Back, sometime last year, my family and I set a date to put our house on the market. The idea was to see if my Master wanted us to move or not. It sold in a week or so, while other homes in our neighborhood are still for sale. He wanted us to move. Then it was a matter of where.
My wife’s parents wanted us to come out there so they could spend more time at their condo in Oregon while we helped out with their other property. That didn’t seem to be my Master leading, so we held off. My wife’s job expanded, and she was given a promotion, and so on. I figured we were staying. But neither of us seemed interested in finding a house locally.
Then, my in-laws, my wife’s mom specifically, revealed personal health problems. Her step-dad was having trouble physically taking care of the property, and they have issues keeping them from selling it, at any price. He asked for help. That was the clincher for me, for him to ask for help. We were moving their way.
Now, Chambers’ writes of “abandon” and not having reservations or using common sense as the guide. And I think I’m right there with him. In Luke 9, at the end of the chapter, 2 people ask to follow Jesus, and 1 He asks. They all have excuses, even the 2 who ask to follow Him (weird). In verse 62, Jesus tells one that anyone starting to plow and looking back is not fit for the kingdom. What he asked was to go and bid farewell to his household. For that, he was considered unfit for my Master’s kingdom.
So, I’m left with this problem. On the surface, I demonstrate that I am abandoned to my Master in that where He leads (to my in-laws), I go, and I go willingly and joyfully. But I struggle in my thought life, my interior self. Every once in a while, I revert to those thoughts that were driven by my passions and desires which have ruined much of my life, probably my ministry, and nearly my marriage. I know what happens when I do that. I know where it leads. Sure, I didn’t “act” on it now, but those thoughts are consuming for me, and become compulsive for me.
I also know where those thoughts come from. I know that they come from feelings of either shame or fear. This is the reason I start my prayers with “You love me, You have my back.” I know that the answer to these feelings is to go to my Master and submit to His truth; how He sees me. He sees me that way out of His choice, not because I’ve earned it or am good enough to warrant that sort of attention. I know that these thoughts come from forgetting that, from fear of my situation being out of my control.
So, my abandon is not total, and is not without the need for bolstering, and reaffirming. I am weak and fearful. I want control even knowing that’s not possible. I want to know, without having to trust, that everything will turn out well. The truth is that “well” needs definition. The way I define “well” may not be the way my Master defines it. So, what I need is submission to His definition of “well” because I know that His definition includes a peace which defies understanding; serenity.
I have trusted my Master this far, and He has been faithful. I will trust Him with the remainder. But it is a struggle, I feel it even as I write. It seems to good to trust that something bad will not come and take it all away.
All, so far, has been more than I could have imagined. When we started this process, we were considering living without jobs, possibly in my in-laws house, with little savings. First, we gained more savings than we could ever expect, protected from tax and liquid. Second, my wife was told she could keep her job, just transfer to a different region (less time and therefore less pay, but still…). Third, my job held out the possibility of me working remotely (that has not been finalized, but they are trying). Lastly, my in-laws found and are getting us into a house, so we move from an apartment here, right into a house there (again, not quite finalized yet…). It feels too good to be true. I am waiting for the punch line that takes it all away.
Can you see it? I do not trust my Master to give me good things. It is not exactly what it sounds. I know that my Master wants the best for me, it’s just that His best is often uncomfortable for me. I know that what is best for me is to be totally reliant upon Him. So I trust Him to take away anything which might distract me from that devotion. See now? I am afraid that if I rest in this amazing provision I will loose it. On the other hand, if I dive into my Master only to keep the provision, I will still loose it. I must not care about it at all, and I’m not great at doing that. I need to look at my master and continue to wait, worship, and walk before Him.
I can worship and be grateful for these provisions, but I must not allow them to distract me from this path and my peace found only in Him. The truth is that with or without these provisions, we still go. Into a house or into someone else’s house, we still go. With a job or without one, we still go. The part of this that does not change is that we still go. That must be where I focus, rather than on the provision. The provision is my Master’s issue, and it will come from His resources. I take care of going; the truck, the trailer, packing, driving, etcetera. Of course, even there I need His provision. I am completely dependent, and bring very little to this venture.
You love me, You have my back, and I am at Your service.
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