When I read the words of Paul, every once in a while, his anger peeks through. In this entry I sense some of the anger of Chambers. What it takes to make prayer personal private worship is seeking the Person I depend on to answer the petition. I get that. That resonates with me because I too have thought some prayers, my own prayers, have lacked the conviction needed to really be directed at my Master. They were not prayers of faith, but had that reservation that revealed I was not sure either He was actually there, or was there but not going to answer.
In the movie, The Shadowlands, the character of C.S. Lewis is being chided for his beliefs by a colleague, and he replies, “I don’t pray to change God, I pray to change me.” For some reason, even though I saw that movie long after I should have understood that, I was struck by how much that did not characterize my prayers. Since then I have tried to instill within my prayers that sense of being conformed to my Master, not the other way around. But I confess it is difficult sometimes. For me, the most common reason for difficulties has been shame. At points in my life, the vast pools of shame have so engulfed my soul that I just stopped praying. What was the point? I was never going to gain the ear of God since I am so lousy. But instead of driving me to repentance, it simply reinforced the feelings of shame and I used it to fuel (and protect) my sinful habits. It was an excuse to sin.
At other times, I have struggled with my prayers feeling like they do not reach my Master; and not for reasons of sin (weird that I would have such bouts of clarity isn’t it?) which I usually sense fairly easily. During these times, I have learned to rest in my Master’s presence, trusting that what I cannot feel is true nonetheless. Most of these times, once the music of worship begins to swell in my heart, the clouds of my vision clear, and I see Him where He has been all along. Sometimes I just rest without necessarily seeing Him, trusting in what I know rather than what I feel.
Whether it is sin or my feelings that screen my sense of the immanence of my Master, these things rarely have much to do with my work of intercession. That work is hindered in me by my self-centered heart. I am wrong when I do not intercede. I can think of people for whom to intercede. I work with them. I can think of situations where the work of my Master is desperately needed (for instance Japan needs Him now from the earth quake as much as in the days of the great world war). It’s not hard to fill my prayers with needs of others. I’m not sure why I don’t, other than I don’t want to be bothered. Perhaps this is one of those situations where I feel a sense of shame that it is not me suffering. Or maybe it is too far away. But what of those close to me? This excuse does not work very well. I am wrong when I do not lift the ones my Master has made me aware of to Him in intercession. Am I too busy? That is probably more callous than it sounds. Do I feel inadequate? Of course I’m inadequate, that’s why I go to my Master! Am I too lazy? That would imply that I do not work hard, but there are things for which I do, so I’m not lazy, but selective to what I give my energy. Again, that is probably very callous.
Well, further confession seems silly. I’m going to go pray now. You may be included. Busy, busy, busy.
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