Joy In The Presence of my Master

The site I use for the MUFHH has had their rights to publish the text terminated as of September 2, 2011. The publisher who owns the copyright has a page for MUFHH but it is an updated language, and I feel lacks the challenge of the original text. So my links below will have to come from somewhere else, perhaps the updated version. I have a print copy of the original text, but those references would do little good for someone who doesn't have it. So, I suppose the question I face is will I allow this setback to distract me from the joy I receive focusing on my Master?

I spend time (not as much time as I would like) looking at the wonders of this universe through a telescope. When people ask me why, I don't tell them because I am some sort of scientist, or that I am some sort of amateur astronomer. I am an amateur astronomer because I look through a telescope, not the other way around. I look through the telescope seeking perspective. I see things thousands to millions of light years away. That means that the image I see is ancient, and that means that my Master has been very busy since long before I was born. I suppose He can handle my Wednesday.

The result of seeking my Master through Scripture, through worship, through a telescope, and through prayer results in joy. Anything I do that increases my attachment to my Master results in joy. Even if the activity hurts, causes inconvenience, or seems foolish, it still results in joy. As Chambers puts it (in the original version) it is captious irritation of thinking out circumstances that initially distracts. I can get so distracted by the minutia of problems that I stop looking at my Master. "I can fix this, just give me a minute." No I can't, and it's not my job anyway.

I sacrifice joy for the remote possibility of feeling self-sufficient because I solved a problem. There are times when I am led to help a customer get through problems. In fact I was given that as a task just yesterday. I love doing that. But I will also jump into those problem-solving issues when they are not mine to fix. That is one place where I lose track of my Master's face and my joy fades.

My goal today is to stay in the communion with my Master and not lose His joy. I want to remain focused on Him, and speak His words as I interact with others in my day. And I hope to find a new site for the original version of MUFHH. Maybe I will not be able to continue using that as my beginning of my meanderings. That would be a shame, but there are other places to begin, such as Scripture. I guess I have some looking around to do. I'm open to suggestions, as long as it's not offensive to not use them. It may be that my Master will use a suggestion from someone, and it may be He will direct me somewhere else.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, August 31

The Metric of My Life

There are entries where I just want to say, "Amen" and stop. This is one of them. There isn't anything I disagree with, and I think that his comment about his day can be said of ours, 100 years later. Service is an invalid measurement. My relationship with my Master is the measurement. Service is depressing and often pointless. Service burns me out with frustration and disillusionment. But my relationship with my Master is not anything like that. My Master rejuvenates me; He encourages me and cheers me up.

I had a chance to speak with a pastor at a kid's birthday party this past Sunday. I talked about what I did wrong at my pastorate in Idaho, and what I contributed to the end of my pastorate career. I didn't talk about what they did, their issues, or complain about them. It was a very different explanation than I typically give. It was more like confession than story telling. But what I shared may have implied that my relationship with my Master was good. But it couldn't have been. I hope that the pastor didn't get that impression, because my relationship with my Master could not have been good if I did the things I did.

That was service instead of relating to my Master. At that time I struggled with shame from my addiction, a sense that I needed to measure up to be accepted, that I had to earn the love of my Master, and that there was something wrong with me I didn't understand. Had I focused instead on my relationship with my Master, I would have learned of His grace, His transcendent love, and His passion for a relationship with me. I was distracted by service, by others, by my relationship with my wife and new baby girl. I "had a lot on my plate," but none of it was stuff my Master hadn't supplied, so why not focus on the source?

The times in my life when service has been fun or easy were times when my relationship with my Master was on the rise. It was in times when my focus was on the service itself that it started to consume me in unhealthy ways. Chambers makes a comment that my Master does not let me see all the effects of what He does through me to protect me. How odd to think that might be the reason; protect me from what? Perhaps it is to protect me from my human tendency to switch focus onto the service and away from Him.

In Baptist churches, the number of baptisms represents a very important statistic. I remember telling a pastor of mine that numbers don't matter, and that he responded how frustrating that was to hear. He said that they may not matter to God, but that they indicate the spiritual health of a church. It was an indicator of how the church was impacting the community; were there people in the community entering the Kingdom of God? But I believe that even here, the mercy of my Master in hiding the true effect of focus on Him is also at work. Baptisms don't necessarily mean a church is or is not impacting the neighborhood.

The metric of my life must be my relationship with my Master. I can think of other examples demonstrating this, but I already convinced myself. So how am I doing, relating to my Master? I'm doing ok, but I need to spend more time in prayer. After I have followed the discipline of going through the devotional of MUFHH, I plan to do a book-study from the Scripture. It will have to be very small chunks at a time because I don't have a lot of time these mornings. I want to do that so I can increase my understanding of my Master through what He has revealed about Himself. But I want to explore it like I have been exploring these entries.

That's something to look forward to, but forward into next year in February. I have a long way to go these days; in growth with my Master, in distance from my addiction, and in maturing as a spouse and parent. I am on a very different path from others around me, and not because they are wrong and I am right. I am on the path I am because I have a lot of mess to clean up; mess I made throughout my life. This isn't a path for others to follow. I may intersect with others where their messes are like my own, but I believe everyone has their own mess to clean up. I may wave as my Master leads me through mine. Feel free to wave back.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, August 30

The Faith Which Leads to Healing

The reality transcending my senses is my Master. It would be more comforting to say, "My Master's protection of my worldly life." But I know that's not true. The reality borne out in the daily experience of my life is that my Master stands as ultimate reality. And my experience of the reality of my Master is that He is not that interested in my comfort. Rather He is interested in a relationship with me. That is the only thing I have here on earth that will last past my physical death. But even that relationship is not the ultimate reality, not even my ultimate reality, He is.

I have to restrict my belief and walk of faith to the Scriptures and what He reveals there. I can't add tradition, interpretation, or "group-think". I can use those for better understanding of Scripture, but I must always press beyond them into the actual words themselves. I need to swim in the words and wallow about in them, let them wash over me and through me. I must allow the Spirit of my Master to use them as the sword dividing joints and morrow, soul and spirit; the sword He lends me for spiritual warfare.

I must base my faith on what my Master says about Himself. But I must also base my faith on all my Master says about Himself, not just my favorite parts. I don't much like Joel, but at least it's short. Amos and Micah are longer than I thought, and Hosea was great until I got through the first two chapters (that's when the thing with Gomer was over), but there are 10 more! There are genealogies and laws about food, there are lists of poetic imprecations on nations that no longer exist, and I don't really enjoy wading through them.

But there are things I can learn from those laws, things about that my Master thinks are important. Those curses of nations fit nicely with history, but also indicate something of my Master's character, the scary parts. The lists of genealogies are interesting for who in there, and who isn't. The boundaries of the 12 tribes, and even who made it into the list of tribes, are still useful to show how my Master divides up His inheritance among His children. There are things that on the surface are cures for insomnia, but below the surface, my Master has hidden treasures of His Person for those brave enough to dive for them.

My faith itself is really a gift from my Master. In Ephesians 2:8-9, the words "this" and "gift" is not matched with either "faith" or "grace", but stand as a neuter subject encompassing the entire idea of the first phrase, "For by grace you have been saved through faith." And even more than just that phrase, the preceding support for such a statement could be included in "this" as well. The entire idea and its support is a gift from my Master. So, this faith in my Master is based on what He has revealed about Himself in Scripture, but it is also a gift from Him to me, it does not originate from me. Is that weird or what?

So, like Martha and Mary, the sisters of the dead man Lazarus, I stand outside the tomb of my deepest pain and remind Jesus that it will stink if the tomb is opened. And Jesus looks into my eyes and says, "Didn't I tell you that if you believe, you would see the glory of God?" And then He proceeds to delve into my pain, where my heart died so long ago, and raise to life what I thought was lost forever. With Martha my Master discussed theology, with Mary He wept, and with them together He repaired their life. In some sense to show off, but in a way they, and those around them desperately needed; as I need now.

If I am to experience true freedom, then I too must open the tomb where the smelly nasty remains of my heart lie, and allow my Master to raise up what was lost. I'm not even sure I remember where the tomb is anymore. I suppose I will need to have Him show me that as well. So, I will rely on my Master for the faith, the understanding, and the location where He wants to work in my life. I really am just along for the ride, but at least He provided good reading material.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, August 29

Audacious Prayers for Things I Cannot Change

I have heard all my life that I can't have it both ways. Whatever the ways were, they couldn't exist together as a single option. It seems that this entry of Chambers wants it both ways. I get a bit confused with the last two paragraphs, because they seem to post two mutually exclusive things; ask, but don't expect things to change, expect you to change. So prayer is about changing (or being changed) rather than our circumstances changing? So, what am I asking for?

I honestly don't go to my Master for things I can handle. There's no sense in asking Him to take something that is my responsibility. Not that I have "power" over something, but that I have the responsibility to handle. But circumstances are often way out of my control, and are supposed to be that way. That's one of the more common things I pray for; that the sick will be well, that His Spirit will move in a community, that my Master persists with a particular person to save them. These are things I cannot control, and they are circumstances.

I already expect that my Master will change me. I need it, and know I need change. I know I need submission, but I may pray for courage, for determination, or/and for wisdom to be submissive. I do pray for change within myself, but that is not the only thing I pray for. When I pray, I reach for the touch of my Master, and that changes me. When I pray I seek to hear not just speak (I'm not as successful here). When I pray, I am supposed to speaking to the Master of the entire Universe, even on a micro-cosmic scale, so asking for circumstances outside of my control to change makes sense.

Some circumstances I live in because that is where my Master put me. I live in very economically, emotionally, and spiritually depressed place. I am not praying that God change that, I am working in submission to Him to influence that. I don't want change to make my life easier. I live next to a husband/wife (or boyfriend/girlfriend) who do not know my Master and don't seem interested. I can't make that change in their lives, and they are in danger of my Master moving on to someone else, of that callousness of spirit that becomes immune to my Master's Spirit. I pray for His persistence with them. I can't make Him do that, so I ask.

Some of my circumstances are circumstances that I am supposed to pray for Him to change. I guess that is really my point. I believe I am supposed to pray for marriages, for people, for my own growth, for the continued work of my Master, and so much more that He brings to my mind. I may get a customer on the phone where my sales pitch becomes a counseling session because they are in crisis and have no one to talk to. I may run across someone at the store who I strike up a conversation with while in the endless checkout line. These are situations where prayer is appropriate, and I do the appropriate thing (sometimes anyway).

I know that it's true that prayer changes me, but I also know that my ability to changes things is very limited, regardless of the changes in me. So, I change, my attitude and perspective of situations change, and the world continues to march toward hell? I don't think that is my Master's plan. I doubt that is what Chambers meant, but the last paragraph left me with that sense. Again, editorial processes left clarification on the editing floor. But at least there is the middle paragraph which calls me to ask boldly and audaciously. I like audacious. Today, I will be audacious with my prayer. I suppose I better be careful what I ask for?

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, August 28

Can Feelings Be Senseless?

I am fighting a feeling of depression. It is not necessarily the feelings of irritability and restlessness I felt before, but I can feel it there in my mind. I have felt life without it and I know this is like where I was before. And I know this has the same source. My life circumstances do not warrant these feelings. I tried taking a fast from playing games, but it didn't change much. It took away an avenue to work out the feelings (ok, so there is restlessness), but I replaced it with reading a book.

The problem is still with me even with the medication. It changed and that could be it, but I want to eliminate other options as well. I don't know if the problems with people-pleasing and work focus I have been sharing are symptoms or causes. I suspect they are symptoms, but that is not a given. I just had a success in my addiction, a major test I have failed for years, and I just passed with flying colors (well colors, not necessarily flying). I am eight months in this walk, and I passed a major test. So why am I not ecstatic? Why am I not happy?

Well, I tell myself it wasn't perfect. I briefly allowed mental failures on several occasions. This is a "middle-circle" violation, and that I allowed it is what troubles me. I stopped, but not until I had already given sin permission. That is a compromise that normally does me in. I survived it by the grace and power of my Master's Spirit. I called out to Him in the night, like some Psalms, and He answered, like some Psalms.

I know my Master loves me. But even this amazingly blessed and easy state I now enjoy leads me to wonder why He is taking it so easy on me? I am grateful, yet wonder about my own frailty. And then, in my depression, overreach within the blessing He has given. I went on a shopping binge. Why? It's crazy behavior. I think I can re-arrange things to cover it, but I shouldn't have to do that. It was irresponsible; well, partly, we needed the things and got good prices, but the timing was problematic.

Maybe it wasn't trying to heal a hurt within, but it feels that way. I just don't know why I hurt. What could be so deep and painful that I would feel this way? Why the perspective that all I do is substandard? Why the feelings that I don't measure up? What is wrong with me? My feelings don't match the reality I see, the reality I sense when I am with my Master, or the reality I hear in others around me. I must master my feelings, but I still have them. They seep out when I interact with others. I haven't laughed in a while.

Did I not walk in the light while I had it, and now it's gone? John 12:35 is used by Chambers to discuss the darkness that comes when the light given is not lived out, and acted upon. Perhaps I am in a darkness because I have not lived out the light I was given. But I don't think so. I believe that I have been working out the light given, in fact I think the entries in this blog bear evidence of that. I know I have a lot of growth before me, but that is not a sin, the sin is in despairing at the amount of it. I know that sanctification is not yet done in me, but I know it's working, that the Spirit of my Master continues to work it in me.

I have heard for years that I need to move the knowledge in my head 18 inches to my heart. I get it, and it's trite, but it's also true (as a metaphor for the core of my being, not my fleshly blood pump). The move may not be 18 inches as much as it is from one sphere of existence to the dimension in which my Master's Spirit moves and lives. Even so, I also need to accept that this is ultimately not about me anyway. It is about my Master, even this depression. My experience here must drive me deeper into Him and a hunger for His touch and presence. I need more of that.

But I also need wisdom. I need the action on the knowledge I already have. Wisdom is superior to knowledge in a similar way that experience is superior to education. I need the wisdom to know the difference between those things I can change and those things I can't (i.e. the Serenity Prayer). I need the wisdom to perceive and perform the good my Master reveals (Proverbs). I need the wisdom and courage to love my family. I need the wisdom to serve others where my Master directs. I need the wisdom not to compromise where He does not lead; that would be rebellion.

Today is Saturday. Today there are a lot of events going on that cry out for my attention. I will move among them seeking to respond in the wisdom that my Master gives. I will seek to glorify Him today. And so, I will wait, worship, and walk before Him this Saturday, August 27, 2011. Today I hope to laugh. I hope to bring a smile and joy to someone else, extra points if it's my daughter, triple points if it's my wife, and an automatic win if both together. I crave that freedom felt in the joy of my Master, and the peace of His Spirit, and love of my Father. To my God I offer myself in this day.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, August 27

Courage as a Byproduct of Peace

I am not facing a lot of stress right now, so today's entry doesn't fill some need I've been working through. But on the other hand, while Chambers speaks of serious worries or troubles in opposition to the peace of my Master, that's not the only time I need that peace. I know I need it daily. My abilities are exhausted on minor issues, not just large ones. I am caught in people pleasing without there being any particular crisis. I flounder amidst projects that I know I'm not doing well, but need to complete anyway. My ability to make my "world" the way I want it isn't there.

So I need my Master's peace daily. I receive this peace just like Chambers says; I have to look at the undisturbed face of my Master. I gain perspective in that look that aligns all other little crises with His abilities, not mine. Looking into the face of my Master is truly the best use of my time. Turning my mind toward His thoughts, listening for His Spirit's whisper (or 2X4, or whatever He wants to use) are actions I take that result in the most and best quality results. I don't need my own peace, even though in my foolishness I may want it. I need the fruit of my Master's Spirit: Peace.

As a fruit of Him, it blooms in me, but flows through me as I am in the Vine, Jesus. As long as I remain in Him, as long as I seek His words in Scripture, as long as seek His face in prayer and worship I experience peace that is not my own. My peace is counterfeit, based on ignorance and/or pride, and never lasts long in the face of the reality of this world. It isn't until I look beyond the reality around me to the Real Power beyond that peace comes. This peace is that assurance and confidence that my Master has all under control. It is not confidence that everything will be well.

The desire that all go well with me is a danger to my relationship with my Master. The litmus test of my devotion to Him can never rest on what He has done for me lately. He has already put up more earnest for my life than I can ever imagine to request. All is well with me because I have a future, I don't die, and I can never be separated from my Master. I can suffer in this world, I can endure tough times, relationships, and events. But none of these can compare with Heaven. I refuse the "sour grapes" attitude and perspective of this culture I live in. Heaven is given, not taken.

So, I look forward to the day I will stand before my Master in final form. I look forward to the day I have my eternal position, whatever that might be. I look forward to the eternal worship and fellowship; the wedding feast. I look forward to all I see described in the Scriptures, and relish that it will be even more than that. I know that I have a lot to do here for my Master, so I know I have to wait until I'm done to leave. What I want is to face this world with courage; courage based on the peace of seeing my Master's face. My heart cannot be shaken, and I will not fear as long as I can see His face.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, August 26

Battle-Ready, Funny-Looking, and With a Big Job

I don't totally agree with Chambers, once again. Friendship with my Master, as described in John 15:15 was a declarative fact on the part of Jesus, not something earned or even understood by complete submission to Jesus. From the context, the next thing the disciples do is run away in fear and confusion, Peter will deny his Master three times, and John will follow at some distance. Yet at this point Jesus declares them friends, no longer servants. Not because they are devoted, but because He has revealed to them all that the Father has given to Him. They are friends by declaration, not by their own exertion.

This is a difficult point to live out though. I have experienced that all the elements of my relationship with my Master are dependent upon Him. So, my "friendship" declared by my Master is experienced by me to the degree that I submit to my Master. So in that sense, I agree with Chambers. In fact, that supports his point, but not the way he does it. He still has the work of my Master tied to my actions. Rather, my Master declares me to be His friend (or in my case, His knight and servant), and then works in and with me to form me into that person. But His work goes only as far as I submit.

Chambers seems to have said I earn my position as "Friend of God", but I know from other entries he did not believe that. It may be an editorial issue as his work was compressed down into a devotional entry. But I know a pastor who, after stating salvation comes by grace alone, then states salvation can be lost (not the surprising or problem point), and then says to keep it we have to do stuff (prayer and Bible reading). I know that he also believes we keep our salvation by being devoted and submitted to our Master. While he made it sound as if, once saved by grace, we maintain it by works; as if it no longer depends on our Master, I am pretty sure that it was just a juxtaposition of elements in his sermon that made it sound that way. It happens, a lot to me actually.

So here, while this entry may sound like a "works friendship" with my Master, I doubt a fair reading of other entries will support that view. The context of John doesn't. Instead, I see affirmation that my declarative position before my Master is also something He is growing me into. I see that, while I may not seem this way yet, I will one day appear this way as I walk before Him. I am a Knight of the Realm; I am a Servant of the King. But I am not those things by my own exertion; rather I am those things by the declaration of my King. It's kind of surreal really.

So my Master declares my position before Him. He then works on me to make me fit that designation. Here again the overwhelming grace of my Master wipes out any argument I raise against my position. I don't really make a good knight of any realm, and I am a rather contentious servant. My weapons are sarcasm and cynicism, not the Scriptures and faith. I engage mortals in battles of wit and dialogue, not the spiritual powers of darkness on bended knee in prayer. I am the wrong guy for this job. Of course, my Master knows this, and has from my formation in my mother's womb. He calls me to it anyway.

The helmet falls over my eyes, the sword is too heavy, the shield is unwieldy, and the breastplate is twice as big as it needs to be to protect my chest. Forget the shoes and belt; I typically step right out of them and into hot coals with my pants sagging horribly. How intimidating am I? And yet, the powers of darkness see not the ridiculous figure before them, but the Master behind. They don't fear the sword in my hand, but the One who formed it. The shield I carry does not stop them, but the One having given the shield stops them cold. It's not me, but the One whose shoes I will never fill. I may look funny, but serve a serious Master.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, August 25

My Master’s Index

After reading Chambers' entry for this morning, I have this statement running around in my head that I somehow have to be good enough for my Master to hear my prayers. That doesn't square well with being spiritually poor. I get what he's saying though; I can't run around devoid of attention to my Master and still expect that I ask anywhere close to His will. In other words, this sort of dovetails nicely with other entries, those about knowing my Master's will to ask in His name, and those about confidence before my Master stemming from emptiness before Him.

But still, the way it was written, the sense that I somehow have to "measure up" is clear in his use of the word "index" (note definitions 3 and 4). What am I supposed to use as an index? If it is the Scriptures, then it smacks somewhat of legalism. If it is other believers, then it smacks of…well, it's not biblical that's for sure. But I suspect the index is made up of several things, one being willingness to use it. Openness before my Master and His Spirit make up the primary source of the index. Then Scripture can be rightly used to evaluate or indicate something about my state of righteousness.

So, again, prayer (another element of my relationship with my Master) comes down to my submission to my Master. Submission continues to be the key to everything about my relationship with my Master. I can't even muster the ability to evaluate my own life. I have to submit to His revelation and application of Scripture in my life to do that. I can't even just read it for myself, I need Him to explain it to me, and apply it to my life. It is a wonder I can wipe my own nose without Him (actually even that – I often need others He has placed around me to know when my nose needs wiping).

This may sound silly and overdone, but this is exactly where He needs me. This is the approach to spiritual poverty I have to have before His Kingdom is open to me. I need that to be the Knight of the Realm He has designated me to be. I need this spiritual poverty before I can be of any use as a servant. This requirement of poverty is a wonder to me, but I see its necessity. It goes with the realization that I can do nothing to impress One who forms stars (the giant balls of fusing atoms of Hydrogen and Helium in deep space, not famous people – that's the best we can do – sad isn't it?).

In a sense, this blog is a way my Master uses an index with me. Through this blog, I can see the indicators that my relationship with my Master is out of whack somewhere. I can evaluate my attitudes and thoughts, and therefore, my heart. I can see clearer the things my Master is pointing out to me about myself; areas He wants to work and chip away more of what does not reflect His character, and blurs His image. So what I do here is partly a way to be accountable, and partly a way to journal my life, to continue to take personal inventory, and when I'm wrong promptly admit it.

I guess the application of this today is to allow the index, submit to my Master's use of it and revelation of my character, and then to submit to His changes. That should be easy when one of my customers wants to complain about how their lack of attention to detail is somehow my problem. Or when my manager wants me to do or not do something I strongly disagree with (on principle, not ethically), I bet this evaluation will be clear and easy for me to focus on. But it will be at those times when I most need my Master, His input, His Spirit, and His index in my life. Bring it on.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, August 24

Seeking The Singular Mind Is Difficult For Me

When I pray, I suffer from the 'mental wool-gathering' that Chambers speaks of. I start to pray and suddenly all these other competing thoughts flood in and I can't concentrate. Even blogging has become something I need to concentrate on. I believe that this means that I am not as disciplined as I should be. And I also believe that once I gain the discipline of focus, I will need to discipline myself to keep it. I can't tell you how much I don't want to work that hard. But I must. Prayer is too important to let lapse. I can't not pray.

In some way, this blog is a prayer. I speak it out to others, but flows from my connection to my Master. This opens me up to His voice in ways sitting quietly to listen does not. Then prayer truly becomes two-way communication. I trust it more when I sense the voice of my Master, and not my own. I know the truth: That my Master loves me and wants to speak with me. But when I sit quietly, my own mind becomes my enemy; my thoughts of the day, imaginings of other people and conversations I will never have, and recent experiences all come to distract me from my Master.

I have also noticed that spending time just with those at some point does not diminish them when I pray; it makes them worse; as if my mind becomes trained to think of them. So the discipline of prayer I need is more quiet time clearing my mind so I can focus on my Master. I can only think of one thing at a time, so there is a perfect way to start. I will take each random stray thought captive to my Master. The danger I also have is emotion. I get easily frustrated as I do this, having an expectation that focus. I speak to the Master of the Universe after all; I mean, come on!

Ironically, when I focus only on the grandeur of my Master, the scope of His glory, if I seek to imagine the unimaginable reaches of His majesty, it's easier to focus on Him. I find it funny how worship makes prayer easier for me. The greatness of my Master, Maker of Stars, Destroyer of galaxies, and Sustainer of sub-atomic particles clears my mind; momentarily anyway. Then I'm off thinking of these things, or day-dreaming about preaching them, or thinking of my last star-party. The very things that should focus me on my Master I co-opt to think of myself.

My humanness seeps out of my mind when I pray; but not always, and not the whole time. There are lucid moments when the sweetness of just sitting in my Master's lap or bowing before Him consumes me entirely. There used to be this image I used to enter into prayer. I would imagine being in the corridor outside the throne room, being "dressed" by Jesus in preparation to stand before the Father. As I passed into the vast bright room, I passed through a membrane that filtered the evil out of me, leaving it in debris in the hall behind me. I was "cleansed" from my sin and unrighteousness. The feeling was initially shame, then joy at being accepted.

This has past being effective for me. I have become too familiar with it, and start making adjustments. I ceased being worship some time ago. I don't really have a replacement image, just the words I begin my prayers with; "You love me. You have my back. I am at Your service." These focus me for a time, and then I battle the thoughts, taking them captive, one at a time; submitting them to my Master. I need to do this without frustration. I need to accept this as part of prayer, and my daily life. It sounds easy, and it is to the extent that I can remember to do it.

So much vies for my attention, and I only need my Master. Please excuse me as I go and listen to my Master's orders for the day. Blessings upon you.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, August 23

Agreeing Is Not Necessarily All That Is Necessary

Yes. The odd thing about being able to say that I am no more and my Master is come is that it requires a relinquishment of my basic fear or need. Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs has security as the basic need foundational to all the others. That is what I give up. Relinquishment of that basic need is the gateway to my connection with my Master, the infusion of and emersion in His Spirit, and peace. The irony that peace comes at the relinquishment of my need for security is just one of many defining ironies of my relationship with my Master.

Giving up my security to my Master means that what I could not possibly provide for myself is over supplied for by my Master. The need for security may very well be basic, but I could never control enough of the world around me to ensure it. By giving up that need to my Master, I live forever; my life is more secure than I could ever hope to make it. That is the most peaceful fact I can know. I just wish knowing were all that I needed. I also need to believe, and live out that belief in faith.

It is the point of faith where I have yet another need to surrender to my Master, for faith really is a gift from Him. So, faith is what makes it possible to trust enough to surrender my need for security, and therefore faith is the basis for my peace. I truly am impoverished before my Master. I can't provide for my own security, I can't provide for the faith necessary to surrender my security, and I can't bring peace to my life. For all of that, the peace and the faith, I am totally dependent upon my Master.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, August 22

Do I Understand “Choice” or “Awareness” in Salvation?

Today I have to disagree with Chambers at a point in his entry. But on the whole, I completely agree. In fact, I believe he has struck on one of those particulars of theology that are so easily missed. Typical Christian theology tends toward either free-will or predestination to some extreme degree. But as Chambers points out, calling on human creatures to "choose Jesus" gives them a decision they often don't really understand. The "choice" is to submit to His lordship, not to decide I like Him better than the devil, or I like the idea of heaven better than hell, or that I like the Bible over some other religious writing.

Any decision I make that does not submit me to my Master is the wrong decision. Often the sense is that submission will come eventually after a decision is made for Jesus. But consider the words of Paul as he describes this decision, "…that if you confess with your mouth Jesus is Lord, and believe in your heart God raised Him from the dead, and you will be saved (Romans 10:9)." It begins with submission, so why would that come later? When I was a kid, at seven I submitted myself to Jesus, saying those words. I didn't understand it, but I was led to say it anyway. I understood it better later, but I was led to do it up front.

Regardless of whether the Calvinist camp of predestined election and irresistible grace or the Arminian camp of personal decision and responsibility before God, both must submit to the Sovereignty of God. I tend to upset both because I simply find both types of language in the Scriptures. So, I go with both, and don't try to explain it. I trust it makes sense from my Master's perspective. I do the same thing with the question of losing salvation. I see both types of language, so I go with both, focusing on what I call the "theology of 'the last man standing'": Only those who endure to the end will be saved.

So, yes, I agree that spiritual poverty is essential for salvation and a continuing life with my Master. I don't gain riches and value in and of myself over time with Him. I must always submit to Him in my eternal spiritual poverty. My life with my Master is characterized by the necessity to submit to Him. But on Chamber's point that awareness of effects means that my focus has been lost I disagree. I refer again to my ministry buddy, Paul. Paul seemed very aware and even took personal ownership of the work he did on his journeys.

This awareness and ownership did not take away from Paul's submission to his Master, but was part of his identification with his Master. Scriptures speak of knowing by testing fruits. What is meant there is being aware of the effects of ministry. How is it that I can do that and now be aware of what my Master is doing through me? Should I not examine my own fruit? Am I limited to the examination by others? Paul says he examines neither his own nor others, but really? He clearly examines others prompting him to write much of the Christian Scriptures to correct it. I am grateful he did.

But perhaps Chambers is referring exclusively to work done through me. Even here though, I disagree. There is a degree in which I don't understand my growth in my relationship to my Master, but I will notice it. There is an extent in which I am surprised by the work my Master does through me, but at some point I am bound to notice it. I may not take credit for it, and I shouldn't, but I will notice it. Even taking ownership follows the example of Paul. He was concerned for the spiritual welfare of others, but others where he had worked on behalf of his Master.

So, my availability and usefulness to my Master comes through submission to Him. I will wonder what He will do with me and accept that He will do something with me; perhaps already doing something. I will accept that I am accepted by Him, and not wonder if I've been "shelved". I will seek to be submitted to my Master in everything He leads me into. Today, I will worship. Tomorrow I will take care of my wife and family, and I will work. In all these things I will seek to be of service to my Master, at His beck and call. And will know if I don't, or if I do.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, August 21

More About Life With My Master

My eyes aren't what they used to be. But even when I was younger, I remember seeing "shadows" out of the corner of my eye. They were really just moving dark squiggles, and when I looked that way they were never there; probably just something on the goopy surface of my eye. This entry by Chambers reminds me of the same fleeting thing. Whenever I seek to live my life in my Master, I miss it. When I am in the life with my Master I don't have to seek it, I'm not even aware of not being in my Master; or something like that. Basically, seeking it means I don't have it, having it means I don't think about it.

So, what is my Master's will for me? Obviously I'm not connected enough to my Master because I would know if I were. What would my Master have me do in this situation? Obviously I'm not intimate with my Master or I'd know what He would have me do in this situation, it would come naturally. I have a fear here. I can sound a lot like my Master to myself. So, if just do what comes natural, I run the risk of still being out of intimacy with my Master, and then doing the completely wrong thing. There are plenty of crazy people who led the world, thinking they were doing the thing God wanted them to do. It wasn't biblical, but it was right! Well, perhaps not, and I don't want to be one of those crazies on a smaller scale.

I don't trust my natural instincts any more. I used to. When I was in middle school especially, I just assumed I was doing what my Master wanted a lot of the time. There were other times I knew for sure I wasn't. But I don't remember asking for clarity, or for revelation, or something like that to know what to do. So, was I walking close in faith with my Master or was I dependent upon my own common sense? That is my quandary. I can make decisions on the fly. I can handle intense situations with calm humor. Does that mean I am following my Master closely, or walking about in His presence?

But there are other things in this entry that resonate with me. I think I know the answer to those questions, and that they lie in the area of peaceful confidence in my Master, not in myself. Even there though, I have been caught in the sense of assurance in my assumption of what my Master would do for me instead of waiting on His answer. That is very hard to take. My disappointment is with my Master, but also with myself. How could I have missed the message? I missed it because I was blinded by what I wanted so much; I assumed my Master would want it too.

I've been reading books which involve Greek Mythology with modern settings. The element constant throughout Greek Mythology is this underlying current of thought that the "gods" don't really think much of humans and are capricious in their dealings with mortals. They don't follow "rules", the rules are that they have the power and they make the rules, or change the rules, or ignore the rules as they see fit. The "gods" of the Greek world, and other pantheons, were a lot like the kings they knew on earth.

I don't know my Master this way, the writings of the Hebrews and Christians tell a very different story. But from the perspective of my life with Him, it does seem like He is capricious some times. I can't understand a lot of what He does or why. I see from the Scriptures that the people in those accounts didn't either, and complained about that. I can also see where they submit to the fact that they can't see what He sees, and have to trust in faith that He has their best interests at heart. That is where I am now. I don't get a lot of what my Master does, nor do I understand why He does it. But I do know He loves me…or I believe He loves me…

It is at this very point that I have to remind myself that my Master does love me. I haven't been convinced of that for much of my life. I have felt that my secret sin was so distasteful to Him that He couldn't love me, His justice wouldn't allow it. But I was wrong. What I read in the Christian Scriptures is confirmed in the Scriptures written by the Hebrews; my Master loves me so much that the penalty demanded by His justice He paid Himself. It's not a national thing, and it's not an ethnic thing, and it's not an individual thing. I am loved because I am a created thing; and I am loved by my Creator.

So I pray, "You love me, You have my back, and I am at Your service." I need the reminder. I need to repeat it as I pray. I want to live in the confidence that these statements bring. I want to live fearlessly. I suppose it's time to pick up my loaned sword and shield and approach my fears. I suppose I should also cinch up my breastplate, tighten my belt, and don my helmet. I have work to do. I have to stand, and pray. See you later.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, August 20

Spiritual Disciplines: Preparation for a Paradigm Shift

"Self-consciousness is the first thing that will upset the completeness of the life in God." One of the things about me that I consider a strong quality is that I am self-aware. I am aware of my short comings, emotional problems, and even behavior patterns. I examine them to know why I do whatever I do, think what I think, and feel. For the purposes of getting out of an addictive life-style, that may be fine; a way to wake up from denial. But I from today's entry, and the observation of others, I see I need to move beyond that.

Self-control is not what works for an addict. Self-control, biblically speaking, is a quality produced by my Master in me. So, it increases the closer I am to Him. I have been trying self-control on my own, and it's not working like I thought it would. I see that I have fallen into a common addict-trap of "all-or-nothing" thinking. My method of self-control has been abstinence, and the answer is supposed to be transformation. The irony is that I didn't become aware of what I was doing until the effects were brought to my attention by my wife.

I have traded a form of control, not exactly self-control, for another. I have taken "permissive" control and switched it for "abstinence" control. The idea is to completely empty out one part of my life, thinking, and behavior as evil, segment that off, and live without it. That way, the problem I have had with my behavior in that area is solved. There are several problems with that view. One of the biggest problems is that addictions and addictive thinking will, more often than not, simply jump from one behavior to another. I think that is what has happened here.

If an addiction to drugs and alcohol is beaten by abstinence but not transformation, then it has a very good chance of showing up in another behavior, or it may already exist on several behaviors at once. With transformation, the addiction no longer needs an outlet; the problem it was trying to fix is gone. I need transformation, not the appearance of control. One real important example of this is with eating. Addiction to eating is not solved by not eating any more. A solution that enables healthy practice is what is required, and that requires transformation.

In Romans 12:1 and 2, Paul speaks of transformation in passive terms. He says to "be transformed by the renewing of your mind" which means someone else is doing the work of transforming. This is clearly my Master who does this to me. And it is my Master who renews my mind. Intimacy with Him cures the hurt and problem that I used to medicate with my addictive behavior, and now medicate with my sense of self-control. The problem for me remains; my method of dealing with it has changed. But the solution lies with my Master, not within me. I have a hurt, a…something; so much for being self-aware.

The transformation by the renewing of my mind means that these paradigm shifts I have written of in previous entries come home to roost in my mind and life. They become the true living framework for my life. That clearly hasn't happened yet. The problem of my busted painful paradigm remains, possibly in pieces or just parts, but remains. I still feel emotionally exhausted, and I don't know why. It may seem trivial, but I think I need two things. One I need more intimacy with my Master, and two, I need more intimacy with my wife. So, perhaps two disciplines need to be practiced.

I am good at disciplines, proven by the string of entries in this blog. I know I can discipline myself. I must discipline myself to make myself more available to my Master, not to improve myself or fix my problem. The danger is that the discipline becomes the new "self-control mechanism" rather than of my Master. Practicing being conscious of my Master is good and profitable. Practicing being conscious of my wife and her needs is also a good and profitable discipline. But neither one is "self-control" but rather submission to the transforming work of my Master; giving Him permission and room to renew my mind with new paradigms.

Like practice, it will not happen fast, and I'm impatient. I want "systems" I can put in place and then forget about (like sprinkler systems). But all systems need attention and periodic maintenance; cars, tools, sprinkler systems, and relationships. Nothing my Master has put under my care comes without responsibility. I have not yet reached heaven, and have work to do here before that happens. The Big Book of AA refers to "trudging" and, while that doesn't sound very fun, many things I have to do don't have the "fun" payoff. But some do. Some responsibilities reap immediate and pleasant results; like intimacy with my wife!

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, August 19

Working On Empty

I thought I was following Chambers' entry, then he gets to the last paragraph. After reading it three times and then again out loud, I got it. I can be self-loving at two polar opposite spectrums; positively about myself and my character, and negatively about myself and my character. What Chambers says in the last paragraph is that both are self-love. And self-love is where Jesus' harsh word about coming to Him points.

The Rich Young Ruler, Richard to his friends, is deeply grieved to be told to give up all he possesses because he is extremely rich. There could have been a very real awareness that his wealth was also created blessings for others in his household, his business associates, and the community at large. To give all that away would be to hurt or discomfort a lot of people. He may have been aware of that too. If he did, then he couldn't see that in that position, he took on a role reserved for God; provision. I can be really comfortable and proud of my "service" to my Master; even service I perform with His provision for me. That's a great way to lose it.

It could have been the obvious problem that he was in love with being so comfortably rich. That could have kept him from following Jesus. I have "comfort zones" in financial areas as well as emotional and relational areas. These are places where I may hear such a hard request of my Master. There are other areas I am blessed in that I may need to give up in order to be available to my Master as He wants. One I mentioned before is the sense that I am a minister with lots of skills and experience to offer. Well, tough. I could be here to financially support the service and ministry of others (like my wife), and remain in the background of church and community life. What if it weren't about me and my skills after all?

The point to Chambers entry is for me to poor in spirit although he calls it "destitute in the sense that I am destitute." I am clearly on my way there. And awareness of my sinful nature constantly with me, awareness that all my "skills" don't amount to much in my righteousness or acceptability before my Master, awareness that my standing before my Master is only because He wants and places me there; these help reinforce my sense of poverty. I live in the house and wear the clothes of someone else. They are "company" assets, not my own. They are the things of my Master, not me. And, grace upon grace, that will never change for eternity.

My goal in this is to embrace this paradigm shift from ownership to stewardship. Where I need to get to is the complete emptiness before my Master. I see that it is only when I come to Him open handed with empty hands that I am truly available to Him to fill those hands with the tools He wants me to use for the work He has for me. This sounds worse than cleaning out the garage. Well, I guess I had better get at it. Where are my work gloves…and ibuprophen?

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, August 18

Hard Words Leading Into a Deeper Walk

It's my belief about my Master that He will and has pushed me where it costs what is most dear. In the process of coming out here, at one point, I had to tell my wife that we needed to behave as if we were staying since Jesus had not made it clear we were moving west. I have taken time away from playing computer games to see its effects more clearly. I have had to admit I was wrong to a customer. These are things that may seem trivial, but here's what they accomplished.

I struggle with co-dependency, and more than anything in my family, want everyone to just get along with each other. Hurting my wife by telling her that her most obvious desire is not going to happen struck was difficult. I was causing the hurt I try to avoid in my family. Eventually, we did move, and the hurt turned out to be temporary, but I had no sense of that when I told her to plan on staying. Right now, my daughter is without friends (this neighborhood is somewhat like a ghost-town, it's weird). That means that part of my family is not provided a basic element of settling into this new place. That's hard to take.

The computer games have always been a sore point with my wife, but they are something I can do in the living room with my family while we watch TV. After the tension with my wife got to an uncomfortable point, I decided to take a look at what I was doing. I was playing a lot and I was not happy. Perhaps these two were linked. So I stopped playing. I can't say that I'm happier, but I did discover that I was using games to avoid projects around the house. I am a lot more productive without them. I still can't sit down and just enjoy TV, and sometimes I get up to snack (not great). But I have also wired stuff in a wall (only a month in the works), and have two more walls to go. I have replaced a kitchen faucet. And so on.

The thing about these items is that they were not what I wanted to do, but rather what I felt was right. I believe that my Master has been leading me in these decisions. They may not be specific issues for anyone else, but they are certainly for me. I don't believe my Master worked with me so I could tell others to stop playing computer games, or to wait and plan to be in a place until a move is made clear. Those are things He said to me. Those are issues I face in my struggles. Perhaps I will be able to encourage someone else with these later, but now they have been for me.

There are others as well. If I spent time inventorying things that my Master has told me to give up, or let go, or to do, or whatever which were counter to my desires or tendencies, I could fill this entry with them. These are more close to the surface and serve as examples. But when Chambers uses Jesus' response to the rich young ruler in Luke 18:22, and then says that if I have not heard Jesus say a "hard word" then he doubts I have heard anything at all, it bugs me. He makes it sound as if all my Master says are hard words. That's silly. These things my Master says to me are aimed at removing stumbling blocks in my relationship with Him.

To say that it has to be hard is difficult to support. That is a subjective evaluation. What is hard for me may be easy for someone else. What someone else struggles with my not be an issue for me. What defines hard? But my Master says what He does in order to draw me deeper into a more intimate relationship with Him. With the rich guy, He wanted the guy to do what he said. He was sad when he didn't. Peter and John left their business of nets; this guy didn't leave his wealth. There was a difference of response, not a difference of calling. I believe that my Master calls me from what is dear or natural for me into following Him, which is neither. At this point I can't imagine going back, and I can't really remember what I left. But I don't look at is as hard at this point. Whatever He asks me may be difficult for me, but it will always be worth it.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, August 17

Do I Hear My Shepherd’s Voice?

So, on the one hand, anyone born of the Spirit does not sin, but on the other hand, when I doubt, deny, not hear His voice, there is restoration. I do like this entry of MUFHH after yesterday. The questions asked, I answer with a "yes." I have misunderstood my Master, I have stubbornly doubted, and I have denied Him. The verses used and the points made are odd. For misunderstanding, Chambers connects John 10:17 where Jesus says why the Father loves Him, because He lay down His life to take it up again. I don't think I have misunderstood that so much as the implications of that for my life.

In John 10:27 Jesus says that His sheep hear His voice and follow Him, and He knows His sheep. The question Chambers asks is, "Have I stubbornly doubted?" I'm not sure I see the connection except he seems to applaud Thomas on his desire for that close intimate touch of his Master. I'm caught somewhere between these two since I believe I have heard and followed my Master, yet I too have doubted something about Him, like His grace toward me.

The last one, John 21:15-17 is where Jesus restores Peter during breakfast. Jesus knows all my faults, failures, and denials of Him, yet has never let me go. He restores my soul as in Psalm 23, He calls me by name as in John 10, and He loves me with all that He knows of me. Why restore me? Why go to the effort for a failure? It's not like I'm done failing or with faults or even with denying Him. He knows my frailty, yet invests in me. In fact, knowing what He does, He still becomes emotionally involved with me, as I mentioned before.

So here I am facing a week of work and normal challenges, but also knowing that my wife will be out of town most of next week. I know the pang of loneliness coming. I fear it. I have failed most often when my wife has been out of town. This will be several days, and while I have taken precautions on some things, I can't for everything. On some things I simply have to lean hard into my Master. This is the first real test of my sobriety in several months. I have made it through some days, but not this many and not in this setting. I am untried in this environment. So I need a few things.

First I need accountability. I am accountable for my actions, attitudes, and beliefs. Those are mine, and my behaviors are the main thing here. My attitude will follow my actions, and I can adjust that as I need to, when I become aware of it. But my life needs to be open about my behaviors if I am to succeed this coming week. I need to open my life up to others, including my wife, but also to others. But one action I need to take, perhaps proactively, is to inventory my emotions. I don't like to do that because I'm emotionally stupid (I don't notice my emotional problems until well into them). But I need to constantly inventory them with someone else.

What I'm feeling will help assess my condition and indicate what I need to surrender to my Master at the moment. My emotions come from somewhere for some reason. I need to be aware of what I'm feeling so I can monitor that unconscious belief system that I am also accountable for. I get snuck up on and ambushed by my ignorance of what I'm feeling. My wife normally asks and then I do the inventory with her, but she won't be around next week. It will be on me to monitor my own feelings. So next week's entries should include an inventory of feelings.

These things are great, and helpful to a degree. But what I need more than anything is the comfort of my Master, His Spirit, and the peace of His Presence. I am not alone. I am not abandoned. I am not rejected or worthless. I have value unimaginable because my Master has given Himself, and will continue to give Himself for me. I don't get why, but I know He does. The value is there regardless of my belief or disbelief or lack of imagination as to a "why", or any other created thing. I need my Master. I need to submit to Him, to love Him, worship Him, and to obey Him. I need to walk my life next week before His face.

I'm not looking forward to next week, but I will have my daughter here, my Master here, and I all I need. Perhaps I should consider it all joy when I face this trial. Perhaps I should listen for the voice of my Shepherd in it. Perhaps I should walk through this valley (nothing like a dark valley of death, but it will have to do) with His rod and staff guiding me and protecting me. I have someone to care for, my daughter. So I have some clear responsibility beyond just not acting out. I need to be available to her since I will be all she has for the next week; not very interesting for her unfortunately. That should actually help. It will be good to have someone besides myself to think about. Perhaps I will forget about myself. That would be nice, not likely, but nice. It's only Tuesday, I have a few days to work on this problem.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, August 16

Born Again to Not Sin? I Must Still Be Incubating

"Do I stop sinning or have I stopped sinning?" What a bizarre question for me. Chambers description of what the "born again" life looks like or is evidenced by bothers me. My answer is "of course not." And the absurdity of it bothers me because he uses a book of the Christian Scriptures which has always bothered me as well. John's first letter gives me the impression that I'm not supposed to be sinning, but it also says, "If we say we have no sin we are deceiving ourselves and the truth is not in us" (1 John 1:8). It is in John 3 that being born of God marks itself as living righteous. Sinning is the mark of not being born of God.

The obvious reason I don't like this passage is that, under an addiction, I sin regularly, persistently, and obviously. I fit into that description of "practices sin" and John says that this is evidence that I am not "born of God." I was not even addicted until after I accepted Jesus as my Savior and Lord. So, that would make my entire life with my Master not really life at all. This is not easy to take, but I wonder if that is really what John was getting at. The purpose of the letter and the description of what he means by righteous living do not sound like my addiction or addiction at all.

It could be possible that John is writing about a specific group who were under the impression they could live and treat people as they liked, and still claim to be believers. I didn't do that. I did not claim that what I was addicted to was acceptable. I never switched it around to say it was actually a good thing. I never was comfortable when others just put it down to "male tendencies." It was and is sinful tendencies, selfish tendencies, and not acceptable to my Master in any form. But was it evidence that I was not a believer? That's where I'm stuck. I am freer from it now than I have been, but it is still seven months, not a year or more. I have not been a year in this place, this routine, or this set of seasons free from my addiction.

I just finished setting up an accountability camera in my office. I hope this helps. That means that I have no place to practice my addiction where my wife can't witness the evidence of it. This is great, but it does not guarantee that I won't act out. This is fine and all, but I still have that dangerous tendency. I still feel the addiction close by me. I haven't acted on it, and I haven't succumbed to it, not so far. But doesn't the fact that it is so close to the surface mean that I am, in a sense, still enslaved to it?

I don't know a comfortable answer to this dilemma. What I know is that my Master loves me, He has my back, and He calls me to be at His service. I know that His service includes waiting, worshipping, and walking about in His presence. That much I know. Today, I will live out what I know. For me, that will be righteousness for today. Tomorrow my Master may send me to Tanzania (or Hawaii, I offered that one), but today, that will be the righteousness of my Master in my life.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, August 15

Under The Jeweler's Chisel

The correction and convicction of my Master (Hebrews 12:5) is where Chambers says I can quench the Spirit of my Master, and he says it is easy to do. I take from this that it is also not necessarily a permanent condition. I thought from yesterday it could eventually become so.

If I resist, or rather when I resist my Master's correction I am reacting in the baser of my qualities, and they are all mine. I am driven by fear, pride, selfishness, resentment, or even idolatry. To reject anything my Master suggests is to place something above His soverignty in my life. That is idolatry.

Yesterday I believe I was shown something of my relationship with my Master, and I took it, embraced it, and tried to make my day different because of it. That should always be my response to His correction or conviction, but it's not. Sometimes I ignore it, sometimes I reject it or talk myself out of it.

But sometimes I embrace it. I believe I'm improving in this area, I'm not sure. I'm still in Oregon with the inlaws, and I have a long drive back with a very early start, and lots to do before we leave. This is a great opportinity to live out my new perspective of my relationship with my Master. It's also a great opportunity to fail in that.

Let's hope and pray I am able to live out of my Master's emotional attachment to me, so that I won't quench the Spirit He has given me as a deposit of heaven. That would be a good day regardless of difficulty along the way. I guess school is now in session; afterall, I am awake.

Oswald Chambers' "My Utmost For His Highest": August 14th.

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Where the Spirit of my Master is...

Wrapping up Paul's first letter to the church at Thessalonica, he gives a list of 'admonitions', one of which is, 'Don't quench the Spirit.' How do I keep from doing what I have often assumed was impossible? For the One 'hovering over the waters' of creation, quenching just seems so...impossible.

And yet there is no mistaking this admonition, nor that this One can be grieved. Given as a deposit againt the final redemption in heaven, He can be both grieved and quenched by me.

It seems so incongruent to picture the Spirit of the Master Crafstman of the universe as a sad spectator of my life with no influence. In fact I can't imagine it. It makes no sense to me at all. It's like rain falling up into the sky. It is contrary to its nature, as is a mere Spectating Spirit.

I have wandered under the assumption that my life had little effect on the joy and peace of God. To a degree I'm right. But part of the mysterious grace in what my Master has done comes in the willful intentional choice to tie Himself to me emotionally, to become emotionally involved with me. He's God, how can this be?

And yet it is. I can cause my Master emotional pain. Me, among the billions alive now and billions more no longer alive, He is emotionally involved with me.

He was emotionally involved with Israel; and I assume He still is. The Hebrew Scriptures are very clear on that point. Jesus was emotionally involved with His disciples. The Gospels are very clear on that point. But this is both more general and more specific. It is specificly personal to me, and generally true for every other believer as well. It is too huge for me to wrap my mind around. It is too much grace for me to grasp. Why would He do that for me.

I realize from this perspective that I have lived as if I didn't matter that much to my Master, that my life has little effect on Him and His work. I see that He chooses to relate to me otherwise. He makes me important and matter to Him and His work. My assumption has been a massive error.

Sure I always knew He knew, but I am stumbling upon the realization that He also cares. That puts a level of responsibility on me I would much rather avoid. But I cannot escape it. He loves me, and I am learning that this fact means more than I originally thought. He really loves me, choosing the irrational position of becoming emotionally involved with a foolish servant.

So today I will strive to be more aware of the effect I have on my Master, and seek to neither quench His voice, nor grieve His heart. A big task that I am not equal to. I will need to love Him back more than I do now, that is for sure. Well, here I go. Wish me luck.

Oswald Chambers' "My Utmost For His Highest": August 13th.

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Things I Used Do Better, Like Faith.

Of all the things I've lost or forgotten over the years, the absolute confidence in my Master is probably the I miss the most. Although, I probably had it for the wrong reasons, and needed to have it crushed.

I lived under the impression that whatever I did was His will and He would back me up. But I also had confidence that I could do anything. It was an odd juxtaposition of opposite beliefs. Who did I really trust? Was I trusting my Master or my own ability with my Master as backup if I were wrong?

I prayed daily, read my Bible daily, and then lived my life as if that were all there was to it. I did the church & good Christian thing. I went to school and stayed out of trouble mostly. I hung out with friends and stayed out of trouble mostly. But were my decisions on what to do and who to do them with based on what my Master wanted or whatever I wanted?

Perhaps I have glamorized my past. But now I live with my faith more closely tied to my Master in the moment. It's just that I don't feel as confident. It's that confidence I miss. What I need is the confidence Jesus chided the disciples for not having in Matthew 8:26, and what Chambers says is characterized by rest.

The confidence in my Master that is demonstrated in true peace regardless of circumstances. I am headed there, especially shown in our transition out to Nevada. But now our circumstances are different and I need to demonstrate that faith now as well.

Surprise, surprise, I have more growing to do. Well, I'm sitting on a balcony overlooking the Oregon Coast with the waves rolling over dark rocks, fog close off shore, and I need a jacket. Rest here is easy. Monday will pick up where I left off Wednesday, and I need the same sense of peace and rest in my Master then.

Oswald Chambers' "My Utmost For His Highest": August 12th.

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Walking on My Own With My Master

Only at a few times in my life have I had a spiritual leader. And each time they were available only for a season. I lament this, citing it as one of the most difficult aspects of my spiritual life.

Perhaps in some way this is part of my difficulty with "personality" ministries; the source of my prejudice. I don't trust leaders easily. This also makes it hard to find spiritual leader. They're there, my prejudice just makes finding them harder for me.

So with spiritual leadership, I need to learn another level of submission. Submission to spiritual leaders is submission to my Master, the One who placed them in the position. To not submit to them is to rebel against the choice of my Master.

The other obvious aspect for me is jealousy. I want my Master to choose me to lead. He won't, not yet anyway. I want it, and therefore for wrong reasons. One day I will accept it as part of my desire for my Master. Until then I will serve in lesser capacities.

I have considered the possibility that I already walk alone with my Master, and that is how He wants it. The problem with this is that as I learn more of submission to my Master, I see that it includes submission to spiritual leaders; to learn instead of teaching. Teaching is still too much me, and not enough of my Master. I have a bit more to learn first.

I am learning. Even as I write this I see this entry as my essay answer on my Masters exam. I am slowly getting His point. As I do, He speaks through others, I gain a fuller insight to His Scripture, and I see that I don't walk this life alone, but with friends and guides.

So today I will see what my Master has for me through someone I meet, and I will submit to the pastor He places me under. I will submit and not see myself as his equal. Pardon me as I change my paradigm. I'll be back in a bit.

Oswald Chambers' "My Utmost For His Highest": August 11th.

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In The Barracks of Spiritual Life Training for the Trenches

This entry is right in my concern, or at least it ends that way. I am not suffering for doing what it right, but I am wondering why my Master has my family out here in rural Nevada. Last night I had to scale back my desire to do what I like to do, lead. There is a need for someone to do a "Step Study" for the 12-step group I meet with. I'm new and they know I have experience, but I am ineligible. I need a solid year of sobriety, and I need it for two reasons. Sure the program recommends it, but I have discovered that, with me, it is necessary. The last couple of times I have led step studies, I have relapsed during the study.

Ironically, these studies aren't that difficult to lead. There's no preparation beyond what the participants do. It's just a matter of facilitating; keeping it moving, on task, and according to the guidelines. It's not a bigger drain emotionally or spiritually than just participating. I think that the position puts me out in front of the participants as an example, and therefore a target for the enemy. But I really can only blame myself for the relapses. It's my self-reliance that does me in. I can't walk a recovered life without my Master. Submission is so crucial for me that to step out of it for a day is to endanger myself critically.

Since the night before (see the previous entry), I know that my addiction is close to the surface. I have not yet carved out a familiar path of sobriety and am constantly in danger of falling into old more familiar patterns of thought and behavior. The danger decreases as time goes on, but seven months for me is not enough. I told the group after December I would consider leading a group. I have to wait. I'm not strong enough; my pattern of leading in 12-step groups demonstrates that. I need to be patient and let my Master continue to work in me. My attitude is not yet where it needs to be to lead a group, not yet.

But back to Chambers, I agree with his assertion that to suffer as a goal is foolish. Suffering comes on its own as I follow my Master. My goal is obedience to my Master not the clear obvious suffering that brings the attention of others. And when I do suffer, pity is not what I need, but encouragement to stay the course my Master has for me. Right now, I'm not there, but I hope to be. Perhaps in six more months I will be. I know there is nothing particularly magic about a year of sobriety, but one time through the "seasons" of life will help. I need several things to endure suffering while following my Master, not just time.

One of the things I need to continue in submissive obedience is courage. It takes courage to face the drudgery of the daily routine, along with perseverance. I also need an attitude of dependent submission. I hate that one, but I desperately need it. In 12-step groups we say that we are powerless. And yet we also posit responsibility to ourselves for our behavior. The way it can be both/and is that we are dependent, as every believer is regardless of their opinion. Dependence upon my Master is what enables me to make a good decision. I need to submit and depend on my Master daily, every moment. For me, independence means death.

With at least time, courage, and dependent submission I can soldier on, even in the boring times of routine goodness. Soldiers never appreciate the barracks until they're in the field being shot at. While in the barracks, boredom drives them to endear the field, and then in the field, reality bites. It's a cycle that is nearly inescapable, even being aware of it. Barracks are necessary in order to face the fields of danger. There has to be a safe place to return to for rejuvenation; safer anyway.

So I will continue my barracks duty while I train in submission, obedience, dependence, and encouragement. Soon, my Master will send me into the field. But I will obediently remain until that time. That is part of obedience, waiting until instructed. It's how I got here, it needs to be how I behave here. I've had my coffee, so it's time to get at it.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, August 10

My Rebellion Trumped By His Grace

One of the interesting details in the account of the resurrection of Lazarus in John 11 is how Jesus is clear that this event is really about Him, not Lazarus, not his sisters, and not even the disciples (vs. 14, 15, 41, 42). The events unfold to bring belief, not relief. And Chambers points out that Jesus begins His prayer with thanks to the Father that He hears Jesus. Again, a phrase for the audience to ensure they know what this event is really about. Jesus reveals more of His divine nature here, His total power over death.

Chambers goes on to say that when the Son is born in me, I will then have reached "that day" Jesus speaks of later in John when I will ask in His name and the Father will give it. I have to agree that the unity of my Trinitarian Master is something that I am supposed to participate in (or with), but I don't really understand how. I know it also involves other believers, but again, I don't know how. I think it would be too trite to say that it happens in modern worship. I must have missed that particular event, a lot. Perhaps it happens in service as a church to a hurting community. Maybe it is part of what happens when all the roles of a church function together. That would be more difficult to see or sense (at least for me, I don't participate in all of them).

When the Spirit of my Master resides in me and I am a Temple of the Holy Spirit, Chambers says I become "the Bethlehem of the Son of God." I'm not so sure I can really follow that analogy, because Chambers seems to posit that event later on in the believers' life. I believe that it happened when I accepted my Master's mastery over me, as opposed to later. Now I know I had no idea what that meant for many years later, but I don't believe my Master was waiting around to provide me the gift of His Spirit until I really understood. Instead I believe that it was because His Spirit took up residence that I finally understood His mastery; it was revealed by His Spirit in me (I'm not that smart, so it had to be Him).

But I still sense the tremendous degree that I need to submit to my Master. Even last night I let thoughts from my addiction dance about in my head. Ironically it was a lot of work to let them. I had trouble staying focused. And I finally shook myself, and confessed to my Master what I was doing, not only the thoughts, but what those thoughts meant for my submission to Him. I was in wanton rebellion. I can't rest on the fact that such evil thinking is harder now, nor that all I did was in my mind. That does not mean that what I did was acceptable. I have a battle to fight as a knight of my Master's realm. The battle is against those mental and spiritual strongholds that set themselves up against the truth of my Master's mastery in my life.

So, even as I write about submission, I pursue rebellion. It doesn't need to last long before I recognize what I did for what it is; that I did it at all indicates the presence of my evil nature close by me. As my Master told Cain, "sin is crouching at the door, its desire is for you, but you must master it." Is it any different for me? How close is my sin, my rebellion, my willful self-centered, self-indulgent mind? My disobedient "id" seeks to escape the clutches of my "super ego" and run freely. Unfortunately, my super ego likes to keep peeking at the id and let it smell freedom, and play at keeping it under wraps. Oh stupid "Freudian" man that I am, who will save me from the body of sin and death?

Well, I know Who, and I am thankful. Whatever I struggle with, my Master stays with me. And I live in grace not fear. I should live in fear, terrified of disobeying the Master of all matter. Instead I receive grace, acceptance, and love; consequences, but love throughout. I need that. I need the confession to my Master, "You love me, You have my back, and I am at Your service." I need to follow my Master's direction to wait, worship, and walk before Him. Even as I dive headlong into the valley of shadow, He is with me with His rod and staff to protect me and guide me. Why He doesn't stand on the rim of the valley and shake His head, cluck His tongue, walk away I don't really understand. But He fearlessly accompanies me through the valley; even when it's not His valley. Weird.

So, this day I will seek, once again, to offer my moments to my Master's service. I will see how successful I am in submission. All I need to do is submit. It sounds easy, except that it means dying. Oh well, nobody lives forever…in this body anyway.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, August 9

Wrestling with a Child-like Paradigm

In Luke 1:35, the explanation given to Mary of "How can these things be?" is used by Chambers to explain that an incarnation in me requires submission of my "common sense self". The Eternal Innocent Child must always be in contact with His Father, always about His Father's business. Since this Child resides within me, it is my attachment to common sense that hinders the Son from reaching His Father. I find some serious limitations to this analogy.

One problem is that Jesus was innocent without ignorance. Children are not. Once a child learns something, they lose the innocence. In fact, early on, children will use means which are nothing like innocence to gain what they want. It's not evil in the sense of intentionally hurting others; it's evil in the sense of no regard for others. It is an inherent evil residing in everyone, regardless of culture. Psychologists call it "survival instinct" in order to make it seem more palatable. I can't be upset with a child for trying to do what he needs to do to survive, right?

The Son of God does not have such a "survival instinct." In fact Chambers points out that the interior life of the saint is to be making up what is lacking in the suffering of Jesus. That would mean that this Eternal Innocent Child within is following the same pattern of self-sacrifice, not self-preservation. Following this Child is not like following a child at all. I think what Chambers is seeking for is a way to describe the unsullied connection to the Father, untainted by the pragmatic systems of this world, its societies, and acceptable paradigms. I completely agree with that, but still wrestle to live it out.

I am still working under my own pragmatic paradigms, fear of being unaccepted by others, striving after the standards of others, and seeking my own comfort. I have just yesterday given up playing computer games for a while. I want to see if this affects my depression. I have not been to the doctor nor made an appointment, but I stopped complaining about it. I have gotten better, but not enough. I am leaving these off because I want to know whether they are affecting the depression or being driven by it. Since they may be another form of an addiction, the answer is probably both and, not either or.

This "fasting" from computer games is another way I am trying to remove something that could be hindering the Spirit of my Master from having His way in my life. There are weeds in the back yard that need attention (i.e. destruction), I have a trailer that needs to be emptied which requires a trip to the thrift store, I have a lawn that seems to need constant mowing (not really, it just seems that way), and to mow, I need to lower the mower which on this cheaper model means I need to remove the wheels and put them in the higher set of holes. These are things I don't do but instead, I play games. I tell myself I'm tired or have worked all day, or whatever I need to in order to protect my game time. The games need to go for a while.

So, without my childish games, can I still let the Eternal Child have His connection with the Father? The Eternal Son of God, my Master, His Spirit, and our Father, all of the Master of the universe, has decided that I am someone He wants to hang out with. But hanging out with me requires that I allow it. He doesn't crash the party of my life (well, actually, He does, but not like most party crashers), but calls to me to open the door of the core of my being. He can make me do it if He wanted, but He restrains Himself. Once I do open myself to Him, He takes up residence, and the house-cleaning begins. As I submit to His work of cleaning in my life, I become less entrenched in the paradigms of this world into which I was born, and more enmeshed in the paradigm of His perspective. The scene remains the same, but the colors and details change. That is what I am hoping for. That will be when I suffer in the clash of competing paradigms, and I will. Everyone else in the same circumstance has, why wouldn't I? Well, here I go.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, August 8

Is Regression to Childhood Spiritual Growth?

I had to re-read this entry in MUFHH a couple of times to get at Chambers' point. This is one of the more "philosophical" of his entries in that it looks at things a bit further behind the surface things I do. The reply of Jesus to His parents when they find Him in the Temple is really interesting. But I have never thought to apply it as Chambers has. In Luke 2:49 Jesus replies to Mary (Joseph is again silent), "What that you look for Me? You didn't know that in these of My Father it is necessary for me to be?" The word "house" is missing. The definite article saves a "place" for something that is normally translated "house." The article is plural, not singular as I would expect. So I left it as is rather than inserting "House" like everyone else. Why start following the religious crowd now after all the years in passive aggressive rebellion?

Without "house" I find a wider interpretation available to me. Oddly it supports the application of Chambers really well. He makes an interesting statement, "Our Lord's childhood was not immature man-hood; our Lord's childhood is an eternal fact." I had not gone there. The "faith of a child" I am supposed to have is the faith demonstrated by my Master in the walk of His life? This is one of those things where I wonder that it never occurred to me before. Why wouldn't it be? My walk each day is to be the child-like confidence and connection that my Master enjoyed in His earthly life with the Father.

My daughter is an only child. She desperately wants the attention of my wife and me. I work at home now, and it can be awkward timing to give her that attention. But that is exactly how I am to be with my Master. I should be annoying Him with conversation all day long. My daughter restrains herself, but she wants more contact than I can give her. She wants my attention, to do things so I notice, to make things that I am impressed with. She wants me involved in all the things she does. She wants to be a part of nearly everything we do. Why am I not this way with my Master? What is wrong with me that I haven't seen this? Am I so deluded into self-sufficient imaginings that I believe I don't really need to be that connected to Him?

I suspect that the life of a child is wrapped up and completely dependent upon their parents. And I mean "life" in the sense of "get a life!" not in the sense of being fed and cared for. Their sense of self and value is tied directly to their parents. They just see this as the way it is and only later try to escape it (adolescence). Why am I not this way with my Master? Why do I not see my "life" as totally dependent upon Him? This is especially hard for me in light of how much my Master has done to provide for this life I enjoy here. I have to be really thick not to see and get this. I feel really stupid right now. And yet, even as I write this, I feel this sense of discomfort in being "childish" with my Master.

There is a certain sense in which I entered adulthood to avoid the fears of childhood. Everything was unknown and scary as a child. The world was a big frightening place. It still is, but as an adult I have learned to prop up a façade to hide behind for safety. It isn't real, nor is it very sturdy, and it is partially propped up by an assumption that people will essentially obey certain basic societal rules. Not everyone does, and I have this underlying fear of "what if" I run into one. It's really a poor way to live when I pull it out and look at it.

Children don't worry about such things, at least not until their world is invaded by such people. Usually children just rely on their parents to take care of stuff and make their world work. And that usually works. So, when I have the Maker and Sustainer of the Universe and sub-atomic particles as a parent, why don't I do that? Why can't I just rely on my Father to take care of stuff and make my world work? There is one problem with this view. Children don't like pain, and pain makes up a lot of what believers experience in life. That's a whole different entry, but the solution is that pain does not distract children from their parents, it usually increases their focus.

The basic application for me is to annoy my Master with questions, discoveries, bad artwork, and scraped knees. I need to always be asking what He's up to, and "can I help?" Entering an apprenticeship is sort of what it's like, except that I will always be the child working the plastic kid's tools instead of the real work of my Master. That's ok, I don't mind being forever young. I'm part of the way there anyway; I play a lot of games, wear shorts and hats, and like the icing more than the cake. Now if I can just ratchet up my annoying level with my Master, I might be headed in the right direction. By the way, how can I re-frame my work as "play"? That's a tough one. I know! Chores! Oh boy, chores.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, August 7

The Little I Know Reflected in the Little I Pray

Prayer is often one of the least understood activities of believers. I don't do it enough. When I consider that in prayer I commune with the Maker and Sustainer of the vast universe, the "Attraction" of subatomic particles, the One forming suns, galaxies, and destroying them; prayer takes on different meaning. I step out of this mundane world, tasks, job, relationships, and fears; and step into a vista without boundaries to speak to One without limits. Worship can be like this, but not without prayer regularly in my life.

I don't pray enough. When I have trouble focusing at work, when my passive aggressive tendency raises up, when I have too much to do, too little time, and I sense that frustration I know so well; the answer is prayer, not to "think" something different. It's not in me to "fix" any of these things. Only my Master has solutions to problems I don't understand, situations I only see portions of, and attitudes I deny about myself. He takes away the need to solve the problem, the confusion of the situation melts away into the assurance He does understand, and He holds up that mirror of His Spirit so I can see what I am doing that is causing my problem. I desperately need Him, not the other way around.

I don't go to pray with the assumption I'm filling Him in on circumstances, or enlightening Him about my problems, or even that I might somehow provide Him a necessary service. Prayer is an invitation from my Master to me to be brought into the work He is already doing. Prayer strips away the protective façade I "hermit crab" within. Prayer is what makes me more available to Him. The less prayer I participate in, the less available I am to Him. I need it more. I need to pray, intentionally, consciously, perhaps audibly, and definitely regularly. I need to pray during my time of work, my times of alone, my times of frustration, and my times of peace and joy.

Praying without ceasing is a concept I suspect is only available to those who also pray deliberately and regularly through a day. Then the in between times are prayer as well because of the residual presence of my Master. I'm not there yet. I want to be. I want to know that when I pray, the Father hears because He loves me and knows I love Jesus. It, somehow, bypasses the need for intercession from Jesus (John 16:26-27). I suppose because the agency of His Trinitarian nature blurs any distinction, and I know I have one Master. These are things I may understand later, but now I am content to know that intimacy with my Master will only grow as I spend time with Him in prayer.

I have a lot to learn and a most incomprehensible Teacher from Whom to learn. This morning I will cut this short and spend some time doing what I will eventually be doing for eternity; praying.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, August 6

But I Don’t Wanna Do That Stupid Thing! I Don’t! I Don’t! I Don’t!

From what Chambers writes in this entry, I should not wonder about why my Master has brought my family out here to Nevada. Well I do. Not to meddle in it, but because I know without doubt that my Master has brought us out here. The rest of the entry is very helpful though. In fact yesterday I was talking with my wife about what was bothering me. I tried the "nothing" response, but I knew that wasn't right. So I began to talk about work. And a lot came out.

I am blessed to work from home. I clearly see that my Master has made that possible, so that I could move with a job. But there is an aspect of my job I don't like. When I call customers there is a requirement that I call so many per hour. The number works out to an average of one call every 3.75 minutes (3 minutes and 45 seconds). Each call requires the use of our new Customer Relationship Manager (I really like this one). The process goes from examining the account for other activities so I don't conflict with what other sales people are doing, examining their purchase history for needs analysis, and searching for the contact listed on my call sheet. Once a contact is found (and that is not a given due to the labyrinthine nature of our account/contact relationships – that's a long story which would make any database analyst weep), a call is logged which requires a form be filled in with information on the source, reason, and results of the call. And of course, the call needs to be made in there, and that includes dialing (I copy and paste to speed this up), waiting for the call to be picked up, speaking with the "gatekeeper", negotiating reaching the right person (not necessarily the one on the sheet), and either speaking with the person or leaving a message. All these things have to happen within an average of 3.75 minutes on each call, and that's if everything goes right. I'm struggling with my calls per hour.

That's my complaint, I feel the requirement is unreasonable, that my managers who used to do this job could no longer perform it with the work flow we have to use, and that no one is listening when I tell them that. The reality I deny with my attitude of self-righteousness is that I would more likely gain an audience if I didn't passive aggressively fail the calls per hour by a huge margin. 5 or 8 calls per hour will not impress them that I really know what I'm talking about.

The spiritual side of this is the clear implication from my Master that this is what He has called me to. It may not be all, but it is certainly part, and a large part. When I take that passive aggressive stance, I am not just rebelling against a flawed system; I am also, in my prideful idolization of my opinion about the system, rebelling against my Master. That is what I need to understand, accept, and the reason I need to swallow my pride and perspective. I need to "re-frame" as my wife puts it. I need a paradigm shift to my Master's paradigm. I won't understand His paradigm, nor will I be able to see it in its entirety. This is a definitive point of submission. And I need to submit.

One benefit of submission is that my boss will be happy, another is my wife will be happy (she likes it when I'm employed), and my relationship with my Master will be better. I will more closely resemble that servant of the King He calls me to be, and is transforming me into. I want that, but I don't want to get there this way. I am a resistant mustang, and I need to be broken before my Master. I am never really free and I need to serve a better Master. So, excuse me while I go do what I do as fast as I can. If you're reading this and you're an accountant, if I call you and talk really fast, please forgive me. I'm just trying to fit what I do into 3.75 minutes. Maybe if it turns out to be 4 or 5 I will gain some forgiveness. I will aim for 3.75 and leave the rest to my Master. I may need to do an afternoon entry just to be accountable with this specific thing.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, August 5