Trash Patrol

So, yesterday I'm on my way home from a very up-and-down day at work, and I call my wife, as I always do.  In the conversation, I dump all the frustration and confusion of my day through the phone.  One of those elements is that the job I am hoping to get has been halted in the process of being approved due to a shake-up at the top executive levels of our company.  Two presidents are now replaced, one was expected, one a rather strange surprise.  Since there is no sense at my level whether the presidents who left did so by their choice or were "asked" to leave, I have no sense where my little world fits into the larger corporate scheme of things; the landscape is changing.  So, instead of "2 more weeks", or "the position has been canned" I'm left with a sense of indefiniteness; the unknown, yay, my favorite.

In the conversation, the frustration of my wife bubbled to the surface, and I pasted over the "be open to God" platitude, masking my own confusion with what my Master is up to.  Yep, I was right there with her.  The reality is that I want to go.  There is enough pain in my job from management that I am reaching critical mass.  Two things keep me present and accounted for each day.  First off, most of the problems from management I have brought, and still bring on myself.  Second, I have become accustomed to health benefits (the pay is so-so, but the benefits are tremendous).  These two mean that, while the company has been providing good stuff for my family, I have not always made decisions at work that were good for my family.  So, in my estimation, I deserve what I have and where I am at in this company.  I still don't like it.

What came to the front in the conversation was the realization that we have both been disillusioned about our "relinquishment" of our desires, plans, and assumptions.  The foundation of faith is hope, not my own ideas of what and how things should pan or play out.  Hope needs to have my Master as my focus, not my worldly temporal circumstances.  Sure, I want Him to act on my behalf in my circumstances, but right now, what exactly is it I need to be rescued from?  It wasn't just an empty time-filler to wait, worship, and walk before Him, I'm pretty sure He had more of a purpose there.  It does not appear to me that I have achieved that purpose, or that it has been completed in me, not yet.

The idea or belief that my Master, 1) has a purpose in His dealings with me, and b) deals with me at all is pretty amazing.  That, all by itself, should have more affect on my day.  Where is my hope?  In Galatians 2:20 (actually 19 and 20 if you work from the most commonly used Greek text - long story of which I do not have the essential details) my ministry "buddy", Paul, displays his annoying level of devotion to our Master when he says, "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me..."  OK, seriously, I get what he is saying, especially since he concludes the statement with the claim that the life he lives in the body, he lives by faith in the Son of God, the One having already loved him and given Himself up for him.  His description sounds like it would be easy to be devoted if that were the foundation of your belief.  Well, I struggle with it!  I admit it.  I have trouble living a crucified life, at least it seems that way to me.  I still have these conversations where my frail devotion to my plans, expectations, and desires jump out and dance naked in public.  It's embarrassing, and increasingly difficult to keep them under wraps.  I know, I should just ditch them and be devoted to Jesus, His desires, and His plans.  I get it.  My fear is that it will be me jumping out and dancing naked in public (take note of the life of Isaiah, I'm not kidding here!), and trust me on this, NO ONE wants that.

If my Master is speaking to me, telling me to stay, or speaking to me, telling me to go, I am missing His voice.  The only reason I would be missing the voice of my Master is because, like the RCA Victor Dog, I am looking at a man-made contraption instead of the real Person.  This is possible.  I believe I still have illusions that need to go.  I still need to pass through levels of devotion to my Master.  I will have some for the rest of my life, but some need to go now.  And I have to accept that they need to go, not to coerce my Master or bargain with Him for an answer I want to hear.  They need to go because, in this present set of circumstances, I want, and He wants to give me, a sort of peace that can only be ascribed to Him.

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change..."

It's not rocket surgery, it's I who mix the metaphors, confuse it, and make it difficult.  I need more meditation on the wonder of my Master, so I'm going to go now.  Have a good day.  I'll catch up you up with me tomorrow.