Self-Discovery Hikes Require a Guide

One of the basic ground rules about my posts on this blog as been to keep it first-person.  Rather than tell the reader about themselves, I have endeavoured to reveal myself.  If the reader discovers themselves somewhere in there, that is a bonus, but not the goal.  The goal has been discovering something within myself as I let my Master guide me along.  The venue was chosen because I believe that this sort of journey requires some accountability, but also because what I discover has been affecting people around me anyway, they might as well know why.  I have found that, a lot of the time, others see me more clearly than I see myself.

As Jesus sat on a beach eating a fish breakfast with His disciples, as He watched them and they watched Him, there was hope in their eyes, but also some shame.  This was most likely especially true for Peter.  The setting takes place after Jesus has risen, so Peter has boldly claimed that he will die for Jesus, only to deny Him that very night.  He is a floundering leader.  He has discovered the end of his illusions about himself, come to terms with the stark reality of his frailty, and yet also the deep draw he has to his Master and Teacher.  Even though he fails Jesus in the courtyard of the high priest, he still jumps from the boat and swims to his waiting Master on the beach.  The boat was too slow, he had to be with the One he had denied three days earlier.  I can only imagine the conversation around the fire, or lack of it as glances at each other rounded the circle several times.  I imagine Peter just staring into the fire.  How can he broach the subject of what he has done, but how can he ignore it?  So Jesus begins His series of questions, "Peter, do you love me?"  Peter says yes, but shifts uncomfortably, waiting for the coming accusation of "Well, then what was that in the courtyard?"  Instead, he is told to feed Jesus' sheep, not what he was expecting, and neither was the question being repeated, "Peter, do you love me?"  Again, yes.  Again, feed my sheep.  But the third time it becomes clear to Peter that his three denials were not the end of his story, nor the mark of his devotion.  The third time Jesus asks, Peter is grieved.  There is this deep pain in his heart.  That is the pain I seek in this journey of self-discovery.  "Jesus, You know all things.  You know that I love you."  It sometimes requires me to experience grieving pain to finally reach that conclusion.

What I am attempting through this blog is to create that setting around the fire with breakfast fish and my Master, shared with others who also seek to know Him better.  I want those questions to be asked of me, the grieving pain in my heart to reveal the depths of my true devotion to my Master.  Because as I have said clearly in these posts, I too have denied Him with my life choices.  I too have purported to be His loyal follower, only to cave when the going got "inconvenient".  I know the feelings of shame Peter felt even though the intensity of the circumstances were different.  In some ways that makes it worse, because I sold Him out for less.  And yet I too sense this radical acceptance from my Master; an impossible Grace surrounding me and penetrating my very being.  I discover on this journey inward that my Master is also my Guide, and I find things He points out I would have ignored.  He shows me through His questioning where my devotion lies, and pushes me to be that person He designed me to be.  The shell may be scarred by my mistakes, but He made the core to never change from His design.  I am truly who He makes me, regardless of who I have tried to be.  What value is intrinsic to me, is there only because my Master views me as such.  And He considers this wayward, stubborn, cranky, prideful, self-centered servant a Knight of the Realm, Servant to the King.