So Close, But So Far Away

There was a point in my relationship with God when He would let me know things right when I needed to know them.  There was a time when the youth group I worked with suffered a traumatic hit, when one of our own was seriously injured and we feared he might die or be paralyzed for life.  Right as the news arrived (interrupting my Bible study...how rude is that), God assured me that he would be among us again in three months.  It seemed incredible, but I shared that strong impression with the group, we were encouraged and expectant, and we were together with him (at his house, not at our church property) in three months, holding that same Bible study.

At a critical juncture of our ministry schooling, my wife and I were considering options to study in California, her in her discipline, and I in mine.  One day, the seminaries did a presentation at our undergraduate school, and for whatever reason, I got the very strong, very clear impression we were supposed to go to Texas to both study at the same seminary.  This was a huge move for both of us, our families were not happy, yet all along the process, God confirmed this initial strong impression. 

I'm still waiting for the next one.  Now, the best information, the clearest message I have from Him is to wait, worship, and walk before Him.  Not to criticize my Master, but for those who claim to believe and follow Jesus, this command is a lot like a command to continue breathing.  It hurts my pride to receive such "marching orders" having in the past received much more clear and direct directions.  But there it is, my pride, hurt and wounded, instead of dead and buried.  I see I have a ways to go yet.  But where do I want to go? 

Oswald Chambers refers to one of my favorite stories in all of Scripture this morning, and that is what I want.  I want to negotiate with Yahweh face to face.  There cannot be a more dangerous, thrilling, gut-wrenching, make-me-want-to-barf-and-wet-myself-simultaneously kind of experience in all of human existence.  In this account, while Abraham is relaxing by the door to his tent waiting on lunch, up walks the ruler of the universe along with two others.  Abraham sees Him and immediately recognizes who He is (that may be my first hurdle right there).  Abraham arranges lunch, and the four discuss Abraham's future son, Isaac.  Then, as the three continue on, heading toward Sodom, the Ruler of the universe asks His two companions if He should disclose to Abraham what they are there for.  Once Abraham realizes they are there to destroy Sodom, he begins to negotiate the salvation of his nephew and his family.  That is one of the most exciting conversations recorded in Scripture.  I can only imagine Abraham's mouth going dry even as he asks again for more and more each time, knowing Who it is he is asking.  He is tactful, he is careful, he is progressive in each request, and it becomes apparent that he is beginning to try God's patience.  God is about to nuke an entire valley, and Abraham carefully negotiates for someone snared in the reprobate society of this detestable community; he was negotiating for the grace of God on behalf of Lot.

That is where I want to be.  I want to see God walk up and recognize Him as the Lord of the Cosmos.  I want to serve Him lunch, stand by Him as a good host, as I walk Him to the "car" to continue His journey, learn His purpose, and negotiate with the Most High.  Forget entertaining angels unaware, imagine entertaining Yahweh Himself!

But I have a long way to go for that.  It seems to me that I have a lot longer way to go than I used to.  It seems that my faith is not what it was, my conviction is not what it was, my insight and sensitivity to the prompting of the Spirit of God is not what it was.  Not as when I was a child, but much more recent when I was an adult.  Not as when I was uneducated and untried, but even as I trained and learned.  This was not that long ago.  But it was before my trauma at a church as I ministered.  Since then, it has not been the same.  I have not felt the same strength of impression.

Just last night my family watched one of my favorite movies, Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium.  One aspect of this movie that strikes to my heart is a statement right at the beginning.  While introducing one of the central characters, Mahoney, the store manager, it states that she stopped believing the things about herself she once did.  The comment on this is, "I don't know why adults stop believing what they did as kids.  I thought they were supposed to be smarter."  Now I know one of the reasons that this is funny is what underlies the entire movie plot, adults are more grounded in reality, which clearly does not apply in the movie (it's a movie, it can't present reality anyway, why try?).  I get that, it's fiction.  But that statement gets to the heart of this issue for me.  Why did I stop believing?  What started the doubt?  Was it a miscarriage?  Was it the final collapse of a ministry?  Was it a lost vision of my purpose and direction?  If it was that loss of vision, what brought that on?  Why did I grow up and grow deaf?  Why did my fear of reality distract me from the reality I followed and lived with before?  Where did things go so horribly wrong?  I want to know so I can go back and right that wrong in my life for now.  I need this fixed now.  I want to get back on the track I was on so I can progress beyond into that life where God might actually visit for lunch!  This is possible, this is doable, and I feel a strong sense of responsibility to get there.  But even as I delve into this desire to grow, I plow head-long into a wall of emotions that disable my thought, my reason, and clouds my ability to see clearly.  The morass of fear, shame, and pain forms a dirty film over the window of my soul.  I can't get at what I seek without some serious window cleaning.  I hope that is what this blog is for.  But time will tell what comes of my ability to clarify my sight with my Master.  In the mean time, does anyone have a squeegee I can borrow?