Facing the Tyranny of Boxes

One of those nagging fears at the back of my mind is the fear that I am not devoted to my Master, and am only pretending. One of the problems with this fear is the inherent insanity. It opens up this vista of my interior that I admit I have no knowledge of. Having no knowledge of myself in any particular area is one of those things that really bugs me. As you might imagine, I spend a lot of my life bugged. I surprise myself way too often. Chambers claims that no one can be devoted to Jesus unless the Holy Spirit causes it within them. In a sense this is very comforting because of this insane fear. I don't have to know about this area of myself because it is dependent on another anyway.

If you've kept up with that tidbit of weirdness, let me explore another. The response to my lack of self-knowledge is grounded in self-centered rebellion toward my Master. I am called to submit to what He is transforming me into, to do the work He has prepared for me beforehand, and to walk about in that purpose for eternity. There is no room for "fear" of what I don't know about myself. If I am truly submitted to my Master there should be little I am aware of about myself. In fact, the only thing I should really be conscious of is my connection to my Master. Much of what I do, say, and think should, to a very high degree, appear random.

In fact, I am here in Nevada for following such a program of randomness. I received a lot of strange looks from people when I explained what I was doing and why. But with the provision so clear and evident, it was hard to argue against the apparent randomness. It worked, and in this country, pragmatism is "king", summarized in one of our favorite phrases, "whatever works!" So even though what I did in moving out here was difficult to explain, the only sense of it was obedience to my Master, and His consequent provision. This provision confirmed even before we moved that we were doing the right thing. This could only mean that part of what my Master was doing was intended to impact those we left behind.

But we also have a story to bring with us. We have only begun to explain to those here why we're here. I have no idea how this will affect those we come into contact with here. Perhaps that is part of what my Master is leading us into, but I suspect there is much more. The problem I face at the moment is a house of boxes causing me to be unsettled (duh! I just moved halfway across country and I feel unsettled, go figure). What would I expect, yet this too stems from this sense of inherent rebellion toward my Master. The trust has begun to ebb, and I have to again envelope myself in His Spirit. Whenever I try to leave that safe place of my Master's Spirit, the fears of the unknown, including the unknown of my own interior, flood in and threaten to overwhelm me. It's an ugly unfriendly place out there.

So, the application for today is to remain, or abide, or simply exist as a branch connected to the Vine of my Master. I am to retreat into Him rather than survey the unknown vistas of my interior. I am to allow my fears to be swallowed up in the love of my Master, His protection, and to respond to the resulting peace with worship and living before Him. The boxes won't unpack themselves, but I can do a box at a time, or perhaps a room at a time. The timing of my Master is better than my hurry for a comfortable semblance of symmetry and order. My definitions of those terms are so lacking anyway (just look at my work desk some time). The definitions of my Master are much more complex, even to the extent of appearing random. I'll let that be His concern, and work on another room. Perhaps the closet, that's a small room…with way too much in it. Maybe the living room would be better.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, July 2