In the movie, City Slickers, the old crusty dangerous trail boss, Curly, has a secret to life: "One thing, you figure out what that is, and all the rest don't mean..." well, that's why the movie was PG, not G. Anyway, Paul has a similar philosophy, but he discloses what that "one thing" is supposed to be. In 2 Corinthians 5:9 my familiar ministry buddy, Paul says that we strive with gusto to be pleasing to our Master. First off, context that provides the motivation is the knowledge and preference to be before the throne of the Master, in other words, we're all going to die. Second, the response is an intensified form of just striving, or having a goal in mind. Whether alive or gone on to heaven, we want to be pleasing to our Master, so says Paul.
This sounds great, but once again, my buddy Paul refuses to support the model of ministry I pursued. Because of my weakened self perception (not one of total acceptability through the grace of my Master) I sought to prop that self-perception with the praise of people. People at a church, any church, are not the best place to find such a prop. This is espcially true for the one out in front, leading through this life with our Master. For whatevery reason, the one in this position really become a target for derision rather than a beacon of hope or something else positive. There are plenty of examples of this, one of my favorite is Moses, who is constantly providing both his Master and his people reminders that he is an imperfect human leader. While the people of Israel may praise him now, and sing his acolades in every synagogue around the globe today, they had a real problem following him in the wilderness. Proof after proof was provided, and still they challenged his leadership or fitness to lead. Tough gig.
In my attempt to lead, my focus left the one Paul describes. If I had sought only to be pleasing to my Master, not trying to be "accepted" but pleasing to Him, there would have been a lot I would have done differently. My attitude sure would have been different. And I did try this over and over. I did seek to acquire and live out this attitude of being accepted already, just trying to please Him, but I could not disconnect pleasing Him from being acceptable. I still sought to earn a place before Him, having already been freely given that place, and called to walk about in it. So, the pain and shame I felt from not accepting that I was already accepted I medicated with my favorite smelly dog-toy of a habbit. The habbit fed my shame, and this cycle kept me from really being a pastor that these people needed. I have no idea if I could have made a difference in their lives, but I do know that the experience would have been very different for me. My pain at their rejection would not have devestated me as it did. My shame at failing at my calling would not have kept me from it for so long, or at all. I may not have left in the first place. I don't know what specifically would have been different, and not much good can come of guessing, I just know that it would have been different.
So what about now? Now I still have the challenge to make pleasing Jesus my "one thing." I still can, this morning, change from pleasing whoever for whatever reason to pleasing only my Master for the amazing gift of already being accepted as I am. I can't change or even make up for mistakes of focus in the past. But I can change today. Even with the mistakes in the past, I am still accepted today. That lack of focus because of a perceived lack of acceptance did not negate my acceptability before my Master. Can you accept that? I think I can, but it is a real stretch of my imagination. It will take practice, and I should begin (or continue) today. Who cares what others think except the Other who is my Master? If He ain't happy, don't much matter who else might be. If I can't focus on pleasing Him, then there is really no point to trying to please others. Well, now it's time to exercise this body to the tune of 20 minutes with Jillian Michaels. But I don't have to meet her expectations or those of my wife and daughter, only my Master. He will accept me regardless of how strong my body is or how dedicated I might be to some physical regemine. But here I go anyway.
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