I was told over and over that the problem I had with my addiction was a refusal to surrender to my Master. While that was true in one sense it was not anywhere close in another. I had surrendered so many times I lost count and began to see no sense in it. Surrender must be a transitive verb, never standing on its own. I would declare that I surrender my addiction, but that wasn't the problem, and it would come right back. I would just surrender without naming what I was surrendering, or state I was surrendering my life, but that is too general for me. It never worked.
The day I faced my issue, surrendered my mental health and dependence to my Master, and then began to take steps (and medication) to address my depression; that day I surrendered a major piece of my life. After that I began to surrender more and more. I still struggle to surrender more and more. I have pride issues that need to go. I still face fears that reveal a lack of faith in certain areas. I still want control in things, and that indicates another area to surrender. The battles flare, but the war is won, so far. Now when the feelings of depression return I know them for what they are and face them accordingly.
I didn't imagine so much could come from so little. I blamed my circumstances for so long and yet Scripture after Scripture clearly indicate that my joy should transcend circumstances. I blamed others, and yet the joy given by my Master is given to me; I can only give it away to others. I blamed, rationalized, and basically fought to be complacent in my misery. Once out of it, my circumstances didn't change, or improve necessarily. I worked at the same place for the same structures. I lived in the same house, drove the same car, had the same family problems, and faced the same traffic every day even after the depression passed.
The difference in these circumstances was me. I changed. I saw things differently rather than seeking different things. This made it easier to deal with the job; I began to enjoy it again. The family issues became more reasonable to me and I began to respond differently. In the midst of this, the addiction became unnecessary to deal with my inner pain as the inner pain began to heal. I kept looking for some event of abuse in my past, or some watershed event. They were never there, just a time in my life when I became sad and a sinful way of dealing with it presented itself. But that wasn't enough.
I look at the males in my family, even on my mother's side, and I find that depression seems to be rampant in my family tree. That's not a commentary on society, but a mark of mental health. Sadness is one thing, but chronic frustration and restlessness are not so easily explained by circumstances. Circumstances change, and those feelings remain. I have had a problem that did not stem from my circumstances when young, but my family tree – the sap was sapping my emotional strength, and it ran deep in my family. I needed to admit a weakness I never wanted or expected to have.
So, I surrendered, and yet I continue to surrender. I see battles close on the horizon, coming challenges. I face one this Saturday in fact. Will I slip back into the pattern of self-reliance I used previously, or will I explore undiscovered country of complete abandon for words and direction? There may not appear to be much difference to some, but I will know. As more opportunities come, I will desperately need my Master to guide me through them. Will I surrender my rights, my strengths, and my desires to Him as I navigate any opportunities? Those are the battles I see ahead. These are opportunities for growth.
Chambers points out that after surrender there is just the life of constant communion with my Master. I am not there yet. Perhaps I will be one day. Perhaps one day I won't see these challenges as challenges, but simply as opportunities my Master presents; I will just know which ones He has chosen and which ones are for others. Maybe one day I will be able to simply ignore my personal desires, and take on the desires of my Master instead. Perhaps, maybe, it could happen. I have some way to go yet. But it could happen and I am close enough to taste it. It's not what I expected. No Jedi am I, just some guy with a massive Master.
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