Pity, Party, or Prayer, How Do I Love My Fellow Believers?

I have noted in passing within other posts that other people are often better at seeing my foibles than I think they are, and are even sometimes better than I am.  This is sometimes true in the reverse.  The times when I see the foibles and weaknesses in others is what Chambers is referring to in this entry.  What Chambers says is that these are divine revelations.  And divine revelations have a divine responsibilities.

I have yet another confession to make (shocking, right).  I have a great respect for my ability to think and reason.  I call it connecting dots, but whatever I call it I take ownership of it, and pride as well.  Chambers says that when I see my fellow believers sinning, then this is a revelation from my Master for the purpose of joining Him in intercessory prayer.  That changes everything.  Now it’s not me connecting dots, it is the Spirit of my Master connecting me to Him. 

There may be times when I do the dot connecting.  But really, even then, there is a real sense in which I simply exercising some ability, gift, or talent I have been given by my Master.  When what I see reveals a sin on the part of one of my fellow believers, then I should be seeing an invitation from my Master to intercede for them to, or with, Him.  I don’t always.

Sometimes I ignore the call to prayer and intervene, not intercede.  I correct with criticism, and my criticism is rarely the kind, gentle, prodding of the Master.  It is usually the clumsy poking of the ignorant.  It is entertaining for me, so I call it the “party” response to the sin of others.

But at other times, I feel very close to my Master, just not close enough to avoid my pride.  At these times I look at the sinning fellow with sadness.  I see them hurting themselves and others, and I furrow my brow, frown, and shake my head.  Um…wouldn’t it be more helpful to shut my eyes and bow my head?  This is the “pity” response.

Both of these happen way more often than I want you to believe.  My compassion is never generated from within.  It always springs from my Master, always.  I’m naturally a jerk, I just want to get that out of the way now.  You’ve seen it, read it between the lines, I’m just saying it in print.  I admit it.  My natural tendencies are not pretty.

But when I notice, see and perceive my fellow sinning, I have an opportunity.  My Master has given me a gift, an invitation to join Him in interceding for this fellow.  He thinks enough of me to invite me, despite the natural tendency to be a jerk.  When I do, this sinning on the part of another becomes a time of worship in prayer for me.  I gain.  And I gain a few things.

I gain closeness with my Master.  I gain serenity in seeing the situation rightly placed in the lap of my Master.  I also gain back a fellow believer.  In 1 John 5:16, the Apostle John states that if the sin is not toward death, then my Master gives that person life.  So, this invitation is also to see the lift-giving action of my Master on behalf of another.  So, I stand to gain quite a bit.

But the obvious winner here is the fellow believer sinning.  They gain life if I intercede.  What happens when I choose either of the other two?  The sin may not lead to death, but it also does not lead to life.  What sort of half-life am I leaving them in?  Now, I am not saying that my Master only reveals these things to me.  Others may intercede and the fellow will have life given due to the intercession of others.  But what if He does not reveal it to others.  With the revelation comes a responsibility, and as with many responsibilities, others may suffer when I am not responsible.

So, again, I enter into the time of thinking of others, this time at the invitation of my Master.  Blessings upon you!

Oswald Chambers' "My Utmost For His Highest": March 31st.

My Work in Prayer, But Do I Do It?

When I read the words of Paul, every once in a while, his anger peeks through.  In this entry I sense some of the anger of Chambers.  What it takes to make prayer personal private worship is seeking the Person I depend on to answer the petition.  I get that.  That resonates with me because I too have thought some prayers, my own prayers, have lacked the conviction needed to really be directed at my Master.  They were not prayers of faith, but had that reservation that revealed I was not sure either He was actually there, or was there but not going to answer.

In the movie, The Shadowlands, the character of C.S. Lewis is being chided for his beliefs by a colleague, and he replies, “I don’t pray to change God, I pray to change me.”  For some reason, even though I saw that movie long after I should have understood that, I was struck by how much that did not characterize my prayers.  Since then I have tried to instill within my prayers that sense of being conformed to my Master, not the other way around.  But I confess it is difficult sometimes.  For me, the most common reason for difficulties has been shame.  At points in my life, the vast pools of shame have so engulfed my soul that I just stopped praying.  What was the point?  I was never going to gain the ear of God since I am so lousy.  But instead of driving me to repentance, it simply reinforced the feelings of shame and I used it to fuel (and protect) my sinful habits.  It was an excuse to sin.

At other times, I have struggled with my prayers feeling like they do not reach my Master; and not for reasons of sin (weird that I would have such bouts of clarity isn’t it?) which I usually sense fairly easily.  During these times, I have learned to rest in my Master’s presence, trusting that what I cannot feel is true nonetheless.  Most of these times, once the music of worship begins to swell in my heart, the clouds of my vision clear, and I see Him where He has been all along.  Sometimes I just rest without necessarily seeing Him, trusting in what I know rather than what I feel. 

Whether it is sin or my feelings that screen my sense of the immanence of my Master, these things rarely have much to do with my work of intercession.  That work is hindered in me by my self-centered heart.  I am wrong when I do not intercede.  I can think of people for whom to intercede.  I work with them.  I can think of situations where the work of my Master is desperately needed (for instance Japan needs Him now from the earth quake as much as in the days of the great world war).  It’s not hard to fill my prayers with needs of others.  I’m not sure why I don’t, other than I don’t want to be bothered.  Perhaps this is one of those situations where I feel a sense of shame that it is not me suffering.  Or maybe it is too far away.  But what of those close to me?  This excuse does not work very well.  I am wrong when I do not lift the ones my Master has made me aware of to Him in intercession.  Am I too busy?  That is probably more callous than it sounds.  Do I feel inadequate?  Of course I’m inadequate, that’s why I go to my Master!  Am I too lazy?  That would imply that I do not work hard, but there are things for which I do, so I’m not lazy, but selective to what I give my energy.  Again, that is probably very callous. 

Well, further confession seems silly.  I’m going to go pray now.  You may be included.  Busy, busy, busy.

Oswald Chambers' "My Utmost For His Highest": March 30th.

Am I Ready to Encounter Jesus?

One of the fascinating things that Jesus ever said was that He didn’t know the time of His return.  I have wondered what that meant for my understanding of the Trinity for years.  It is something I have not resolved, nor found the explanation of others sufficient.  He seemed to be very much God-the-Son in so many other situations, in knowledge, in power, and in seeing what would certainly happen.  But here He is limited.  The only other times I have seen in Scripture where Jesus was limited was in His surprise about someone’s belief, when He found the faith of someone higher than He would have expected.  But I am not sure at those times if He was really just making something He did know more dramatically obvious.

But in Luke 12:40, He says He does not know the time of His return.  In other places He is more specific and says that only the Father knows.  I thought they were One, but I see from this statement that I do not really understand what that means.  They are not necessarily One-and-the-Same.  This clear limit in my understanding of my Master is necessary.  It is just one of many examples where my Master exceeds my boundaries of understanding.  I see things in Scripture and in my life that illustrate those limits and I am drawn to worship my Master more deeply.  As I have said before, I should expect that One capable of forming stars and the limits of such a universe to be inexplicable by human reasoning. 

But Chambers brings out another element to this passages I think is interesting.  Rather than point out the obvious end-time Eschatological meaning, he points out the rather immanent daily meaning.  It is there only by extension, but a possible interpretation.  The parables Jesus use allow for a regular occurrence in daily life.  Which brings readiness down to the local time level.  I need to be ready to encounter Jesus at work.  I need to be ready to encounter my Master on the way to work (a slower, more tranquil driver perhaps?).  I need to be ready so that when He finds me, He will be pleased with what He finds.  I should not be hiding among the trees with the latest in broad-leaf wear, but right out in the garden, tending as He left me to do.
Being ready in this sense is at first, somewhat stressful.  The tension at constant readiness wears on my ability to maintain the correct attention level.  Yet, this isn’t to be ready to be attacked, or to race to a fire, or to attack an enemy.  This is to be ready for someone’s arrival Whom I love and Who loves me.  It is a bit different than the expectant waiting that I can find at most airports, fewer train stations, and rarely at a bus station (except for Grand Central in New York, that place has everyone at most any time).  Waiting of that sort interrupts the daily routine.  This sort happens in the course of the day.  It’s not an interruption, but a part of the day.

For years, I considered that the day would not be today.  I goofed off.  I was not about tending the garden in which I was placed.  I was not pointing to Jesus, but enjoying whatever captured my attention.  At least that is how it appeared.  In reality, I was embroiled in more inner turmoil and distress than if I had been waiting for my Masters immanent appearance.  By trying to fix my own problems, by trying to appear other than I am, and by attempting to hide behind a façade made of rotten props and poster board, I harbored shame and guilt in hidden reservoirs.  It was more stressful pretending to be ready, than to actually be ready.  I operated under the illusion that I somehow earned grace, that I could appear good enough and impress other people, as if that would be pleasing to my Master.  In reality, I behaved as if Jesus was not my Master.  It was as if I did not really believe in Jesus but just wanted to appear to believe.  I was insane.

But the journey of the past year has brought me to the brink if sanity.  I have begun a trek into the undiscovered country of faith that I only dreamed of before.  The theological studies which were theory so many years ago are becoming concrete experiences.  I am emerging from a life characterized by shame and sin into a life of purpose and joy.  It’s something I discover about myself rather than bring about by effort.  My effort is focused on my relationship to my Master, and His power and grace draw me from the depths.  It is happening for me.  Yet I feel the closeness of the Accuser.  I sense the murmurings of the flesh I used to pamper and feed.  I still hear the whisperings of the life I led seeking to draw me in, just on the edge of hearing, distracting me, seeking to have my attention, and playing on my curiosity to hear more fully.  I know those voices.  They were my companions of old, my imaginary friends, they were the finger puppets of my Enemy.  As I was insane, I can say that they were all in my head, and they were.

People are more human now.  I see them differently, and it feels good.  I have discovered that my Master has made changes in me, and I like them.  My discipline remains the same:  Wait, worship, and walk before Him.  I blog, pray, and seek Him throughout the day.  My life is changing and all I have done is make myself more available to my Master.  I am “being transformed by the renewing of my mind.”  I am obeying the passive imperative, and I like the results. 

So out I go into another day.  I wonder where I will encounter my Master today.

Oswald Chambers' "My Utmost For His Highest": March 29th.

Am I Ready to Encounter Jesus?

One of the fascinating things that Jesus ever said was that He didn’t know the time of His return.  I have wondered what that meant for my understanding of the Trinity for years.  It is something I have not resolved, nor found the explanation of others sufficient.  He seemed to be very much God-the-Son in so many other situations, in knowledge, in power, and in seeing what would certainly happen.  But here He is limited.  The only other times I have seen in Scripture where Jesus was limited was in His surprise about someone’s belief, when He found the faith of someone higher than He would have expected.  But I am not sure at those times if He was really just making something He did know more dramatically obvious.

But in Luke 12:40, He says He does not know the time of His return.  In other places He is more specific and says that only the Father knows.  I thought they were One, but I see from this statement that I do not really understand what that means.  They are not necessarily One-and-the-Same.  This clear limit in my understanding of my Master is necessary.  It is just one of many examples where my Master exceeds my boundaries of understanding.  I see things in Scripture and in my life that illustrate those limits and I am drawn to worship my Master more deeply.  As I have said before, I should expect that One capable of forming stars and the limits of such a universe to be inexplicable by human reasoning. 

But Chambers brings out another element to this passages I think is interesting.  Rather than point out the obvious end-time Eschatological meaning, he points out the rather immanent daily meaning.  It is there only by extension, but a possible interpretation.  The parables Jesus use allow for a regular occurrence in daily life.  Which brings readiness down to the local time level.  I need to be ready to encounter Jesus at work.  I need to be ready to encounter my Master on the way to work (a slower, more tranquil driver perhaps?).  I need to be ready so that when He finds me, He will be pleased with what He finds.  I should not be hiding among the trees with the latest in broad-leaf wear, but right out in the garden, tending as He left me to do.

Being ready in this sense is at first, somewhat stressful.  The tension at constant readiness wears on my ability to maintain the correct attention level.  Yet, this isn’t to be ready to be attacked, or to race to a fire, or to attack an enemy.  This is to be ready for someone’s arrival Whom I love and Who loves me.  It is a bit different than the expectant waiting that I can find at most airports, fewer train stations, and rarely at a bus station (except for Grand Central in New York, that place has everyone at most any time).  Waiting of that sort interrupts the daily routine.  This sort happens in the course of the day.  It’s not an interruption, but a part of the day.

For years, I considered that the day would not be today.  I goofed off.  I was not about tending the garden in which I was placed.  I was not pointing to Jesus, but enjoying whatever captured my attention.  At least that is how it appeared.  In reality, I was embroiled in more inner turmoil and distress than if I had been waiting for my Masters immanent appearance.  By trying to fix my own problems, by trying to appear other than I am, and by attempting to hide behind a façade made of rotten props and poster board, I harbored shame and guilt in hidden reservoirs.  It was more stressful pretending to be ready, than to actually be ready.  I operated under the illusion that I somehow earned grace, that I could appear good enough and impress other people, as if that would be pleasing to my Master.  In reality, I behaved as if Jesus was not my Master.  It was as if I did not really believe in Jesus but just wanted to appear to believe.  I was insane.

But the journey of the past year has brought me to the brink if sanity.  I have begun a trek into the undiscovered country of faith that I only dreamed of before.  The theological studies which were theory so many years ago are becoming concrete experiences.  I am emerging from a life characterized by shame and sin into a life of purpose and joy.  It’s something I discover about myself rather than bring about by effort.  My effort is focused on my relationship to my Master, and His power and grace draw me from the depths.  It is happening for me.  Yet I feel the closeness of the Accuser.  I sense the murmurings of the flesh I used to pamper and feed.  I still hear the whisperings of the life I led seeking to draw me in, just on the edge of hearing, distracting me, seeking to have my attention, and playing on my curiosity to hear more fully.  I know those voices.  They were my companions of old, my imaginary friends, they were the finger puppets of my Enemy.  As I was insane, I can say that they were all in my head, and they were.

People are more human now.  I see them differently, and it feels good.  I have discovered that my Master has made changes in me, and I like them.  My discipline remains the same:  Wait, worship, and walk before Him.  I blog, pray, and seek Him throughout the day.  My life is changing and all I have done is make myself more available to my Master.  I am “being transformed by the renewing of my mind.”  I am obeying the passive imperative, and I like the results. 

So out I go into another day.  I wonder where I will encounter my Master today.

Oswald Chambers' "My Utmost For His Highest": March 29th.

Uncommon Senseless Obedience, Can I Do That?

Sometimes, my obedience to Jesus, when common sense seems ignored, is really hard.  For instance, the rule of turning the other cheek, or loving enemies, or blessing in return for curses (especially when you know the perfect retort) all seem counter-intuitive.  Why should I allow myself to be a door mat?  But then there are things like not being concerned with the basics stuff of life like food, shelter, clothing, and so on.  Not being motivated by these also seems counter-intuitive.

The text of John 11:7-8 comes at the beginning of one of my favorite stories of Jesus.  His friend, Lazarus, has become sick and dies.  Jesus hears of it when Lazarus is still able to be healed from the sickness but waits until he dies, and several days past that death. The disciples hear Jesus say that this sickness will not end in death, see Jesus delay several days, and conclude that He is concerned with His own safety.  There are those who would stone Him if He were to return to Judea.  So, their response of, “Rabbi, now the Jews seek to stone You, will You depart for there again?” makes some sense if I look at Jesus’ actions along with them, and limit my understanding and knowledge of Jesus to what they would have been able to know.

But looking at Jesus along with them in this way is also illuminates a problem in my own relationship with Jesus.  I have a better view of Jesus since I have the whole story of His life and am not living it as it happens.  I know why and where He is going.  And yet, knowing what I do, I still feel a desire to hedge my bets with my Master.  I feel a sense of discomfort in walking over what I know to be thin ice with Him without at least wearing a dry suit with scuba tanks.  After all the water’s cold under there.  But if I believe He can not only walk on water, but call me to do so as well, should ice then be a problem, regardless of how thin it might be? 

Jesus has given some instruction to me and radical obedience to it may cost me my job.  So far, nominal obedience to it hasn’t but what if I step it up a notch?  I’m not supposed to turn my cubical into a “shrine” but what if I did make every aspect of my life point to Him, including my workspace?  My work code of conduct prohibits such religious expression, and I signed it demonstrating my understanding of it.  So is it right to decorate my cubical like some shrine to the worship of Jesus?  Actually, I believe that it depends.  I believe something like that done for show is silly and only draws negative attention to the person rather than positive attention to Jesus. 

I believe that there are things in Scripture to which I need to be obedient daily, and I don’t.  I don’t hand out cash or change to beggars at street corners, and I am suspicious of them when I spot their partner under a tree across the street, see them “working” a spot.  I am somewhat offended when I see Jesus’ name on their placard when I am fairly certain they know little of Him.  But I don’t know that.  Jesus didn’t ask me to do background checks on beggars before being His hands and feet to reach out to them.  And there are other things I can do besides money.  My wife once put together packs of water, food, and some basic supplies and had them in the car with her.  She would hand them that instead.  No background check required.

Do I question Jesus when I sense He has asked me to do something?  Do I suspect His understanding has lagged when I don’t understand what He has asked me to do?  Do I hesitate and look back at Him to make sure that this is it really, or will You catch my arm as you did Abraham over Isaac?  Do I trust Him, really?  My honest answer can be no better than “sometimes” unfortunately.  That is the best I can muster and still be honest, but really it might be more honest to say “occasionally” or even “rarely.”  So, how do I improve this honest answer? 

The only way I know to improve my honest answer is to read the Bible more thoroughly, and practice trust in Jesus in the things I find in the Bible.  I trust that they are true, but also trust that He will remain the same faithful God I read about in Scripture.  It’s hard not see some of these passages and think that was for then, but this is now.  Or think that He has somehow stopped working the same way because we are so much more aware of our world now, less superstitious, more scientific, smarter, hog wash.  He is the same God then, now, and forever.  But that is easy to say sitting in the quiet of my dining room writing this blog, before a grueling workout, crazy senseless drive to work, and the booting up of my work PC.  Wait until these things, and praise Him.  Or even perhaps praise Him in the midst of them.  That is how I change my honest answers.  Well, off I go, wish me…successful practice.

Oswald Chambers' "My Utmost For His Highest": March 28th.

The View From Right Here

I am using a different tool to blog this morning, and I hope it speeds the process somewhat.  One nice touch is that it includes a link to the entry in MUFHH, which might help provide a context to understand some of my more bizarre rantings.  For this entry, I have to admit that the timing is something I would only ascribe to my Master.  For in this entry, I find something relating to a struggle my family is having right now.  The answer I find in the last paragraph, but even the contents serve to encourage me as I go through this with my family, attempting to stand as a spiritual leader.  This is not easy since my track record does not naturally induce trust.

The passage is Revelation 4:1 where John is invited into heaven to witness what must happen at the end, or before the end, or after these things, or something like that (Revelation is not one of my favorite books, it’s too much like much of Ezekiel and the last two-thirds of Daniel for my limited understanding of contemporary history to grasp).  The point that Chambers focus’ on is the invitation to come up higher.  He differentiates between this invitation from my Master versus the invitation from the Accuser.  When the Accuser invites the place is always perilous, but when my Master invites, the place is always open and wonderful.  I’m not sure that is a hard-and-fast rule, but is a fairly good place to be.  The description is in some ways like the position we are in now, but only somewhat.

I sense God’s presence and voice more now than I have in the past 10 years.  I feel clearer and more aware of myself, my foibles, and feel less justified to hang on to them.  I see myself as I believe my Master sees me, or at least more so.  And I believe this sense of sight helps me perceive my Master better as well.  But not perfectly.  I still wonder where the limitations are for my ability to see my Master and hear His voice.  I wonder if the past several months have served to clarify what was unclear months before.  In any case, our situation is somewhat perilous, yet not desperate.  So, have we reached Chamber’s “table land” or “pinnacle”?

Well, my sense of the situation is that regardless of what it might be or how we got here, we’re here.  Where is my Master leading from here?  There is no blame to place nor is there something to be gained from trying to solve this dilemma by figuring out how we got here in the first place.  We’re here, where will we be in three-to-four weeks?  I’m not sure.  We may be still here.  But I have reached a place where I am sure that my Master knows.  What I am not doing is looking for someplace using all the means people use to find places.  That is bothering me at the back of my mind, but not as much as I suspect it should.  Packing is the same problem.  It tugs at the recesses of my mind, but not with the same nagging stress I normally encounter when I avoid something I should do that I don’t want to do.  I have recently felt the difference, and that makes it easy to compare the two.  So what does it mean?  It means that I need to be prudent to do what is necessary to prepare for what I see at this point, but not put too much emotional stock in what I can see from this point.  I sense that there is more than what I can see going on at the moment, I just can’t see it yet.

So, have I been invited to a higher ground to view things more as my Master sees them?  Possibly.  But it is also possible that my Master has simply granted my prayer for peace in this place at the elevation I currently rest.  It could be that I simply gaining a better view from where I am; that I am finally allowing the clouds of dust I have worked up over the years to settle, and now I can see the world around me more clearly.  I will need to let you know in a few weeks.  I will be desperately trying to hold on to this discipline through the next few weeks.  I will probably need this therapeutic practice even more as our situation progresses, and the revelation of my Master unfolds.  Will I have my fields ready when He brings the rains we have prayed for?  Ah, suspense does make for a good way to end a chapter does it not?

Oswald Chambers' "My Utmost For His Highest": March 27th.

Singular Purity in Vision, or Just Purity of Vision?

This is again, one of those entries that throws the responsibility of maintaining my relationship with my Master back squarely in my court.  I prefer the ones where the responsibility is all His and I get to enjoy the results, but unfortunately Scripture sides with Chambers on this one, quite plainly, or in this case clearly.

This is from the Beatitude which says, "Blessed are those pure in heart, because God they shall see."  The focus is on the purity, and the word is used in the sense of being made of one thing, like pure gold or pure water.  One the aspects of purity that always has been ironic (and therefore amusing to me) is that not everyone agrees on whether purity in things is good or if some additive adds preferable qualities.  For instance, pure water does not sell as well as water purified but with minerals added for flavor.  Gold is typically not pure because it is too soft without some other metal present to reduce malleability, and whatever is made from it is more easily preserved without scars and marks.  But it is not this way with my Master.

In Scripture, from beginning through the end, purity is a required quality.  It is inherent in my Master and is desirable in His servants.  In fact, the final act of my Master on behalf of His servants will completely purify them as if through fire where the final dross will be removed forever.  Purity will be our characteristic as well.  But right now I am not there.  One of the ways this comes out is in the Law as recorded by Leviticus.  In that book purity is taken to very strange extremes, extremes that scholars and students have tried to explain as rational.  Some can be, but others completely defy this attempt.  For anyone who likes clothes with a cotton wool blend, they would be breaking a law against wearing clothing made from two types of cloth.  Lindsey-Woolsey shirts are prohibited, cotton-wool blends are not for the chosen people of God.  The point here is not durability or comfort, it is purity, and only purity (or purely).

So, there are things I can do to maintain "ritual purity", but that is not what is meant here.  This word is actually the Greek root for catharsis, and refers to cleansing.  Uh-oh, clean up my act?  Pretty much, that is the point here.  See, Jesus paid a sin debt, which also functioned to purify me before my Master, and my spiritual connection to God in Christ Jesus is secured by Him.  But my experience of this connection can be hampered or limited by my failure to maintain a "cleanliness of character".  I feel the effects of this truth through waring emotions like guilt or shame, or guilt and shame.  Anger can be a warning sign that something is out of kilter.  But there are also more subtle signs that I have some cleaning up to do.  When I feel my "prayers are just bouncing around the ceiling and not reaching God," I probably have some clean up to do.  When I discover that I am very emotional, weepy at points which do not warrant such a response (OK, like crying at commercials or something), I probably have some cleaning to do.  But there are other indicators and clues as well.  These are signs that I have not been keeping my character pure and have some cleaning to do.

Fortunately, my Master has made provision for this as well.  He says in 1 John 1:9 that if I confess my sin, He is faith and just and will forgive my sin and purify me from all unrighteousness.  So the cleaning for which I am responsible has to do with searching for the dirt, and bringing it out before my Master.  Again, you may have noticed another function of this blog.  Sorry, but readers get to witness a ritual purification process of another.  I hope it helps whoever reads, but if not, you are free to read something else.  Perhaps the entry tomorrow will help more.  But I write these things for the purposes of making myself more available to my Master, for purification before Him, and not for the edification and encouragement of others.  That is a welcome byproduct, but not the root purpose.  I've said it before and it is still true. 

So, this is the 50 somethingth blog entry.  I guess it might be a good time to evaluate how it's going with the cleaning.  Looking back I see progress.  I see over the last two months a trail of improvement in my attitude and response to work, family, even traffic (crazy, I know!).  These improvements are clearly the effect of the work of my Master.  The experience of these improvements over the past few months happened over these past few months because He has more access to me now than He has had in the past 10 years.  That is really critical.  I am seeing the blessings of purity, seeing the handiwork of my Master, seeing my Master more clearly.  The pure in heart will see God, and the greater the purity, the better the view.  I like the view from here, but I admit, it is still dingy.  There is more scrubbing to be done, the windows are not yet clean.  More Windex please, or perhaps a mixture of vinegar and water. 

Be Good for "Goodness" Sake?

Today's devotional from My Utmost For His Highest is really an extension of yesterdays.  But it is a good extension.  It reminded me of something I used to say in my younger, perhaps more holy, days.  I used to tell the youth I worked with after I was in the Army that, "whatever you see in me that you don't like or is bad is the real me. Whatever you see that is good, right, and admirable is God in me, and not really me."  I said this because at that point of my life, I knew that I had this sin in my life, and that I did not let anyone into its existence.  But I also said that because I was very aware that my Master was at work in me, and was doing some pretty amazing things in and through me.  Those things helped me maintain this sense that I may not be perfect, but I was usable to my Master.  That was sometimes a sense of pride, sometimes a point of encouragement.

But somewhere along the way, I either heard or read that we should be proud of the good within, that the work of Jesus and His Spirit are the real us, and that we should take credit for those things, own them and respond with gratitude when others point them out.  Now I admit that I probably missed a very important point of whoever wrote/said that.  It is very possible that the person meant that we should be aware and proud of what God has done, not proud of ourselves.  But what I heard was somewhat askew from that.  Well, I bought into that perception way too deeply, and was brought into stark realization that I could not maintain any sense of being good enough or acceptable enough to my Master.  But I also took on the expectation I assumed others had of me that I be that good or acceptable to my Master.  I doubt they had that much expectation of me and were probably more aware of my foibles and weaknesses than I thought they were. 

In John 3:29, John the Baptist says that the one having the bride is the bridegroom (duh), and that the friend of the bridegroom, rather than jealous or competitive for the bride, rejoices at the joy of hearing the bridegroom while waiting for him.  This is how John saw himself in relation to Jesus.  He saw that his mission and work, and even popularity, was that of the friend of the bridegroom, rather than the bridegroom.  So, his joy was filled to overflowing that Jesus was getting more attention than him.  This must be my attitude as well.

When I was in ministry, one thing that seemed to work well for me was working with fringe members or people in the community or church life.  They were the people new to church, or new Christians, or for whom all the stuff of church had not sunk in or clouded their minds and hearts.  With these, I seemed able to work and make headway.  Church-people really didn't like me much, I seemed to make them uncomfortable.  I did that on purpose, but it also alienated me from them.  If you have read previous entries you might pick up on statements where I said I was afraid of them.  I was.  I was afraid that church people would see through me easier, and somehow find out I was not as "sinless" as I expected that they expected me to be.  I inferred from their implication that I was supposed to be perfect.  The problem is that I doubt they ever really implied that, I just inferred it.  Sure they wanted me to be without slavery to some secret sin, and would not have been overjoyed to know that I was, but they were astute enough to know that everyone sins.

Back to the success with fringe people, though.  There was something fresh about working with them that I was drawn to, and successful with.  They allowed me to be who I was without expecting me to be in the mold of "preachers".  They didn't know what that would be like.  I think they found me refreshing because I was not what they imagined preachers to be like.  And I had this identity with their distrust of the hypocrisy in church that they liked as well.  In some ways I was enabling of wrong perceptions, but in others ways I helped bridge the gap between lone devotion and corporate worship.  In either case, I still used that phrase claiming all my good was Jesus, all my bad was really me.  It was somewhere in the space after that ministry, in the midst of the clouds of depression, in the haze of self pity that I heard (or thought I heard) that I was good.

Honestly, anyone who has wrestled with Calvinism and TULIP theology has wrestled with this issue.  And Calvinism is not ambiguous in its view that humans are totally depraved.  So this was something I had traveled out of and back into several times, even during my ministry.  How depraved is total?  Is "depraved" even the right word here?  Total is total, and yes, it is the right word.  I am the friend of the bridegroom who is in the background of the pictures when I appear at all.  The good in me is truly Jesus and what His Spirit has done in my life.  The bad stuff is made up of remnants of my rebellion against Him.  My joy is found and experienced when who I am and what I do point people to my Master.  He is the One who makes anything good in me evident.  He does that because He wants to my weaknesses and frailties to point to His amazing power and grace.  He wants to display His power to use and do wonderful things with such fractured people.  He wants to encourage the world with the evidence of His grace which calls anyone in any circumstances to come to Him.  I am proof He chooses to use anyone.

So, I hope you read and are encouraged.  I hope you consider these things, and think of my Master's desire for you.  But I did not write this for you to gain this insight, but rather to confess that I am gaining it; that I don't already posses it, but I am gaining it.  It is the evidence of the grace and power of my Master which pulls me up from the ground toward the light of His Son.  He is the Master Farmer, I am the stalk of...whatever He planted.

Death by Co-Dependency

I have never thought of myself as a "soul-winner" as such.  I do not have a list of those I have led in prayer to faith in Jesus.  I know of some for whom their prop of atheism was dealt a healthy kick in a discussion we had, but I was not the one who led them to faith in Jesus, if it happened later at all.  People have drifted in and out of my life at times and I have not been a socially minded person who kept up with them.  But the question posed by Chambers this morning relates to being a hindrance to the work of the Spirit rather than a help.

The various ways that my Master gets the attention of people can be confusing, and sometimes frightening.  If that person is one He has set His sights on, and they fight the irresistible pull and call, their lives can become absolutely miserable.  The paths of destruction will continue until they submit to His sovereignty in their lives.  Often their conversions are dramatic and they have amazing testimonies, write books, go on speaking tours, and so on, calling on others to submit to God rather than suffer as they did.  But what would have happened if a well-meaning believer tried to intervene when disaster struck, to soften the blow, to be the one that they turned to instead of pointing to the Master?  Crazy says you?  Co-dependent says I, and brazenly common because of that.

I am in sales for a living.  I am somewhat successful at it for one reason only, I am a problem-solver at heart.  I like a challenge, and will use very creative means to connect the dots to solve problems I encounter.  One very bad side-effect of this is that broken systems don't get fixed because I keep the wheels from squeaking loudly.  The creative "Southern Engineering" I use to make it work only enables a system that needs attention from being attended to.  An effect I keep trying to create, but with only limited success, is dependence in my customers.  I want them coming to me for everything but milk and groceries.  I want them to think of me as one of their best assets to grow their businesses and adapt to changes in industry.  Well, that does not happen as often as I would like because I also help my sales team, so really, any one of us can now help them figure stuff out and get what they need.  Now it is more likely I hear from them when the "wheels" which were at first squeaky, have now come completely off.  I don't get sales credit for that.  I wanted to hear from them before someone else messed up their business systems so I could get sales credit for something that worked.

So what's the connection?  I am not unique in this approach to sales (rare, but not unique).  And it stems from a somewhat co-dependent approach to sales.  I want to rescue my company and keep the revenue coming so I "protect" a busted system by teaching the customer the work-around so the customer can go on their merry way, problem solved.  I also create an environment where my co-workers do not need to learn solutions to problems, I solve the problems for them, or direct them to the right area/person.  No need on their part to figure it out.  This is, again, a co-dependent work philosophy, and not a healthy one.  Where this connects to creating barriers for people to engage faith in my Master is when I try to smooth out the effects of their Resistance to Him.

I, like many, really am uncomfortable around the suffering of others.  There is this nagging sense of guilt or shame that I'm not the one suffering.  I'm not sure why I feel that way, or where the feelings come from, but I doubt it's very legitimate.  To ease that discomfort, I act to ease the suffering.  There are entire vocations and industries built on this very desire.  Sometimes they go off track and are more interested in the money possessed by the suffering than the suffer, but not always.  And I believe these industries are a benefit to our society (usually).  But when I, a servant to the Master of the universe, witness His work in the life of another which involves suffering, the solution is not an emotional band aid, aspirin, and antibiotic ointment.  The solution is to point them to the One managing their circumstances.  Sure, caring for the sick, the poor, the widows and orphans is good and necessary.  I'm for it, personally.  But I am also aware of my co-dependent streak which would also lead me to assuage my own emotional pain in the face of the suffering of others by pointing to myself as the solution rather than my Master.  Therapists refer to it as the difference between sympathy and empathy, terms I really do not understand very well.  The difference between them has to do with how much of the emotional baggage belonging to the client is taken on by the therapist.  Some identity with it is necessary and good.  Too much is frowned upon and typically bad for the client and the therapist.  Where's the line drawn?  That depends on the therapist and the client, but is usually fairly obvious to anyone outside of the relationship.

So, help = good; but enabling = bad.  Dependency on Jesus = good; but dependency on me = disaster, eventually.  I don't get to be God, and really, I don't want His job.  I am not very good at forming stars from vast clouds of hydrogen, so I would probably avoid that part of the job, and the universe would quickly fall apart.  Gravity baffles me, so again, I would not be able to hold everything together.  So, why then would I want to be God in the smaller, more pedestrian situations?  Because they are close enough that I fool myself into believing that I can control those.  I can't.  Today, I will let my team down, I will not protect my company's mistakes, and I will quietly point to the true Master of both.  Where will I be working tomorrow?  "Would you like fries with that?"

I Don't Get It...Or Do I?

Today, I am baffled by the devotion in My Utmost For His Highest.  What Chambers is talking about makes little sense to me.  I think I agree with a spot somewhere below the middle, but then I get lost again.  The point he is making is about carnality in my life.  But he states that no "natural man knows about it" and then that it comes from the conflict between the flesh and the Spirit where one "lusts" after the other.  It is at that point my eyebrows furrow and my eyes narrow, and my mind goes, "huh?"  He uses a capital S Spirit, so is referring to the Spirit of my Master who took up residence in me when I confessed Jesus as Lord and believed in Him as raised from the dead.  It is difficult to wrap my mind around the Spirit of my Master "lusting after" my flesh.  Seriously? Lusting? And after my flesh?

He continues into a monologue about setting the mind on the Spirit and not carrying out the deeds of the flesh, and I am no longer in 1 Corinthians 3:3 where he first references, and am now squarely in Romans 7 and 8.  In those chapters most translators do not necessarily agree whether the references to spirit are references to the Spirit of God which desires total influence over the person, or the spirit of the person which would the part of a person desiring to please the Master.  So, the confusion is not just here, but remains and is fairly common.  Chambers clearly falls on the side of the reference to the Spirit of God. 

So, the monologue continues into confession being a mark of the non-carnal believer.  What is going on here is that Chambers is referring to the response to conviction by the Spirit of God, the internal response.  In pyschological terms, it would be the question of responding versus reacting.  So, if I react to conviction from something I read in Scripture then I am being carnal.  If I respond in confession, then I am being spiritual.  After the confession it is my Master who makes the necessary change in me.  So this part I get, the first, not so much, and he looses me again at the end.

In the last paragraph he says that the proof that the "carnality" is gone is the surprise at my change in behavior or attitude.  Saying, "I would have been resentful over this in the past" or something like that is the indicator that carnality is leaving the body.  But isn't that a progressive experience rather than the mark of an event?  Or is it that carnality comes and goes?  If it does that, then does it ever truly leave or does it just go dormant?  Or is that a semantic question of little value? 

Either way, I agree with the reacting versus responding position as an indicator of whether I am being ruled more by the Spirit of my Master or my own silly passions.  And I suppose that being surprised by the changes that my Master is making in me would be evidence that, at least, my silly passions have less sway than they used to.  And I believe that I am experiencing that more lately than I have in a long time.  I have experienced more spiritual victory recently than I have at any other time in my past.  I think that is because I have a long way to go out of the spiritual hole I have dug over the last 20 years, but it's still progress up.  And progress up is good.  The credit goes to the Spirit of my Master, because my only part in this has been to make myself more available to Him.  The positive changes are His, and I have been recently surprised by them.

Part of what I have taken on as a responsibility on my part is the ritual actions of holiness (in a modern setting, rather than the ancient Temple setting).  These don't actually make me more fit for my Master, just make me more available to Him.  They don't make me qualitatively better than anyone else, just different.  They include the daily discipline of writing these blog entries, praying using the phrases, "You love me, You have my back, and I am at Your service."  The initials below my signature are part of it. These are just a few obvious ones, and as I said, they don't change me qualitatively, just make me more aware of my status before my Master on a more consistent basis.  In the blog I have confessed when my Master brings out deficiencies in my character and done so publically.  That helps me remain accountable to being submissive to Him in these areas.  I believe that actions of "ritual holiness" done right will look very different for different believers, so I don't recommend these particular ones for anyone else.  I found them when I sought the areas that my Master wants to grow me, and in response to those areas of growth, came up with actions I could take to increase my availability to my Master to bring about that growth.  If I were to make a recommendation (and I don't), that would be it.  My only recommendation is to love the Master.  The rest sort of falls out of that, whatever "the rest" might be.

Flying By the Seat of My Pants

When I was a younger adult, I had a sense of confidence that was fairly amazing.  And successes I enjoyed during this time taught me a very important lesson.  Often, confidence is the only thing I need going into a situation to come out successful.  But I also learned that sometimes it's not.  In my younger adult days I flew through life by the seat of my pants.  Now, this is not to say that I was reckless or random in my actions, it means that I went off my gut feelings of what I was supposed to do.  This morning, Chambers works from Luke 24:32 where the two disciples on the road to Emmaus say to each other, "Weren't our hearts burning within us as He spoke us, opening the Scriptures to us?"  He then gets at that "burning" within and how to respond to it.  He says go with it.

Now he points out that it is not something I can make happen, it is from the Holy Spirit.  I don't get to choose the timing of the burning.  Then he says to act on that emotion to the fullest extent, final conclusion.  But he also says to consider that conclusion first to determine ahead of time whether or not the emotion (burning in my heart) is really from the Spirit of God.  I often did the first, but not always the second.

Now I rarely do either.  But on the other hand, I rarely sense that burning in my heart from God's Spirit either.  I feel as if I have moved into the days of Samuel's boyhood, where a word from God was rare.  It isn't really, but my fear level is higher now.  It is somewhat because I have more to loose and more riding on me making the right decisions.  I have a daughter and a wife, who, believe it or not, like to have a house and food, and clothes (especially shoes for some reason).  Providing these things seems difficult if I am rash and just do whatever whenever.

While that may be true, what I forget when I am restrained by such fear is that my Master knows about those desires of my family and loves them even more than I do (shoes and all).  He does not only have my back, He has theirs as well.  That is a part of what is contained in my new statement in prayer, "and I am at Your service."  It declares that I am available to my Master regardless of the task.  I can say that only if I believe that He has control over the circumstances of my family as well as mine.

But fear is not my only enemy in determining to obey that "burning within" from my Master's Spirit.  The other piece of advice from Chambers is to consider the end-result of playing out the emotion.  I am not that great at that sort of pre-determination.  I say, "Oh, I hadn't thought of that" way too often to trust myself here.  But I have to.  I need to try to see ahead and determine whether the emotion burning within originates from my Master or myself (or the enemy).  Because if I don't check, and I because of that I don't act, I cut myself off from the purposes of my Master in my life.  These burning emotions, not expressed, will simmer at a low level in my life and burst out sideways.  Negative emotions as well as positive emotions left unexpressed can cause serious problems later.  I know that.  I still suffer consequences from this.  So, I see the need, and I need to fearlessly face it.

So, today, I will be open to the burning of the Spirit of my master in my life, should He bring it.  And I will consider the implications of expressing it.  And I will express it once I determine that it comes from my Master.  One practical way I can do this is one way I see these come on me.  I will sometimes be struck by an idea from a song or passage that plays on my mind and will not go away.  And while I am driving or just by myself, I will begin to formulate a sermon on it (as I once said, I believe I am a better preacher than pastor).  When those times come on me, I don't take the time to write the sermon out.  I know how, I just don't do it.  Perhaps that would be one way I could express such "burning within", at least that form.  I have a thumb-drive I keep with me most of the time, so there is no real reason I couldn't do this at work or home. 

So that will be one way I will seek to express the next "fire in my bones" as Jeremiah (another ministry buddy of mine) put it.  Perhaps if I like it, I'll post it.  Or perhaps, if it happens enough, I can make a new blog from them.  I'll bet they would be faster to read than if I preached them.  At least that has been my experience.  I am a preacher after all, so I am rarely without something additional to say.  Good day. :)

Am I One of Two Thieves?

In Galatians 2:20, my ministry buddy, Paul describes his life with Jesus in very interesting terms.  He has been crucified with Jesus Christ.  There is this identity with the publicly humiliating, personally debasing death Jesus died which I find hard to wrap my mind around.  But he continues, "...and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me;..."  This takes me once again into an area that I either do not understand or, if I do, I have never been able to go.  But he continues on, "...but what I now live in the flesh, in faith I live that of the Son of God..." There is a change here from what I am used to seeing or how I am used to reading passages on faith.  This is the faith "of", not faith "in".  The life lived is "in" faith, but the faith itself (and the passage is very specific here) is faith "of".  Even in English this has the ring of the possessive here.  Ownership of this faith does not belong to Paul, it belongs to Jesus, the Son of God.  This faith has been given to Paul as a result of this crucifixion and no longer living except by this imparted faith.  Or is it a result?  It doesn't put a "therefore" in there for that reason (pardon the optional pun).  Paul is not shy about using "therefore" so its absence may mean something.

What if this identity with such a publicly humiliating death, this odd half-life where I no longer live but Christ lives in me, this life lived in the faith belonging to the Person living in me is actually not a progression, but all part and parcel of, with, or in (pick whichever preposition you like) the same event.  That would really be nice.  I would love that tremendously because it would take this gnawing pressure off me that I am somehow responsible for being crucified along with my Master.  I admit that I'm not sure how to do that.  I figure that it has something to do with submitting the various areas of my life to my Master, but does it come after they are all submitted to Him?  If so, I have a long time to wait, because I am not naturally submissive, and have only just begun to add "and I am at Your service" to the intro to my prayers.  Or does it come in the process of submitting?  Is it a result which comes as I lay various pieces of myself that He points out on the altar that I am crucified with my Master?  If so, when does the life I no longer live except by imparted faith show up?

I also admit (my day for admissions) that this whole thing sounds like an attempt to be spiritually perfect.  Or at least like attained spiritual perfection.  While Paul is annoyingly consistent in his claim to be submitted to Christ Jesus, he doesn't ever claim to be perfect (which is good because Luke, and Paul himself, records evidence of interesting anger issues).  So what is this life of being crucified, of no longer living, of Jesus living within, yet of living in imparted faith?  What does it look like if not perfection?  And how do I get it if not a process of submission?  Perhaps the context of Galatians (one of the letters of Paul where his anger issues peek through) can shed some light here. 

Galatians 2:17 reads (in the NASB), "But if, while seeking to be justified in Christ, we ourselves have also been found sinners, is Christ then a minister of sin? May it never be!"  And this helps me.  The "if" here is not one of those which suggest it would never happen, but rather suggest it is likely.  In other words, Paul puts the context of his claim of a life where Jesus lives within him and he lives in the faith imparted to him by this Jesus within a statement that in the process of seeking righteousness through Christ he may likely be found to be a sinner.  And that this finding does not make Jesus a minister of sin, but rather belongs at his feet.  So, here is a man who understands he may be found a sinner as he lives, yet can also claim that he has been crucified with Jesus and that Jesus now lives in him, and that what he lives now he lives in faith which Jesus gave to him.  He can be both crucified, and living in this imparted faith, yet also be found a sinner? 

I think it is very obvious here that I do not understand this very well.  So, before I make claims I cannot substantiate I will own the boundaries of my understanding stop right behind this area I am now in.  I am in very strange country to me, and whatever is read here is my opinion as I sift through this passage seeking understanding, guidance, and to know my Master and my relationship with Him better.  And I may change my opinion later as I learn more.  But from what I have read, and from what I see from the context so far I say that this crucifixion happened for me, and that I now no longer live, but Christ lives in me, and that the life I now live in the body I also live in that faith which belongs to Jesus, my Master "...who loved me and gave Himself up for me."  I say that not to claim any sort of perfection, even in the sense of completion, because I throw myself on to the grace of my Master and claim that what I cannot do, where my abilities end is where His overwhelmingly conquer and take over.  I claim that this situation is true each day to the extent that I am not found to be a sinner, or rather to the extent that I do not find myself a sinner nor does my Master.  As I submit to Him, this truth becomes more true, but at no time does it become false. 

Having said that, I confess now that I feel unsettled.  This feels somehow incorrect.  So, do I trust my feelings?  As I said, I may change my opinion later.  I go to work out with a sadistic trainer, so I will get back to you on this.

So Close, But So Far Away

There was a point in my relationship with God when He would let me know things right when I needed to know them.  There was a time when the youth group I worked with suffered a traumatic hit, when one of our own was seriously injured and we feared he might die or be paralyzed for life.  Right as the news arrived (interrupting my Bible study...how rude is that), God assured me that he would be among us again in three months.  It seemed incredible, but I shared that strong impression with the group, we were encouraged and expectant, and we were together with him (at his house, not at our church property) in three months, holding that same Bible study.

At a critical juncture of our ministry schooling, my wife and I were considering options to study in California, her in her discipline, and I in mine.  One day, the seminaries did a presentation at our undergraduate school, and for whatever reason, I got the very strong, very clear impression we were supposed to go to Texas to both study at the same seminary.  This was a huge move for both of us, our families were not happy, yet all along the process, God confirmed this initial strong impression. 

I'm still waiting for the next one.  Now, the best information, the clearest message I have from Him is to wait, worship, and walk before Him.  Not to criticize my Master, but for those who claim to believe and follow Jesus, this command is a lot like a command to continue breathing.  It hurts my pride to receive such "marching orders" having in the past received much more clear and direct directions.  But there it is, my pride, hurt and wounded, instead of dead and buried.  I see I have a ways to go yet.  But where do I want to go? 

Oswald Chambers refers to one of my favorite stories in all of Scripture this morning, and that is what I want.  I want to negotiate with Yahweh face to face.  There cannot be a more dangerous, thrilling, gut-wrenching, make-me-want-to-barf-and-wet-myself-simultaneously kind of experience in all of human existence.  In this account, while Abraham is relaxing by the door to his tent waiting on lunch, up walks the ruler of the universe along with two others.  Abraham sees Him and immediately recognizes who He is (that may be my first hurdle right there).  Abraham arranges lunch, and the four discuss Abraham's future son, Isaac.  Then, as the three continue on, heading toward Sodom, the Ruler of the universe asks His two companions if He should disclose to Abraham what they are there for.  Once Abraham realizes they are there to destroy Sodom, he begins to negotiate the salvation of his nephew and his family.  That is one of the most exciting conversations recorded in Scripture.  I can only imagine Abraham's mouth going dry even as he asks again for more and more each time, knowing Who it is he is asking.  He is tactful, he is careful, he is progressive in each request, and it becomes apparent that he is beginning to try God's patience.  God is about to nuke an entire valley, and Abraham carefully negotiates for someone snared in the reprobate society of this detestable community; he was negotiating for the grace of God on behalf of Lot.

That is where I want to be.  I want to see God walk up and recognize Him as the Lord of the Cosmos.  I want to serve Him lunch, stand by Him as a good host, as I walk Him to the "car" to continue His journey, learn His purpose, and negotiate with the Most High.  Forget entertaining angels unaware, imagine entertaining Yahweh Himself!

But I have a long way to go for that.  It seems to me that I have a lot longer way to go than I used to.  It seems that my faith is not what it was, my conviction is not what it was, my insight and sensitivity to the prompting of the Spirit of God is not what it was.  Not as when I was a child, but much more recent when I was an adult.  Not as when I was uneducated and untried, but even as I trained and learned.  This was not that long ago.  But it was before my trauma at a church as I ministered.  Since then, it has not been the same.  I have not felt the same strength of impression.

Just last night my family watched one of my favorite movies, Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium.  One aspect of this movie that strikes to my heart is a statement right at the beginning.  While introducing one of the central characters, Mahoney, the store manager, it states that she stopped believing the things about herself she once did.  The comment on this is, "I don't know why adults stop believing what they did as kids.  I thought they were supposed to be smarter."  Now I know one of the reasons that this is funny is what underlies the entire movie plot, adults are more grounded in reality, which clearly does not apply in the movie (it's a movie, it can't present reality anyway, why try?).  I get that, it's fiction.  But that statement gets to the heart of this issue for me.  Why did I stop believing?  What started the doubt?  Was it a miscarriage?  Was it the final collapse of a ministry?  Was it a lost vision of my purpose and direction?  If it was that loss of vision, what brought that on?  Why did I grow up and grow deaf?  Why did my fear of reality distract me from the reality I followed and lived with before?  Where did things go so horribly wrong?  I want to know so I can go back and right that wrong in my life for now.  I need this fixed now.  I want to get back on the track I was on so I can progress beyond into that life where God might actually visit for lunch!  This is possible, this is doable, and I feel a strong sense of responsibility to get there.  But even as I delve into this desire to grow, I plow head-long into a wall of emotions that disable my thought, my reason, and clouds my ability to see clearly.  The morass of fear, shame, and pain forms a dirty film over the window of my soul.  I can't get at what I seek without some serious window cleaning.  I hope that is what this blog is for.  But time will tell what comes of my ability to clarify my sight with my Master.  In the mean time, does anyone have a squeegee I can borrow?

Mastering the Obvious!

My Grape Nuts are drowning out Sponge Bob in the next room, but it is still inescapable that the day has already begun.  I have a sprinkler valve to install in the back yard and then my day will move on to some other task to get the house ready to close.  But before all of that, I have to reach deep into the Spirit of God, as deep as He allows, and solidify the next point of my growth.

So far, I have been starting and sustaining my prayer time with the two statements, "You love me," and "You have my back."  It is now time to add a third.  In Hebrews, the writer (maybe Paul, maybe not) speaks of Abraham in Chapter 11 verse 8 and how he moved without knowing where he was going.  Chambers goes somewhere different that I expected with the verse.  He says that Abraham demonstrated his faith in God by separating himself from his family.  But Chambers differentiates this from holiness for some reason.  I don't think they should be.  It may not be the sanctification which God brings out in my life daily, but I believe it is part of it.  Either way, he points to the separation of Abraham from those elements of his life that would be distracting or obstructive to his relationship with his Master.  I believe that this concept and perspective on this verse gets at something that occurred to me after wrestling with holiness yesterday. 

First a comment on holiness.  I typically explain the concept of being holy as being "odd for God".  In other words, it refers to something unmistakably referring to God due to its difference from those things which do not.  Spoons look a lot alike, regardless of material they are made of.  But the particular use of a spoon can be ascertained by a few small hints, like size.  Big spoons are for serving food, smaller ones are for eating it.  Shiny spoons are for more formal occasions than plastic-ware.  So too, my life, even though it is shaped like a lot of other lives, should have some clues that indicate a purpose which originates from my Master.  Those clues constitute holiness.  Those I can handle, perfection I can't.  So I am responsible for some of those clues, and other no so much.  Some are fruit of my Master's Spirit within me, and some are made up of my own choices of what I will and will not do, where I will and will not go, and priorities for my time. 

Now the element that has been missing in those initial statements follows naturally from the effects of them.  To state to my Master that, "You love me" is to accept that He accepts me radically, not on my own merit but on His sovereign choice.  The point with that statement is to activate the effects of unfathomable grace from my Master.  The second statement, "You have my back" drives home that I can trust my Master completely.  Regardless of my life circumstances, the important elements of eternal things remains secure.  As Paul points out so clearly in Romans 8, nothing can separate me from the love of God in Christ Jesus; nothing at all.  So, from grace I move to faith, faith that liberates me from the fears which bind me to the chains of this world, and do so without purpose or benefit.  Now on to the next step, the next phrase I declare to my Master is, "and I am at Your service."  Hmm. How long it has taken to get to this point, and why so long? 

I responded to the struggle accepting the unqualified acceptance of God with shame.  I knew implicitly that I could not earn such acceptance, so I hid, like Adam in the garden, I hid with leaves as large as I could find.  But in hiding, the shame only grows.  I know I am not what I appear to be to those around me and I fear what will happen when I am discovered.  The shame fueled a sinful life focused on self, seeking to medicate the pain which is the festering ache of shame, an inescapable result of accumulating vast pools of shame in the vacancies of my life.  The statement as I seek the face of my Master, "You LOVE me" cut through high dams blocking the reservoirs and released the shame I used as fuel for my self-centered sin.  They were so extensive that this statement was necessary first.  I had to come to terms with the way my Master sees me and accept that what is true is His perspective of me. I had to accept it without the benefit of understanding or being able to explain it.  He is sovereign and He chose me, I don't know why me.

After working through the radical acceptance of my Master, I found that my sinful habits were still a problem.  They may have originated from those pools of shame, and they were also sustained by other things.  I probed again beneath the surface of my life and found fear lurking in the dark recesses of my character.  I was afraid and those fears directed various elements of my life, like relationships with others.  Now from grace I launched into a fearless addressing of my personal security.  I pursued the underlying basis of these ridiculous pretensions, and found a sense where I had learned that I am responsible for my own security.  But there was this inescapable understanding underlying such an expectation that I could NOT control my environment sufficiently to protect myself.  It was a silly expectation that I somehow be able to keep myself, and then my family, and then my friends safe.  It was not possible.  I had no control over my environment, only over my response to it from within it.  I was placed in this terrarium by my Master and it belongs to Him.  So, I came to the only reasonable conclusion that I had to trust (have faith in) the One who owned and maintained this environment I live within.  So, from grace I traveled into faith.

Now I am finding that the struggles I face are more simple behavior and attitude problems; much like everyone else I suppose, but new for me.  In the entries to this blog, I have bandied about the idea of service, pointed to the need of it, the foundation for it, the many varied ways I have messed it up in the past, and so on.  The next step for me is to practice the marks and clues to my different purpose and use through service to my Master.  I need to move from grace, through faith, into submission.  I need all these elements, I need them to flow from one to the other.  For me to reverse them will create the same repetition of problems I faced in my previous attempts.  I will serve for wrong reasons out of a grace-less, fear-ridden, sense of unobtainable obligation.  Oh, and I will need to do so with joy.

So, I will begin my times with my Master, and my reconnections throughout the day with three phrases instead of two.  "You love me, You have my back, and I am at Your service."  Well, the sprinkler refuses to fix itself, and the grass is dying.  I consider that a calling from God through the circumstance He has placed me in, and I will serve my Master today by doing the quality of work I would do for someone who paid me up front, which He has.  After that, I will continue to serve my family, my friends, my Master in whatever ways He leads me.  I will enjoy the smile of my Master, even when I fail, or even when I reveal my foibles.  I will enjoy the radical acceptance of my Master as I serve, trusting that He has my back, that He connects the dots in my work that I can't even see or haven't found yet.  So, my new, over-arching task is to master the obvious, service to my Master.

Being the Dish I Wash

I have a problem.  If you've been following this blog for any time, you would agree that is an understatement.  I have a host of problems, but I want to focus on one in particular today, that I tend to minimize or ignore.  Readers may have already picked up on it, so if it's obvious already...well, get over it.  It's new to me.

I have been neglecting my responsibility to cleanse myself and perfect or complete holiness in myself.  I should be doing this in fear of my Master.  As my ministry buddy, Paul, says in 2 Corinthians 7:1, as a result of the promises lined out in chapter 6, I should purify or cleanse myself (go through catharsis, which could also be emotional cleansing), and perfect or complete holiness in fear of God.  There is not a lot of wiggle room or gray area in this statement.  The promise in chapter 6 is the adoption by God which, as Paul puts it, God has already done.  So the cleansing and completing of holiness is in response to a promise we trust has already been completed on God's part.  Sounds good, doesn't it?  I'm not working to gain the promise, I'm working in gratitude for having the promise already.

I seem to not be all that honorable a receiver of the promise.  Having received the adoption by my Master, I then have not purified myself and do not consider holiness to be completed in me.  I have not done this in fear of my Master.  I still lust, I still speak negatively about someone without knowledge, I still consider hone my sarcasm and cynicism regularly.  These are not the actions which increase holiness, but rather the opposite.  These actions make me look like everyone else, and that means common or profane (in the sense as not set apart for special use by a deity, not in the sense of cussing or something).  Because these terms which are antithetical to holiness are so often used for using "bad" or four-letter words, the application of them to daily life is lost.  But it is actually more appropriate to use them for daily living than my language.  If I use a lot of "colorful" language, I don't talk like everyone else, I don't hear that language at work.  But if I act with a cynical attitude, then my attitude does look like those who have no relationship with Jesus, and that is profane, common, or vulgar, in their actual meanings.  They have been vilified to the point of uselessness in the development of holiness.

It would be great if I could blame my lack of holy development on semantics of antithetical terms, but I can't.  I may not be able to use those antithetical words for what I do normally, but I still understand that my actions and attitudes are not holy.  I know that my words and terms are more like the world I live in rather than my home world of Heaven.  I know those facts even if those around me do not.  That they do not notice anything different about me is what speaks volumes in support of my point.  I am not holy if there is nothing appreciably different about my demeanor than the agnostics, practical atheists, and utilitarians I work with.  If my actions do not declare that I know God exists, or I give the impression that I simply go with whatever works regardless of moral implications, then I cannot be distinguished from those categories of people around me who have no practical daily working relationship with the Master of the universe.  That's not an opinion, that is true by definition of holiness, of agnostic, of practical atheist, of utilitarian, and therefore of me when I fit those other definitions. 

I may not actually be those things, but no one knows my true character unless my actions support that character and make it known.  I may have been adopted by the Master of all space, time, and matter.  But it is a grand secret I keep until I perfect holiness in fear of God.  Perhaps I have tasted and seen that He is God, but if I keep it a secret, then I have not ritually purified myself for the special use of this One I serve (or am supposed to be serving).  If some random person were to survey my co-workers regarding my beliefs, would they be able to point to actions and attitudes on my part that support what they may suspect from sporadic claims I have made in the last five years?  Or would their answers approximate something more like, "Well he said that he believes in Jesus, but..."  Whatever follows the but is the verifiable part, and is more real in their minds than any claim on my part. 

Today, I will attempt to cleanse my mind, my attitudes, my actions, my speech from cynicism, sarcasm, and curb my imaginations desire to jump to conclusions without knowledge.  I will seek today to be more available to the special use of my Master.  Boy this will take a lot more than a shower.

Curly's Secret to Life: Just One Thing

In the movie, City Slickers, the old crusty dangerous trail boss, Curly, has a secret to life: "One thing, you figure out what that is, and all the rest don't mean..." well, that's why the movie was PG, not G.  Anyway, Paul has a similar philosophy, but he discloses what that "one thing" is supposed to be.  In 2 Corinthians 5:9 my familiar ministry buddy, Paul says that we strive with gusto to be pleasing to our Master.  First off, context that provides the motivation is the knowledge and preference to be before the throne of the Master, in other words, we're all going to die.  Second, the response is an intensified form of just striving, or having a goal in mind.  Whether alive or gone on to heaven, we want to be pleasing to our Master, so says Paul.

This sounds great, but once again, my buddy Paul refuses to support the model of ministry I pursued.  Because of my weakened self perception (not one of total acceptability through the grace of my Master) I sought to prop that self-perception with the praise of people.  People at a church, any church, are not the best place to find such a prop.  This is espcially true for the one out in front, leading through this life with our Master.  For whatevery reason, the one in this position really become a target for derision rather than a beacon of hope or something else positive.  There are plenty of examples of this, one of my favorite is Moses, who is constantly providing both his Master and his people reminders that he is an imperfect human leader.  While the people of Israel may praise him now, and sing his acolades in every synagogue around the globe today, they had a real problem following him in the wilderness.  Proof after proof was provided, and still they challenged his leadership or fitness to lead.  Tough gig.

In my attempt to lead, my focus left the one Paul describes.  If I had sought only to be pleasing to my Master, not trying to be "accepted" but pleasing to Him, there would have been a lot I would have done differently.  My attitude sure would have been different.  And I did try this over and over.  I did seek to acquire and live out this attitude of being accepted already, just trying to please Him, but I could not disconnect pleasing Him from being acceptable.  I still sought to earn a place before Him, having already been freely given that place, and called to walk about in it.  So, the pain and shame I felt from not accepting that I was already accepted I medicated with my favorite smelly dog-toy of a habbit.  The habbit fed my shame, and this cycle kept me from really being a pastor that these people needed.  I have no idea if I could have made a difference in their lives, but I do know that the experience would have been very different for me.  My pain at their rejection would not have devestated me as it did.  My shame at failing at my calling would not have kept me from it for so long, or at all.  I may not have left in the first place.  I don't know what specifically would have been different, and not much good can come of guessing, I just know that it would have been different.

So what about now?  Now I still have the challenge to make pleasing Jesus my "one thing."  I still can, this morning, change from pleasing whoever for whatever reason to pleasing only my Master for the amazing gift of already being accepted as I am.  I can't change or even make up for mistakes of focus in the past.  But I can change today.  Even with the mistakes in the past, I am still accepted today.  That lack of focus because of a perceived lack of acceptance did not negate my acceptability before my Master.  Can you accept that?  I think I can, but it is a real stretch of my imagination.  It will take practice, and I should begin (or continue) today.  Who cares what others think except the Other who is my Master?  If He ain't happy, don't much matter who else might be.  If I can't focus on pleasing Him, then there is really no point to trying to please others.  Well, now it's time to exercise this body to the tune of 20 minutes with Jillian Michaels.  But I don't have to meet her expectations or those of my wife and daughter, only my Master.  He will accept me regardless of how strong my body is or how dedicated I might be to some physical regemine.  But here I go anyway.

The Coming Court Appearance

I have had some well-meaning believers tell me about the "7 Thrones of Judgement" or some other theological perspective, and typically in it, we bypass judgement or it is somehow different for us.  Frankly I doubt it.  I see different descriptions of judgement, but I suppose them to be different descriptions of the same thing.  I do believe that once judgement has been completed, that the irony of existence will be this book in which are the names of those who have had faith in Jesus.  The deeds will be weighed, but only those whose names are in the book will be found in heaven.  I call this an irony because the first part is very much like what other religious views hold.  Be good and God will pay attention to your deeds.  But the result is extremely different.  There will be no "scale" to weigh the heart, no balance to determine if good outweighed bad in my life, and no accountant to inventory my store of actions to find a final value of goods.  Instead, it will be like court today.  We will be either guilty of breaking God's law or not (I'm guessing guilty), and then, when the punishment is meted out, suddenly this separation between sheep and goats takes place, the wheat from weeds, or whatever.  It will be the roll call from the book which sets apart those who will be getting into Heaven, not their guilt or innocence before God (since we are all guilty).  One court appearance.

I believe that I mentioned before that in that court appearance it is rigged my way.  My defense attorney is the Son of the Judge, and my Counsel has already taken the punishment I have worked so hard to obtain on Himself.  So, yes, I'm guilty, but, no, I don't receive punishment, I receive admittance to Heaven.  I win, and that feels so great.  But there is still the court appearance.  My failure and guilt will still be reviewed in court, and the accuser of humanity will still have his go at me.  I will have my day in court, and it will end well, but be gruelling to endure while to goes on.

The reality I must face each day is that what everyone I work around, live around, sit around, and breathe around will some day get a front-row seat to see exactly what I was thinking while around them.  That day in court will be the end of secrets, of lies, of pretense, of every prop, rotten or whole, I have used to appear other than I am.  The magic show of slight-of-hand, mirrors, misdirection, and illusion will be over.  I will finally appear just as I am to the world in which I lived.  I guess, but do not know, that this audience will also include those around this globe who never knew me, but were somehow affected by what I did or failed to do on their behalf, whether pray, or contribute cash, or go to them as I was sent by my Master.  Yes, I fully expect to be ashamed on that day of what will finally be known about me.  My hope is that, after the first couple of hours of reviewing my failures, the audience will loose interest and break out their ethereal smart phones, hand-held games, or whatever and stop listening to my shameful list of deeds.  Not much chance of that, but still, I can hope. 

So, how about today?  Sure, I have years of failures to fill the pages of court documents for hours, days, probably weeks on end.  But will I continue to fill those sheets today?  Oh, probably.  But perhaps I can slow down the writers cramp of whichever angel was tasked with recording todays rebellious acts.  Perhaps, today, this servant of the Most High God will have less to record than yesterday.  What if I were more obedient, less rebellious, and listened to my Master throughout the day?  There would be one happier recorder of deeds (what a job, how depressing).  Today, I will again seek that respite in the afternoon to appear before the throne of my Master, and worship Him, to reset my attitude, and continue through the remainder of my day with Him in the front of my mind, not the back part.  Today I will try and make less work for the heavenly court reporter tasked with my day.  But I will also keep in mind the gratitude for the assurrance that all my failures cannot keep me from what my Master has prepared for me in Heaven.  That's a huge relief.  It takes a lot of the pressure off trying to be perfect.  But I will still make the attempt.  Someone will be pleased by that I'm sure.

A Third Sort of Fear of God

When I am told not to be terrified of God, but rather reverence Him, I just chuckle and shake my head.  Clearly those who say such things have never really met God face to face.  To do so is to need to change ones pants.  But until today, I had only considered those two options.  Today, I have discovered a third sort of fear of God.  It's not an earth-shattering discovery, it was there all along, and some might consider it in one of the two categories of either reverence or terror.  I discovered it in Mark 10:32.  After Jesus has kicked out another prop of their assumptions by claiming it was tough for the rich to get into His Kingdom, He leads them on the road to Jerusalem, and the ones who witnessed this are amazed, and the ones following Him are afraid.

This third fear is one that comes as the realization strikes home that Jesus is not Who I assumed He was.  He has refused to fit my assumptions, my paradigm, my desires for Who He should be, my underlying interpretive grid through which I filter Scripture and life events, basically everything that is of me and my ability to reason Him into a manageable box or framework (like this whole Trinity thing).  This fear is the result of the fracturing and collapse of all that rotten wood, bailing wire, and duct tape I had been using as a container for the Maker of the universe.  When I state it that way, the stupidity of the thing is really obvious, but in the process of constructing the facade, it seemed reasonable to have some "handles" to grasp in understanding this God loving me and calling me into a relationship with Him.  It made the relationship a bit safer to accept and walk into.

And then, with a shutter and crash, the facade came down, and out stepped this Person for whom I was not ready.  Scripture painted a word picture of some Person, and as the line began to form, my paradigm began to crumble.  The Shining One of Bronze robed in white, the One seated on a throne of crystal, The One surrounded by terrifying winged creatures with tongs and burning coals, was hard enough to accept.  But then He pours out wrath on His people and destroys Jerusalem with pagans, who raze it for 40 days committing atrocities against the inhabitants.  Yet this is after over 400 years of warning, so even in the abundance of wrath is patience.  This One kills, destroys, punishes, and liberates.  Yet in the liberation He does not restore the former glory, but keeps those contained in a small, off-the-beaten-path city-state of Judah.  And then, after strife with invaders once again, after self-rule, and then the invitation to the Romans to throw off the native rule, in the midst of the frustration and chafing with that choice, this same God then breaks into the history of His human creatures, entering time and space to live, act, and, eventually, die.  To do so is weird, but to do so to make it possible for those creatures to relate to Him is weirder.  What problem does the slaying of Your One and Only Son fix?

I thought it paid the debt for my sin, which, in part, it did.  I thought it appeased the wrath of God stacked against me, which, in part, it did.  I thought that, with the suffering and death of Jesus, I could now relate to God, which, in part, is true.  But even combining all these truths together does not exactly get the whole picture of what happened, what Jesus was heading into on that road to Jerusalem.  Why were these guys afraid.  He had just challenged a rich guy to give it all up and follow Him (which was an offer He did not make very often), and that rocked their world view, and then He heads to Jerusalem, the home of those trying to kill Him.  He is getting rid of those who would help and be influential in a conflict instead of gathering them together.  He is heads off to Jerusalem as if He is anxious and in a hurry to get into that conflict they know is coming.  What is up with this guy?  Is He crazy?  Is He going to get us killed?  So, they follow, but with fear and some reservations.  This is the third fear.

This fear may not last long, only until the false props and facade are completely gone; just in time for Him to begin work on another set of props and facade.  I read four accounts of His death, and when I get to number four, the questions from the other three are answered in ways that crumble my own props and facade.  He goes to His captors, and even though they fall over He gets everyone up and moving; He has a date with a destiny no one understands but Him, and He will not be late.  He goes, leading those who are to lead Him away.  He goes willingly, even anxiously, in a hurry to get into it.  I read of the One in the garden Who prays to have the cup pass from Him, but not His will, but the Father's.  I read this and wonder what that was about, what was going on in Him, hearing sermons stating one thing or another, making it only crystal clear that no one really understands that.  And then, in John, He goes out to them, He faces them, and they fall back, to the ground.  These are not the actions of One who is afraid or unsure.  What was happening there in the garden before that day of His torture and execution?  I am afraid, because what I mean when I say those words, please let this cup pass from me, are not what He means.  I am afraid because this One does not fit my understanding of how things work, what my Master wants, nor Who my Master even is.  I am afraid because He heads into the most horrific experience I can imagine as if He is looking forward to it.

What is the wrath of God poured out on me?  Isn't it eternal separation from Him in the fires of Hell?  Is it the flames or the separation that make up the real punishment?  Is it the distance from that which has been permeated by the Maker of the Universe which truly constitutes Hell?  If so, then what was Jesus running headlong into?  Was it fire or something much more devastating?  Could it have been something the likes of which I cannot wrap my mind around?  Did this quality of God which is impossible to explain change on the cross of the execution of God?  Did something happen that cannot be accepted by my paradigms, props, and facades around God?  The person I fear suffered my well-earned wrath so I wouldn't have to.  And that wrath which was suffered separated the One who was the One and Only Son of God, Part 2 of the Trinity, the Agent of Creation, the Bright and Morning Star, Prince of Peace, King of Kings from His Father.  The earth shook, the ground split open, graves gave up their dead, and the separating veil in the temple was torn in two.  But while all that was pretty impressive, what really happened was not seen, nor felt by anyone but the Master of the universe, Maker of stars and galaxies.  He alone felt and suffered the effects of that wrathful event.

Yeah, I fear, and my assumptions about God are a shambles.  I had a comfortable set of handles to understand my Master, and He shattered them.  He refuses to do what I expect.  I fear because I know that I truly do not, nor cannot know Him.  He will never fit my frame-work.  He will never conform to my level of  understanding.  I know that intellectually, but discovering it experientially is shocking and terrifying.  It is the third fear, somewhere between reverence and terror.  This third fear lies low, and simmers in the depths of my mind, just out of reach of conscious reason, the necessary pieces for understanding are too few.  And so I just endure the problem of this fear until He finishes removing the debris of my former understanding.  This is not what I had expected while waiting, it's an odd form of worship, and it's not comfortable to walk about before One Whom I fear without understanding.