So, on the one hand, anyone born of the Spirit does not sin, but on the other hand, when I doubt, deny, not hear His voice, there is restoration. I do like this entry of MUFHH after yesterday. The questions asked, I answer with a "yes." I have misunderstood my Master, I have stubbornly doubted, and I have denied Him. The verses used and the points made are odd. For misunderstanding, Chambers connects John 10:17 where Jesus says why the Father loves Him, because He lay down His life to take it up again. I don't think I have misunderstood that so much as the implications of that for my life.
In John 10:27 Jesus says that His sheep hear His voice and follow Him, and He knows His sheep. The question Chambers asks is, "Have I stubbornly doubted?" I'm not sure I see the connection except he seems to applaud Thomas on his desire for that close intimate touch of his Master. I'm caught somewhere between these two since I believe I have heard and followed my Master, yet I too have doubted something about Him, like His grace toward me.
The last one, John 21:15-17 is where Jesus restores Peter during breakfast. Jesus knows all my faults, failures, and denials of Him, yet has never let me go. He restores my soul as in Psalm 23, He calls me by name as in John 10, and He loves me with all that He knows of me. Why restore me? Why go to the effort for a failure? It's not like I'm done failing or with faults or even with denying Him. He knows my frailty, yet invests in me. In fact, knowing what He does, He still becomes emotionally involved with me, as I mentioned before.
So here I am facing a week of work and normal challenges, but also knowing that my wife will be out of town most of next week. I know the pang of loneliness coming. I fear it. I have failed most often when my wife has been out of town. This will be several days, and while I have taken precautions on some things, I can't for everything. On some things I simply have to lean hard into my Master. This is the first real test of my sobriety in several months. I have made it through some days, but not this many and not in this setting. I am untried in this environment. So I need a few things.
First I need accountability. I am accountable for my actions, attitudes, and beliefs. Those are mine, and my behaviors are the main thing here. My attitude will follow my actions, and I can adjust that as I need to, when I become aware of it. But my life needs to be open about my behaviors if I am to succeed this coming week. I need to open my life up to others, including my wife, but also to others. But one action I need to take, perhaps proactively, is to inventory my emotions. I don't like to do that because I'm emotionally stupid (I don't notice my emotional problems until well into them). But I need to constantly inventory them with someone else.
What I'm feeling will help assess my condition and indicate what I need to surrender to my Master at the moment. My emotions come from somewhere for some reason. I need to be aware of what I'm feeling so I can monitor that unconscious belief system that I am also accountable for. I get snuck up on and ambushed by my ignorance of what I'm feeling. My wife normally asks and then I do the inventory with her, but she won't be around next week. It will be on me to monitor my own feelings. So next week's entries should include an inventory of feelings.
These things are great, and helpful to a degree. But what I need more than anything is the comfort of my Master, His Spirit, and the peace of His Presence. I am not alone. I am not abandoned. I am not rejected or worthless. I have value unimaginable because my Master has given Himself, and will continue to give Himself for me. I don't get why, but I know He does. The value is there regardless of my belief or disbelief or lack of imagination as to a "why", or any other created thing. I need my Master. I need to submit to Him, to love Him, worship Him, and to obey Him. I need to walk my life next week before His face.
I'm not looking forward to next week, but I will have my daughter here, my Master here, and I all I need. Perhaps I should consider it all joy when I face this trial. Perhaps I should listen for the voice of my Shepherd in it. Perhaps I should walk through this valley (nothing like a dark valley of death, but it will have to do) with His rod and staff guiding me and protecting me. I have someone to care for, my daughter. So I have some clear responsibility beyond just not acting out. I need to be available to her since I will be all she has for the next week; not very interesting for her unfortunately. That should actually help. It will be good to have someone besides myself to think about. Perhaps I will forget about myself. That would be nice, not likely, but nice. It's only Tuesday, I have a few days to work on this problem.
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