believer I got to skip that part.

If I simply inferred that from Chambers interpretation I could rest easy, but this I infer from Scripture and so I am not resting easy. As sure as I am that this world is under judgement from my Master, I should also be sure that I will share in that wrath, even though I do so for my faith. It seems odd to me to be under my Master's wrath for being faithful, but I must also consider the reason. I am not under His wrath as punishment, but as part of my human experience. So, as part of being a "son of Adam" I will suffer, whether I am also an adoptive son of my Master or not. In a very important sense my suffering acts as proof of the judgement on this world. It is part of the testimony that we are all under this wrath as we are in this world. The plea is "why make it permanent?"

This is where Chambers hangs his point. Preaching on salvation must include judgement so people have a context in which to understand the tug of God. In some sense it is similar to "getting people lost before you can save 'em." But the difference is that this perspective allows the Master to save, I just prepare the ground. I let people know of the judgement on the world, which now is limited to this world, to this life, but soon will be eternal if they do not respond to my Master's offer of salvation. From there my Master takes over, and through His Spirit, leads those who respond to Himself.  The effects are eternal, and are the only solution which truly mitigates the suffering of this world.


So how do I make this clear to the people my Master has placed me among? Can there be a better method than to suffer as He has? I wish there were. Well, I might as well get in there and take my stripes. Lives depend on it.

Oswald Chambers' "My Utmost For His Highest": May 5th.

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