Most of the time I have been interacting with Chambers views on this or that; perhaps engaging his challenge, perhaps not. Not today. Today I am confronted with a convicting challenge that I know I don't live up to, and to which I can only reach with tremendous courage. The challenge is to pour out of my life the living water poured in by my Master. The refreshing and invigorating life of my Master is supposed to pour through me. I am to be the "conduit" of it to the lives of others. I know that and to a degree I am that; but not like this.
The sense I get from what Chambers has said is that the flow from me is like through a fire hose instead of the straw I have been using. I'm not supposed to "leak" the blessings and refreshing of my Master, but these refreshing blessings are to pour out of me. I should do some things I have not taken the time to do. I have a pastor I have felt the desire to encourage (actually two). I have time with my daughter I have not taken. I am doing better with my wife, but still need improvement there. I sense there is more I am supposed to do at church, or at least participate in, but I haven't taken the time to ask. I don't know why.
I am restraining the flow of living water from my Master through me. The primary reason is fear. It's a similar fear I had when I was a pastor; a people-pleasing fear. The fear originates in something known as co-dependency, but is really idolatry. Whenever I put people and their sensibilities over my Masters, I have set them up as idols (or rather made an idol of their approval of me). That is foolish in the extreme. How does the saying go, "You can't please everyone." Some have added, "…so you might as well please yourself." Great, I'll just make an idol of myself since others are so frustrating.
In essence, my fear is the alarm klaxon that I have taken my eyes off my Master. At that point I need to look at the fear, look at my Master, and walk through it; if only because it is a fear. It can become my spiritual discipline of courage (or relational dare devil). It will be somewhat painful, and put me in situations where I will be uncomfortable. The pastor of the church I attend shared a story about when he did that and the result wasn't that he was spent, but that he was refreshed even more. The point being that I can't empty myself, I simply turn on the tap; I'm a "hose" not a "bucket", or better yet, I'm a clay pot water feature.
Well, I should be those things, but I'm not yet. By the weekend I forget what I'm supposed to do. My prejudices seep back in around the edges of my heart, and I end up avoiding people from that old fear. I will work and practice (the very essence of a spiritual discipline) to hear the fear klaxon for what it is. I will practice retraining my focus on my Master and walking through the fear. I will…when the fears appear. I can't control that part. I can pray that my Master bring it on before I forget, but lately that means I have about an hour or so (ok, so I'm getting old).
I want my Master to help me here. I want to be that conduit, not the reservoir of His blessings. I want the living water to flow through me into the lives around me, but I feel the fear even now. How much time will that take from other things I do? I don't want to be uncomfortable. I don't want to be around smelly homeless people (although I have a lot in common with them after several days without a shower – I'm not sure how my family has put up with me this week). I have no reason for these fears except my own selfishness.
So, today I will die, some more. I will accept that I have so much to learn and so far to go in my relationship with my Master. I will confess that service to my King means service to His human creatures. I will lower my defenses and release my desires to my Master. I will serve wherever He puts me, doing whatever He lays before me. That is my desire for today. I will need to repeat that in prayer a whole lot to make it stick. My brain is not as sticky as it once was, and this is not something to let slip. It is something I typically avoid, so I need to work extra hard not to. I wonder what today will be like. Well, it's time to see.
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