One of the
things about Paul that always sort of intimidated me was his confidence in his
own devotion. In 1 Corinthians 15:10 he
speaks of himself working harder than all the rest. Even though he ends it with, “but not I but
the grace of God with me” it still sounds like boasting, except I suspect he
was right. He seems like one of those
people I run into from time to time who are so driven they reveal my own
devotion for the poor sad façade it really is.
On the other hand, I need to be very careful here. If I call my devotion sad and poor, I need to
be careful to step on myself, and not on what my Master can and does do with
me.
There are
things I can control and am responsible for such as spiritual disciplines of
one sort or another. These things put me
in greater availability to my Master. As
He uses me then things happen that have little to do with my abilities or
condition. I consider myself moderately
successful in my past ministry, but not by the number of people saved, but by
the effect I had on saved and lost alike.
I saw those apart from the church return, and I saw some never “churched”
receive Jesus as Savior. I was in the
process of relationally reaching out to my community even when I was being
undermined by some of my church leaders.
The success
was not because of my ability. What
abilities I had and have lack the power of what my Master does. I can “manufacture” somewhat something that
looks vaguely like success. But when my
Master is the One succeeding, it is astounding.
So, I have to be careful where I point out my faults. As long as they display my Master’s power and
glory, I’m on the right track. And I
remain on the right track as long as I don’t tread on His power and ability. I am not worthless, Jesus’ death proves
that. I am not worldly successful,
though I have been blessed financially in this place (at least I think of it as
blessed financially). But I do have
areas to work on in my life.
The areas
where I lack are in my thorough devotion to my Master. I let the influence of other people override
the voice of my Master. He makes divine
appointments for me and I miss the out of fear of other people. This is America, so it’s not fear of prison
or physical harm either. I clearly fear appearing
foolish in their eyes. What I can’t
figure out is why I care. I hardly know
anyone here. Why would I care what they
think? And even if I did know them,
still, so what? I used to be afraid of
messing it up, but I have learned that my Master has that handled. I act as more of a place-holder for the
presence of my Master; it’s not my ability anyway.
So, my
spiritual disciplines need to run more toward increasing my devotion to my
Master, and practicing overcoming my fears.
That sounds deceptively easy. I
have always had more trouble attacking than defending. But the gates of hell not prevailing against
the confession of faith means it’s aggressive, not defensive. I need to don my ill-fitting armor (on loan
from my Master, so it doesn’t fit me well), grab my borrowed sword and shield,
and get into the fray. Okay, deep
breath. One, two…THREE!!! AAAAHHHHH!!!!
(let’s hope this doesn’t end with a thud)
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