One of the things that caused me no end of shame when in the ministry was the felt obligation to "grow" my church. Being a closet-addict didn't help with the shame pool, in fact the church obligation was really just a drop in the bucket. But part of the problem of that felt obligation was the nagging suspicion that I couldn't grow any church, and that I wasn't supposed to be able. After all, if I was able to grow any church, then I would be master of my own church. That just doesn't make any sense.
The statistic my denomination wanted to know was the number of baptisms. Well, there weren't many. Eventually, the statistic became the number of churches planted. It was a mission church itself, and was never able to stand on its own, so no other churches were planted. The church was never what the normal statistic keeping world wanted. So, in that world, I was a failure, shame on me.
I understand that knowing whether something is going wrong or not is important, I'm just not sure those statistics are the right dipstick. If they were, then small churches in small communities would never be considered spiritual growth centers. At some point in those sorts of communities, a maximum saturation point is reached. Besides, what is the point of getting people inside the church if they never change once there? This is the point where I believe Chambers begins his use of Matthew 5:3.
I had several fellow preachers say that we had to get them lost before we could save them. Where do I begin with all the things wrong with that statement? First off, what are we doing that can be considered either one of those? Isn't that what my Master does? The abject lack of dependence upon my Master is what is wrong with that statement. There is no "poverty of spirit" in it that demonstrates ownership in the Kingdom of Heaven.
I was more impoverished spiritually than most people I came across, but I couldn't reveal that because I was the "pastor" and we have no spiritual weaknesses. After you're done laughing I'll continue. As an addict, I was more familiar with spiritual poverty than most. But instead of going to my Master and claiming ownership of the Kingdom of Heaven, I wallowed in shame, adding more fuel to the addiction. It can't be of any surprise that I have had such a time gaining freedom from this malady of mind and spirit. It was driven by the same foolishness propagated by regular church life.
I tried though. I tried to call myself a "bell-sheep" but they wanted me to be a shepherd. I tried to be one of them, but they wanted a priest. They wanted me to be Jesus with skin on, and to an extent they were right, but they excused themselves from the same requirement since they weren't the "pastor". That was the problem I could not overcome. I was the only one who was supposed to be a true believer. That's a lonely position to be in.
The truth is and will always be that I am empty before my Master. He declares me to be of value, and what value I have, in the economy of His Kingdom, is there because of that declaration. I didn't attain it, I didn't earn it, and it isn't inherent in my makeup or character. He declares me to be valuable enough to be worth the unimaginable event of His death, separation from the Trinity. I can't even imagine myself to be that valuable. I am completely impoverished before such esteem as my Master lavishes on me.
That was the message I should have brought to my church, but was afraid to live out. To live out that message is to hang my weaknesses out for the world to witness. But how else can that same world witness the work of my Master in my life? And isn't that the point?
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