One of my deep pain-points is my calling. There was the certainty of youth which enabled me to pursue the education, and do well. But the disappointment of my failure has eroded my certainty of what I heard in the first place. Paul's description of his call in the vision he saw on the Damascus Road had none of that. He describes it later several times, with slight differences, but the same unwavering conviction. In prison, or in distress, or under persecution, he does not waver. I fear what I can accomplish is insufficient; which is like fearing the sun may rise this morning. But I also fear the futility, the frustration, the loneliness of answering the call. I fear I misunderstood from the start what exactly I was called to. Perhaps I need to start with the first call to the cross, and pick up the 'trail' from there.
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