My eyes aren't what they used to be. But even when I was younger, I remember seeing "shadows" out of the corner of my eye. They were really just moving dark squiggles, and when I looked that way they were never there; probably just something on the goopy surface of my eye. This entry by Chambers reminds me of the same fleeting thing. Whenever I seek to live my life in my Master, I miss it. When I am in the life with my Master I don't have to seek it, I'm not even aware of not being in my Master; or something like that. Basically, seeking it means I don't have it, having it means I don't think about it.
So, what is my Master's will for me? Obviously I'm not connected enough to my Master because I would know if I were. What would my Master have me do in this situation? Obviously I'm not intimate with my Master or I'd know what He would have me do in this situation, it would come naturally. I have a fear here. I can sound a lot like my Master to myself. So, if just do what comes natural, I run the risk of still being out of intimacy with my Master, and then doing the completely wrong thing. There are plenty of crazy people who led the world, thinking they were doing the thing God wanted them to do. It wasn't biblical, but it was right! Well, perhaps not, and I don't want to be one of those crazies on a smaller scale.
I don't trust my natural instincts any more. I used to. When I was in middle school especially, I just assumed I was doing what my Master wanted a lot of the time. There were other times I knew for sure I wasn't. But I don't remember asking for clarity, or for revelation, or something like that to know what to do. So, was I walking close in faith with my Master or was I dependent upon my own common sense? That is my quandary. I can make decisions on the fly. I can handle intense situations with calm humor. Does that mean I am following my Master closely, or walking about in His presence?
But there are other things in this entry that resonate with me. I think I know the answer to those questions, and that they lie in the area of peaceful confidence in my Master, not in myself. Even there though, I have been caught in the sense of assurance in my assumption of what my Master would do for me instead of waiting on His answer. That is very hard to take. My disappointment is with my Master, but also with myself. How could I have missed the message? I missed it because I was blinded by what I wanted so much; I assumed my Master would want it too.
I've been reading books which involve Greek Mythology with modern settings. The element constant throughout Greek Mythology is this underlying current of thought that the "gods" don't really think much of humans and are capricious in their dealings with mortals. They don't follow "rules", the rules are that they have the power and they make the rules, or change the rules, or ignore the rules as they see fit. The "gods" of the Greek world, and other pantheons, were a lot like the kings they knew on earth.
I don't know my Master this way, the writings of the Hebrews and Christians tell a very different story. But from the perspective of my life with Him, it does seem like He is capricious some times. I can't understand a lot of what He does or why. I see from the Scriptures that the people in those accounts didn't either, and complained about that. I can also see where they submit to the fact that they can't see what He sees, and have to trust in faith that He has their best interests at heart. That is where I am now. I don't get a lot of what my Master does, nor do I understand why He does it. But I do know He loves me…or I believe He loves me…
It is at this very point that I have to remind myself that my Master does love me. I haven't been convinced of that for much of my life. I have felt that my secret sin was so distasteful to Him that He couldn't love me, His justice wouldn't allow it. But I was wrong. What I read in the Christian Scriptures is confirmed in the Scriptures written by the Hebrews; my Master loves me so much that the penalty demanded by His justice He paid Himself. It's not a national thing, and it's not an ethnic thing, and it's not an individual thing. I am loved because I am a created thing; and I am loved by my Creator.
So I pray, "You love me, You have my back, and I am at Your service." I need the reminder. I need to repeat it as I pray. I want to live in the confidence that these statements bring. I want to live fearlessly. I suppose it's time to pick up my loaned sword and shield and approach my fears. I suppose I should also cinch up my breastplate, tighten my belt, and don my helmet. I have work to do. I have to stand, and pray. See you later.
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