In some ways, this blog and these entries, are intended to bring about what Chambers writes/speaks of in this entry. In some ways my hope has been to use this blog for accountability. To that end, I have invited the world into the interior of my life, with all the weaknesses and failures found there. At the same time, I hope this opens me up more to my Master’s work in me.
So, last night I ignored my limits I call middle-circle boundaries, and flirted with my addiction. The actions and thoughts were both preceded and followed by a rather nice time with my Master. Clearly the preceding one didn’t have the effect I would expect, so clearly there was something wrong there. I was tired and everything, so why go into a sort of behavior that would keep me awake? This is the sort of thing that makes any sort of behavior like this crazy. It is totally devoid of reality living or thinking.
I think there was a point in the time with my Master as I was drifting off to sleep where I mentioned fighting my threatening depression by doing what I don’t want (like going to a 12-step meeting tonight), and not doing what I do want (like giving into my addictive thoughts and behaviors). I think that in the process I blamed my depression, and that was the go-ahead; it wasn’t my fault, I can’t help it, and so it is okay.
It is my fault, I can decide not to, and it’s not okay. Let me just say that, because I can easily blame my struggle on depression. I believe I have a weakness, in that my brain has a propensity to over stimulate AO activity (the chemical imbalance that brings on depression). The anti-depressant is an AO inhibitor, and these usually are used for a time, but sometimes, a long time. But this can’t be my excuse. My depression is not so debilitating that I can’t function or think. I can fight it, but it is a fight I’m not used to winning, and that is probably my biggest hurdle.
Fighting depression is done through doing what I do not “feel” like doing. Fighting the lethargy that comes through depression is one important way to fight depression. The fight is not hard in any other sense than that it wears me out. Rejuvenation comes from my Master and His Spirit, so that should not be a problem, but it is. Perhaps at some point I will be so immersed in Him that it won’t be, but I’m not there yet.
That is one thing I do to fight my depression, but there are others. One symptom is anger, another is an abundance of emotion, another is a tendency toward resentment. So there are are several things I need to do to fight against this problem, but none of them are that complex or particularly difficult. What makes these symptoms difficult to fight is that another symptom is a lack of energy, and that not only makes it hard to fight the depression but works to perpetuate it.
This is why an antidepressant is very helpful. I’m not at a point where I can do all that. It overwhelms me and I collapse under it. I hope at some point I will be able to fight it, but I have no power to do so now. My only hope is to admit my weakness, and reach outside myself for help. The piece that helped me begin my months of success was admitting I could not do this, that I have this weakness, and that I need something to help. It was dramatically helpful. But it is not a permanent solution.
Since depression is not “reality” thinking but distorted thinking, the element that Chambers talks about today, letting the world and my Master into my life, is really important. The presence of others forces reality back into my mental matrix. The distortion requires a single perspective or view of my life. So a 12-step program is a great option for fighting this depression. My hope is that such a program will provide the spiritual discipline I need to eventually live without antidepressants. I suspect there will need to be other things as well, but the 12-steps are designed to realign my mind with my Master’s; repentance.
In the past, practicing the steps always brought on the problems I was trying to fight against in my depression. It brought on the emotional and spiritual crisis I was keeping at bay through my addictive “management”. I think I am better able to face that crisis and work through it, but with the help of an antidepressant. What I hope happens is that, on the other side of the crisis, I find the practice of getting through it equips me to do the same thing without the antidepressant. It may take a couple of times of “practice” to get to the point where I can get through the crisis without the chemical help, but I hope that is where I get to.
The reason this solution appeals to me so much is that it will not be a solution that is from me or my ability. No other solution so focuses on what my Master can do in me than the 12-steps. They don’t work when it becomes about what I can do, or a “formula” I can process. They work when, in sequence, I submit all my garbage to my Master and let Him replace it with Himself. I jettison my expectation of self-management, I focus on my Master, I take the walk of shame as I inventory my failures, I lay those out as a display for the world and my Master, I strive to let them go and surrender them to my Master, I invite those I have hurt into the process, and then I continue the process of examination and confession. It is not a process of my achievement of anything but reduction before my Master. The success of this process stems entirely from the fact that my Master lives, He works in me, and He remakes me into His image as I disassemble my props and facades.
So here I go into another day, but I suspect the ending will be different. I have invited in the world so that my distorted thinking will collapse, and reality will return. Be sure to point out the distortions as you pass through, but please don’t touch them. Pointing them out helps to make them disappear, there’s no need to carry them out with you. These are mine, I’m sure you have plenty of your own. Distortions are not something I should share well with others. There’s a dose of reality as you leave, help yourself to plenty of that; no trick, sometimes a treat.
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