Minutia Submission: Really? Yes, Really.

It is the wedding anniversary for my wife and me. It was eighteen years ago that we were married on a warm Saturday afternoon in Camarillo, California. The constant joke of marriage is about how the wife will work diligently to change the husband into the husband she desires, or at least she assumes she will. This is funny because everyone knows it doesn't work that way, explaining a lot regarding the numbers of divorces, even among church attendees. But it works exactly like this with my Master.

It is the normal practice of my Master to take His human creatures as they are entering into a relationship with Him. It then becomes His purpose to modify them tremendously until they become completely His. Rather than do so with the manipulation used by most human relationships, my Master uses His Spirit living within the one now confessing Him as Lord. This is very different from marriage, partly because there is no time when my Master is apart from me. There is no thought of mine that escapes His notice. There is no word or work which He ignores. Everything I do, I do with Him as my Witness. I bring that up first because of my dependence upon accountability.

A spouse cannot hope to change their partner. The best that can be hoped for, according to many marriage therapists, is influence. While it is true that my Master can change me, He limits Himself to influence as well. But He adds to that self-imposed limitation, unending perseverance. Perhaps this is a point where some marriages falter. My spouse has not. Her perseverance has been tremendous, and a general survey of my previous entries will bear out that claim. I have trooped through our eighteen years addicted, and often in denial about it. That is a lot, possibly too much, to ask of a wife, any wife. And yet mine has shown herself more than equal to the task.

The process my Master uses to "influence" me through His Spirit takes the form of patient leading, waiting, whispering, and effective use of two-by-four-upside-the-head events. I know that I am never good enough. But I also need to accept that my Master will never be done "influencing" me until I am good enough. I will never be finished learning, seeing myself as I am, and having yet another area of growth in my life revealed. I can never sit back and enjoy my progress; instead I must content myself with enjoying the process along the way. And don't get me wrong, there is amazing joy along the way my Master leads, even though it is tougher and harsher than I would choose to be on myself.

There is something somewhat overwhelming to accept that there will always be a part of me that needs growing or conforming more into the image of my Master. I know it intellectually, and would confess it in any conversation; but to then live it daily outside of the group discussion, with only my Master and my wife and my daughter as my witness, is hard. With them I want to "let my hair down" which in this context means to let my baser sinful selfish nature have control. I write that because I want it down in print how ridiculous that truly is. I know this stuff, but do not always confess my struggle with it. I need it recorded that I am ridiculous when it comes to spiritual growth. Oh, and by 'ridiculous' I, of course, mean "foolish". I don't want that to be missed.

So, I am less the fool for my Master, and more the fool. The process is bringing me around to being a fool for my Master, and less the fool. As I submit to my Master's process (James 1:5 has a "cohortative verb" – an imperative in 3rd person, i.e. "…let steadfastness have complete work…") it begins to complete (make perfect having all pieces and parts) a quality I have neglected in submitting generally to His mastery. That is a long way of saying that it is not enough for me to say I submit to my Master without also submitting in what I might consider minor areas of my life. He must own it all or I have not truly submitted at all.

So, today, a Sunday, a day of worship, I will submit to what I hear. Going to worship means that I am likely to hear something about myself I would rather ignore. As I go, I must also keep in mind that this entry was for today, as is the message that will be delivered. And while others read this entry, and hear this message, there will be something prepared for me by my Master. Not that I am the reason the sun rises, but because one of the Sovereign qualities He displays is the ability to work all things together to accomplish multiple tasks. And, yes, I am a "task" He has taken on.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, July 31

The Disillusioned Perspective of God as My Own

Chambers uses a passage which he seems to have used before. It's a confusingly written pair of sentences in John's Gospel, 2:24-25. In it John explains Jesus' reaction to people at the feast of Passover in Jerusalem believing in Him. John says that Jesus did not trust them, or believe them. John says Jesus reacts this way because He knew them and what was in them. Chambers points out that knowing this, Jesus never became bitter or cynical toward people. That is a "trick" I have never learned.

One thing that addicts of any sort can agree on is that resentment drives the triggers of our addictions. There may be shame, fear, grief, and a dozen other things as well, and we may be addicted to chemicals, activities, or excess. But intertwined through all of the addictive cycles, behaviors, and thinking will be resentment. Resentment, for an addict, is the ticket enabling us to continue to ride the circular puke-coaster. It's always somebody else's fault. Jesus never went there.

So, the perspective of my Master toward the world I live in, the world He created, the creation He watched derail and go headlong toward destruction, is not based on illusions He maintains about our "potential". But it is also not based on a bitter cynical plan to let us all burn to appease His frustration with how we turned out, after He gave us so much, to treat Him so poorly. I would be on the bitter cynical train personally, and my wife and daughter could probably testify to that I've spent my time on it too. But that is not the way of my Master.

Chambers is right on, and even takes a somewhat philosophical bent in this entry. What I need is to see people as my Master sees them. That means without illusions of what they should or could be, without bitterness or cynicism because they are not what they could or should be, and with the loving grace which has been poured out so liberally in my own life by my Master. I have been given much, from me much will be required. That requirement includes disillusioned acceptance of the mass (well, small town mass anyway) of humanity around me.

The current political upheaval regarding national debt brings a lot of unsavory people to the news. The perspective of my Master is not surprise or disappointment, but loving acceptance and desire for the person. So, regardless of which side of the aisle I agree with, or even if I think both sides are full of malarkey, there is no room for both my resentments, bitterness, and cynicism and the love and grace of my Master. Jesus said so plainly it hurts, "My heavenly Father will also do the same to you, if each of you does not forgive his brother from your heart" (Matthew 18:35 NASB). There's not a lot of "gray area" here.

To disconnect these two, disillusionment without bitterness and cynicism connected to forgiveness because we have been forgiven, is to make a huge mistake. And, yes, I make huge mistakes, but this one will cost me. The treatment of the unforgiving slave in Matthew 18 was not pleasant, and came from the Master. That is not where I want to be. The disillusionment of my Master needs to be my own. The threat behind not accepting His perspective is clear, and frightening.

Addicts have another saying, gleaned from what we call the "Big Book" but is actually much older, "There, but for the grace of God, go I." That statement puts me on the right road to disillusionment of the proper sort. If I really want that disillusionment that my Master uses, then I must take a seat with the accused, see them and accept them as the frail people I know myself to be, and along with them, accept the grace and love of my Master. They may not, but with the perspective of being with them in the crush of human evil, I will better see them as my Master does. He does not raise me to some pedestal. He sees me as one of His human creatures. And I am. I am not some special distinct human creature. What makes any distinction in me at all from anyone else is the selection of my Master. But He also makes such overtures to others.

So, today, I will be another traveler along the back roads of rural Nevada. I will be one of those who slow everyone else on a narrow highway, I will be just like anyone making their way, fast or slow, to some destination. I can become frustrated, cynical, bitter, and resentful. Or I can see myself as one of them, recognize the vast grace of my Master poured out on me in spite of my humanity, and turn that appreciation toward those in my way, loving them as my Master has loved me, forgiving them as I have been forgiven, and enjoying the peace of the countryside through which my Master leads me. Can you tell I'm looking forward to this drive? It's spiritual exercise, school is now in session. Chapter 1…

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, July 30

Fears, Depression, and Drama: Simple Solutions Found In Clouds

Chambers referred to Revelation 1:7 where John says that Jesus will come in the clouds and every eye will see Him. Instead of focusing on the Second Coming, Chambers focuses on the clouds. That threw me. Ironically, his figurative use of clouds is a good depiction of where I am at the moment. For whatever reason, the depression I used to live with as normal is back. I am looking for all sorts of external reasons, and nothing fits. My circumstances are simply too good to explain depression, but I have been away from these feelings long enough to now recognize the difference, and that these are not the way things have to be.

So why are they here? I am not among the clouds of Chambers' entry. The sky of my relationship and life with my Master should be clear. I think, still using Chambers' use of clouds, that I have found another element making up those things in the dust of my Master's feet. The truth is that He is here with me, among these feelings, like Chambers says. Yet I sense nothing. No sense of His presence, no sense of His closeness, no sense of His Spirit penetrates this emotional "fog".

I can look back over the past week and see that it has been creeping up on me. But it is here now. There has to be an explanation. The explanation that was there before was that I needed an anti-depressant. I have been using one faithfully for well over six months. But recently I had to change brands, and I suspect this one is inferior to what I had been using. Just writing that brings out this feeling like it seems such a lame excuse. But I know that voice. I have been here before and I recognize the thought patterns of this emotional place. Those thoughts stem from a desire to be strong, to have no weakness, to not need anything or anyone; death.

I am in need, I have several serious weaknesses, I know the other side of what I feel now, and I don't like where I am. I know intellectually that the only time I will be without need is when I am dead. If I live, I am in need and dependent on others in this world. I cannot escape what my Master has made me. I cannot escape His purpose in designing me to be dependent. And I cannot escape His grace which, in the midst of my frailties, treats me as an equal; even while wallowing in this morass of depressing emotions.

The clouds of dust at the feet of my Master mark His presence. And they mark the point at which I must submit and obey. This is where being a knight of His Realm comes to the forefront, because here it is dark, and I need courage to proceed. I serve the Master of this Universe, and all else which may exist. There is no where I can go where He is not already at work, even here in my emotional state. Waiting has now turned to a need to worship, more than ever. And in that worship to submit to the path He has set before me through this darkness. And through it I must remember who I am, who He has made me, and what He has called me to be.

Enough drama, I really need to just suck it up and make a doctor's appointment. I don't know one here, but there is only one in this tiny place that takes my insurance. At least the choice of doctor is easy, now to see if he is still taking patients. Well, so I don't go to fight some dragon. I go in weakness to accept myself as I am, so I can submit, as I am, to my Master. It's really that simple. The stuff before sounded real good though, like I was facing some real monster or something. No monster, just my own frailty, which is more like a tiny ugly rodent rather than a monster. Well, time for a better "mouse trap". I have a phone call to make.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, July 29

Looking Ahead And Tripping Over The Now

Last night, my wife and I discussed again what purpose my Master might have for us here. We again went over the process my Master used to bring us here, how He made it unmistakable that it was His design all along, and that we still had not gotten a clear understanding of why. Then, this morning, I work through several verses of a familiar story, but this time in Mark, and it's missing the account of Peter walking on the water, just Jesus. I'm thinking that is what Chambers will discuss, but instead he discusses the purpose of my Master.

What Chambers says is that the purpose of Jesus hustling the disciples into the boat while He dismissed the crowds was so He could glorify Himself before them by walking on water. It was not so they could reach the other side. It wasn't the end of the journey, it was the journey. I have been looking for something coming and not paying enough attention to right now. Right now in my job, my manager is facing a looming deadline (tomorrow) with a team that is behind on sales. So, the only thing she can control is how much time we spend calling out. So she ratchets it up as high as she can and still cover incoming calls. The marching orders at the moment on this calling-out process are to call through two lists, one of which is huge. So the result is that I'm not getting to my follow up calls. I know I'm supposed to balance this, but I'm struggling with the balance. To make the number of calls wanted on those lists, I don't get to my follow up calls.

On the home front, I have some in-wall wiring to get done, and less than a month to figure out how to do it. It's all in the attic, and the attic is totally filled with blown insulation. It is getting hot now and very uncomfortable up there. Some of the wires are pre-plugged, so are really big and hard to get through the holes in gang boxes, and up through the existing holes in the upper wall caps. One is in the outer wall, under a soffit vent (cardboard stapled between roof joists to allow air to attic vents in the soffits), where the roof is the closest to the ceiling. This is not my thing, and I don't really understand how to do it. But, I have to, partly to ensure I maintain accountability while working. My sobriety doesn't depend on me completing this task, but my stress level will really abate once it's finished (I have discovered that accountability I can't control brings me peace).

In addition, my daughter is away at camp, and has been gone for two weeks. She doesn't really call (partly our fault), so we don't exactly know how she's doing. She hasn't sounded good on the phone the few times we have had a chance to talk to her. We're concerned, and I miss her tremendously.

So, what am I looking ahead to find? I am looking ahead to see what sort of ministry my Master has for me, what is it I will be doing here for His Kingdom. We are looking for a church home. I want my daughter to come home. The advice of Chambers is to…"STOP IT!" I'm supposed to focus on what I do now, today, the obedience in the moment. And since my Master has only shown me pieces at a time along the way, why would that change now? He revealed work only after I relinquished it. He showed me coming here only after I resigned myself to staying there. The pattern has been revelation following resignation, and looking forward beyond the moment hasn't worked. So, I guess today I will focus on today, on calls, on customers, on enjoying the presence of my wife, the dogs, and listening every moment for what my Master has for me. I have a short to-do list, only one item: whatever my Master has me to do now. Since right now is work, that's the one item. Later it will be whatever later holds. As the Serenity Prayer says, "Living one day at a time, Enjoying one moment at a time." Focus on now, be ready for whatever. Got it.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, July 28

Desire to Do = Understanding Of my Master’s Teaching

When I add the discourses in John's Gospel to the other words of Jesus in the other three Gospels, Jesus emerges as a very strange person. He says some things that are either very hard to understand or don't make a lot of sense to a modern reader. But a lot of what He says is just hard for me to swallow easily. In John 7, Jesus is at one of the feasts in Jerusalem, and arguing with the people (not the Pharisees or scribes at this point). And He seems upset that they "marvel" at His teaching. I have wished a thousand times to be the "fly on the wall" at Jesus' teaching, because I "marvel" at it from two-thousand years away. What would it be like up close?

So, it is the reason they marvel. These people marvel at him because He is "uneducated", yet teaches. They question His credentials. This is clearly one of those places where John makes great use of irony. I imagine questioning the teaching credentials of the Master of the entire Universe, and it just seems ridiculous. "Um, excuse me, but I know You've made stars and galaxies, all the sub-atomic particles making up matter, and created all human beings including me and my family, but are You really qualified to teach my children since You haven't attended one of our schools?" Yes, ludicrous is demonstrated by such an idea.

I would imagine Jesus has a bit of a smile on His face as He addresses their "marveling". He even asks them, "Why are you trying to kill me?" which really confuses them. But He also makes an interesting statement that tells them how to know whether His teaching is right or not. He says, "If anyone wishes to do His (God's) will, he will understand whether the teaching is from God or if I speak from Myself." Which I interpret as a "reverse litmus test" meaning that if I don't understand that He teaches from God, I do not really want to do the will of God. It's not really, because Jesus leaves two options to know, but I interpret His intent that way.

The test gets at something at my core. I hear teaching all the time. I hear it on Sunday's, throughout the week on the radio, it's in music, commercials, and radio announcers comments between songs. Teaching is all around me, but not all is from my Master. If I really want to do the will of my Master, then I will understand which ones are and which are not from Him. It's not if want to know the will of my Master, but rather if I want to do the will of my Master. That is a vital difference.

If I want to do rather than know, I want to act, I want a job, I want marching orders and tools of the trade. If my desire is to know, I can do that from the easy chair with popcorn and the TV remote. This saying of my Master is clear, when I am at the point of readiness to act (out of the chair, no popcorn or remote, dressed with my shoes/boots on) that I will be able to discern the correct teaching of my Master. The point of application for me is when I sit and wonder at all the "buzzing" options in the noise around me trying to pick out which one is the will of my Master, and I feel overwhelmed by the prospect, just convinced I will get it wrong somehow. How do I know? Well, Jesus says, "get dressed, put your shoes on, get ready to act on the will you discover, and you will understand the will of God."

This takes a lot of trust. I have to trust that my Master will communicate clearly with me. I also have to be willing, once ready to act, to wait. In the army, we called that "hurry up and wait" and it was one of the frustrating elements of barracks life when I was in. It takes trust, and courage. I know that some of what I hear in that buzz really bothers me because it's uncomfortable. And I also know my Master is not that interested in my comfort, at least now here and now. So, to really understand takes courage and trust, not study and education. Dang, I spent all that time on education too; ok, let me grab my boots and work gloves.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, July 27

Heart Disease and the Cure

So, unwashed hands do not defile (cause to lose the quality of holiness), but the things in the heart coming out of the mouth. Jeremiah is told that the heart is deceitful and desperately sick (Jeremiah 17:9), so the words of Jesus in Matthew 15:18-20 make sense and shed light on the perspective of my Master. I may think that I'm fine, no problem on the inside, and that I can handle the moral conduct of today. But my Master believes otherwise; and has believed this for thousands of years (longer actually).

Is it odd to consider such a dim view of creatures He made? If I am so desperately sick in the heart, isn't my Creator partly responsible? How can I become so sick to such a core level without some of the responsibility being on my construction and makeup? It's my opinion, but I think the answer lies in following the pattern of my fore parents, Adam and Eve. When I broke faith with my Master, at whatever point that has happened along the way in my life, from childhood on up, my response was to hide it. I hid from my parents and from my Master, hoping to "get away with it" instead of owning it, confessing, and repenting.

It is true when I have been charged with being sorry I was caught, rather than being sorry for whatever it was I did wrong. And for me specifically, with the addictive patterns present in my life, this assessment of my heart by my Master is spot-on. It is in my heart for all these things to be true of me. I am capable of tremendous evil. It is the Spirit of my Master within me that brings purity, just like Chambers points out. The purity I lack is imparted to me through the Spirit rather than from within my own heart.

So, like the submission that brings righteousness, the presence of the Spirit of my Master brings purity from the wickedness in my heart. When I submit to His presence and work I discover that these impure things in my heart are washed away. They become uncharacteristic rather than my normal mode. But they have niches clearly marked and fitted for their return should I wander out of the submissive pattern of thought. My heart is fully capable of providing space again to those evil patterns of thought. I am dependent, not being trained or fitted for independence. The Spirit of my Master has become my "iron lung" and "dialysis machine." I will never again be able to wander far without a relapse into my desperate heart disease.

Gaining righteousness of my Master and purity is worth the sacrifice of my independence. My willful pride and selfishness does try to convince me otherwise, but the peace that comes from living within the will and care of my Master is a difficult argument to overcome. But the context of my life has always been the willful wild independence of this country, and this culture breeds it, idolizes it, and has little regard for dependence of any sort. Dependence is counted as weakness, and I don't like to be thought of as weak. But I am. No addict is strong. I think it is probably true that no person is strong, but I do know that as an addict, I am not. That I do know. So dependence suits me, regardless of what this culture teaches.

So, today I will submit my work, my dialogues with customers, with co-workers, and all my interactions with my wife to my Master, and His Spirit's work. And I will rest in the peace of His righteousness and His purity. I feel better already.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, July 26

A Fork In The Road In the Pursuit of Being Blessed

I want to be "Blessed" like the beatitudes describe. I don't evaluate my life and see that I am "poor in spirit" or "meek" or "mourning". In fact I seem to be rather proud of my religious accomplishments, scathingly cynical, and fairly happy about it all. That's not really "Blessed" at all, not as Matthew 5:3-10 describes it. Part of my problem or fear actually stems from the acknowledgement that the dependent statements are almost all future tense verbs. I want my "cake" now, thank you very much.

That desire for present "blessings" was addressed by my Master, of course, and I do not really like the way He did it. He said that where my treasure is, there I will also find my heart (Matthew 6:21). My treasure may not be "money" or even "things" per se, but if my treasure is "comfort" or "happiness", it is the same problem. My heart is here and now, not in heaven. Perhaps that is the key, though, because if I mourned or became meek, or if I appeared to hunger and thirst for righteousness, my heart could still be here and now looking for those accolades of others; the status associated with appearing to be all these things.

There are some of the beatitudes that can't be faked. I'm not sure how I would fake "poor in spirit". I'm not sure how that could be pulled off because there is a core attitude involved that is directed at my Master. There is no faking out my Master. For the same reason it would be difficult to fake a pure heart, since if my heart were here instead of there, I would appear singularly focused here, not there, and would fool no one. Sure, I could create the illusion of some of them, but not all. It really comes down to where my treasure is stored.

Storing treasure in heaven means doing without here. I don't particularly like doing without in general, and do so for the rest of my life is not very appealing. But this is only true because I don't really understand or believe what I do understand about heaven. It can't be true if I truly believe that life in the presence of my Master will blow this life out of the water on the "blessing scale". Whatever else I claim, if that belief is true, if I really believe that life lived in the constant presence of my Master, constantly in prayer, constantly in corporate worship with the unnumbered horde before His throne, constantly at His service, seeing His face is my real future, then who cares what happens here. Let it burn.

But I do love my wife, and I love my daughter, and I love my stuff, and I love my air-conditioned house, and my beagles, and I don't want them to "burn". I can't leave them in the dust in pursuit of heaven; and rightly so, because even that pursuit is the wrong one. The right pursuit cannot have anything to do with myself or my condition. All I'm doing with the pursuit of "heaven" is substituting one selfish pursuit for another, and "blessing" it because it is "heaven". The pursuit is not to be before the throne, it is for the One on the throne. That's where poverty of spirit becomes real. That pursuit is where a heart becomes truly pure. The substance of my life should come from my pursuit of my Master.

Blessed the ones hungering and thirsting for righteousness, because they will be satisfied (Matthew 5:6). By the way, the word, "persecute" in this passage and in most of the Christian Scriptures also means "to pursue" so in a sense, I am to "persecute" my Master. But this desire for righteousness means that, as I wrote yesterday, I submit to the Spirit of my Master in each instance of my day, so that the imparted righteousness of my Master becomes the righteousness everyone sees in me. There will be no faking in that, only peace, gentleness, mercy to give, and mourning. But there will also be mercy received, comfort received, and, though I may not want it, the earth (the one "blessing" I'm so sure about – perhaps it refers to the "promised land" or something). I'll settle for my little piece of earth that makes up my yard.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, July 25

That’s Not My Righteousness! At Least I Hope Not.

Righteousness is one of those words used in church that are very common, but rarely understood on a practical level. It's one I struggle with understanding at a point of daily application. The understanding I do have is from my interpretation of things I read in Scripture. But while Scripture uses the word, it is not really defined. One exception of note is in Genesis 15:6 where Abram believes Yahweh's promise and that belief is reckoned to him as righteousness. This is used by Paul a lot in basing salvation on faith instead of rules. That Paul bases salvation on that credit to Abram means that righteousness and salvation are closely linked if not inseparable terms.

But what does righteousness mean? The way the word used in the Christian Scriptures was used in the culture at that era; it referred to a quality of adhering to a set of standards or societal norms in a very acceptable and pleasing way. Such a person had a quality that was exactly as it should be in their social setting. So when Paul uses the word, it he has to qualify it with either law or of God; usually of God or Jesus. What this means is that, in the Christian Scriptures, righteousness refers to the quality of conforming to a set of practices, attitudes, and perspectives. For a follower of Jesus, this "set" is His "set" of practices, attitudes, and perspectives. So, a righteous person in the sense used in the Christian Scriptures conforms to the practices, attitudes, and perspectives of Jesus. That is a tall requirement, and that is what Chambers says is impossible without this righteousness being imparted internally by Jesus Himself. I agree with him there.

Righteousness in the Hebrew Scriptures righteousness is closely linked to leading or ruling. The king of Salem, Melchizedek, was more likely a title meaning "king of righteousness" than a birth name. The latter part of his name, zedek, is the Hebrew word for "righteousness". The priest who eventually assumed control of worship under King David, Zadok, has half the name of Melchizedek. He was priest in Jerusalem when David took the city, and was able to retain his position. By that time the king of that city-state had the position of "priest" and "king" separated into two people. Zadok got to stay and keep doing what he had been doing, which is apparently, leading the worship of Yahweh. The implication in these two characters, Melchizedek and Zadok, is that they also lived righteousness, recognizable to others as conforming to Yahweh's righteousness. What is also remarkable is that neither one would have been living out that righteousness in the traditions set down in the Law of Moses. Paul's definition stands even in the Old Testament, even apart from his favorite example in Abram.

So, where does this understanding lead me in practical terms? What does righteousness look like for me? Can I truly live out the behaviors, attitudes, and perspectives of Jesus? No, and yes. I cannot, and do not expect to live out such a righteousness myself. It is not in my ability to do so. This is where one of the facets of the life lived in relationship to my Master comes into the forefront. What provision my Master made on my behalf was to impart His righteousness to me. Again, I sort of get lost in what that means, but my understanding (limited understanding) is that this happens through the agency of His Spirit, living within me; the One Coming Along Side to Help, the "Paraclete" of John's Gospel and letters. Without the Spirit of my Master I would have no possible way to live out this righteousness of my Master.

Ok, so I have the Spirit of my Master within me, but how does that make it possible for me to live out these behaviors, attitudes, and perspectives? Through submission to the Spirit of my Master, I can experience on a moment-by-moment basis the righteousness of my Master. I don't mean fulfillment of that righteousness, but the experience of it. I am not the one doing anything but submitting to the transformation carried out by my Master. The resulting change is witnessed by others in that observable righteousness conforming to my Master's righteousness. This means that when I am confronted by my environment with something negative, I submit to my Master's perspective rather than my own. When I meet or see someone, and the experience is not pleasing, I submit to His perspective, rather than rely on my own. At the point of response, I submit. I don't want to do what my boss wants, but instead of rebelling against my boss, I submit to my Master.

It really is that simple and that difficult. In fact, it is so difficult that I really stink at it. It takes practice, and practice will enable the practice to become easier. The righteousness of my Master is the end result of my moment-by-moment submission to my Master. It is a strange concept. It also takes intimate familiarity with the Scriptures inspired and preserved by my Master. I won't really know what perspective I'm submitting to without this intimate familiarity. And I'm going to need a lot of help from other followers of my Master. Without the shared familiarity of Scripture, I will never really understand it. It has been my consistent experience that my Master never gives anyone the whole picture, but requires interdependence upon others to gain any sort of clarity on Him, His Scripture, and His Character.

So, today, I will go to church to find that interdependent familiarity with Scripture and my Master. What will I learn today?

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, July 24

Who’s In Charge Here?

There is something difficult to conceptualize about life with my Master. The passive mode of the action is difficult. It means that I am not the actor or the subject, but the extra or object. The passive mode in the actions of this life means that is not really mine at all. That is hard for me to conceptualize. I still live and think and move as if I am the actor and subject of my life. Yet much of what happens to me and around me has little or nothing to do with me at all.

In some sense I feel guilty for feeling like an observer of my life rather than the one living it. On the other hand, I see things with the finger prints of my Master all over them, and know that this is how it is supposed to be. People may see me, but soon it should become clear that they can ignore me and focus on the One working through me. That's way it should be, but is not yet the way it is.

I still want to become holy or attain holiness. That's impossible. As Chambers points out, sanctification happens when the holy nature of Jesus is created within me. This has already happened, but I struggle to relax into it. I still struggle with the expectations of others and the felt obligations of my life. Why it is so hard for me to trust the Master of the Universe with those trivial things bewilders me. How much does He need to show me before I can relax into Him?

At work, I sense pressure to follow a process. When I worked for Countrywide Home Loans, I felt that same pressure. I want to solve a problem, complete a task, but these desires in my job are people-pleasing desires toward the customer. That is no better a choice than to feel enslaved to the obligations to my company. Neither one is Jesus. I have an obligation to be transformed. That may not please either, but since the transformation happens to me, and is accomplished by the Sustainer and Maker of the vast ends of the Universe, chances are good that both will be happy.

I suppose it's possible that in submitting to the holiness of my Master within me and not trying to please my company obligations the company will become disenchanted with my position (remote working) and remove my job. But then, why would my Master work so thoroughly to make it happen in the first place? I think it makes more sense to let my fear go and obey the obligation I have to my Master. Let Him work out the work details. In submitting to Him, I will see His provision for the requirements of my job.

The Holiness of Jesus within me means that obligations to anything but Him do not exist for me. That is a scary proposition because the "what-if" siren goes off in my brain questioning the goodness of my Master. Even that is not exactly true; the "what-if" noise really comes from my fear to release control. I am afraid to walk with a blindfold. It's not that I don't believe my Master is good; it's that I don't want to release control even if He is. I suppose this is where foolishness becomes a moral quality. In the passage Chambers uses, the whole thing says, "But from Him you are in Christ Jesus, who became the wisdom of God to us, and righteousness, and sanctification and redemption." So, yes, Jesus is my sanctification. But He is also the wisdom of God to me. My foolishness denies His sanctification in me, and that is a moral issue.

I think of all those things though. I think of wisdom of God, righteousness, sanctification, and redemption, and I wonder, "What else do I need?" Really, what else is there? If I live connected to the One creating the stars I saw last night, of various hue and size, the vast clouds of hydrogen, and the clusters of ancient suns, do I have additional needs? Even if He does not provide food and water or house or money to attain either, what if I die, has He defrauded me? Isn't losing my life here and now mean that I know Him face-to-face perfected in His glory? I guess those aren't my fears.

If I am honest, my fears are not that I will die. My fear is that I will live a hard life. If anyone reads this that was alive during the depression, I am sorry for even thinking that, considering what so many even in this "modern age" suffers through. But it is true; I fear living a hard life. I don't even know what a "hard life" is. Perhaps that is why I fear it so much. If I were more familiar with a "hard life" I might perhaps my fear would be dissolved in the reality. But I don't know, and I do fear. So, in my fear, I must trust my Master, submit to His Holy Nature within me, and live the passive verbs of life with God. Surrealism is not just an art-form any more, it has become a paradigm I must accept.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, July 23

Becoming Distinctively Set Apart for My Master’s Use

When the writings of the Hebrew Scriptures were first written, and while copied through the millennia, they were written in the language of one people, the Hebrews. But when the Christian Scriptures were written, a more cosmopolitan language was used, the common language of the day, Greek. Because of this, some loan-words were pulled across from Hebrew or Aramaic, but almost all of the language was commonly understood by people outside the community of faith.

This caused some problems in trying to clarify distinctive elements of belief in and following of Jesus, but for the most part it worked great. It worked even at the point of understanding holiness. Something that gets lost in interpretation of the Christian Scriptures is that there was a common understanding of "holiness" which was widely accepted by everyone, including those that had no knowledge of Jesus or Yahweh. So, when Paul is writing to some churches, he finds that he needs to be more specific, like in 1 Thessalonians 4:3, "This is the will of God, your sanctification (the process of being made holy)…"

Chambers takes this verse and writes of Sanctification on what he calls the "Death Side", as opposed to the "Life Side" which I suppose is for tomorrow, so stay tuned. On the death side of sanctification, I am to die in order to submit to the process of my Master. This process "sets me aside" for His use, making me distinctively His and available strictly for His purposes, which is the understood definition of holy in that day. Paul continues with the church in Thessalonica and says it deals with abstaining from "porniea" or various forms (inclusive) of sexual immorality.

In that day, the Thessalonians understood, as so many, that this activity was actually a part of religious practice in their former lives, so they brought it with them into their practice before their new Master. Paul needed to correct that. For me in this day, I already know that it's wrong. It's not "culturally acceptable", and some forms of practice are even illegal (even in Nevada). But this issue is still a big deal today, for me and for others. Media and marketing tap into a base desire to be "bad" using sex to sell just about anything. In that way, it has become a commonly accepted practice, often carried into the practice before the Master.

And I have struggled with this problem, a lot. I have to watch myself, my eyes, and my thoughts; constantly on the alert for those patterns that are so destructive for me. But for me, it's not just sexual immorality, it's computer games, it's reading, astronomy, coffee, it's anything substituting my dependence on, focus on, and time with my Master. Fears distract me from Him. Pride distracts me from Him. Even my desire for friends or love for my family (currently I miss my daughter) can be a distraction from my Master. And unless I die to all these affections, I am not yet fit for the process my Master uses to set me apart solely for His use.

Chambers calls it the death side because in this side of the process, I must die to myself, my rights, my desires and will, my pretensions, and my fears. At least those, there will probably be more as the process goes on. That is a lot of dying. The struggle I'm having this week is submitting to this process at work. It is an old problem where I don't want to do what I'm supposed to do, partly because I don't agree with it (pride), and partly because I feel I'm not meeting an expectation of someone else (misplaced fear and shame). In avoiding this task, I wander out of the process of being made holy, and into the briars and brambles of my foolishness. But it is in this part of the work I'm employed to do that I will find the process of my Master to further set me apart most effective. The part of the work I dislike the most will be the rough chisel of my Master to chip away more of the foolishness which makes me less distinctively His. Does it sound painful yet? How about when He brings out the sandpaper, how about then? And I don't mean the fine grit stuff either!

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, July 22

Statistical Analysis and Its Failure in Church

One of the things that caused me no end of shame when in the ministry was the felt obligation to "grow" my church. Being a closet-addict didn't help with the shame pool, in fact the church obligation was really just a drop in the bucket. But part of the problem of that felt obligation was the nagging suspicion that I couldn't grow any church, and that I wasn't supposed to be able. After all, if I was able to grow any church, then I would be master of my own church. That just doesn't make any sense.

The statistic my denomination wanted to know was the number of baptisms. Well, there weren't many. Eventually, the statistic became the number of churches planted. It was a mission church itself, and was never able to stand on its own, so no other churches were planted. The church was never what the normal statistic keeping world wanted. So, in that world, I was a failure, shame on me.

I understand that knowing whether something is going wrong or not is important, I'm just not sure those statistics are the right dipstick. If they were, then small churches in small communities would never be considered spiritual growth centers. At some point in those sorts of communities, a maximum saturation point is reached. Besides, what is the point of getting people inside the church if they never change once there? This is the point where I believe Chambers begins his use of Matthew 5:3.

I had several fellow preachers say that we had to get them lost before we could save them. Where do I begin with all the things wrong with that statement? First off, what are we doing that can be considered either one of those? Isn't that what my Master does? The abject lack of dependence upon my Master is what is wrong with that statement. There is no "poverty of spirit" in it that demonstrates ownership in the Kingdom of Heaven.

I was more impoverished spiritually than most people I came across, but I couldn't reveal that because I was the "pastor" and we have no spiritual weaknesses. After you're done laughing I'll continue. As an addict, I was more familiar with spiritual poverty than most. But instead of going to my Master and claiming ownership of the Kingdom of Heaven, I wallowed in shame, adding more fuel to the addiction. It can't be of any surprise that I have had such a time gaining freedom from this malady of mind and spirit. It was driven by the same foolishness propagated by regular church life.

I tried though. I tried to call myself a "bell-sheep" but they wanted me to be a shepherd. I tried to be one of them, but they wanted a priest. They wanted me to be Jesus with skin on, and to an extent they were right, but they excused themselves from the same requirement since they weren't the "pastor". That was the problem I could not overcome. I was the only one who was supposed to be a true believer. That's a lonely position to be in.

The truth is and will always be that I am empty before my Master. He declares me to be of value, and what value I have, in the economy of His Kingdom, is there because of that declaration. I didn't attain it, I didn't earn it, and it isn't inherent in my makeup or character. He declares me to be valuable enough to be worth the unimaginable event of His death, separation from the Trinity. I can't even imagine myself to be that valuable. I am completely impoverished before such esteem as my Master lavishes on me.

That was the message I should have brought to my church, but was afraid to live out. To live out that message is to hang my weaknesses out for the world to witness. But how else can that same world witness the work of my Master in my life? And isn't that the point?

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, July 21

Finding the Peace I Avoid by Mistake

Boredom is my enemy. Someone, I can't remember who, said that boredom is a selfish feeling or attitude. That's possible I suppose. There is usually an issue behind it for me. I am usually avoiding something I am ashamed about, and my attitude is boredom. It is at these times that I am most susceptible my old sinful frailties. Chambers has another perspective, and I don't like it so much because he sounds eerily accurate.

Chambers uses my favorite verse in my favorite passage to point out that walking is the true test of my strength. It is not the run, or the ascending on wings that truly test my strength, those are fun. The routine is what shows consistency and that is where my strength is truly tested; endurance. It is also where spiritual maturity is found. I am most spiritually mature when I walk before my Master, and endure to the end.

As it happens, this is exactly where I find myself now. I am waiting for the next thing, chore, job, mission, or whatever. If it was clear that my Master was leading me out here, there has to be a reason, and I still haven't seen it. I guess part of what bothers me is that it could be that it's not about me being out here at all. It could be something that He wants for my wife or daughter. It could be that I'm supposed to do my job and support what He will do with and through them. Nothing wounds the pride and self-importance as much as being in a supporting behind-the-scenes role.

Not knowing means that, in my desire to control, I can fill in the blanks myself. Like Mad-Libs I fill in silly things that are funny, not real. It is my Master's call to again wait, worship, and walk before Him. It is again a time to relax into Him, and submit to His peace. The resulting joy is necessary to my soul, my emotional equilibrium, and my sanity. I can't do my job without it; I can't be a husband without it; I can't be a father/dad without it. I can be a jerk, a bully, lazy, foolish, and depressing without it, and those are easy things to fall back into. They generate shame for me, and shame cripples my ability to submit to my Master.

I am called by my Master a knight, and called to serve Him. I'm not looking forward to serving in a castle, I want battle. I guess I also want to pick the battle, the fun one, not the one where I fight the guerilla insurgents hiding in bushes for ambush. Once I reach a sense of peace and the enemy which has overrun my life for so long is defeated but still present, I have to adjust to a low intensity conflict mode. I defend now against spiritual and emotional IED's. These things are deadly, and nearly impossible to spot. I endure the sporadic attacks, the random shelling, and the occasional car bomb. I endure the hurt and pain this world inflicts on my wife and daughter, not just on me. Am I painting a rather dismal picture?

The bright light in it all is my Master. He never leaves, so the power of the Son dispels all darkness of these events. My enemy is already defeated, and I simply endure the victory. I have to admit that it is not enough to wait, nor just to walk before my Master. I must worship. This is the element of His command which keeps in my mind the worthiness of the One I wait on. I walk in the presence of the Master of the Universe, Maker of Heavens and Earth. I walk about this life, and my audience is the One forming stars, destroying solar systems, dispersing vast clouds of hydrogen, and coalescing other clouds into new stars. He is powerful to understand the substance of sub-atomic particles, tracing the figure of quarks, and guiding their paths, forming neutrons, electrons, and protons. This is the One before whom I walk daily.

I hope that changes things. Instead of avoiding the details of my day, I should worship, recalibrate on my Master, and move ahead into what I fear. I may need to do that a lot at first, and then, perhaps I will worship as easily as I breathe. That would be nice. I sense peace even writing about it. Good day to y'all.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, July 20

Re-Learning The Grace I Used To Preach

Two things that really irritate me are when I am wrong and when I am prejudiced toward someone. I have a big prejudice toward what I label "personality-based" ministries. Today, Chambers pushes me to, first recognize someone holier than myself, and then to obey them (or my Master through them) once found. Submitting to my Master who truly is Master is tough enough. Submitting to someone here on earth in spiritual things is even tougher.

The second place Chambers pushes me today is in the area of obedience. He says, "Obedience is only possible between equals; it is the relationship between father and son, not between master and servant." I find this difficult to accept. Why can't a servant obey a master? And I would not qualify my relationship with my Master as one between equals. I agree that as I see my Master better, know Him better, I obey more easily. That I totally get. Understanding grace shown in seeing my relationship with my Master as a relationship between equals I don't.

When I read how my Master views what He did in redeeming me, I need to reappraise how I judge Chambers. There are passages in the gospels where my Master refers to me as "friend" not servants. "You are my friends if you do what I command you" (John 15:14). "No longer do I call you slaves, for the slave does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all things that I have heard from My Father I have made known to you" (John 15:15). In both of these passages, Jesus is speaking to His disciples, but from the prayer of John 17, I infer that I share in some of their benefits in my relationship with their Master; I would include friendship with my Master as one of those.

I am not equal with my Master. Grace is defined by His treatment of me as if I were. He elevates my status, and transforms my quality so that His treatment of me is that of friend. In that status based entirely on His grace, I submit to His transforming work. I will never be equal with my Master, regardless of how far He transforms my quality. Though both the transformation and His elevation of my status are acts of His grace toward me, I realize I still deal with the Master of the Universe. So, obedience is much easier in this context. It is not a grudging duty I perform because I have no choice and this is my lot in life. Obedience becomes something I do out of gratitude toward the One elevating and transforming me.

Obedience in response to grace is not an uncommon theme, and I have heard it for most of my life, and preached it a lot myself. But, as Chambers points out, it is "when we see Him we obey Him." And I don't know that I preached out of "seeing" my Master but rather out of my understanding of Scripture. It is plain there that we obey out of gratitude. But seeing that in Scripture is powerful, experiencing it is shocking to the core. I have a clarity at the moment that is truly shocking to me. If I can remain shocked, if I can keep this perspective, I may be able to continue this experience of obedience out of gratitude I now sense.

I admit though, that I slip in and out of it, often without thinking. Sometimes I obey out of obligation, and sometimes out of gratitude. I think that is part of growing spiritually, and as I continue, I hope to see less of the obligatory obedience, and more of the thankful sort. I am a sinner, and I sense sin crouching at my door, still pounding for attention. And I still fear opening that stupid door. And I realize my fear is of failure and the quality of myself that betrays. So, even my fear is self-centered. I see there is much growth that still needs to happen, and I have some way to go yet before I sense some freedom from my flesh. I really need the experience of the grace of my Master today.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, July 19

Did I Lose Something Back There?

There are two things about today's entry which bring a controversy to the forefront. The first thing is the religious history of Scotland, the land of Chambers which has been a "Calvinistic" Protestant region from very early Protestantism in Scotland. The other thing is how the entry turns leaves open the idea of losing a salvation once received. The two do not go well together, and while I have not read something of Chambers which indicates he was of the Calvinistic bent (no losing salvation once gained; the "I" in TULIP for "Irresistible Grace"), but being a schooled theologian from Scotland, I thought it very likely.

But there is also the problem that Chambers my not have been referring to the loss of salvation. He writes of facing my Master and telling Him no once commanded. If I were to do that, he says that "I have begun the death warrant of the Son of God in my soul." This sounds as if he is saying that the Son of God in my soul can die, or I can lose that relationship having had it. If that were the case, then I would then fall into the reference in Hebrews where the writer says that once lost, it cannot be regained (Hebrews 6:1-6). What if, though, Chambers were referring to the work of the Spirit of my Master, not my relationship with my Master?

If the relationship with my Master is so fragile that ranting of my childish self-centered soul can extinguish it, then I am in peril. If, on the other hand, Chambers speaks of the work done by my Master in recreating me more in His image, then I can imagine being damaged by the same childish self-centered ranting. Children are especially destructive rather than creative, regardless of what kindergarten art teachers tell us. Their creativity seems to be channeled into destructive pursuits when used. So, being childish I can destroy a lot of work done in my life.

As the writer of Hebrews writes in 6:1, let us move on to more mature matters, which he describes as enduring to the end (v. 11). Because freedom, while so prized among Americans, is really of limited importance to a believer, or at least to me. I know for a fact, a fact grounded in my adult history, that I am a slave. The only choice I make as a slave is which master I serve, not to not be a slave. I have served two masters for years. I have been enslaved to an addiction to sin, an idolatrous fascination. I have hated it, but still served it. I know my freedom is illusory. I have been returned to the garden to make a choice, but I still have only two trees from which to choose.

I want to endure to the end in the choice in which I now live. It has been seven months, and I have endured; a mere drop in the ocean of time I have followed my sinful desires. I have so far to go, but I have hope now that I did not have before. I have hope, not in my own ability to endure, but in my Master's power to keep me. Instead of focusing on not following my desires (which would be to re-idolize them), I focus on my Master and obeying Him. Doing that, it becomes His work to keep me from the old master of my sin. And, to date, He has. Today is another work day with a short commute, but today is also another opportunity to give into my other master. I choose to face my True Master and obey, but to also wait, worship, and walk before Him until He commands further.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, July 18

Too Good To Be Used?

The irony of talent is that, though given by my Master, it can become a distraction from Him. So, even though my Master gives me a talent or 'gift', those who see me exercise can focus on me instead of my Master, meaning the purpose of it was missed.

This is a strange irony, and I believe it is part of where what I refer to as "personality-based" ministries come from. The other part contributing to them is the personality accepting the attention. And I typically have ample disdain for both; as if my disdain is more acceptable than the distraction in the first place.

It is a challenge I used to face, just not because I was all that great a preacher. I think people truly do not know what to say when they have enjoyed a sermon. For whatever reason they seemed uncomfortable telling the guy who just spoke for 30 minutes and kept your attention that they were grateful to their Master for the word spoken. I know that I have felt weird when it was my turn in the "receiving line" after someone else's sermon; possibly because it's not easy for me to come off sincere. But even that is probably an excuse. The only reason it sounds insincere is because it's not used even occasionally. I heard such gratitude very rarely.

So skill, ability, talent, and gifting can become distractions from my Master who gave them. It would seem He would give them less just to avoid the distraction, but He doesn't.

But whenever I speak for my Master, then the responsibility to glorify my Master is mine. I need to deflect the attention to my Master. But Paul went even farther. In 1 Corinthians 2:1-5, Paul claims he didn't use his skill to deliver the.good news of the mysteries of Jesus. This is an alternative that never occurred to me. Why would he do that? Because I can only control what I deliver, not what is done with it. By avoiding the pretty package, the 'packager' avoids attention.

Right now I don't have to worry about this, bu my time will come in our new place. And I will need to be careful not to distract from my Master who sent me. I will need to learn to unlearn to rely on myself. I'm not looking forward to it.

Oswald Chambers' "My Utmost For His Highest": July 17th.

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What Comes Next

Asking for something means I cannot provide it for myself. It is a sign of weakness to not be able to provide something for myself or my family. So, to go to my Master on a regular basis to ask is also a sign of submission of my desire to appear strong and capable. Strong and capable is my Master's job, not mine. It would be a huge mistake for people to trust in me instead of my Master. But the practice of this perspective isn't easy. I really struggle with the training where I do it all the time.

The move to Nevada was an easy opportunity. Small changes in schedule are not anywhere as easy. We have travelled out to California to visit family, mine and my wife's, and when and how we do stuff makes a difference. So, here again, I need to submit my will to appear to have control or be in control. It is, as always, my Master who is in control. Even if we left early for the next stage, we have no idea nor can we control what the road will be like, who will be on it, and how many others will join them.

The reality is that schedules are also things we submit to the Master. But what I can control is priorities. So, in the practice of decision making, I put certain things ahead of others. So I will not smell like a rotten onion, I will put a shower ahead of writing more on this blog.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, July 16

Serving Others Uncomfortably; Not My Favorite Thing

How much of myself am I willing to give to others? On behalf of Jesus, I owe everyone (Romans 1:14). I confess that I'm not there. Just yesterday, a guy who looked homeless at first I ignored. It wasn't until he got closer as he passed us by that I saw that his clothes were actually newer and he was probably a trade laborer. My prejudice was there, unmistakably, and I have to own that. I was with my family and it crossed my mind that I was not engaging because I was concerned for my family. But that's not correct. Wouldn't it be better to teach my daughter the practice of reaching out to others due to the debt I owe my Master, and therefore everyone on earth?

I am in need of a better sense of others. I have a need to relinquish my fears, and engage this world on behalf of my Master. I have a real issue if I tell my Master I am at His service, but will not engage on His behalf. I can call myself a knight and a servant, but if I respond to the needs of this world in fear for myself, then I am truly neither. And yet, I believe that my Master is calling me these things to begin to build them in me. I have an idea that fulfilling these terms is where I am headed, led by my Master and King. I am not entirely comfortable with that, but I see the need in myself. I don't know what I can actually accomplish, but that has never been the point, only a point of my excuse.

So, today, visiting my hometown, away from the place where we have been led, I will be in a context that may make such engagement easier. On the other hand, there may be far fewer opportunities. Whatever opportunities come my way, seeing them as the envoy of my Master should see them. This will take practice, and I need to not be concerned that I may not do it well at first. I suppose that embarrassment is simply part of the surrendering myself to my Master. Lovely.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, July 15

The Best Defense Is Not To?

One of my most basic fears is for my personal security. I would love to be secure in the knowledge that I can defend myself if attacked. I'm not, and I'm not likely to become so. I have taken a few martial arts classes, but have never stuck with them long enough to become anything like skilled in them. I can fire a pistol and rifle fairly accurately, but I do not own a pistol and the rifle I own is a curiosity, not a weapon. When I think of defending myself or fantasize about winning some sort of fight, it is actually depressing.

Enter Chambers and his use of the section of the Sermon on the Mount about personal defense. Essentially, Jesus says, "Don't". It's really straight forward. Turn the other cheek. Walk the extra mile. Give to those who borrow. Give your coat to your legal opponent trying to take your shirt. Love your enemies, pray for your persecutors. I get it. I don't like it, but I get it. In fact this flies in the face of being American. We don't do that. We have heroes like John Wayne, Audie Murphy, and William Wallace (oh wait, he was a Scot). People in rural America still idolize the rogue criminals of the 30's like Bonnie & Clyde.

So, I know I have some deep training and brainwashing to overcome in order to turn my cheek to my opponent. I know that "fair" doesn't enter into it, and I have no rights to defend when persecuted. It stinks, but I have to admit, the lack of support for cynicism might be nice. To be able to respond to situations without a negative comment because I do not need to defend a wrong done to me is a nice alternative to striking out in passive aggressiveness. There is certainly less therapy involved in letting go of passive aggressive modes.

But there are much more important gains to seek. Chambers points out that it is not my honor at stake, but my Master's. When I defend myself with either passive or active aggression, I hurt my Master. It is His honor besmirched by my actions rather than mine defended. My honor was negated when I chose to follow my Master. I gave up any right to honor when I submitted my life to Him. Any honor I receive should be from Him or else it is merely temporal and worth far less. His honor, on the other hand, is so precious and so powerful that it actually can overcome evil in this world and bring impossible people into His Kingdom.

So, the very people persecuting me, mistreating me, and humiliating me can, through the power of the honor of my Master, become my eternal neighbors in Heaven. The reason that does not sound so appealing, and why that makes Heaven seem to shine somewhat less is my failure to love others as my Master does. When I get to the root of my desire for security it stems from a lack of faith, but also a lack of love. Faith requires hope (Hebrews 11:1). But together, faith and hope form the safety required to love (1 Corinthians 13:13). I can say, "You have my back" because of faith. That faith flows from saying and believing that He loves me. And I believe He loves me because I have hope. Once there, and these two statements are sure, then I can be at His service, and that is love in action. It is there, in His service that I can turn my other cheek, bless when cursed, give to the borrower, and not resist the evil person.

Today, I travel to California after sitting through an all-day training session on a new business system I have been using for several months now. I will be tired. I will be traveling in a car with my wife, daughter, and two beagles. I will be in danger of forgetting my hope, jettisoning my faith, and defending my own honor. That would be a shame. I will need the power my Master provides in full measure, and I believe I will have it.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, July 14

Deconstructing My Security

There is a very real sense of loss in the presence of kings in Israel. Yahweh said that they had rejected Him as King, and the people wanted to be like the people around them. They sought security through temporal and human means, through what seemed to be working for those people around them. It was as if they sought to throw off holiness (peculiarity due to Yahweh) to be like everyone else. It was a pragmatic choice and desires, like so many that eventually shipwrecked the whole country. And it is a weakness I face regularly, "it makes sense."

Well, I have to accept that coming to this place doesn't make sense, so my Master has done what I would not have done on my own. I have followed the King of the Universe instead of some other pragmatic leader and guide. That's good, but I have to caution myself, my sense of security based on what has already happened. I do not want to lose focus on my Master distracted by the blessings He has already given. I want to see Him all the more clearly. I confess that my vision of Him is not that clear really.

As I engage in relationships around this community, I know that what others think of me will become a huge snare for me. I know that, but I still wander into it. The only clear thing I have is that my Master brought us here, and provided security for us to remain here. He did so not on our terms, but on His own. In the process, He removed the very thing we were counting on for our security, the cash we walked away with from the sale of our house in Texas. At a loss, it was ours to spend without capital gains. But now it has been used to purchase this house, and purchase it in full. And my Master left us just enough for a reasonable "emergency fund". I think it's a beautiful mark of His hand at work that He did not leave us more than an emergency fund. He set us up here and now we have to be fiscally responsible, and accountable to Him with our finances.

In removing our "prop" He forces us to focus on Him more consistently. But even in the removal of the prop, I can become distracted by the limitation and lose focus on Him. Or I can decide that, as He has led us all the way, He continues even now. My wants are now fuel for a fire where I can sacrifice my most precious things; the first fruits of my labor, my family, my gadgets, my systems and arrangements for my security. I have arrived at a crisis of abandon. I can take another step off the cliff, or remain on the bluff with a view of the darkness. It's not much of a view. Flying would be much more beautiful, but will I take that step?

You love me, You have my back, and I am at Your service. I will wait, worship, and will walk about in Your presence. Where You lead me, I will follow; and what You ask me to do, I will do. I am a Knight of Your Realm, and a Servant to my King. I will be a forerunner of the One Bringing Light into this dark place.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, July 13

Finding the Right Battle and the Right Battlefield

So here we are looking for a church. What are we looking for that we are calling the search for a church? Not to be Dr. Seuss, but I wonder if we are on the right path. We have been to two churches, both based or nominally about the same ideas. But one is tiny and seems to be struggling with some serious problems. One is larger, seems to have more going on, and has is sponsored by a church in the next larger city over. This does not change the changing culture and economy of this city. There is a lot of pain in this community.

What is my Master doing? Where is He at work, and where, in those places, is He inviting me and my family to join Him? If I and my family are seeking somewhere to be comfortable, we are on the wrong track. If we are looking for comfort and serenity, we are seeking selfishly, not centered on my Master. But what criteria do we use? Chambers makes an interesting point this morning. It is clear in Scripture that my Master is interested in reaching the entire human race, and that needs to be my interest as well. He is interested in my local community, and this local community certainly needs His power and love. So, as we seek a body of believers with whom to fellowship, the criteria needs to center around the interests of my Master, not our own; or better yet, we should modify our interests to match those of my Master.

Last night I spoke with, or rather listened to, one of my neighbors. He is leaving this city Monday. He was a teacher at the school where my daughter will start in the fall, and filled us in on the issues there. He was let go (a common practice in this state and county), and decided not to wait and see if he could find another position in the same county/district. He was not totally bitter, but he was also not seeing things from the perspective of my Master. My daughter was rather alarmed at his description, but he gave good advice. At this middle school (not high school) there are drugs, fights, disrespectful kids, and they seem to be abundant and easy to find. They seem to seek out new kids, making it hard for good kids to get passed them to other good kids; at least that was his take on it.

As my wife and I were talking to my daughter, we told her that was a lot like the middle schools we attended so many years ago. She was shocked. I remember walking passed a rail fence just outside the campus where the "druggies" and "potheads" hung out before school. I remember the fights and the constant struggling to come out on top and be tough. Most kids just observed it all from the outside, but some became embroiled in it seeking to be accepted by the "in" crowd. It was a waste of time really. This sounds very similar, except the scale may be larger, or a larger percentage of trouble among the student population. But the consistent thing will be the fear and pain covered by the wrong behavior, and the lack of accountability for these "bad" kids.

So, my family trains to be accountable, and trains to be an influence for my Master. We seek our Saviors' face daily to find the serenity others lack, so we can show them a difference. And when they come close, we hold them accountable, and point to our Master. I need a lot of training in this. I didn't really do that with the guy who talked my ear off last night, and I had opportunity too. So, for the remainder of the summer, we train and prepare, and come fall, we enter the fray.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, July 12

To Know Him, and The Fellowship of His Suffering…

When I do weddings, the vows I typically use include the promise to commit to the others "self-fulfillment as a person". I have to admit I don't know what that means exactly. Chambers today admonishes me for seeking self-realization. This flies in the face of the challenge to "know thy self". I like that challenge, and have been on a journey something like that for most of my life. The result of this search has been that I am fairly aware of my own problems; oh yeah, and I have been stuck in an addiction for over 20 years.

If I want to know my Master (Philippians 3:10) more than I want to know myself, then I am really on the right track. Paul, my ministry buddy I cannot compete with, says he doesn't examine himself (1 Corinthians 4:3), he only wants to know Jesus. That's pretty amazing to me. I want to know all sorts of stuff; or at least it seems that way. Actually I don't want to not know something when asked or challenged. That is a very different thing. It is clear from Philippians, and the example of Paul, that I should be in pursuit of knowing my Master.

Chambers puts this pursuit of knowledge of my Master in the context of everyday life. That makes sense when I consider that Jesus used examples from daily life to make his points in parables. What made them work and understandable was that He used everyday life. So finding more about my Master in everyday life is not only possible, but follows His lead. My daily life is significantly different from the daily lives of those to whom He told parables. So where in my daily life do I find more knowledge of my Master?

This is dangerous ground. Finding out more information or knowledge is not the same as knowing Him. The knowledge and information is self-focused; where knowing Him is focused on Him and relating with Him. So where and how do I know my Master more in my daily life? That is a better question. And I believe the answer is found in the calls I receive and make during my job, the chats I have with my team, the administrative tasks I decide which to do and which to refer to other departments (giving up control and power to a group I don't trust to do a good job). All these, if I do them with the awareness of the Spirit of my Master's presence and leading, will lead me to know my Master better.

The transformation of my daily work into service to my Master is so slight that observers would not easily pick up on any difference. The difference would be internal and show itself externally as a pervasive overall attitude and personal quality. This has already happened to an extent. In the midst of this huge transition I have experienced a tremendous difference in my response to change. I have not become overwhelmed by fear. I have not resorted to my addictive patterns. I have been able to focus on my Master. I have been thankful and marveled at His provision for my family. I have enjoyed the opportunities for service to customers and my team. I have been able to calmly wait for His timing.

Now I know that I can trust my Master in any circumstance. I know that now experientially, but it will have to be tested again and again since I am prone to weakness and my faith wavers. I am too much like the Israelites wandering in the desert to not need consistent proving and testing to strengthen and deepen the quality of my faith in my Master. And I know He sits over me as a smelter and refiner of gold (Malachi 3:1-3), and uses fire to improve my purity.

So today I will seek to know my Master better in all the aspects of my day. In all I do with my work and family, I will seek to know more deeply the Person I serve, to submit more completely to Him, and worship Him more truly. I will seek to do this in the midst of work and relating to my family. Here I go.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, July 11

Community Purpose Aimed At Community Problems

What am I looking for when I seek a church? This is one of my least favorite things to do; in fact I am more likely to stay in a church with lots of problems and getting nowhere than to go look for another. Part of that is the relational level in churches that I have attended or looked at seems so shallow. I've only found deeper relationships within Bible studies and small groups, not so much the result of a worship gathering. And yet, it is the worship gathering that is normally used to gauge a church. Why is that?

The church we tried last week, and the one we are looking this morning both seem slim on Bible study, at least for adults. Frankly, that's really a problem for me. Small groups are scarce around here. I'm new to the community, so there could be reasons why small groups are impractical, but I doubt it. I suspect people have time for TV, and working on hobbies. If they have that sort of time, they also have time for a small group.

This morning Chambers has a great entry on spiritual sluggishness. And one of his points is that active work is not the same as spiritual activity. The danger he point out is that my focus can become on "spiritual retirement" rather than on The Holy Spirit; he says that the effect can become the cause. I think of it instead as the affects become the focus, where I become more interested in how the Spirit of my Master affects me than on Him. I like the joy and peace, and not so much the "being at His service."

The community I live in has been hit hard by a difficult economy. Economies, in and of themselves, even on a micro scale, are complex. So the answers are rarely easy, but they can be basic. For instance, one common element to any economy is currency. Currency is what determines the inflation or deflation of prices within an economy. Without currency, the economy becomes deflated, but then depression sets in. With too much inflation makes prices soar. Currency is a necessary element, but it requires balance.

A second common element is supply versus demand. There are two large "warehouse" sorts of stores here, Walmart and Lowes. One problem faced by both is the breadth of product options. They are not able to focus on just those brands and types the community is interested in. They, by design are constrained to a broad range of products. This puts them in danger since they can be caught with too much supply, and not enough demand, a problem compounded by their practice of rotating stock seasonally. This is a problem to the community because these are two large employers, and if they go under, so do a lot of jobs, removing the needed currency from the local economy.

So the problems of this community are not easily solved because they are intertwined, interrelated, and complex. Simple solutions are difficult to find. These problems foster depression and hopelessness, and those emotions make people easy prey for the evil one. The dark cloud of evil is often brought on by the darkness of hopelessness.

Spiritual activity may not solve the economic problems enabling people to get what they want where they are. But that is not the core problem Jesus came to solve. Getting at the heart of the problem of the human soul is more His interest. So, any spiritual activity must be focused there. When people are lifted from their hopelessness, they will be able to respond to their economic circumstances with the vision my Master provides, not something I come up with. That is what they need, the direction of my Master. And I am proof that He provides such vision. I am here as proof of that provision.

So where do I provide such assistance; in a worship service? Not likely. These are things most easily provided and accomplished in a small group. So, perhaps this is my "heading" for charting the direction my Master is leading.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, July 10

Service Impossible

I can't serve the Lord either. In Joshua 27:19, after the people have said that they would serve Yahweh, Joshua replies that they can't. And it was true, they couldn't. It's also true for me. I am capable of a lot of things. I speak to people about stuff and sound so knowledgeable, and about a lot of it I am, and about some of it I guess. It's my job, and I do a fairly good job of it. I adapt, I learn, I seek answers and solve problems really well. So it is very easy for me to become self-reliant.

But I cannot serve my Master. It's not that I don't want to serve Him it's that I'm not capable of serving my Master. Think about it: It is my Master who made the sun with all its shockingly destructive and horrifying power; He made stay where it is, a massive hydrogen fusion explosion constrained by the gravity of its own mass, and keeping massive solid bodies of rock and gas in motion around it. This is the sort of thing my Master has done, and from the looks of just this galaxy, He's done it over and over with astonishing variety yet regularity.

I can install a ceiling fan, sort of, under good circumstances, with lots of trips to the store for stuff I forgot or was ignorant I needed. Is it reasonable to expect that I can serve such a Master? I can't. It isn't reasonable. Yet my Master calls me into service. He calls me to wait, worship, and walk before Him. He reminds me that He loves me (the ceiling fan challenged servant), that He has my back, and that I am to be at His service. The only explanation is that He chooses to use me for His pleasure, because He wants to. It can't be because He needs me for anything in particular. It cannot be that. It must be for His pleasure. Perhaps I'm fun to watch flounder around in my self-importance.

So, in this calling to walk in service, I walk, seeking what? The only ability my Master has given me which is useful to Him is my ability to choose. That is what was given in the garden at first. That's where the wheels came off, where our race nose-dived, where what was beautiful and full of life died in an ugly fashion. The only thing that survived was the ability to choose. But then the choice was to obey or not. Now the choice is to submit or not. It's a semantic difference, but an important one. They both deal with trust, faith, hope, and a view of myself in relation to my Master. But when it comes down to it, I can choose to submit to my Master and His perspective, or choose to live in submission to the master of the air and his perspective of me. It sounds like an easy choice. The problem is that I like the initial perspective of the master of the air. It's a perspective of apparent power and strength and security. It looks good in the packaging. Unwrapped it's a disaster.

Today, I bring my ability to choose into play. I choose to submit to my Master, and His perspective. He wants me to do something, and I'm not sure why. It entails investigating or interviewing a pastor. I think it's to encourage and support him, but I have no idea what for, what any particular problem might be, or anything. It seems I have something to learn. So, I need to learn it. That takes submission. I choose my Master. That much I can do. The rest is up to Him.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, July 9

Focusing On What I Do Know of My Master’s Will

I know that my Master has led me and my "household" out here to Nevada. I don't know why yet. I am anxious to discover it, but again, my call is to wait, worship, and walk before Him. So, I will. My black box came yesterday, and it works fine. I plugged into the phone system at work, caught some calls and made some money on inbound calls. It's for real now. Curtains are on windows, most of the boxes are gone (from inside the house), and the house is looking more like it belongs to us. We are here, but why?

The neighborhood is really quiet during the day. I saw two kids out yesterday afternoon, and they have been the first two I've seen in a week. I see a car now and then going up or down the street, but very few. It's as if we're going to have to go out and find people, they aren't going to be just waiting around for us in their yards. It's kind of like the beginning of a scary movie where there is something sinister in the neighborhood, and no one talks about it. I suspect is just summer and everyone is hiding in the air conditioned interior of their homes, or at work. I suspect it has more to do with X-Boxes and Wii's than some sinister person (those are sinister enough).

Can I maintain my composure in this position until my Master reveals to us what we're here for? That is the real question. I believe I can, just, as Chambers points out, as long as my will is aligned loyally to my Master. The key in this situation is for me to maintain the focus of my will on my Master. Right now He has placed me in a situation to do my job under much greater, more intimate scrutiny than before. Now I office with my wife. She gets to hear me on the phone with customers. I have to ensure that, to an even higher degree, I honor her as well as my Master while I'm doing my job. My daughter can hear me, and I need to honor her as well. I am a witness to my family in this time and place.

I suspect there is more to this than bearing witness to my family, but I will have to wait for the rest. Today, I will be faithful what I do have, and my will is to be loyal to my Master in my job. I will do it.

As a side note, I have to admit it is fun struggling with the challenge of having my mind in two time zones at once. The work computer is in Central Time, and I live in Pacific Time. It's weird, and challenging enough to keep my attention. It's very engaging, but that can't sustain me for long. I'll get the hang of it, and will eventually have to maintain my focus without it.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, July 8

Hiking the Rough Road to Life, Or I Will Be Sometime

The gate is narrow and the path is difficult leading to life (Matthew 7:14). Chambers focuses on the mention that the path is difficult. The word used for "difficult" means to rub together between the fingers. As an adjective it's very descriptive, and easily conveys the image of difficulty. So, my path is supposed to be as if I were rubbed between the fingers of my Master. No wonder few find this gate and path. They are probably not looking for one thing. I don't know many people looking for a way of life characterized by being rubbed between the fingers of God.

And yet, I find there are a lot of things I use where that is something I do with them, especially to clean off certain types of things, like rubber cement, or other glue. There is a benefit to cleaning things this way instead of with soap and water. By rubbing some things between my fingers, I can roll them into a tight tube. So there are some practical aspects of such a difficult life.

My day now is spent at home, and yet on the phone with customers. It's somewhat surreal to be able to take a break and go into my own kitchen to get a snack. That's not bad, but when the dogs in the neighborhood get riled up, it's a bit of a difficult explanation as what that "noise" in the background is about. I can't tune out all the noises of home, squabbles, dogs, appliances, TV, and so on. My daughter likes to be able to come in and hug me and I like that too. But she also notices that I'm focused on what I'm doing, and can't spend time with her. It's still an 8-hour job, and so I'm more accessible, but only slightly so.

But I doubt this is the "difficult" way leading to life. I'm not sure when that comes now that we're here in Nevada. Perhaps it is found in the additional down-sizing we have to do as we unpack. Perhaps it will be in the search for a church. We found one that seems sad for some reason. I don't know if that is normal for them, but it was fairly pronounced. We intend to try another one this Sunday, but there is a part of me that is fascinated by the troubles of that first church.

I don't know where the troubles are, but they will come. The gate is narrow and the path is hard, but it leads to life. Few find it for whatever reason, but it leads to life. I want life, so I will follow it, hard or easy, or through whatever terrain. I have my stout stick, my pack with water bag, a wide hat, and sturdy boots. It sounds a bit like what I normally wore to work in Texas. Happy Trails!

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, July 7

A Quick Post About A Missing Crisis

I start my first day of really working. Since the magic black box is missing, I will be calling customers on my cell phone. This is probably one of my least favorite parts of the job, but it is necessary. It's searching for that golden needle in a haystack. I usually end up in a longer sales process rather than sell right then over the phone, but sometimes it works out. So eight hours of it will be tough.

Chambers says that my Master's vision of what I am to be is worked out in difficulty. I don't know if this counts, but I certainly don't see it as a time to cave to vile cravings. I'm tired, and we have decided to change our routine such that coffee is pushed off for about an hour. I don't like that much. It is what it is, but still. I'm tired, bleary-eyed, and now know I need to hit the sack earlier. I learn slowly I suppose.

But this is, again, not the difficulty Chambers is writing about. I suppose that is coming. There will be that dark valley where it seems I am furthest away from the vision of what I am to be. I guess in that valley will be another test to see if I will give into temptation; or rather another opportunity to resist said temptation. I have more to do on the house, and some things to setup before my wife travels next month. We have a church to find, and other things to work out (doctors, mechanics, and so on). But none of these would seem to be a defining crisis.

Well, now it's time to stop this and work out to a "demonic" trainer. It's good for me, but tough. But even this is not the defining problem where my Master works over my character making it into the vision He desires. When that happens, I will blog about it. Never fear.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, July 6

Waiting for It, IT, or my Master

It is finally July 5, and today I had planned to start work. The "black box" is not here, I have not hooked up the computer to my network (I will do that this morning), and I have no idea what happens now. My plan has come up empty. I did not plan with my Master in view, as Chambers puts it. I planned what I wanted. Silly me.

Today is a new world with new rules, new prospects, and new possibilities. Today begins this period where I finally see what it was my Master called me out here for. Here I continue my calling to wait, worship, and walk before Him. Today begins a new chapter where I do the thing which worked so well up to this time; I wait.

I work while waiting. I have fields to prepare for the rains my Master is bringing. I have work to do around this house, once the 'work' setup is complete. I have things to do constantly which naturally result from moving half-way across the country. I have lots of work, which means I have lots of opportunities to walk before my Master, in the midst of worshipping and waiting.

Well, I guess I better get at it. "Hi Ho, Hi Ho, it's off to work I go!"

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, July 5

Fretting About What I Can’t Control

The word that Chambers focuses on in Psalm 37:8 is translated "fret" in the Revised Version he quotes. The word used in Hebrew is "Charah" which means "to burn with anger." The Hebrew stem adds the sense of causing yourself to do something, so it really has the sense of "causing yourself to burn with anger." The English word "fret" has the sense of wearing away, corroding, and gnawing away, and is rarely associated with anger. Perhaps at the turn of the previous century, the word related more to anger than current usage. I only found one reference to anger or fury as a possible synonym, but it occurred first in the list of possibilities, so perhaps it was more common at one time. It wasn't what sprung to mind as a possible translation when I looked at it.

In the discussion Chambers follows on this, it would have more to do with worry instead of anger anyway. The context of the Psalm seems to imply something of sitting and fuming while waiting, as in waiting in anger for Yahweh to punish those evil people. So, it can be the sense of fret, but with the strong implication that this fretting is done with anger. Oh, and before I leave this discussion of this word, notice that it is used in poetry, and therefore suspect in usage. I say that because poets try very hard to use related words, for a topic, and meanings may be stretched somewhat. So, this may not be the most common usage of this word in Hebrew, and those in that day probably picked up on shade of meaning lost to me over the past 3,000 years. I admit it could happen.

Chambers ties fretting to several things. First, he says I need to avoid it in the times things are not going my way; second, my fretting lets my wicked selfishness show; and third, my fret shows my lack of faith. He cools this meaning down to worry rather than anger, and in doing so, makes the application much more personal, and more common. It might be easy for me to say that I don't wait in anger very often, but I have to admit that I do fret in some way or another more commonly.

For instance, I expected to start working my job remotely tomorrow. The magic "black box" I needed to do so hasn't even been built yet (at least, not to my knowledge). So, now it looks as if I have another week to wait before I begin work. In order to begin work, I will have to configure, test, re-configure, re-test, and so on the equipment I use to do my job. I can plan on it not working the first time. So, that being the case, I have much waiting to do. I don't like it. I worry about it. I don't like the fact that I am burning up time off or taking days without pay to get this thing setup. I don't like it, partly because I have some rather large sales I am waiting on that I expect this coming week. I really hate that! So, you see, I fret in anger. I do not trust my Master. And I lack faith; at least not in this.

The reality I struggle to accept is that the Master of Timing knows my circumstances, and, for whatever reason, has not decided to let me begin work when I wanted to. He has other plans to which I need to submit. And I need to submit not only because that is what a servant does to his master, but because the plans of my Master are greater, more important plans than I can imagine. And it is a mighty act of grace on His part to include me in His plans. If I have to take time-off-without-pay, that is not a surprise to my Master, it is a part of His purpose. So be it.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, July 4