Today's devotional from My Utmost For His Highest is really an extension of yesterdays. But it is a good extension. It reminded me of something I used to say in my younger, perhaps more holy, days. I used to tell the youth I worked with after I was in the Army that, "whatever you see in me that you don't like or is bad is the real me. Whatever you see that is good, right, and admirable is God in me, and not really me." I said this because at that point of my life, I knew that I had this sin in my life, and that I did not let anyone into its existence. But I also said that because I was very aware that my Master was at work in me, and was doing some pretty amazing things in and through me. Those things helped me maintain this sense that I may not be perfect, but I was usable to my Master. That was sometimes a sense of pride, sometimes a point of encouragement.
But somewhere along the way, I either heard or read that we should be proud of the good within, that the work of Jesus and His Spirit are the real us, and that we should take credit for those things, own them and respond with gratitude when others point them out. Now I admit that I probably missed a very important point of whoever wrote/said that. It is very possible that the person meant that we should be aware and proud of what God has done, not proud of ourselves. But what I heard was somewhat askew from that. Well, I bought into that perception way too deeply, and was brought into stark realization that I could not maintain any sense of being good enough or acceptable enough to my Master. But I also took on the expectation I assumed others had of me that I be that good or acceptable to my Master. I doubt they had that much expectation of me and were probably more aware of my foibles and weaknesses than I thought they were.
In John 3:29, John the Baptist says that the one having the bride is the bridegroom (duh), and that the friend of the bridegroom, rather than jealous or competitive for the bride, rejoices at the joy of hearing the bridegroom while waiting for him. This is how John saw himself in relation to Jesus. He saw that his mission and work, and even popularity, was that of the friend of the bridegroom, rather than the bridegroom. So, his joy was filled to overflowing that Jesus was getting more attention than him. This must be my attitude as well.
When I was in ministry, one thing that seemed to work well for me was working with fringe members or people in the community or church life. They were the people new to church, or new Christians, or for whom all the stuff of church had not sunk in or clouded their minds and hearts. With these, I seemed able to work and make headway. Church-people really didn't like me much, I seemed to make them uncomfortable. I did that on purpose, but it also alienated me from them. If you have read previous entries you might pick up on statements where I said I was afraid of them. I was. I was afraid that church people would see through me easier, and somehow find out I was not as "sinless" as I expected that they expected me to be. I inferred from their implication that I was supposed to be perfect. The problem is that I doubt they ever really implied that, I just inferred it. Sure they wanted me to be without slavery to some secret sin, and would not have been overjoyed to know that I was, but they were astute enough to know that everyone sins.
Back to the success with fringe people, though. There was something fresh about working with them that I was drawn to, and successful with. They allowed me to be who I was without expecting me to be in the mold of "preachers". They didn't know what that would be like. I think they found me refreshing because I was not what they imagined preachers to be like. And I had this identity with their distrust of the hypocrisy in church that they liked as well. In some ways I was enabling of wrong perceptions, but in others ways I helped bridge the gap between lone devotion and corporate worship. In either case, I still used that phrase claiming all my good was Jesus, all my bad was really me. It was somewhere in the space after that ministry, in the midst of the clouds of depression, in the haze of self pity that I heard (or thought I heard) that I was good.
Honestly, anyone who has wrestled with Calvinism and TULIP theology has wrestled with this issue. And Calvinism is not ambiguous in its view that humans are totally depraved. So this was something I had traveled out of and back into several times, even during my ministry. How depraved is total? Is "depraved" even the right word here? Total is total, and yes, it is the right word. I am the friend of the bridegroom who is in the background of the pictures when I appear at all. The good in me is truly Jesus and what His Spirit has done in my life. The bad stuff is made up of remnants of my rebellion against Him. My joy is found and experienced when who I am and what I do point people to my Master. He is the One who makes anything good in me evident. He does that because He wants to my weaknesses and frailties to point to His amazing power and grace. He wants to display His power to use and do wonderful things with such fractured people. He wants to encourage the world with the evidence of His grace which calls anyone in any circumstances to come to Him. I am proof He chooses to use anyone.
So, I hope you read and are encouraged. I hope you consider these things, and think of my Master's desire for you. But I did not write this for you to gain this insight, but rather to confess that I am gaining it; that I don't already posses it, but I am gaining it. It is the evidence of the grace and power of my Master which pulls me up from the ground toward the light of His Son. He is the Master Farmer, I am the stalk of...whatever He planted.
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