There are entries where I just want to say, "Amen" and stop. This is one of them. There isn't anything I disagree with, and I think that his comment about his day can be said of ours, 100 years later. Service is an invalid measurement. My relationship with my Master is the measurement. Service is depressing and often pointless. Service burns me out with frustration and disillusionment. But my relationship with my Master is not anything like that. My Master rejuvenates me; He encourages me and cheers me up.
I had a chance to speak with a pastor at a kid's birthday party this past Sunday. I talked about what I did wrong at my pastorate in Idaho, and what I contributed to the end of my pastorate career. I didn't talk about what they did, their issues, or complain about them. It was a very different explanation than I typically give. It was more like confession than story telling. But what I shared may have implied that my relationship with my Master was good. But it couldn't have been. I hope that the pastor didn't get that impression, because my relationship with my Master could not have been good if I did the things I did.
That was service instead of relating to my Master. At that time I struggled with shame from my addiction, a sense that I needed to measure up to be accepted, that I had to earn the love of my Master, and that there was something wrong with me I didn't understand. Had I focused instead on my relationship with my Master, I would have learned of His grace, His transcendent love, and His passion for a relationship with me. I was distracted by service, by others, by my relationship with my wife and new baby girl. I "had a lot on my plate," but none of it was stuff my Master hadn't supplied, so why not focus on the source?
The times in my life when service has been fun or easy were times when my relationship with my Master was on the rise. It was in times when my focus was on the service itself that it started to consume me in unhealthy ways. Chambers makes a comment that my Master does not let me see all the effects of what He does through me to protect me. How odd to think that might be the reason; protect me from what? Perhaps it is to protect me from my human tendency to switch focus onto the service and away from Him.
In Baptist churches, the number of baptisms represents a very important statistic. I remember telling a pastor of mine that numbers don't matter, and that he responded how frustrating that was to hear. He said that they may not matter to God, but that they indicate the spiritual health of a church. It was an indicator of how the church was impacting the community; were there people in the community entering the Kingdom of God? But I believe that even here, the mercy of my Master in hiding the true effect of focus on Him is also at work. Baptisms don't necessarily mean a church is or is not impacting the neighborhood.
The metric of my life must be my relationship with my Master. I can think of other examples demonstrating this, but I already convinced myself. So how am I doing, relating to my Master? I'm doing ok, but I need to spend more time in prayer. After I have followed the discipline of going through the devotional of MUFHH, I plan to do a book-study from the Scripture. It will have to be very small chunks at a time because I don't have a lot of time these mornings. I want to do that so I can increase my understanding of my Master through what He has revealed about Himself. But I want to explore it like I have been exploring these entries.
That's something to look forward to, but forward into next year in February. I have a long way to go these days; in growth with my Master, in distance from my addiction, and in maturing as a spouse and parent. I am on a very different path from others around me, and not because they are wrong and I am right. I am on the path I am because I have a lot of mess to clean up; mess I made throughout my life. This isn't a path for others to follow. I may intersect with others where their messes are like my own, but I believe everyone has their own mess to clean up. I may wave as my Master leads me through mine. Feel free to wave back.
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