I get real skeptical and perhaps defensive when someone spouts off about what they believe about someone else's call by my Master. So, when Chambers says that when someone can articulate the call he doubts it was truly a call from God, all my defensive antennae go up and my face furrows. How would he know? I have to admit that I do that to a certain degree as well, but I only withhold judgment believing the proof will reveal itself over time. But I know enough of my Master to know that His work in others is beyond my understanding. I have seen too many unexpected things in and through others to hedge in what His work or call will look like.
Probably because I think I got my call wrong, I doubt anyone's ability to say for sure what someone else's call might be. And, conversely, I also doubt what others might say my calling is. I have heard that used to try and manipulate me to do something that was from them rather than from my Master. "I believe you're called to (insert whatever ministry they are having trouble recruiting for) and should obey God." On the other hand, there are a few that know me well, and I trust their wisdom. So if they were to say or suggest some direction my Master may be leading me, I tend to listen and test that more carefully.
But on the calling to preach, there is a lot of emotion in this area for me. I have changed a lot from what I used to be, and I now consciously scale back what I say. I am more skittish to stand out than I used to be. I used to, and could probably still, just preach something at the drop of a hat. I could probably preach for a long time on simple topics. But I am so disenchanted with my own abilities and scared of the damage my old attitudes caused that I don't.
I don't sense anything resembling a call to vocational ministry. In fact, I believe that any answers to some interview I might have with a perspective searching committee would disqualify fairly quickly. I am no longer driven to drive a thriving congregation to take over the community. I am not up to that fight anymore. It smacks too much of me and my ability rather than my Master and His purpose. I have never been a type-A personality anyway, but my tendency toward depression and my stubborn beliefs about Scripture and my Master don't ingratiate me to churches. Even if they are not looking for a type-A, I strongly resist control and manipulation by others either confrontationally or passive aggressively. I doubt that's all that healthy.
Now, I have added to my several disqualifying characteristics the desire to move only as fast as my Master reveals the road ahead. And I am happy to wait on Him for a very long time. That trait will truly drive a church up the wall. It sounds good, but is so determined by my ability to see my Master's leading, that getting people to follow such a schedule will be very difficult. They would need to both agree to the process and be looking for His leading as well. Churches are made up of people who do not seek the Master of the Universe, but more often pursue either a god of their own making, or someone to engage the true Master on their behalf. I have little patience with either, partly because such people rob me. I need the perspective of others to better understand my Master. If they are looking at some other god, or looking at some priest instead of Him, I am robbed of their vision and perspective of God.
So with my low opinion of church people and my skepticism of the opinions of others, I think it's pretty clear my Master is not calling me to vocational ministry. But I do sense a clear calling to be a part of church. I can't sit and just criticize; griping and sniping in festering resentment. I know that people are not so much evil as just scared or ignorant. I am too, so I get that. By engaging in church, I hope that, together with others, I will seek and find my Master, and His purpose and direction more clearly. I know I join a bunch of imperfect people to do so, I just hope they don't mind one more festering example of imperfection in their midst. I'll try to mind them either. And I promise to work on my anger issues.
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