Pathological Endurance of Circumstantial Pressures, Or Something Like That

One of the ironies of my walk with my Master is the suffering. My ministry buddy, Paul sets a high bar for suffering though. When I look back over whatever suffering I have had, it was really just irritating or annoying compared to what he endured. So, when Chambers takes Paul's comment in Colossians 1:24, one that has always surprised me, and ties it to Paul's call to minister, I am confused.

There are two words used in this verse for "suffering". One is related to "pathos" or where we get pathological, and this one refers to painful, perhaps more emotional suffering. This is the first one used to refer to the "suffering over y'all" Paul does. The second word refers to affliction from outside circumstances, and is fairly common. It is more circumstantial than malevolent and is the "suffering of Christ" that had a short fall made up by Paul (which is the surprising part).

By tying these words together, Paul is taking two fairly distinct concepts and melding them into his elements of his ministry over the Church in Colossae, one where he had not been. What he is describing is an emotional pain over them, and then the afflictions suffered by Christ. But Paul makes up was missing in the inventory of Christ's afflictions in his body. That shocks me, it may not strike you as peculiar, but I'm seriously challenged by that statement. Christ wasn't afflicted enough in this world, so Paul makes up what was lacking in those afflictions? He either thinks a lot of himself or not enough of Christ, or both. I don't know if you caught it, but the "afflictions" were not of Christ when He ministered in this world during His earthly ministry, but in His afflictions currently on behalf of the church (His body) in the world.

Ok, you may still not see that, but when/if you do it makes applying this verse and attitude a lot easier. To follow Paul's example, I accept affliction in this life on behalf of the church, just as each affliction of the church afflicts my Master. It is part of my identification with my Master, and it is a painful part. Sure Paul spent time in prison, but he also spent time in prayer, sending messengers to gain news of congregations, and emotional time with his Master interceding for these easily confused congregations. The letters of the Christian Scriptures ascribed to Paul are almost all corrective of problems in congregations all over Southern Europe and Asia Minor. They are products of Paul's time in prayer on their behalf.

Now, Chambers takes this and ties it to my calling and the pain that focuses in one particular area of service. He distinguishes this calling from what I want to do when I come to my Master in sanctification (the process of being made holy; i.e. set aside for divine service only). Chambers says that is self-directed, and the pain referred to in this verse is pain in the calling directed by my Master. I don't see the connection exactly. When I was called to whatever it was I missed, it wasn't pain that guided me. When I was called it was being carried away by the Spirit of my Master in doing something I couldn't explain and couldn't replicate. Perhaps I should have looked for pain instead?

Perhaps I don't really understand either this verse or Chambers entry. I agree with where Chambers goes after the first paragraph, but how he ties that to this verse I don't quite see. On the other hand, it may be that I don't understand this verse either. I assumed it had to do with Paul's prison time, but it seems otherwise. I'm not exactly clear on the otherwise, and I may not even really get which afflictions of Christ are being filled up. So, perhaps, in this cloud of obscurity and confusion, I should just back away, and try this again in October…

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, September 30

God Calling, Collect?

I get real skeptical and perhaps defensive when someone spouts off about what they believe about someone else's call by my Master. So, when Chambers says that when someone can articulate the call he doubts it was truly a call from God, all my defensive antennae go up and my face furrows. How would he know? I have to admit that I do that to a certain degree as well, but I only withhold judgment believing the proof will reveal itself over time. But I know enough of my Master to know that His work in others is beyond my understanding. I have seen too many unexpected things in and through others to hedge in what His work or call will look like.

Probably because I think I got my call wrong, I doubt anyone's ability to say for sure what someone else's call might be. And, conversely, I also doubt what others might say my calling is. I have heard that used to try and manipulate me to do something that was from them rather than from my Master. "I believe you're called to (insert whatever ministry they are having trouble recruiting for) and should obey God." On the other hand, there are a few that know me well, and I trust their wisdom. So if they were to say or suggest some direction my Master may be leading me, I tend to listen and test that more carefully.

But on the calling to preach, there is a lot of emotion in this area for me. I have changed a lot from what I used to be, and I now consciously scale back what I say. I am more skittish to stand out than I used to be. I used to, and could probably still, just preach something at the drop of a hat. I could probably preach for a long time on simple topics. But I am so disenchanted with my own abilities and scared of the damage my old attitudes caused that I don't.

I don't sense anything resembling a call to vocational ministry. In fact, I believe that any answers to some interview I might have with a perspective searching committee would disqualify fairly quickly. I am no longer driven to drive a thriving congregation to take over the community. I am not up to that fight anymore. It smacks too much of me and my ability rather than my Master and His purpose. I have never been a type-A personality anyway, but my tendency toward depression and my stubborn beliefs about Scripture and my Master don't ingratiate me to churches. Even if they are not looking for a type-A, I strongly resist control and manipulation by others either confrontationally or passive aggressively. I doubt that's all that healthy.

Now, I have added to my several disqualifying characteristics the desire to move only as fast as my Master reveals the road ahead. And I am happy to wait on Him for a very long time. That trait will truly drive a church up the wall. It sounds good, but is so determined by my ability to see my Master's leading, that getting people to follow such a schedule will be very difficult. They would need to both agree to the process and be looking for His leading as well. Churches are made up of people who do not seek the Master of the Universe, but more often pursue either a god of their own making, or someone to engage the true Master on their behalf. I have little patience with either, partly because such people rob me. I need the perspective of others to better understand my Master. If they are looking at some other god, or looking at some priest instead of Him, I am robbed of their vision and perspective of God.

So with my low opinion of church people and my skepticism of the opinions of others, I think it's pretty clear my Master is not calling me to vocational ministry. But I do sense a clear calling to be a part of church. I can't sit and just criticize; griping and sniping in festering resentment. I know that people are not so much evil as just scared or ignorant. I am too, so I get that. By engaging in church, I hope that, together with others, I will seek and find my Master, and His purpose and direction more clearly. I know I join a bunch of imperfect people to do so, I just hope they don't mind one more festering example of imperfection in their midst. I'll try to mind them either. And I promise to work on my anger issues.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, September 29

What Do I Give Up To Follow my Master?

In Mark 10:21 is the encounter with the "Rich Young Ruler" recorded with the statement that Jesus loved him. On some level it goes without saying. But on another, it sets up what Jesus says to him in a very different way than the other gospel accounts. When that statement is included in Jesus telling the man to sell everything, give it to the poor, and come follow Him, the meaning has a strong implication that Jesus is not trying to deter the man, but is really pulling for him. Jesus wants him to succeed, and knows this is the way to do it.

It's also ironic in this account that Jesus knows other wealthy people who he doesn't require this of. His buddy Lazarus seems pretty well off. Zacheus may not have needed it. And the disciple Levi/Matthew seems to have done it without asking, but that is not a given. All Scripture says is that he left his toll booth and threw a party for Jesus. Jesus doesn't require the same thing from everyone in order to make them a better disciple. That makes following leaders here on earth more difficult. I can't just do what they do, just like a reader of this blog can't start doing the same thing, making daily entries, and necessarily grow closer to my Master. Instead it is in what my Master leads me into that I grow.

It is clear to me that my Master led me to do this blog. It is also clear to me that He has continued to enable me to keep doing it. He has blessed me richly as I have, and I believe I am more open to Him as I make these entries. I do need to be reminded by Him occasionally what this is for, and again, begin confessing in my entries. This discipline is supposed to keep me current on confession, my list of resentments empty, and reveal areas where my Master is working on my character. I use the entries of MUFHH as a catalyst, but often deviate from the entry or skip it all together when I have other things I need to put into the blog.

This process has helped, but has it been my "Go of Unconditional Identification" Chambers refers to? I don't think so. Something like that may need to happen in my life. I have confessed before that I have "stuff" in my home that I really like and toy with on occasion. I had someone say that they needed a computer, and I happen to have an extra one. So, I can already see where my Master is testing my willingness to let go of my toys. This particular one has my favorite computer case. It's a dream to work on, so letting it go means letting go of a desire to fix it up and make it better, faster, whatever; to tinker with it like guys around here fix up cars.

I believe it is good for me to give it up. I don't have a use for it as it is. But I still don't think this is some sort of watershed test like giving up everything to follow my Master. That time either has already come, I'm in the midst of it, or is coming soon. I'm not sure which, and I'm not sure what it would entail if/when it does come/is/was here (ok, now I'm confused). But I have no doubt that my Master loves me; that He is pulling for me to succeed, but that He defines success very differently from my job, my community, and my culture. It's kind of scary, but only kind of. I trust in the love of my Master and His definition of success. Besides, heaven is way cooler than anything I have now anyway.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, September 28

Ministry Calls and Volunteers: What I Learn About Jesus From Them

These passages Chambers uses for his entry used to confuse, then frighten me (Luke 9:57-62). But the one in the middle provides hope. There are three candidates for ministry, two of whom chose Jesus, and one Jesus chose. The first one mentions no reservations, but Jesus points out that He has no "home". I can't quite figure out why. I looked at the words used, and I don't get the connection. Luke may just be illustrating a point that Jesus had no home and following Him was a testimony of perseverance on the part of the Twelve.

The second one is called by Jesus to follow Him. He says he needs to "bury his father" which sounds reasonable, considering Jesus is traveling between spots, so this person must be as well. So, in transit to bury his father, Jesus calls him to follow. He agrees, but wants to finish his "quest" first. Rather than stop here though, Jesus tells him to let others bury his father and instead go and proclaim the Kingdom of God. How, if he only met Jesus on the road, would he know enough to proclaim the Kingdom apart from Jesus' company? This must have been an extraordinary person. The only other time Jesus gave that command was to the former victim of the legion of demons.

The third claims he will follow once he says goodbye to his household. He's traveling, and he didn't already do that? Perhaps he should go back and use the bathroom too. Jesus' response is perhaps the harshest of the three. Looking back after beginning to plow (or serve/follow in this case) is not fit for the Kingdom of God; the very Kingdom the other protestor was told to proclaim. This guy wasn't fit to be in the Kingdom, not just unfit to proclaim it, if he went back home.

It seems to me that choosing Jesus is a dangerous proposition. He responds to those who choose Him, but He's not nice about it. He is more persistent with those He chooses. He plays favorites, and is selective. We do that in America, but we don't like it done to us or others. Only when we do it is it acceptable, but we still feel bad for it at some level. The statement in our declaration of independence that all men are created equal forms cultural bedrock we are rarely conscious of. The reality is that we are not created equal, and that saddens me, and scares me.

The belief that some people are created to populate hell is an odd thing to consider. And yet it's true. I don't know who they are, so I need to make the Kingdom and myself available to everyone. But some are created for hell. Some are created to serve, and some are not fit for service. Some fit for service don't want to go, but my Master compels them anyway. It seems such a strange way to deal with this world, and I wonder where I fit into it. I have educated myself for ten years believing I was to minister vocationally. I was wrong. So where do I fit if not in vocational ministry? (and yes, I'm sure I'm not fit for vocational ministry, and no, you don't need to answer that) That is a question I will most likely not be able to answer this morning. Perhaps tomorrow.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, September 27

Reconciliation as a Disruptive Practice

There is a set of steps among the twelve that I understand better than the others. Steps 8 and 9 are considered some of the most difficult, and two of the most important. They are said to clear away the wreckage of my past. My dad taught me to own my mistakes. He taught me that owning them and accepting the consequences is the best way to live with the consequences, restarting relationships. I'm not sure how he knew that, who taught him, or why he had made the connection, but Jesus taught such things in the Sermon on the Mount.

In that discourse in Matthew 5 through 7, Jesus says that even at the point of offering on the altar (which is a very public aspect of worship), if I remember that someone has something against me, I am to stop worship right there, leaving the gift ungiven, go and reconcile then return and complete the act of worship. Can you imagine a modern worship service where the offering plate is passed, and someone leaves the envelope on the chair leaves the building and drives off? That would be an odd event, yet it should mark my life as a servant to my Master.

The pastor yesterday spoke of promises Paul listed to the churches in Galatia. One of those was my adoption as a fellow heir with my Master. Also in that passage is a statement that, until the heir inherits, there's not much difference between the heir and the slave. Being adopted doesn't diminish my role as servant to my King in the slightest. Being a fellow heir with my Master does not make Him any less my Master. So these characteristics of shameless reconciliation, humiliating acceptance of ill treatment (going the extra mile, whoever heard of such a thing?), and rejoicing when persecuted for my faith are also characteristics of an adopted child of and fellow heir with my Master.

The challenge and an area of strength for me, is keeping my list of people who have something against me short. I would like to say empty, but I have family, and sometimes... But I think that they don't currently occupy my list, I can't remember any at the moment. The day is young, give it time. I suppose I need to wait until worship? I don't think so, that was just the most unbelievable time Jesus' audience could think of to practice such a thing. My list can be brought to my attention any time, including at work and on the phone.

I also have to consider my desire for people-pleasing as I consider this. Not every resentment toward me is a sin of mine. But is it sin leaving a division not of my making without reconciliation? My pride says "no", my co-dependency says "yes", but what does my Master say? I believe that Paul's statement that I am to live at peace with all men, as much as it depends on me would answer that it is my responsibility to attempt reconciliation. So, not out of co-dependency, but out of submission to my Master, I am to leave, even public worship, to attempt reconciliation with a fellow believer.

My pride still rebels, but it is supposed to be dead anyway so who cares. It is my Master who matters and Him only. He is the Maker and Sustainer of the heavens, the earth, from sub-atomic particles to super clusters of galaxies. Knowing Jesus as my Savior, Him crucified and raised from the dead is the basis for all other knowledge. It could be argued very well that such knowledge is all that need be known. Knowing that makes reconciliation seem rational and natural. Knowing that means interrupting worship is the very thing that makes worship possible. It is the first element to a very different life made up of other strange elements. It becomes the basis of a holy life of peace and joy.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, September 26

What Do I Do With All These Resentments?

I am an American, and as such, I have never known anything but life without a king or political tyrant. I was raised with the silver spoon of freedom always in my mouth. I have not had to fight for it, or sacrifice what is dear to me. But my parents instilled in me a sense of what authority means. I learned to fear it respectfully and to shudder at the possibility of resisting it. But I also learned that my interior life is my own, and I am free to resent that authority as much as I wanted. I am adept at passive-agression.

I am a champion "resenter". I can hold the most subtle grudges, not even noticing myself. I resent what I believe to be unfair, most decisions by others that I don't understand but have to live with, and those I do understand but disagree with. Where I work this means I spend a lot of time resenting. I discovered I resent in my family as well. I discovered that I want my wife to be here and take care of me and resented that she wasn't. That added another element to my resentment criteria. I resent anything I don't like. I feel like I'm getting shallower with each paragraph.

The point Chambers makes is that the disciple accepts the injustices suffered without resentment. I resent stuff that I don't like, forget unjust stuff. And then he says that I can't have as my purpose to be a disciple. Disciples are made supernaturally by my Master. He has to choose me and then make me His disciple. Great, now I need patience too. Let me just throw that brick on the resentment pile along with the others. And then Chambers says that my Master will not use me where my talents lie, but where His grace within me abounds. So, He's going to use me at the point of my addiction? There's another brick for the pile.

The practice I have discovered as a means to get rid of those heavy bricks of resentment is confession. So, what I do in this entry actually throws them out, not onto my back or into the deep recesses of my mind. It brings these ridiculous attitudes that affect so much of my thinking into the light where die. Like molds and fungus, they die in direct Son light. I learned very slowly how many resentments I have already, and how fast I gain them. They are the effects of my residual rights to myself and my obstinate hold on them.

The right to myself means that I am my own master. In this country, the whole culture teaches this. Very close on the heels of this lesson is the lesson of entitlement. I have avoided that one to some degree, but not entirely. I need to unlearn that I have a right to myself. I don't. I have a responsibility to my Master. He has all the rights to me; rights to all the gain that comes from my abilities, rights to the fruits of my labor, rights to all that grows from my creativity, and all the rest: time, body, thoughts, and so on. Instead, I horde those things to myself.

I don't know if I'm alone in that, and it doesn't matter. Even if I crawl out by myself alone, I have to crawl to my Master. The pit of self-absorption may be crowded, but that doesn't make it more right nor does it make it more comfortable. I suspect that I will find a lot of people at the foot of my Master too. Only there we're not crowded in like sheep pens, it's like pasture land. Freedom, according to the Scriptures, is found in my Master only.

It's one of the ironies of humanity that the freedom we seek is really found in servitude to our Maker. In some way it is like the freedom experienced by a drill that stops being used as a hammer and is finally used for its designed purpose. It lasts longer too (guess how I know that?). It is so hard to reframe my life this way. The framework I give up runs deep in me and my culture. But the benefits of being free from resentments are enormous. To not be resentful when my Master leads me through the garden of pain and loss means a level and degree of peace I can't imagine; serenity gone wild.

So, today, I will crawl a bit further out of the self-absorption pit. It will be somewhat easier today since today is a worship day. Yet even now I sense the desire to be a "someone" in this church. I know that is wrong. I must desire my Master instead. The only way I can follow Him with this local body of believers is to desire only Him, not the acknowledgement of my fellow believers. If I do gain attention, I must then bow to my Master and point those looking at me toward Him. Attention I gain is an opportunity to point to my Master and brag about Him. The measure of growth is how often I do, and when I do, how often I have to think carefully about extracting myself out of what I say. One day it will be my natural response. That will be nice, and peaceful…and very strange too. I can't wait!

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, September 25

Rooting Out Rights I Never Really Owned Anyway

Today's entry gets at something that is really critical for me right now. Chambers uses Matthew 5:23 and 24, verses key to the Celebrate Recovery program, to point out that I need the willingness to go take care of whatever my Master reveals to me. The verses present a setting where the believer comes to the altar with a gift for the Master. The way it is worded is that the believer would there "be reminded" that a brother has something against them. That is not how I see it translated in modern versions. It is important to me because it brings in the work of my Master reminding me.

That is a typical way this happens for me. And Chambers points out that it is not always the big dramatic sacrifices we want to demonstrate, but often the little embarrassing things. This has characterized my more confessional entries lately. But in this entry, Chambers says that the purpose to these "little thing" is to get to the larger key problem in the background, my rights to myself. He could not be more right. That is probably the perfect description of my core problem. It is why I "permit" sinful thoughts rather than take them captive to my Master. It is why I react in fear, want to protect myself, and so on.

There is freedom promised in relinquishing my rights to myself to my Master. One of them is enjoying reality. When I think of it, the Master of the stars and quarks is already Master of my world and life. To relinquish my right to myself is really to accept things as they really are. That is most likely why it is so difficult for adults to confess Jesus as Lord, they are so used to being their own "lord". But the reality for them is the same as for me. The Master of the universe is already their Master. The question is whether they accept it or not.

And the question continues on in me, 38 years after having confessed Jesus as Lord. You'd think I'd have it down by now, have already relinquished all the areas of my life, and be totally surrendered and available to my Master. Sorry, I'm just not that wise, and still have way too much denial active in my soul. I might be getting there, but it seems like I still have so far to go, so much to learn, and a lot to make amends for. I have a lot to be thankful for, but I offer those thanks with the understanding that I have them because of grace, not effort on my part.

It's time for me to go spelunking in the recesses of my mind; lighted helmet strapped on, following my guide, searching for those ugly things I stored back here, which pollute the streams of my thoughts. It's quite a cleanup job. It's taken me a long time to get them back there. It will likely take a while to clean them up, so I better get my gloves and boots on.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, September 24

My Inner “Couch Potato’s” Death By Neglect

I do a lot of stuff in any given work day. I have quotas set by my company, and they break down by month, quarter, and year. But I found that the only way I can aim at success is to aim at something other than these quotas. The quotas cause me no end of stress, and wind up bankrupting my ability to perform. Instead, I have found that aiming at my Master works a lot better for me. The Christian Scriptures and Hebrew Scriptures agree, I am supposed to work hard for those in authority over me. That takes care of the work ethic at work, or it should.

The downside of aiming at my Master, or aiming at submitting to Him at work, is that work is one of those environments so conducive to my people-pleasing problem. The struggle for me is to avoid focus on the expectations of my manager and focus on the expectations of my Master. The one brings peace and the other distress. This past year has been a long series of lessons on this paradigm shift. I'm not there entirely, and when I am lonely (like when my wife scrambles to be with her ailing aunt for however long) is when I wrestle the most with lapsing back into the old paradigm. It's not her fault, I figured out yesterday why I do that.

I am a lazy male chauvinist. I didn't think so, and have tried to not be such a husband, but I discovered that about myself yesterday. At some deep core level, I am resentful that my wife leaves to take care of others (work, family, whatever) and isn't here to take care of me. Yep, it's that ridiculous. When that popped into focus yesterday I about fell out of my chair (which at that time was one of those exercise balls, and so much more likely to dump me on the floor). I couldn't believe it, but I went back over my inventory of feelings, traced them back to reasoning threads, traced those back to goals and expectations, and found a fool.

So deep down inside is this foolish lazy bones who wants to be served. That guy has to die. So, I need a spiritual discipline to kill him, and make myself more available to my Master. I think for the next few days I have a plan of action. I have been trying to get to a nursery to get fertilizer to start two patches of grass. The place locked up almost 40 minutes early yesterday so I couldn't get it. Ok, I need to get the grass seed at Lowes anyway, I am going to get the bags of fertilizer there too, and get this thing done. I need edging and tent pegs too. Then I need to get off my lazy bottom and get it done.

That's one project. I need to find others. I want to work this lazy self-indulgent pig within to death. Did you catch that? "I want…" Yep, I have inadvertently found a replacement for focus on my Master. Being ashamed of such an element to my character is good, and wanting to change is also good. But nothing should distract me from following my Master. The problem was not that my "inner couch potato" exists, but that he has influence over me. Instead, I need to switch back to my Master's influence, and while yard work will help, it's not what I do to accomplish inner purity, but what my Master does. I'm along for the ride.

So what happens may look the same, but the process within and without will be different. I will honor my Master and my wife by following the obvious course of action to work on this project. It is my Master's will clearly stated in Scripture that I have dominion over His creation. This is a charge from the beginning in Genesis, and it includes being responsible for that "patch of land" my Master has provided. It is mine to manage on His behalf. So, hauling poop and scattering seed are things I do as part of my calling from my Master. I do them as His steward, not as "lord of the manor". I need a reframe this day. "Will work for Jesus…"

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, September 23

I Call Him Master, And So I Should…

I refer to Jesus as my Master for a variety of reasons. In MUFHH this morning, Chambers writes about why I have a Master but am not "mastered". One of the interesting things about the verse Chambers uses (John 13:13) is that the word translated by the King James Version as "Master", is a word used for a "teacher" more than a slave master or some other form of overlord. It is related to the Greek word from which we get didactic, which pertains to the art and science of teaching.

This is a great way to explain the mastery of my Master. One of the main reasons I use that term is because it has a lot more meaning in our culture than king or lord. Those are more medieval feudalistic terms that have little or no real connection to our culture. The term master on the other hand, will usually bring up something more intimate than "boss", more hands on than leader, and yet more powerful than "coach". It is somewhat related to "sensei" perhaps, but even that has a very limited expression, and Jesus suffers no such limitations.

One feature gained using the term Master for Jesus is that there is an element of creative skill and ability inherent in it. Another is the overarching position of authority that has the potential to reach past a context into personal life. Those two elements are necessary to describe my relationship with Jesus. Jesus is my Messiah, the One marked by anointing to deliver, reconcile, atone for, and lead me. Messiah is a Hebrew term, Christ is a Greek term, both mean to have oil poured over ones head as a sign of selection for a special purpose, and no one does that these days. But we still understand the concept of Master with a range of meaning.

Because of the social history of slavery, the term Master may have a negative sense to it, but even that I believe is helpful to me toward understanding my relationship. I believe everyone is a slave to something, but with the work of my Master complete, I also believe everyone has a choice of master. I can be a slave to my passions, desires, and lusts; most people only have this option, whatever the object of those lusts may be. But, in Jesus, I can choose Him as my Master. In choosing Him as Master and believing in His resurrection, I enter into a relationship with Jesus as my Master.

In this role, Jesus is my Teacher, my Friend, my Leader, but also my Brother in a strange element of adoption transcending the other elements of "Messiah". And these terms also explain the point Chambers makes that Jesus does not force me into submission, I am not "mastered" as he puts it, and he's right. Jesus does not break boundaries with me, but permits my willful submission or rebellion to Him. On the other hand He does not let me wander from Him, but uses consequences and my personal limitations to hedge me in close to Himself. He is Master regardless of what I call Him or whether or not I submit to His mastery.

It is truly a beautiful element of my existence to have Jesus as my Master. I seem to focus less on it, but it seems to affect me more. Not that I am very far from my passions, desires, and lusts; but even as close they are, my Master is closer. The wonder is that, with the mastery He has over just the small portion of the universe I observe, He still knows me and chooses to have a relationship with me. And that choice ranges far beyond me, into the lives of my fellow church members, my friends back in Texas, California, Idaho, and other parts of the world, and my family; and those are just the ones I know. How does He have the time?

There are no limits to His mastery, and only His self-restraint limits His actions and creativity. He is Master even over Himself. I love that, and I am alive because of that. I would have killed me in frustration long ago, and probably you too (clearly, I'm capricious and thankfully not divine). I obviously have trouble curbing my own selfish desires and lusts. He does not. It is difficult for me to imagine, but I have to use my imagination to go there. I leave other mundane frames of reference behind as I search for descriptors for my Master's mastery.

Nothing compares to my Master. I am astonished that I can choose anything over Him, and yet I struggle with that choice daily. What have my passions, desires, and lusts ever provided me that was not destructive, shameful, and embarrassing? Seriously, what is the lure? Why is it so difficult to just remain in submission to my Master, Jesus? I don't know the answer to that just yet, but I do know the solution. He Who has such mastery over Himself, lends that quality to me through the presence of His Spirit. The fruit of His Spirit include self-control. He saves me even from myself. How can I keep from worshipping Him?

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, September 22

The Interests of the Whole World Flowing Through My Heart

It is one thing to say that I was created to glorify my Master. It is a much more expansive thing to say that the way He glorifies Himself through me is by using me to love the whole world. Loving the whole world is not something I do well. I get focused on myself much easier than on the whole world. Chambers seems to be quoting someone when he says that my Master will "'force through the channels of a single heart' the interests of the whole world." I don't know if my cholesterol level will handle that much through the channels of my heart. I have trouble with the interests of my family and community.

Keeping my soul open to the creativity of my Master is not something I do well. I do it poorly. I often make my own intentions the direction of my day. I languish in the tepid pools of my own desires, trying in vain to salve my self-pity. At what point do I stop saying it's not about me, and start living that way? Oh, don't get me wrong, it may look like I am interested in others, but more often than not I am forcing that through my soul rather than centering my soul on those needs of others. When it looks as if I am community or other focused, it is often a spiritual discipline that has taken me from what I want to do.

The harbored hope is that I will eventually really have the interests of others at heart. I'm pretty confident that my Master is trying to mold me that way during those lucid times I submit to His work in my life. I know that I am to be conformed more and more into the image of my Master; the image He created me to have in the first place. But I still cling to the "old man" (ironically that was supposed to have died when I was 7; my "old man" is a child!). I still wear the ragged spiritual cloak of the beggar rather than the spiritual robes of a priest. As a priest I am to form that connection in my person between my Master and my Master's wayward creation.

I wish I had an excuse, something that explained why it is perfectly fine for me to not have the interests of the world channeled through my heart. I don't. I had an encounter with a homeless guy last week at a car wash, and that's the closest I have come to forming that priestly connection in a very long time. Understand that part of the reason I am being so hard on myself is that I have had a sharp reminder of my frailty. I have been wandering closer and closer to that line of behavior that descends into my personal sinful hell, and yesterday, right after my blog entry, jumped in. It took seconds, lasted for seconds, and rattled me to my core.

I know that any sense of having achieved some level of spiritual maturity is tenuous at best. I know that my Master accepts me anyway, that I don't have to atone for a slip, that my Master has already atoned for it (that hurts like I cannot describe), and that His love for me never wavers. But the scream my soul makes to atone for my own sin is the defiant scream of the independent rebellious creature that wants to save itself. The scream emanates from the fear that I may die to self, the old man perish, and I be consumed by the passions and interests of my Master. That terrifies me, but it is not about me and I want it to be.

So, I can relinquish more to Him. Chambers says that my Master will crush my intentions aside in order to purify my focus on His intensions. So, what spiritual discipline will I put in place that will make these intentions of mine less, and me more available to His? Perhaps I should limit my indulgences to only those that intersect the recreation of others? That might do it. I suppose reading can form the only thing I do by myself for fun. That might work. I'll have to let you know.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, September 21

Perfection Gained?

One of the reasons I made a point of learning Greek was because there were issues in the Christian Scriptures I wanted to solve for myself. It was a high and lofty, and foolish, reason. Why I thought I would solve what others could not I'm not sure. I at least gained some insight into why they were arguing. I also learned that they were equally baffled by what my Master had chosen to leave vague. So, what I did learn is to leave well-enough alone, and take the Scriptures as He has revealed them, not as I would have them.

One of the things I learned in passing was that there was more than one Greek word normally translated "perfect". One is pretty far or actually deeper than my normal understanding of "perfection". My brother was in a band that used it as their name, "Telos." In the philosophy of science, it's where they get the term "teleological", referring to something proven as it runs its course or at the end of something. The way it gets there is through the idea it has in Greek of being "complete". Something has come to its complete end; it's finished, but it also has all of its pieces and parts; missing nothing. This is a very common word translated as "perfect".

In Matthew 5, Jesus raises the bar on His listeners by telling them that their righteousness must exceed that of the Pharisees. Because that was not enough to dismay them, He then says, "Therefore you will be 'perfect', just as your Father in Heaven is perfect." That, even for a moderately good Jewish person, was too much to process; that went in sideways and stuck in all kinds of wrong ways. That was impossible. Yet that was the charge or challenge from Jesus. But understanding 'perfect' from the Greek word changes somewhat how I understand His challenge, or perhaps it's a statement of future fact.

I can't go back and correct, clean up, or erase the effects of all the dumb wrong things I've done. That makes this challenge really silly. But, going through the process of being sanctified by my Master's Spirit, I fully expect to 'complete' one day, missing nothing I'm supposed to have. Once again my panic is swallowed by the realization that it's not about me. I'm just the object, not the subject of this here exercise; and therefore it's not an exercise in futility. If I see the "beatitudes" as the cornerstones of the rest of Matthew 5, then how this perfection comes about starts to become clear.

When I embrace my poverty before my Master, when I mourn over my rebellion against Him, when I stop trying to take over the world, when my ultimate appetite is for right relating to my Master, when I learn I am free to be merciful to others, when am singular in my pursuit of my Master, when strive to pass on my Master's peace to others around me, and when I am happy to take the hit for my Master; then the other stuff, including being complete missing nothing becomes a natural consequence. It just happens in the normal course of being "blessed".

When all those "attitudes" are mine, I'll show you what I mean, but don't hold your breath for it. Right now, I'm just getting started on hungering and thirsting for that great connection to my Master. I have a long way to go before I learn mercy, feel comfortable wandering into conflict to make peace, and being gentle in my demeanor. Someone tries to attack me or one of my family or friends; I'm not likely to adopt gentleness or peacemaking as a method. I once took on a board of elders at a church which where one was trying to take out the pastor. I told them they were a bunch of "Jim Jones" leading the church toward cool-aid and cyanide. That was me being "gentle and merciful".

I still have a long way to go. I still have a lot to learn, and unlearn. But I sense that I am finally learning whereas before I felt as if I was stuck in detention. I'm making progress, and that is a nice feeling to have. The blessings of my Master are still available, some out there, some right here with me. But I now know that they are the natural effect of the focus inherent in the beatitudes. So, today I will seek to be more merciful to my customers and my family. I will seek to make peace with angry customers and cranky family (and try not to be cranky myself). I will seek that singular focus on being rightly related to my Master; completely.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, September 20

The Constant Temptations of Christ (in me)

This is an entry that has me somewhat confused. My confusion stems from the use of a word in the New Testament which has always confused me. The normal word for temptation is the same for test. One comes from the enemy (temptation), and the other comes from my Master (test/trial). But in Greek, these are the same word with the specific meaning being supplied by context. In Luke 22:10, the context could support either one, and the KJV opts for "temptation" while more modern versions opt for "trial". Chambers runs with the "temptation" idea, and asks a question I'm not sure I know how to answer.

"It is true that Jesus Christ is with us in our temptations, but are we going with Him in His temptations?" What exactly are "His temptations"? He speaks of the temptation being directed at the nature of my Master in me, but unfortunately that doesn't help me much; although I'm pretty sure that's the key to understanding his point. How can the Spirit of my Master within me be tempted apart from me? I'm pretty sure that the "nature" Chambers refers to is the Spirit of my Master in me. But what temptations are being referred to, and how is there an option to leave off following my Master through them?

I suppose, going back to Chambers' definition of temptation might be helpful, wherein he says that temptation is a test of the possessions of a personality by a power not their own. I was going to say "external power," but most of my temptations are internal battle fronts. So, in the midst of the ministry of my Master on earth, He was faced with decisions or opportunities where what He possessed was tested by a power that was not Him. As I read through the accounts of His life in the four Gospels, I have to look for times when He had a choice regarding His possessions? I can only assume we're not talking about stuff in his pockets.

The "possession" I believe Chambers has in mind is the work of the cross and the grave; he says the path leads through Gethsemane. So, when was my Master given an opportunity to give that up? Well, I believe the time when He fed five thousand was an opportunity to create a kingdom on earth. And he offends the crowd instead (John 6). I believe confrontations with religious leaders also fit into this category. But Jesus makes the statement about the Twelve being with Him through His "temptations" at the table of the Last Supper. Even as He says He has prayed for Peter, as He reveals one will betray Him, as He has broken the bread and shared the wine; He says these at the table with Him have hung with Him in His temptations.

There were probably numerous times in His ministry when He could have opted for the easy quick way which would have left me and everyone else in our sins. So when does that happen to Him within me now where I have the option of not following Him through it? That's what I'm struggling to grapple with. Perhaps it's when I'm confronted with the guy I see dumpster-diving who wants change but is embarrassed to ask. I give him some and he wants to hug me, and apologize for the smell of beer on his breath. Was that an opportunity to either side with my Master as He saves the world or with the world which hates this man?

Was that too easy? Perhaps another option might be when I'm confronted with the rude customer who has called into my office, and yet takes their anger out on me for their inability to manage their learning requirements. Do I endure their insults and attitude because I want their money? Or do I seek for the healing words my Master has for the pain engulfing them? The world would have me return insult for insult (after I have their money of course), or talk about them behind their back after I hang up. Maybe those are also times where the temptation is really directed at my Master in me, not so much me.

It is a perspective that could reframe my ideas of temptations, and troubling people I encounter. It will take some thought. I sense a new area of submission coming up; great, just what I need…I mean want, just what I want. I do need it, and really, I do want it. It is my desire to be more conformed to the image of my Master. I still resist it sometimes, but I know I want it. I want it because that is the path to a closer connection to Him, and nothing excites me more than that; to touch the face of my Master. I tremble just writing that. "Just a closer walk with Thee, Grant it Jesus is my plea. Daily walking close to Thee, Let it be, Lord, Let it be."

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, September 19

Tempted to Replace my Master

Again with temptation? Chambers unpacks a bit more of what he means by differing temptations on differing planes of existence. It's after I confess Jesus as my Master and have received the belief in my heart that He is raised from the dead that I begin tempting of a different sort. As Chambers puts it, it is temptation to do the good thing my Master does not tell me to do instead of the perfect thing He does. It is a temptation over who is in control or Master of my life. I believe that pretty well sums up my temptations. But Chambers goes on to define temptation.

"Temptation means the test by an alien power of the possessions held by a personality." I don't want to spend a lot of time on that definition, partly because I'm not sure I get it. The idea that I am tempted at the point of my usefulness to my Master is sufficient. Yesterday, on the way to the breakfast I spoke at, I heard this song on the radio I really like. It talked about the value my Master places on me, and was very encouraging. The temptation was to switch my talk from what I learned about my Master to how valuable I am to Him. It would then have become about me, and that was dangerous. I didn't give in though.

I spoke yesterday, much as I put in my blog, about learning the faithfulness of my Master and how He showed me that. It was brief, and for those of you who have heard me speak before, you know that is a miracle in and of itself. The time was on point, touched the three ways I learned that my Master is faithful, and, as usual, struggled to wind it up. I thought of a verse I almost forgot to mention, and sort of threw in at the end, Romans 10:9, where salvation is made up of a confession that Jesus is Lord, and the belief that He is raised from the dead. The "Master" part is what I confessed, and am still learning.

The mastery of Jesus in my life continues to be the point where I am tempted. It is where my addiction lived and thrived. Submission and devotion to my Master is where my weakness has been all along. It has been where my people-pleasing and attempt to work to become acceptable have taken me away from the things my Master had for me. I know that in some sense it was my own twisted thinking about my Master that enabled the temptations, but I believe it was also my enemy. My accuser, my enemy knows where my weaknesses lie, and will never rest his attacks on them.

It probably confounds and confuses my enemy that anyone would resist the temptation he fell to. Why wouldn't anyone want to be God, take His power, and exercise His position? Doesn't everyone want to be their own master? Doesn't everyone believe they could rule their own world better than the One who actually does? Can't everyone do a better job, have fewer casualties, have more happiness, and make more beauty and less ugliness? Why would anyone resist such a temptation to take the world into their own hands? Everyone should want to replace God with something. I did for a while.

So, I have a nature that works against me, and I have an enemy who works against me. It would seem hopeless if it wasn't for the deposit given to me against a day I stand before my Master face to face. Jesus has sent His Spirit to live within me, and so the odds are actually tipped the other way. Hopelessness becomes confidence when my Master's Spirit is compared to my enemy and nature. He works to destroy my nature, to conform me more and more into the image I was intended to have, and intercedes for me, interpreting my needs before my Master. He forms the connection I need between my human frailty and the Master of the Universe.

So I win; but only as a member of the family of my Master. I conquer as a soldier in His army. I succeed, in as much as I submit to my Master in all I do. But it is a strange reality that I win, conquer, and succeed in this way. It is as if I am a spectator (I used that idea yesterday in the breakfast talk) rather than a participant. I am more the vehicle than the soldier or even the weapon. I imagine myself as more, I want to be more. I want to be the one doing the work, being the hero, getting the attention, but I'm not. Instead the One forming stars from dust gets the glory and attention. I'm good with that.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, September 18

The Parameters of Teaching and Temptations to Breach Them

I was hoping for something different today. I was hoping that the entry today would provide the food for what I am to say at the men's breakfast today. Instead, it's about what I need to know to face it appropriately. While I don't think Chambers has sufficient Scripture support for some of his claims, I think experience on his part fills in some of the blanks. Temptation is normal, that much Scripture is clear on. What I am tempted with depending on my particular personality traits and spiritual level is not something Scripture is clear on; perhaps I can infer it, but it's not obvious.

My particular bent to want to teach theological concepts is really more like showing off than a spiritual gift. Therein lays my temptation today. When I saw what the entry was about I considered going with that, but I can't; once I accept what the entry means for me. I have the personality trait is to draw attention to myself. My spiritual level doesn't keep this temptation out of my usual bag of enticements; I'm not that mature yet. So this choice of what to share today can be a big deal for me. I have to find the solution to this dilemma somewhere else other than the current entry.

Even the entry from yesterday was not a direction to go in, since it again covers another theological issue. I have a simplified view, but the support for that view can get overwhelming, and the point can get lost in the details. Instead, I need to find the "escape" my Master has left for me. There is an answer to this dilemma, and perhaps the last few days have been my Master defining parameters rather than topics. In talking with my wife last night, I think I hit on the right topic. I believe the right topic is what I have learned these past six to eight months.

The lesson I have learned is that my Master is the Trustworthy Master. I have learned this in a few ways, like learning to wait for the timing of His provision, seeking what He provides rather than what I can manufacture, and that He often waits for my relinquishment of an issue before providing for it. The trick is sharing this lesson from the background rather than the forefront. I want people afterwards to think of my Master and how trustworthy He is rather than whoever said that. The success is like when they can't remember what I look like particularly, or even my name; they remember that God is trustworthy though; transparency gone wild.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, September 17

The Depth and Complexity Involved in Communing with The Almighty: Jump on the Bed and Giggle

I don't have a really complex or thoroughly worked out system or theology of prayer. It's pretty simple. The idea is that I'm supposed to be in a conversation with the Master of the Universe, Maker of stars, Craftsman of quarks, Architect of cellular structures and systems. So elements involved need to flow from that idea. I praise Him (that's really important for me – I need reminding), I ask Him for things (actually involve Him in the issues of my life and relationships), and I listen. That's pretty much it. Whatever I need to do to do that I make up and adjust as I go. The point is the conversation happens with my Master, not with my own mind.

As simple as that may sound, I'm not that good at it. This blog pours out of this conversation, and sometimes these entries have little to do with my Master. So how good was the conversation? Last night, as I was trying to fall asleep, I prayed again. The contents were praise, submission, and intercession; the result was peace; and I slept great. That was a good example. The prayer the night before described in yesterday's blog not so much. Sometimes when I intercede I sense things from my Master, a direction to pray, and I do. I don't always like this because I don't always sense what I want to happen. But I pray that way anyway.

These elements make what I do conversation; conversation with the Master of all. I believe I can speak with kings, princes, presidents, and ministers and be pretty calm about it. After all, how big a deal can they be after spending time with my Master? "I rule the nation of England, how do you do?" "Very well, your grace, I was just talking with the Master of the Universe about you. He is particularly fond of you." No sweat.

The question that I wrestle with when I pray is whether or not, or to what extent, my own imagination is filling in gaps. Those gaps could be important, and I certainly do not need to add voice to my Master's prompting. I have to guard against running imaginings about circumstances, people, or places. These things happen out of my fears, my desires to be accepted by people, and my desire for control over my environment. What I need is the perspective of my Master, the assurance of His attention, and the serenity of His presence in my life and these circumstances. After that, everything else is easy.

I can face people and circumstances just fine if I have the right perspective, the assurance, and the serenity. It often becomes abundantly clear I don't have any of these things. In those times I become keenly aware that I wandered out of the house without getting dressed in my borrowed, ill-fitting armor. I wish that happened less often that it does because I love prayer. Prayer is time when I feel the closest to my Master. Even prayer in a public setting is a great experience for me. Then I sense we are communing with my Master, not just me alone (I have no idea what is really going on in the minds of others, but it feels really cool).

Prayer also keeps me receiving from my Master's hand what He has for me, rather than manufacturing (or trying to manufacture) what I want. I am more apt to move and walk at His pace. I am more likely to wait for His supplies. I have more peace about what I don't see…yet. Submission is a very vital spiritual discipline for me. I have spent so much of my life pretending to be self-reliant and sufficient, and therefore foolish. Praying realigns my heart and mind on my Master's will and purpose. I may not see it yet, but I submit to what I do know and see; at least I do when I pray. Those are the times I am less a fool.

So, today I will specifically practice prayer. I will seek my Master and sit with Him. I will listen for His voice, look where He points, and thank Him for all He does. I will revel in the wonder of Who He is, wallow in the abundance of His love, marveling that He cares, or even knows, about me. I will jump on the bed of rest He provides and giggle like I'm six. When He is near, I will leap into His arms, sit in His lap, and tell Him the silly stories of my day. And I will sit at His feet to listen to His stories of people, His parables and fables, and seek to perceive His meaning behind them. How cool will that be?! I'm giggling already!

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, September 16

Tired Confessions of an Honest Man

There is a lot going on today. Today all business and fiduciary federal extensions for 2010 are due to the IRS. All my customers will be madly completing all the forms because there is no extension after this (it's called something else after this). Today, my wife is in California with her aunt and uncle because her aunt went to the ER yesterday afternoon. So, I am on my own with my daughter for a few days, unexpectedly. This is where most of my problems will lie in the next few days. They are not serious problems, but they are things to be aware of and overcome.

Last night, I was struck by insomnia. It was probably due to loneliness, concern for my wife travelling several hundred miles to her aunts in the dead of night, and dark chocolate covered espresso beans. The beans were in the later midafternoon before she left, but I'm sure they didn't help just the same. Oh, and I forgot my medication, no worries though, I took it an hour after going to bed. The problem with insomnia is that I'm tired, but I just can't sleep. My mind suffers all the lovely effects of being tired, but it won't let go of the day either. In other words, I have a great excuse to be stupid today, and I cannot afford to be stupid.

I struggled last night, as I tried to sleep. I didn't violate any dangerous boundaries, but I still entertained mental pictures and fantasies. I faded in and out of consciousness, but never for long, and never far from waking, until after midnight. I may need a quick nap after this blog entry. The entry from Chambers was right on this issue. I was toying with the idea of saying nothing about the struggle, since it's in line with my addictive behaviors and leads directly that direction. The entry today was about putting out the deceptions, leaning on cunning to make my point. Saturday, I will be making some point. It better not be by hiding something.

The temptation is to not confess, but that is part of what this blog is about. I had prayed right at the beginning and at times throughout my struggle (which is what makes it a struggle). But in my tired state, I did not discipline myself like I should have. When I avoided fantasies, my thoughts went other places not productive. My fear for my wife sprang up. I confessed my powerlessness over her situation, and confessed that she is no less in the hands of my Master traveling than when here at home. I went all over the place and traced my frailties back and forth. I drank water, I walked the house, I entertained evil thoughts, I prayed.

I've had more fun, but honesty demands that I confess this shortcoming. I want to be "current" with my inventory (as 12-steppers put it). I have to be if I am to be available to my Master. He loves me, He has my back, and I am at His service. I can't be the servant without the discipline. I was more disciplined yesterday at work. Now I'm tired and need it again, even more focused and disciplined. I hate discipline, mostly being disciplined, but self-discipline too. The danger is that I convince myself that I can "get away with it" and will escape being disciplined. That will never happen. It's part of my denial.

So, this wandering entry is both confession and agreement with Chambers this morning. I agree with what he says is such a need in my life. I also need a nap. I need to rely on my Master through this day, and into this evening when I try to sleep. I need to discipline myself so that I will not need to be disciplined. I need to give a good account of myself to my Master, before Him, and to others of His glory. I can't do that if I'm giving in to the frailties of my mind and heart. I will submit today. It must be to my Master, not to my sinful nature. Nap time?

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, September 15

When I Wait On My Master I Am Serene

Today's entry in MUFHH is one of those that I'm not sure I understand. The basic premise is that I will understand the directions of my Master after I have obeyed (or in the midst of obeying – that's one of the places I'm not clear). When I try to figure out the command before obeying then I get confused. I guess the decision making context is what I'm missing here. When I truly know what my Master wants, why would I try to reason it out? I don't, not really. I apply my reasoning when I'm not sure, or when I don't hear anything. Those are the times I begin casting the net of my reasoning ability to discern the direction I should go.

Perhaps that is the context that he is assuming, even though it's not stated. In that context, when I bring my imagination under subjection to my Master I will keep from trying to "fill in the blanks" in what I perceive from Him. That is probably a good thing. Another benefit would be that I won't go any further than His revelation. That may frustrate those also depending upon some decision, but it is actually the pace of peace. The third benefit I see is that I would be submitted and dependent upon my Master; self-reliance would have no place in such a decision process.

The part about the reasoning being clear in retrospect is not necessarily true. Some decisions I still don't understand, but I am still convinced they were the right decisions; obedient to my Master, though I don't know why He wanted me to take those actions. I know that there will be people I have affected for His Kingdom who I won't know or know about until heaven. I don't expect to understand everything in retrospect. I am content to understand in heaven, I'll wait. But there are quite a few that I do see only after the obedient actions, or even in the process of obeying.

Coming out here, I obeyed in steps, and those steps were confirmed along the way. Now that I'm here, I don't see everything included in His purpose, but I see enough to obey right now. Today I will work, and I need to focus on my tasks (I didn't do so well at that yesterday). Tomorrow will be much like that. Saturday I will have an opportunity for something out of my ordinary patterns. I will take things as they come, and allow my Master to bring understanding in His time. I tried to make things happen, come up with my own solutions, and direct some of His provision. He chose differently, and my effort only frustrated me.

I have seen that my efforts get me little, while waiting on my Master gains me peace in the midst of the wait. It is tremendously serene to be able to say, "That's not my problem" even when my livelihood, or the livelihood of my family, depends on it. But it is tremendously stressful to get to that point of surrender. I have seen that, if I wait, He will come and act. I have seen that these things I need are not my problem. If my Master calls me to do something, then it is also His responsibility to provide the means to make it happen. I attend a church where I see some of these same perspectives.

I have a little way to go before this perspective becomes so much my own that it defines my paradigm. I still try to make stuff happen, get involved in stuff before I truly see my Master's lead, and direct how the materials and staff will be provided. It is really an exercise in futility. I won't be able to see my Master carry that stuff out while I'm flailing about trying to do it without or before Him. I'm learning though, and I now notice it sooner. I back off and wait, and I trust He will provide. Some I haven't seen yet, so I have to relax into His provision of timing as well. Some I already plan on waiting until next year to see. I'll probably be wrong there too. So, stay tuned.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, September 14

I Surrender Again, and Again, and…

I was told over and over that the problem I had with my addiction was a refusal to surrender to my Master. While that was true in one sense it was not anywhere close in another. I had surrendered so many times I lost count and began to see no sense in it. Surrender must be a transitive verb, never standing on its own. I would declare that I surrender my addiction, but that wasn't the problem, and it would come right back. I would just surrender without naming what I was surrendering, or state I was surrendering my life, but that is too general for me. It never worked.

The day I faced my issue, surrendered my mental health and dependence to my Master, and then began to take steps (and medication) to address my depression; that day I surrendered a major piece of my life. After that I began to surrender more and more. I still struggle to surrender more and more. I have pride issues that need to go. I still face fears that reveal a lack of faith in certain areas. I still want control in things, and that indicates another area to surrender. The battles flare, but the war is won, so far. Now when the feelings of depression return I know them for what they are and face them accordingly.

I didn't imagine so much could come from so little. I blamed my circumstances for so long and yet Scripture after Scripture clearly indicate that my joy should transcend circumstances. I blamed others, and yet the joy given by my Master is given to me; I can only give it away to others. I blamed, rationalized, and basically fought to be complacent in my misery. Once out of it, my circumstances didn't change, or improve necessarily. I worked at the same place for the same structures. I lived in the same house, drove the same car, had the same family problems, and faced the same traffic every day even after the depression passed.

The difference in these circumstances was me. I changed. I saw things differently rather than seeking different things. This made it easier to deal with the job; I began to enjoy it again. The family issues became more reasonable to me and I began to respond differently. In the midst of this, the addiction became unnecessary to deal with my inner pain as the inner pain began to heal. I kept looking for some event of abuse in my past, or some watershed event. They were never there, just a time in my life when I became sad and a sinful way of dealing with it presented itself. But that wasn't enough.

I look at the males in my family, even on my mother's side, and I find that depression seems to be rampant in my family tree. That's not a commentary on society, but a mark of mental health. Sadness is one thing, but chronic frustration and restlessness are not so easily explained by circumstances. Circumstances change, and those feelings remain. I have had a problem that did not stem from my circumstances when young, but my family tree – the sap was sapping my emotional strength, and it ran deep in my family. I needed to admit a weakness I never wanted or expected to have.

So, I surrendered, and yet I continue to surrender. I see battles close on the horizon, coming challenges. I face one this Saturday in fact. Will I slip back into the pattern of self-reliance I used previously, or will I explore undiscovered country of complete abandon for words and direction? There may not appear to be much difference to some, but I will know. As more opportunities come, I will desperately need my Master to guide me through them. Will I surrender my rights, my strengths, and my desires to Him as I navigate any opportunities? Those are the battles I see ahead. These are opportunities for growth.

Chambers points out that after surrender there is just the life of constant communion with my Master. I am not there yet. Perhaps I will be one day. Perhaps one day I won't see these challenges as challenges, but simply as opportunities my Master presents; I will just know which ones He has chosen and which ones are for others. Maybe one day I will be able to simply ignore my personal desires, and take on the desires of my Master instead. Perhaps, maybe, it could happen. I have some way to go yet. But it could happen and I am close enough to taste it. It's not what I expected. No Jedi am I, just some guy with a massive Master.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, September 13

Waiting on My Master

This is one of those three-part entries that I sometimes struggle to get clear. Chambers initially references Matthew 20:22 where James and John ask to sit on His right and left in His Kingdom. But throughout the rest of the entry he references Luke 11 and 18. The point Chambers is making is that sometimes my Master is not clear and I need to wait through the confusion before I understand what or why; or receive what I ask for. Here he stretches the passages to make his point, but I like his point.

In Luke 11:5-8, Jesus tells the story of the friend asking for bread in the middle of the night to feed a surprise guest. Jesus makes the point to ask persistently. Chambers makes the point that sometimes my Master does not appear to be a friend. In Luke 11:11-13, Jesus uses worldly father relationships to explain that my Master will give even better gifts. Chambers uses the description to point out that my Master may seem like an unnatural Father (and that's where he loses me). And in Luke 18:1-8 Jesus tells the story of the unjust judge to again emphasize the need for persistence in prayer. Again, Chambers focuses on what my Master seems like.

Assurance that the character of my Master remains regardless of how I seem to be treated has always been a fairly easy test for me. My family helped tremendously. My natural father was neither the easiest, nor the most loving parent, but I never doubted that he loved me. It was there, sometimes under the surface, but I never had to wonder. My mother was very wrapped up in making ends meet, keeping the house from imploding, my father mollified, and dealing with tremendous family stresses involving us four kids. I sometimes felt a bit lost and adrift. There was a lot going on and I was such a minor part of it. But I knew I was loved.

A set of parents like that, with so much on their plate, can seem distant, or unnatural, or unfriendly. And sometimes I felt they were, sometimes all those things. But there was always the sense that I was loved. Perhaps they wanted me to accomplish more, or wished I were wiser (what parent does not wish that?); but I never felt that I was unloved. I may have doubted how "acceptable" I was, but only in a sense. My mother is very encouraging, but sometimes strains the credibility of her encouragement. Not always, but it was noticeable if not obvious. I wanted the credible encouragement, perhaps that the best way to put it.

So always loved, but not always encouraged the way I wanted? Oh gee, how did I survive? I have met very few people who grew up in a home as safe as mine. As I have grown older, I understand and appreciate that all the more. So, I get it when my Master doesn't do what I want when I want the way I want. I get that. I can easily say, in a sense, "welcome to my world." Where I struggle is in being able to relax into His provision of material and timing. I get impatient waiting for Samuel and want to begin the sacrifice myself (1 Samuel 13). That is a really bad idea. So, I do struggle at this point, just not like Chambers suggests, or not entirely.

My application for today is to let my Master be Master; master of time, material, and opportunity. I will seek to be ready in season and out to obey His voice, take the opportunities He provides, and respond with the assurance He has my back. Fearless service to my Master is my goal for the day. This could be tough (when is it not?). I'll have to let you know what happens later, only this time really let you know instead of writing that and never letting you know. Well, I have to get to it.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, September 12

Training for Crisis in the Daily Grind

I have wondered what the entry for today would be, and if my Master had prepared something so long ago for the national crisis we have today. I have been told that our economy is suffering because of the blow dealt 10 years ago. I find that difficult to believe. But I found the events of that day difficult to believe. I could not comprehend what was happening. I saw it repeated on TV, and I had trouble comprehending it even then, after the fact. I have been to the place, and now have a better feel, but it is still somewhat remote to my sensibilities. Denial seems to run deep in me.

Chambers works over a theme he began in previous entries, that how I act or respond in small events will dictate how I respond in crisis. I need exercise in the in-between times of crises facing mundane events and opportunities. I need to face normal neighborhood people and be an example of my Master's love for them. I'm so not good at that. One of the things that happened in the aftermath of 9-11 was the return to churches and a wide-spread search for faith. It took a jolt like that to wake people up, but, eventually, many went back to the way they had been before. I wonder how much of that was my fault.

There was a focus on those towers for our enemies that made so little sense. If the evil of our society is what they hate so much, why focus the damage at the place where peoples of the world came together for business, not the wickedness they hate? If they claim to hate the homosexuality in our society, why not strike out at that? If they claim to hate the Christians of our society, why not strike out at churches? That they struck out at these towers means that what they hated most was our prosperity. And that is jealousy, not righteous indignation. That exposes these enemies for the shallow pools of humanity that they are.

In the response by emergency teams, they never even suspected that these towers would fall. It never occurred to them since they had withstood the other attacks, the planes had hit so high, and there seemed to be no indication that they were falling. These died trying to save others. Have I responded to the normal life situations and people in such a way that I would make such a sacrifice? Have I practiced in the daily movements of my life to be ready for such a crisis? Do I love others enough to be to them the hands and feet, perhaps ears and mouth, of my Master? I don't think so, not yet.

I keep saying that I don't know my purpose here yet. And I keep saying that as I'm waiting for that indicator that I will walk before my Master. So walk already! It is in this time of waiting that I am training. It is here that my availability to my Master is tested, proved, and tempered for better use later. It is in these normal times that I grow to become ready for a crisis. I don't think I take them that seriously yet. I need to. People I encounter in the normal events of my life are just as dead apart from my Master as those in crisis. He doesn't love them any less, so I should be listening for that push to minister to them. All I want is to get through the line.

Am I a blessing to others? Do I allow the blessings I have been given to flow through me into the lives of others? Am I that spring of living water; that fountain of living water? Do others find me a welcome source of encouragement? I can be. My Master has given me that ability to encourage; sensing where and how it would do the most good and give it. Do I? Not as often as I should. I am out of practice, and there are a lot of people around here to practice on, and who desperately need a good word. I have something else to work on.

It is a corporate worship day, a day of remembrance of the tragedy of 9-11, the second anniversary of the church I attend, and the first worship time in the new sanctuary. It's a lot of emotion to pack into one day. I will probably be spent by 2 pm, but it will be a "good" spent. I pray my Master will use me to bolster the spirits of others as He has bolstered me. My Master, You love me, You have my back, and I am at Your service this day. Pour me out into the lives of those around me, starting with my family first.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, September 11

Bowing of My Spirit, Not Just My Head: Private Worship of Prayer

Spiritual discipline has always been something of a difficulty for me. One book that really helped has been "The Way of A Worshipper", but not for the reason I thought it would be. I bought it because I heard the author at a Promise Keepers Convention speak about his method of studying (or meditating) on Scripture. I really enjoyed it. So I bought the book so I could use it. Well, the book is very short, but it is also made up of a lot more than the Bible study method. That was toward the end. He had a lot to say before that and I needed to read that too.

It turns out that worshipping my Master is not just a corporate spiritual discipline like Richard Foster has it in his book, Celebration of Discipline, but it is also a personal private discipline. I hadn't thought of it that way; at least I never considered it worship. But when I speak to my Master in prayer, those words and the interior they spring from should be aligned in worship of my Master. If they are not, I should not be praying. I knew that on one level, but without that term, I really didn't understand worship. By keeping worship in a building at a certain time with specific people, I had robbed my Master of what I owe Him.

I have just finished (or am on the final pages of) a book that takes place in the early Medieval period as the Roman Catholic Church churns under two popes. The way of the "kings" in that story is interesting. How their attendants and subjects speak to them is interesting. And I see in that story a much better picture of worship in prayer, and why it's so important. The king held the power of life and death, not just over individuals, but over a nation or people. Respect of that sort of power was necessary to influence the king in a person's favor, but there was never a sense of "control" over such power or person of the king.

If I do not come before the Master of the Universe, the Holy One, King of Heaven and Earth with such respect, then who am I talking to? Last night I spent time in personal prayer as I tried to drop off to sleep, and it was sweet precisely because I went before the Most High respecting Him as Most High. I had help and protection because of Who I spoke with, and Who I listened to. I haven't always been there. The process my Master has led me through in coming out here has helped me understand Him much better. I know His power better, and know I can rest in that rather than in myself. That's huge.

I know He has something for me to do out here, but I still don't know more than I did months ago. I am working and love it. I am attending a church and love the people and pastor. I've been helping out in the small ways I can with the finishing of the sanctuary for tomorrow's worship. I still don't know of a ministry that I am to step into. I still don't know of a "purpose" beyond what I already do. So, I have been seeking to remain content in what my Master has already given; which is blessing enough just with that. I am content. But I am also open to more He might have for me.

I have no idea what is to come, but I do know Who does, and I have confidence that He can handle it. Cloudy skies have kept me from my telescope lately. But as things cool off and clear up, I look forward to more opportunities to find perspective in the wider creation of my Master. I want to see again the places He continues to make stars. I want to witness the rings of gas ejected from the dying ones. I want to see again the rings and stripes of massive planets; masses that never quite ignited into stellar bodies, but remained turbulent stormy hydrogen giants. I make a nice coffee and write a blog. See why I worship Him?

When I worship, I am aligned again rightly with the underlying reality of this universe. The infinitesimal piece I experience does not escape His notice, nor His control. So, I worship Him. I declare Him to be Lord and Master. I give witness to the wonders I have seen and declare my faith in the existence of those I have not. I look around and then upward. I seek the truths He reveals in His word, and let them percolate through my spirit. I try and express them here in this blog, but also in my life through the rest of the day. The success in that I believe is growing, but I have set backs. I must submit. I must worship. I must, I must, I must.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, September 10

I Have A Job To Do: Submit

There is something appealing to the American culture to "Do It Yourself". We have a TV network with that as the title. In 12-Step groups the teaching is that we are powerless. And really, we are. So how can Chambers push something of the life with my Master back on to me? The American's reading today's entry (and probably yesterday's as well) starts well, and then crashes shortly into it. What I do myself is submit. My part is to take thoughts (he uses the term "project" from Moffatt's translation) captive to my Master. Chambers' liberally uses "projects" to include anything done for Jesus or the Kingdom.

The word for what is taken captive is one of many Greek words for "thought". This one refers to the result of using the mind and is related to the word, "mind". It is the noun form of the verb to think over a matter carefully. This would be the result of such thinking. It is differentiated from a word used previously in the same verse where the reasoning produces a well ordered argument. This is really more like a plan or a conclusion reached, or even a project, but a well thought out project. That is what is taken captive to my Master. Suddenly Robert Burns often misquoted line, "The best laid schemes o' mice and men Gang aft agley" (I don't know why it would be misquoted…) seems apt here.

Proverbs 3:5-6 also seems appropriate here. In fact much of Scripture supports the idea that my job is submission. That way I can put the Temple "praise band" out front of the warriors and see my Master bring the victory. I can circle a city blowing rams horns and carrying a gold box so the walls fall down. I can wave a stick over waters so they part. I can wave it over a rock and let water flow from it (I just need to be sure I don't strike the rock, which would be bad). By working diligently to submit to my Master, I can do silly things, foolish things, and my Master will make amazing things happen.

The problem I have is that the timing, not just the materials and the project itself belongs to Him. So, when He brings the project, or I take a plan of my own captive to Him, and He gives me marching orders (go to Nevada!), then I need to also trust for the means and the timing. That's hard. I want to "make it happen" once I know what "it" is. Even that belongs to my Master. I truly am along for the ride. Here again I have to say, "It's not about me." Is it ever? No, not really. It was sort of about me on the cross when my Master sacrificed Himself for me, but only as a member of the large group of created beings.

It's not about me. And that's ok. It doesn't have to be. Now I go for a walk in the cool of the dawn, walking dogs with my wife. And that is not about me either. I will sit at my station this morning and work with customers and co-workers, and that is not about me either. I will spend the day given to me by my Master, and it is not about me. It is about Him; His purpose, His plans, and His thoughts. My Master has given me a task, and that task is submission. I am to wait, worship, and walk before Him; even now.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, September 9

Greco-Roman Thought Wrestling: Pinning Pesky Thought Patterns

Somehow, Chambers was reading my mind last night. No, wait, he's no longer living, so he was reading my mind 100 years ago…no, that's not it either. Instead, my Master, knowing the work of His enemy, prepared in advance that I would stumble into this entry when I needed it most. I love it when He does that, but it's also scary in an intimidating way (as He should be). Last night I caved in a mental battle. I tried to resist against my old foe, fantasies, but gave in. The problem is that I permitted myself to entertain unholy thought patterns. And, yes, I permitted it, it wasn't just temptation.

Sure I was tired, but it didn't last all night. I eventually defeated it by reminding myself that I can't permit these things like that. And they stopped, and I dropped off to sleep. But for a while, I entertained them. The entry this morning draws from 2 Corinthians 10:5 where Paul is writing, defending himself against detractors in that church. In this part, he is saying that the weapons of their warfare (and his) are not carnal even though they live lives in their bodies. Rather these weapons are divinely powerful to take down reasoning and lofty high places, and lead thoughts captive to Jesus.

That is what I needed. I needed to take those thoughts captive to my Master. I needed to use the weapons provided to me (on loan by the way) to destroy the reasoning process and exalted thing in my mind that permitted such thought trains. Something in my mind was exalted over my Master, even for that time. Some reasoning justified that circumstance defeating my position with my Master. It was all a battle in my mind, but it was a battle just the same. This is the field of battle I need to focus on each evening, each morning, every work day, and weekends (no Sunday's off).

An element here is interesting. Last night I volunteered to lead a small group in my neighborhood. I see one is needed, and our church doesn't have one. I'm thinking of those in the neighborhood who clearly don't attend anywhere regardless of what they believe. The very night I volunteer, my old enemy rises up in my mind, and for a time, defeats me. I am reminded of my frailty, of my inability to function apart from my Master. In this task of a small group, I will need to follow the process my Master taught me to bring me out here. I will need to wait, worship, and walk before Him.

And as I follow this pattern, I will need to again strengthen myself by praying again and again with the words, "You love me. You have my back. And I am at Your service." I need to remember these things if I am to move fearlessly yet submissively toward any sort of small group. I will wait for the timing of my Master, the place my Master desires, and for those He brings to it. I will have to fade more than I have. Last night, as I worked at the church, my mental fight was against my old desires to be well respected in the congregation. I must be pleased to be ignored! I MUST. I must remember that IT IS NOT ABOUT ME!

My "old man" is still within me (not my dad, my old nature) fighting for life. He has not had much opportunity since I have ducked all leadership duties in the past nine months. Now that I would consider one again, up he springs (elevated high place to be destroyed). I won that fight last night, happy to work outside the social networking going on around me. That sort of thing is part of church, and I didn't exclude myself, I simply continued to work on what I was doing until finished. I focused on the service, not my status. It is a spiritual discipline that I should have continued into my sleeping hours.

So, today, my application will be to submit my thoughts, reasoning, excuses, and whining to my Master; exchanging my garbage for His treasure. It doesn't seem fair, but He asks me to do it. I guess I better get after it. Work provides ample opportunities for whining and bad reasoning on my part, not to mention excuses and whining (did I mention the bad reasoning… right, there it is). Pardon me while I strap on the ill-fitting armor and heavy weapons of my Master. It looks funny (or I do in it), but it sure is effective (or actually, He is). My heavens, it's not about me, it's not about me, it's not about me…

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, September 8

Drink Deep and Let It Flow: It Only Sounds Bad

Ok, so I was wrong. It wasn't John 7 where Jesus was talking to the woman at the well, it was chapter 4. In seven Jesus was in the Temple during a feast where one of the events was a water offering. During that event He stands and claims to be the source of rivers of Living Water flowing out of those believing in Him. In Chapter 4 He calls it a fountain rather than a river springing up to eternal life. That will remind me to always check the context before writing the entry. Always check my references. Good advice.

So, again, the spring of eternal life living water is interpreted by Chambers to be good effects of the believer in this world. That is possible, and is supposed to be a characteristic of believers in general. So, the question for me is, "Am I such a source of living water for others I encounter?" The quick answer is probably not. There are those who need my Master most, know Him least, and scare the willies out of me (whatever willies are, and do I really need them anyway). But these are typically become the most energetic believers. I have a new neighbor who clearly loves life, but his life is separated from the source of every breathe he breathes.

I have a neighbor next to me who refuses to kill anything, including wasps, and tried to save a nest that had taken up residence in a car he was working on. He was sad when they failed to move with the nest and many died. My wife and I spray wasps mercilessly when we find them. But this guy doesn't know Jesus for who He is. He believes he's good enough without "church", "Christianity", and so on. I like him and his "wife/girl friend" but I haven't broken through to that all important introduction into the Person of Jesus. My wife asked me how we can make that transition or introduction. I don't know. That's a problem.

I'm still waiting to find out if I can find an existing small group in my neighborhood. It seems my Master is keeping me from that knowledge. Well, not really. I saw the pastor last night, and I forgot to ask. So, really is that important to me? It is, but I was in the "moment" and distracted by other things, like paint sprayers, scaffolding, and drop cloths. Well, that's my excuse anyway. I want something to invite my neighbors to, but I don't want to start it. What I want is to be that stream or fountain of living water and for others to ask about it. I must not be that great a source of living water because no one asks.

I sense something in me getting ready to grow out of my adolescent fears of others. I'm certainly not there yet, but I sense it coming. It's not about me; it's not about others even. It is about my Master shucking the shells I have used to hide my "hermit crab" body from this world. He wants to be my security. Anything others can take from me is not mine anyway. I'm having trouble with that paradigm shift. I probably have too much, but even that's an excuse. I could have a cardboard box and have too much. The water flow from my life is dammed by my fears and efforts to protect myself and my stuff.

So, the one believing in my Master and drinking from His water will have a fountain of it springing up inside them to eternal life. Ok, I guess the application for me today is get my cup, drink deep from my Master, and kick over my stupid wall of fears. It's time to end this drought. Now where did I put my big cup and steel-toed boots?

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, September 7

Eastern Philosophy, Water, and Ultimate Reality: A Little Light Reading

Taoism, from the writings rather than popular practice, has at its core the ideal that people respond to life as water flows over the ground. Jesus' words indicate that we are to be devoted to Him, and the effects of that devotion will flow around us like constant streams of water. There is a perspective gained by stepping back another layer or elevation and looking again at what I'm doing where. Sometimes I am the water, sometimes I am the devotee. The difference is effectiveness in the lives of others.

The principles of Taoism sound great, aren't evil or bad, appear to enable people to respond to bad circumstances peacefully, and seem to make a degree of sense out of a confusing world. The limiting factor with this belief system is the same as with so many others: it doesn't look beyond this creation to the Creator. One underlying assumption is that the Cause of the universe is unknowable. In reality that is true to a degree, but that is the reason He reveals Himself to His human creatures. The failure of the peaceful belief system of Taoism is that it looks no further than this place or life.

So, once I look beyond this planet and universe to the Maker, then I can follow Taoist principles to live out my life? No, not really. Whenever I assume that the Maker is unknowable, it falls on me to manage my life. So following a system with that underlying assumption is inconsistent with looking to my Master. The irony is that the results might look similar to outsiders. The peace sought by practicing Taoism is exceeded by following Jesus, and submitting to His Spirit. Like philosophy developed in Greece, these principles of Taoism seek for answers no further than the person.

Chambers uses again one of those powerful verses that sneak right by me. In John 7, Jesus is speaking with an outcast Samaritan woman at a well in Samaria. She was a Samaritan which put her outside the conversational circles of Jewish life; she was there in the heat of the day which put her outside the local social circle; and she was drawing water herself which put her on the lower economic level. Jesus asks her for water, but in the ensuing conversation says that "He that believes in Me, as the Scripture said, 'From his innermost being will flow rivers of living water.'"

Starting with her need and constant work for water, Jesus offers fulfillment of the greater desire of her heart, acceptance and value. He says that she can be the source of living streams of water: Accepted by God and useful to Him as a spring. That did not describe her circumstances at the moment. She was not accepted in her community, and no one seemed to find her useful, until Jesus came. Part of this view is imposing my own needs on a Bible character, and so it is partly transference on my part. But she was not accepted, that much is true. Usefulness is a question, but I doubt she was considered useful in the ways she wanted to be.

For my own application, the question challenging me is, "will I allow my Master to create this spring in me?" Chambers points out that the effects of rivers are not obvious nor easy to follow, often happen far from the source, but always overcome obstacles; bad news, good news. I can't measure my effectiveness. I can't make a measurable goal of being this river source. In effect, I am protected from becoming focused on the effect and free to focus on my Master. That ensures the river will flow in a living fashion. I won't know the effect until later, until I am before the throne of my Master.

That I can't measure or know the effects until I see my Master face to face may sound harsh, but it's not. The river belongs to my Master, not me. So the effects are His not mine. He gets credit for what happens, not me. What I will see later is what my Master was able to do through me; through my submission to Him. It won't be what I did, or the effects of what I was able to accomplish. One of the things I must keep in my consciousness is that this is not about me. Another is that this is not about others I share this planet with. This life is about God, Who, in Christ, is reconciling this world to Himself.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, September 6