It is one thing to say that I was created to glorify my Master. It is a much more expansive thing to say that the way He glorifies Himself through me is by using me to love the whole world. Loving the whole world is not something I do well. I get focused on myself much easier than on the whole world. Chambers seems to be quoting someone when he says that my Master will "'force through the channels of a single heart' the interests of the whole world." I don't know if my cholesterol level will handle that much through the channels of my heart. I have trouble with the interests of my family and community.
Keeping my soul open to the creativity of my Master is not something I do well. I do it poorly. I often make my own intentions the direction of my day. I languish in the tepid pools of my own desires, trying in vain to salve my self-pity. At what point do I stop saying it's not about me, and start living that way? Oh, don't get me wrong, it may look like I am interested in others, but more often than not I am forcing that through my soul rather than centering my soul on those needs of others. When it looks as if I am community or other focused, it is often a spiritual discipline that has taken me from what I want to do.
The harbored hope is that I will eventually really have the interests of others at heart. I'm pretty confident that my Master is trying to mold me that way during those lucid times I submit to His work in my life. I know that I am to be conformed more and more into the image of my Master; the image He created me to have in the first place. But I still cling to the "old man" (ironically that was supposed to have died when I was 7; my "old man" is a child!). I still wear the ragged spiritual cloak of the beggar rather than the spiritual robes of a priest. As a priest I am to form that connection in my person between my Master and my Master's wayward creation.
I wish I had an excuse, something that explained why it is perfectly fine for me to not have the interests of the world channeled through my heart. I don't. I had an encounter with a homeless guy last week at a car wash, and that's the closest I have come to forming that priestly connection in a very long time. Understand that part of the reason I am being so hard on myself is that I have had a sharp reminder of my frailty. I have been wandering closer and closer to that line of behavior that descends into my personal sinful hell, and yesterday, right after my blog entry, jumped in. It took seconds, lasted for seconds, and rattled me to my core.
I know that any sense of having achieved some level of spiritual maturity is tenuous at best. I know that my Master accepts me anyway, that I don't have to atone for a slip, that my Master has already atoned for it (that hurts like I cannot describe), and that His love for me never wavers. But the scream my soul makes to atone for my own sin is the defiant scream of the independent rebellious creature that wants to save itself. The scream emanates from the fear that I may die to self, the old man perish, and I be consumed by the passions and interests of my Master. That terrifies me, but it is not about me and I want it to be.
So, I can relinquish more to Him. Chambers says that my Master will crush my intentions aside in order to purify my focus on His intensions. So, what spiritual discipline will I put in place that will make these intentions of mine less, and me more available to His? Perhaps I should limit my indulgences to only those that intersect the recreation of others? That might do it. I suppose reading can form the only thing I do by myself for fun. That might work. I'll have to let you know.
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