I am fighting a feeling of depression. It is not necessarily the feelings of irritability and restlessness I felt before, but I can feel it there in my mind. I have felt life without it and I know this is like where I was before. And I know this has the same source. My life circumstances do not warrant these feelings. I tried taking a fast from playing games, but it didn't change much. It took away an avenue to work out the feelings (ok, so there is restlessness), but I replaced it with reading a book.
The problem is still with me even with the medication. It changed and that could be it, but I want to eliminate other options as well. I don't know if the problems with people-pleasing and work focus I have been sharing are symptoms or causes. I suspect they are symptoms, but that is not a given. I just had a success in my addiction, a major test I have failed for years, and I just passed with flying colors (well colors, not necessarily flying). I am eight months in this walk, and I passed a major test. So why am I not ecstatic? Why am I not happy?
Well, I tell myself it wasn't perfect. I briefly allowed mental failures on several occasions. This is a "middle-circle" violation, and that I allowed it is what troubles me. I stopped, but not until I had already given sin permission. That is a compromise that normally does me in. I survived it by the grace and power of my Master's Spirit. I called out to Him in the night, like some Psalms, and He answered, like some Psalms.
I know my Master loves me. But even this amazingly blessed and easy state I now enjoy leads me to wonder why He is taking it so easy on me? I am grateful, yet wonder about my own frailty. And then, in my depression, overreach within the blessing He has given. I went on a shopping binge. Why? It's crazy behavior. I think I can re-arrange things to cover it, but I shouldn't have to do that. It was irresponsible; well, partly, we needed the things and got good prices, but the timing was problematic.
Maybe it wasn't trying to heal a hurt within, but it feels that way. I just don't know why I hurt. What could be so deep and painful that I would feel this way? Why the perspective that all I do is substandard? Why the feelings that I don't measure up? What is wrong with me? My feelings don't match the reality I see, the reality I sense when I am with my Master, or the reality I hear in others around me. I must master my feelings, but I still have them. They seep out when I interact with others. I haven't laughed in a while.
Did I not walk in the light while I had it, and now it's gone? John 12:35 is used by Chambers to discuss the darkness that comes when the light given is not lived out, and acted upon. Perhaps I am in a darkness because I have not lived out the light I was given. But I don't think so. I believe that I have been working out the light given, in fact I think the entries in this blog bear evidence of that. I know I have a lot of growth before me, but that is not a sin, the sin is in despairing at the amount of it. I know that sanctification is not yet done in me, but I know it's working, that the Spirit of my Master continues to work it in me.
I have heard for years that I need to move the knowledge in my head 18 inches to my heart. I get it, and it's trite, but it's also true (as a metaphor for the core of my being, not my fleshly blood pump). The move may not be 18 inches as much as it is from one sphere of existence to the dimension in which my Master's Spirit moves and lives. Even so, I also need to accept that this is ultimately not about me anyway. It is about my Master, even this depression. My experience here must drive me deeper into Him and a hunger for His touch and presence. I need more of that.
But I also need wisdom. I need the action on the knowledge I already have. Wisdom is superior to knowledge in a similar way that experience is superior to education. I need the wisdom to know the difference between those things I can change and those things I can't (i.e. the Serenity Prayer). I need the wisdom to perceive and perform the good my Master reveals (Proverbs). I need the wisdom and courage to love my family. I need the wisdom to serve others where my Master directs. I need the wisdom not to compromise where He does not lead; that would be rebellion.
Today is Saturday. Today there are a lot of events going on that cry out for my attention. I will move among them seeking to respond in the wisdom that my Master gives. I will seek to glorify Him today. And so, I will wait, worship, and walk before Him this Saturday, August 27, 2011. Today I hope to laugh. I hope to bring a smile and joy to someone else, extra points if it's my daughter, triple points if it's my wife, and an automatic win if both together. I crave that freedom felt in the joy of my Master, and the peace of His Spirit, and love of my Father. To my God I offer myself in this day.
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