Evaluating the Call of God?

Paul, once again, anoys me with his crazed sold-out devotion to Jesus.  In Acts 20:24, in his speech to the elders of Ephesus, he says that he doesn't consider his life (soul) as valuable so that he can complete his run, the ministry or service witnessing the grace of God which he took from Jesus.  So, in terms of doing the thing he was called to do, he does not value his own soul.  Is this supposed to be my model for service to my Master?  Isn't the gratitude for the salvation of my soul the whole motivation for serving in the first place?  If I don't consider it valuable, then how grateful would I be to God for saving it?

I intentionally miss the point there.  I don't want this model, so I missconstrue what Paul intends here.  I don't want to set aside the things of me so I can be totally focused on the things of God.  I don't particularly relish the idea of being so singular in intent that consideration of myself is not an option I consider, or that even occurs to me.  That sort of radical devotion to one thing scares the willies out of me.  I loose control, I loose myself into something else, I become completely identified with someone else, and I am not even aware that I no longer exist in a sense. 

What about my family?  What about the practical matters of eating and somewhere to sleep?  What about the future on this earth when I am supposed to be retired or something like that?  What happens to plans to go and do for fun?  Am I supposed to so focus on Jesus and His service that all these other elements to my life are no longer valuable to me?  Would my daughter grow up considering herself valuable or would this damage her self-esteem?  Would she see my life and want that same devotion to Jesus I have? 

I don't know, and this sort of radical devotion would have to be OK not knowing.  Can I be OK not knowing about the care of my family, practical living matters, the future, plans for fun, or my identity?  Right now, I have not reached that point of devotion to Jesus, and the imagination of what that would be like still scares me tremendously. 

But isn't this really a matter of faith that Jesus is Who He says He is?  If He is, then I should be able to trust that He loves my family more than I do.  If He is, then I should be able to trust that where I live and what I wear or what I eat are things He provides.  If my Master is truly the Person He claims, then my daughter is really His child, my wife is His child, my future is secured in His heaven, and it is the pagans who run after these things, not His children.  If I were to be abandoned radically to a cause, like the kooks in the Middle East who kill large amounts of people and themselves, or like famous people who have been killed because they were making a difference, or missionaries, or martyrs, or __(fill in the blank yourself)___, can I find a better more rewarding cause than Jesus?  Don't I win more by loosing myself into Him?  Of course yes.  I have to say yes, I claim to be a believer and follower of His, how can I say anything else?  I go to church, I can't have those people thinking that I may not be completely devoted to Him.  How embarassing. 

But the reality is that I am scared.  I am afraid for those things Jesus said I am not to be worried about.  I do fear loosing myself, and I don't even particularly like myself.  I know that I am not supposed to run after what I will wear or eat or where I will live, but I do.  I call those concerns practical, and justify them as being prudent.  And then I read of Paul's devotion to Jesus, and all my facades of faith snap their rotten props, and I have to acknowledge that I am not the devoted obedient servant Jesus has called me to be.  At least I am not devoted on the level that Paul was.  Can I be?  If I abandon myself to my Jesus as he did, will my life circumstances really change that much? 

There is a book called Radical: Taking Back Your Faith from the American Dream by David Platt.  I didn't like that book for the same reasons I don't like Paul.  I am challenged on a level I would rather avoid.  The difference with this book is that there is a challenge in it that I know I can do.  There would be no pretending that the example of Paul is out of reach, this challenge in the book is laid out in a practical obtainable but challenging way.  It would not be easy, but I can see that it is attainable.  I hate that.  It doesn't leave me with those comfortable excuses that allow me to remain where I am as I am.  How rude is that?  Right now, in following what I believe to be the direction Jesus is leading my family and I, we are in some upheaval that makes the challenge impractical.  But the existance of it plagues the edges of my mind, my awareness, and shades my view of the world I thought I knew.  It really is anoying.  If you are happy with where you are and what you are doing DON'T READ THIS BOOK!  After reading it, you probably will not be happy with where you are and what you are doing. 

Today, I will seek again to touch base with my Master again later in my day.  I will seek the serenity that comes from resting in Him on the way through traffic.  I will abandon my desires to achieve and progress at work at His feet, and just do the work.  I will seek to be a conduit of the blessings I have received from Him to those I work with.  I will seek to be different from the unbelievers around me, and oddly Christ-like.  It's just that all these things are things I don't do, but rather, happen when Jesus' Spirit brings them out of me.  I just need to willing and open and compliant to His extraction process.  I think I can do that much today, letting the Spirit of my Master extract His qualities out of me.  The radical stuff may have to wait until later in the year. 

I don't know about you, but this wears me out.  I could use a nap or another coffee.  Let me see, where did I put my straight jacket?