This entry is right in my concern, or at least it ends that way. I am not suffering for doing what it right, but I am wondering why my Master has my family out here in rural Nevada. Last night I had to scale back my desire to do what I like to do, lead. There is a need for someone to do a "Step Study" for the 12-step group I meet with. I'm new and they know I have experience, but I am ineligible. I need a solid year of sobriety, and I need it for two reasons. Sure the program recommends it, but I have discovered that, with me, it is necessary. The last couple of times I have led step studies, I have relapsed during the study.
Ironically, these studies aren't that difficult to lead. There's no preparation beyond what the participants do. It's just a matter of facilitating; keeping it moving, on task, and according to the guidelines. It's not a bigger drain emotionally or spiritually than just participating. I think that the position puts me out in front of the participants as an example, and therefore a target for the enemy. But I really can only blame myself for the relapses. It's my self-reliance that does me in. I can't walk a recovered life without my Master. Submission is so crucial for me that to step out of it for a day is to endanger myself critically.
Since the night before (see the previous entry), I know that my addiction is close to the surface. I have not yet carved out a familiar path of sobriety and am constantly in danger of falling into old more familiar patterns of thought and behavior. The danger decreases as time goes on, but seven months for me is not enough. I told the group after December I would consider leading a group. I have to wait. I'm not strong enough; my pattern of leading in 12-step groups demonstrates that. I need to be patient and let my Master continue to work in me. My attitude is not yet where it needs to be to lead a group, not yet.
But back to Chambers, I agree with his assertion that to suffer as a goal is foolish. Suffering comes on its own as I follow my Master. My goal is obedience to my Master not the clear obvious suffering that brings the attention of others. And when I do suffer, pity is not what I need, but encouragement to stay the course my Master has for me. Right now, I'm not there, but I hope to be. Perhaps in six more months I will be. I know there is nothing particularly magic about a year of sobriety, but one time through the "seasons" of life will help. I need several things to endure suffering while following my Master, not just time.
One of the things I need to continue in submissive obedience is courage. It takes courage to face the drudgery of the daily routine, along with perseverance. I also need an attitude of dependent submission. I hate that one, but I desperately need it. In 12-step groups we say that we are powerless. And yet we also posit responsibility to ourselves for our behavior. The way it can be both/and is that we are dependent, as every believer is regardless of their opinion. Dependence upon my Master is what enables me to make a good decision. I need to submit and depend on my Master daily, every moment. For me, independence means death.
With at least time, courage, and dependent submission I can soldier on, even in the boring times of routine goodness. Soldiers never appreciate the barracks until they're in the field being shot at. While in the barracks, boredom drives them to endear the field, and then in the field, reality bites. It's a cycle that is nearly inescapable, even being aware of it. Barracks are necessary in order to face the fields of danger. There has to be a safe place to return to for rejuvenation; safer anyway.
So I will continue my barracks duty while I train in submission, obedience, dependence, and encouragement. Soon, my Master will send me into the field. But I will obediently remain until that time. That is part of obedience, waiting until instructed. It's how I got here, it needs to be how I behave here. I've had my coffee, so it's time to get at it.
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