Somehow, Chambers was reading my mind last night. No, wait, he's no longer living, so he was reading my mind 100 years ago…no, that's not it either. Instead, my Master, knowing the work of His enemy, prepared in advance that I would stumble into this entry when I needed it most. I love it when He does that, but it's also scary in an intimidating way (as He should be). Last night I caved in a mental battle. I tried to resist against my old foe, fantasies, but gave in. The problem is that I permitted myself to entertain unholy thought patterns. And, yes, I permitted it, it wasn't just temptation.
Sure I was tired, but it didn't last all night. I eventually defeated it by reminding myself that I can't permit these things like that. And they stopped, and I dropped off to sleep. But for a while, I entertained them. The entry this morning draws from 2 Corinthians 10:5 where Paul is writing, defending himself against detractors in that church. In this part, he is saying that the weapons of their warfare (and his) are not carnal even though they live lives in their bodies. Rather these weapons are divinely powerful to take down reasoning and lofty high places, and lead thoughts captive to Jesus.
That is what I needed. I needed to take those thoughts captive to my Master. I needed to use the weapons provided to me (on loan by the way) to destroy the reasoning process and exalted thing in my mind that permitted such thought trains. Something in my mind was exalted over my Master, even for that time. Some reasoning justified that circumstance defeating my position with my Master. It was all a battle in my mind, but it was a battle just the same. This is the field of battle I need to focus on each evening, each morning, every work day, and weekends (no Sunday's off).
An element here is interesting. Last night I volunteered to lead a small group in my neighborhood. I see one is needed, and our church doesn't have one. I'm thinking of those in the neighborhood who clearly don't attend anywhere regardless of what they believe. The very night I volunteer, my old enemy rises up in my mind, and for a time, defeats me. I am reminded of my frailty, of my inability to function apart from my Master. In this task of a small group, I will need to follow the process my Master taught me to bring me out here. I will need to wait, worship, and walk before Him.
And as I follow this pattern, I will need to again strengthen myself by praying again and again with the words, "You love me. You have my back. And I am at Your service." I need to remember these things if I am to move fearlessly yet submissively toward any sort of small group. I will wait for the timing of my Master, the place my Master desires, and for those He brings to it. I will have to fade more than I have. Last night, as I worked at the church, my mental fight was against my old desires to be well respected in the congregation. I must be pleased to be ignored! I MUST. I must remember that IT IS NOT ABOUT ME!
My "old man" is still within me (not my dad, my old nature) fighting for life. He has not had much opportunity since I have ducked all leadership duties in the past nine months. Now that I would consider one again, up he springs (elevated high place to be destroyed). I won that fight last night, happy to work outside the social networking going on around me. That sort of thing is part of church, and I didn't exclude myself, I simply continued to work on what I was doing until finished. I focused on the service, not my status. It is a spiritual discipline that I should have continued into my sleeping hours.
So, today, my application will be to submit my thoughts, reasoning, excuses, and whining to my Master; exchanging my garbage for His treasure. It doesn't seem fair, but He asks me to do it. I guess I better get after it. Work provides ample opportunities for whining and bad reasoning on my part, not to mention excuses and whining (did I mention the bad reasoning… right, there it is). Pardon me while I strap on the ill-fitting armor and heavy weapons of my Master. It looks funny (or I do in it), but it sure is effective (or actually, He is). My heavens, it's not about me, it's not about me, it's not about me…
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