Chambers referred to Revelation 1:7 where John says that Jesus will come in the clouds and every eye will see Him. Instead of focusing on the Second Coming, Chambers focuses on the clouds. That threw me. Ironically, his figurative use of clouds is a good depiction of where I am at the moment. For whatever reason, the depression I used to live with as normal is back. I am looking for all sorts of external reasons, and nothing fits. My circumstances are simply too good to explain depression, but I have been away from these feelings long enough to now recognize the difference, and that these are not the way things have to be.
So why are they here? I am not among the clouds of Chambers' entry. The sky of my relationship and life with my Master should be clear. I think, still using Chambers' use of clouds, that I have found another element making up those things in the dust of my Master's feet. The truth is that He is here with me, among these feelings, like Chambers says. Yet I sense nothing. No sense of His presence, no sense of His closeness, no sense of His Spirit penetrates this emotional "fog".
I can look back over the past week and see that it has been creeping up on me. But it is here now. There has to be an explanation. The explanation that was there before was that I needed an anti-depressant. I have been using one faithfully for well over six months. But recently I had to change brands, and I suspect this one is inferior to what I had been using. Just writing that brings out this feeling like it seems such a lame excuse. But I know that voice. I have been here before and I recognize the thought patterns of this emotional place. Those thoughts stem from a desire to be strong, to have no weakness, to not need anything or anyone; death.
I am in need, I have several serious weaknesses, I know the other side of what I feel now, and I don't like where I am. I know intellectually that the only time I will be without need is when I am dead. If I live, I am in need and dependent on others in this world. I cannot escape what my Master has made me. I cannot escape His purpose in designing me to be dependent. And I cannot escape His grace which, in the midst of my frailties, treats me as an equal; even while wallowing in this morass of depressing emotions.
The clouds of dust at the feet of my Master mark His presence. And they mark the point at which I must submit and obey. This is where being a knight of His Realm comes to the forefront, because here it is dark, and I need courage to proceed. I serve the Master of this Universe, and all else which may exist. There is no where I can go where He is not already at work, even here in my emotional state. Waiting has now turned to a need to worship, more than ever. And in that worship to submit to the path He has set before me through this darkness. And through it I must remember who I am, who He has made me, and what He has called me to be.
Enough drama, I really need to just suck it up and make a doctor's appointment. I don't know one here, but there is only one in this tiny place that takes my insurance. At least the choice of doctor is easy, now to see if he is still taking patients. Well, so I don't go to fight some dragon. I go in weakness to accept myself as I am, so I can submit, as I am, to my Master. It's really that simple. The stuff before sounded real good though, like I was facing some real monster or something. No monster, just my own frailty, which is more like a tiny ugly rodent rather than a monster. Well, time for a better "mouse trap". I have a phone call to make.
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