Today’s entry in MUFHH leads me to wonder if much of Chambers’ life he wondered why others had all this inspiration and he didn’t. There have been so many entries with this theme: “Be after God, not the gift.” Or perhaps in his daily routine with ministry students and church members he would continually run into this problem. It is a problem for both sets. It was a problem for me in ministry. I wanted that bright light, that dramatic illumination which demonstrated God had spoken through me.
I had another problem as well, but I can’t tell if I was right or wrong. I caught flak for it, but I may have had the right idea. In my ministry, I referred to myself as a “bell-sheep” instead of a shepherd. My point was that I wanted my fellow believers to follow, but not see me as the shepherd. I wanted them to see Jesus that way. The complaint I received from them was that they needed a shepherd not another sheep. So, was I too soft on them? Should I have been more severe and imposing? I thought my preaching was pretty harsh sometimes. In fact my wife asked me one Sunday if I even like them (the people).
I think that through much of my ministry, much of my life perhaps, I have been sad. I suspect that, without knowing or being aware of it, I became disappointed. Perhaps a better term might be disillusioned. Although I also suspect that I kept my illusions, but was just unhappy they never seemed to materialize. I know I’m not unique in that respect. I hear about people running into that problem all the time, usually as things in their world change, and force them to change. Some can’t change, most won’t. Illusions are comforting things to keep around, but I don’t see Jesus burdened with any in His ministry.
The accounts I read of my Master are completely free of illusions He held. There are times He is amazed at a lack of faith in one group or city, or the amount of faith in a Roman Centurion. But I also think that He really wasn’t surprised as much as depressed or impressed by the expression. He seemed to know where and when to perform a miracle, share a parable, and feed thousands. He knew when to disperse crowds following Him, and when to call the weak and heavy-laden. He operated without the illusions of good about people, and without the cynicism of illusions of evil about people. To my Master people were sighted or blind, selfish or caring, humble or proud. He worked with them where they were, knowing some were more open and some were not, yet sharing a meal with either.
Have I been so focused on results or feelings that I missed what my Master has been doing around me? Have I been intimidated by some and only focused on the people who liked me, the safe ones? Probably. I used to blame others, complaining that I needed a mentor and could never find one. I used to blame my Master saying that He had not brought me the right people; complaining about the ones He had brought. How about going out and finding some other people? That wouldn’t have killed me. When I was in ministry, there were a lot of issues going on in my life. But of all the issues, the one at the center of all the others was a fear which was a failure of faith. I was afraid to have nothing on a Sunday. I was afraid that God would not show up. I was afraid of being left without being able to meet the expectations of my congregation. I was afraid that my Master did not have my back. I was afraid He did not really love me (I was too sinful). I was afraid to be at His service. I was afraid to love.
But my Master still showed me the people. I still saw their need, their struggles, their weaknesses, and their strengths. I still was able to perceive where they needed my Master and where He had already been at work. I could still see those things, I was just too afraid to engage with them at those points. I want something different. I want a group where the first statements of my prayers become a core of the group; “You love us, You have our back, and we are at Your service.” I want to be a part of a group focused on our Master, declaring in faith that we are loved, we are protected, and we are available. Is this something I will find in another state? I don’t know. But I believe I have found something for which to hope. Today is Sunday, and I go to a church where I have not experienced this to the degree I have wanted. On the other hand this is the church where I attended as my Master led me into these statements, and grew my faith. Truly all things are possible with my Master.
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