Abandoned or Selfish

As I sit and look on a beautiful sunrise over Lake Benbrook, I am once again struck by Who I call Master. It's natural, I suppose, to think of the artist when confronted with the masterpiece. But does the weight of this knowledge become so enormous that I fail to live as though it's true? Chambers discussion of "abandonment" causes me to wonder if I trust my Master to care for those dear to me enough for me to leave my concern for them on the altar and be completely abandoned to His call and purposes. Or does my concern for them become an excuse I use to delay or ignore His call and purpose? This is especially difficult for me because I am so aware of my selfishness. I have a bad track record of neglect for my family to achieve my own ends, or indulge some desire of mine. So, now to claim that this choice is to become abandoned to God and is not like the others is tough for them to accept, and hard for me to claim. Honestly I don't necessarily trust myself. But where are lines? I just paused my writing to assemble bikes for my family, and fix a neighbor kid's bike. Was that wrong? Was that leaving my devotion to God for devotion to family? I think not. Devotion to my writing or even this blog is not the same as devotion to God. So, you see how easy it is for me to confuse my desires with devotion to God? This is why I don't trust myself. I hope that, within the struggle itself, I discover a pattern of abandonment to God in my attitude and behavior. I hope.

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