Where Is the Evidence of My Devotion?

Once again Paul confounds the boundaries of my willingness to be abandoned to Jesus.  He holds nothing back; even for those who frustrate and hurt him.  In 2 Corinthians 12:15 he speaks as a parent regarding children and says that he is willing to be completely spent for them.  These children spoke poorly of him after he worked diligently for years in their midst.  They followed false leaders after he demonstrated godly leadership.  They listened to and upheld false teachers after he had taught the words and life of Jesus and the Scriptures.  They permitted sin in their midst after he had taught them to be transformed in their lifestyles.  They quarrelled among themselves over these differences and about the false leaders and sinful members, often both sides against Paul and for some poor example of Jesus.  These he loved more.

I spent several years working with two congregations.  I was held to task for my lack of energy in my preaching, lack of visiting the wayward church members, lack of ability to keep people from leaving the church, failure to use the King James Bible exclusively, and not preaching evangelistic sermons to people professing to be saved.  I was blamed for anything anyone was dissatisfied with about the church.  It was all my fault.  Rather than answer these accusations publically as I had already done privately, my response to these was to speak publicly to each one about what I saw in them that I really loved and why I appreciated them.  All I got in response was silence or repeated accusations.  So, I left.

Did I fail to love them and spend myself completely out for them?  Did I fail them and my Master because I did not remain and continue in the face of their ill treatment of me, failure to understand me, constant gossip, back-biting, and stirring up strife?  Was I failing them in my devotion to Jesus, even if not in the ways they were complaining about?  Would I, were I more completely sold out to Jesus, have had more to spend on their behalf?  Or perhaps, I was right in my assessment that they could no longer hear God with me as a distraction, and needed to leave.  But was I right to leave the ministry completely, never to return?  The blame for my decision I have always laid at their feet.  Was that right, or was it my lack of devotion to my Master that held me out of position of under-shepherd?  Was my fear for my own personal emotional safety and that of my family what drove me to stand apart from that calling? 

I must admit that I never have come close to making up in my body what was lacking in the suffering of Christ.  I have never approached being content in every circumstance, whether lack or plenty.  I have no beatings, jailings, or life-threatening events that I can boast about (at least not in response to anything other than my own stupidity).  I have been treated poorly, thought poorly of by my peers, and humiliated growing up as have a bunch of other kids.  But never for my faith.  Is this a mark of lack of devotion to my Master?

So, througout my childhood, whether in the classroom, playground, home, or neighborhood, there are no examples of suffering for my Master.  As I passed into adulthood, through military service, college, even in the changing from the major direction favored by family to one I was confident was favored by God, even in this I can find no real suffering.  That is not to say that some of these times in my life did not contain examples of the cost of my faith, but the cost was not to a level of sacrifice on my part.  More often whatever cost I paid for my faith was more a cost related to the normal cost of growing up among fallen people.  They were the costs paid by everyone whether they followed Jesus or not.

So what does this say about my devotion to Jesus?  Am I so reluctant to be spent on behalf of church-people that I demonstrate no devotion to my Master?  Am I so devoid of sacrifice that there is no evidence that Jesus is truly my Master?  What proof do I have in my life that there is really any substance to what I claim to believe?

Perhaps the only proof I have has nothing, or little to do with me at all.  After inventorying all the vacancies in my life, I still stand before Jesus and He still calls me to walk before Him.  This inventory of failure only points out that I live and breathe by grace and not by any achievement on my part.  The elements of my life show that I have not earned any standing before my Master, and that whatever standing I do have is entirely due to His sovereign design and decision.  For I can easily point to my failures and how, in every stage of my life, I have failed to sacrifice myself for my Master.  But I can also declare to all that, in spite of all that, I am still accepted before my Master and called to walk before Him.  In a sense, I am like one of those pictures drawn by a child with little resemblence to reality, drawn with a wide brush or gaudy crayon, which is proudly displayed by a pleased father for all to see.  I wonder if there are other goofy pictures like me stuck with magnets to His fridge.  Knowing what I do about God, we are probably like wallpaper all over every side of it.