There is something difficult to conceptualize about life with my Master. The passive mode of the action is difficult. It means that I am not the actor or the subject, but the extra or object. The passive mode in the actions of this life means that is not really mine at all. That is hard for me to conceptualize. I still live and think and move as if I am the actor and subject of my life. Yet much of what happens to me and around me has little or nothing to do with me at all.
In some sense I feel guilty for feeling like an observer of my life rather than the one living it. On the other hand, I see things with the finger prints of my Master all over them, and know that this is how it is supposed to be. People may see me, but soon it should become clear that they can ignore me and focus on the One working through me. That's way it should be, but is not yet the way it is.
I still want to become holy or attain holiness. That's impossible. As Chambers points out, sanctification happens when the holy nature of Jesus is created within me. This has already happened, but I struggle to relax into it. I still struggle with the expectations of others and the felt obligations of my life. Why it is so hard for me to trust the Master of the Universe with those trivial things bewilders me. How much does He need to show me before I can relax into Him?
At work, I sense pressure to follow a process. When I worked for Countrywide Home Loans, I felt that same pressure. I want to solve a problem, complete a task, but these desires in my job are people-pleasing desires toward the customer. That is no better a choice than to feel enslaved to the obligations to my company. Neither one is Jesus. I have an obligation to be transformed. That may not please either, but since the transformation happens to me, and is accomplished by the Sustainer and Maker of the vast ends of the Universe, chances are good that both will be happy.
I suppose it's possible that in submitting to the holiness of my Master within me and not trying to please my company obligations the company will become disenchanted with my position (remote working) and remove my job. But then, why would my Master work so thoroughly to make it happen in the first place? I think it makes more sense to let my fear go and obey the obligation I have to my Master. Let Him work out the work details. In submitting to Him, I will see His provision for the requirements of my job.
The Holiness of Jesus within me means that obligations to anything but Him do not exist for me. That is a scary proposition because the "what-if" siren goes off in my brain questioning the goodness of my Master. Even that is not exactly true; the "what-if" noise really comes from my fear to release control. I am afraid to walk with a blindfold. It's not that I don't believe my Master is good; it's that I don't want to release control even if He is. I suppose this is where foolishness becomes a moral quality. In the passage Chambers uses, the whole thing says, "But from Him you are in Christ Jesus, who became the wisdom of God to us, and righteousness, and sanctification and redemption." So, yes, Jesus is my sanctification. But He is also the wisdom of God to me. My foolishness denies His sanctification in me, and that is a moral issue.
I think of all those things though. I think of wisdom of God, righteousness, sanctification, and redemption, and I wonder, "What else do I need?" Really, what else is there? If I live connected to the One creating the stars I saw last night, of various hue and size, the vast clouds of hydrogen, and the clusters of ancient suns, do I have additional needs? Even if He does not provide food and water or house or money to attain either, what if I die, has He defrauded me? Isn't losing my life here and now mean that I know Him face-to-face perfected in His glory? I guess those aren't my fears.
If I am honest, my fears are not that I will die. My fear is that I will live a hard life. If anyone reads this that was alive during the depression, I am sorry for even thinking that, considering what so many even in this "modern age" suffers through. But it is true; I fear living a hard life. I don't even know what a "hard life" is. Perhaps that is why I fear it so much. If I were more familiar with a "hard life" I might perhaps my fear would be dissolved in the reality. But I don't know, and I do fear. So, in my fear, I must trust my Master, submit to His Holy Nature within me, and live the passive verbs of life with God. Surrealism is not just an art-form any more, it has become a paradigm I must accept.
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