When I pray, I suffer from the 'mental wool-gathering' that Chambers speaks of. I start to pray and suddenly all these other competing thoughts flood in and I can't concentrate. Even blogging has become something I need to concentrate on. I believe that this means that I am not as disciplined as I should be. And I also believe that once I gain the discipline of focus, I will need to discipline myself to keep it. I can't tell you how much I don't want to work that hard. But I must. Prayer is too important to let lapse. I can't not pray.
In some way, this blog is a prayer. I speak it out to others, but flows from my connection to my Master. This opens me up to His voice in ways sitting quietly to listen does not. Then prayer truly becomes two-way communication. I trust it more when I sense the voice of my Master, and not my own. I know the truth: That my Master loves me and wants to speak with me. But when I sit quietly, my own mind becomes my enemy; my thoughts of the day, imaginings of other people and conversations I will never have, and recent experiences all come to distract me from my Master.
I have also noticed that spending time just with those at some point does not diminish them when I pray; it makes them worse; as if my mind becomes trained to think of them. So the discipline of prayer I need is more quiet time clearing my mind so I can focus on my Master. I can only think of one thing at a time, so there is a perfect way to start. I will take each random stray thought captive to my Master. The danger I also have is emotion. I get easily frustrated as I do this, having an expectation that focus. I speak to the Master of the Universe after all; I mean, come on!
Ironically, when I focus only on the grandeur of my Master, the scope of His glory, if I seek to imagine the unimaginable reaches of His majesty, it's easier to focus on Him. I find it funny how worship makes prayer easier for me. The greatness of my Master, Maker of Stars, Destroyer of galaxies, and Sustainer of sub-atomic particles clears my mind; momentarily anyway. Then I'm off thinking of these things, or day-dreaming about preaching them, or thinking of my last star-party. The very things that should focus me on my Master I co-opt to think of myself.
My humanness seeps out of my mind when I pray; but not always, and not the whole time. There are lucid moments when the sweetness of just sitting in my Master's lap or bowing before Him consumes me entirely. There used to be this image I used to enter into prayer. I would imagine being in the corridor outside the throne room, being "dressed" by Jesus in preparation to stand before the Father. As I passed into the vast bright room, I passed through a membrane that filtered the evil out of me, leaving it in debris in the hall behind me. I was "cleansed" from my sin and unrighteousness. The feeling was initially shame, then joy at being accepted.
This has past being effective for me. I have become too familiar with it, and start making adjustments. I ceased being worship some time ago. I don't really have a replacement image, just the words I begin my prayers with; "You love me. You have my back. I am at Your service." These focus me for a time, and then I battle the thoughts, taking them captive, one at a time; submitting them to my Master. I need to do this without frustration. I need to accept this as part of prayer, and my daily life. It sounds easy, and it is to the extent that I can remember to do it.
So much vies for my attention, and I only need my Master. Please excuse me as I go and listen to my Master's orders for the day. Blessings upon you.
No comments:
Post a Comment