There is a lot going on today. Today all business and fiduciary federal extensions for 2010 are due to the IRS. All my customers will be madly completing all the forms because there is no extension after this (it's called something else after this). Today, my wife is in California with her aunt and uncle because her aunt went to the ER yesterday afternoon. So, I am on my own with my daughter for a few days, unexpectedly. This is where most of my problems will lie in the next few days. They are not serious problems, but they are things to be aware of and overcome.
Last night, I was struck by insomnia. It was probably due to loneliness, concern for my wife travelling several hundred miles to her aunts in the dead of night, and dark chocolate covered espresso beans. The beans were in the later midafternoon before she left, but I'm sure they didn't help just the same. Oh, and I forgot my medication, no worries though, I took it an hour after going to bed. The problem with insomnia is that I'm tired, but I just can't sleep. My mind suffers all the lovely effects of being tired, but it won't let go of the day either. In other words, I have a great excuse to be stupid today, and I cannot afford to be stupid.
I struggled last night, as I tried to sleep. I didn't violate any dangerous boundaries, but I still entertained mental pictures and fantasies. I faded in and out of consciousness, but never for long, and never far from waking, until after midnight. I may need a quick nap after this blog entry. The entry from Chambers was right on this issue. I was toying with the idea of saying nothing about the struggle, since it's in line with my addictive behaviors and leads directly that direction. The entry today was about putting out the deceptions, leaning on cunning to make my point. Saturday, I will be making some point. It better not be by hiding something.
The temptation is to not confess, but that is part of what this blog is about. I had prayed right at the beginning and at times throughout my struggle (which is what makes it a struggle). But in my tired state, I did not discipline myself like I should have. When I avoided fantasies, my thoughts went other places not productive. My fear for my wife sprang up. I confessed my powerlessness over her situation, and confessed that she is no less in the hands of my Master traveling than when here at home. I went all over the place and traced my frailties back and forth. I drank water, I walked the house, I entertained evil thoughts, I prayed.
I've had more fun, but honesty demands that I confess this shortcoming. I want to be "current" with my inventory (as 12-steppers put it). I have to be if I am to be available to my Master. He loves me, He has my back, and I am at His service. I can't be the servant without the discipline. I was more disciplined yesterday at work. Now I'm tired and need it again, even more focused and disciplined. I hate discipline, mostly being disciplined, but self-discipline too. The danger is that I convince myself that I can "get away with it" and will escape being disciplined. That will never happen. It's part of my denial.
So, this wandering entry is both confession and agreement with Chambers this morning. I agree with what he says is such a need in my life. I also need a nap. I need to rely on my Master through this day, and into this evening when I try to sleep. I need to discipline myself so that I will not need to be disciplined. I need to give a good account of myself to my Master, before Him, and to others of His glory. I can't do that if I'm giving in to the frailties of my mind and heart. I will submit today. It must be to my Master, not to my sinful nature. Nap time?
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