I have been a believer in Jesus and have trusted Him for my status before God since I was seven. So, how can my devotion and dedication to my Master be driven by what He has saved me from? What is there to be saved from as a seven-year-old? At that point I really did not have any idea of what sort of thing I needed to be saved from. If I am to use that sense of self before and after the event of salvation I'm in trouble. This is a difficult perspective for me. My memory of the event isn't even all that clear, so how can I hang my hat on that pivotal moment? Or was it that pivotal?
My relationship with my Master, Jesus, has been a varied thing over my life. Like the other relationships I have, both family and friends, I have often taken the lazy options in regard to them. I have not been responsible to make an effort to remain in contact. I have not made it easy to find me, or stay connected. Even those close to me sometimes find me emotionally detached. So, how can I fasten onto some sort of sense of self, and awareness of change in order to show gratitude in devotion? I don't have that sense of self nor of change sufficient for the level of devotion I believe my Master wants of me.
So, for my devotion to my Master I have had to make some concessions and adaptations. First off, most of my mistakes, major and minor, I made after I committed my life to my Master. So my sense of being saved from something fits more in the category of what some believers call "sanctification". Whatever I call it, I have to accept that I am accepted in spite of my preponderance of failure. That is hard. I want to judge, punish, and deprecate myself because of my failures. I hide them and deny them. I medicate my shame over them with destructive behavior. I do not accept myself with them in tact.
My Master, on the other hand, takes me with my failures and cleans them off of me. He cleans out my pools of shame I have tended as emotional reservoirs to fuel my compulsions. He loves me and has my back. He calls to me and asks me to walk about in His presence, living, acting, speaking, thinking, and relating to others with my fractured social skills. How can He do that? That is where my devotion is derived. Gratitude from this sort of radical acceptance I can use to devote my life to my Master daily. The first hurdle is accept His view of me.
The second concession I make for my devotion to my Master is to obey a passive imperative to change. He has commanded and the fulfillment of that command is impossible. I am to transform, metamorphosis into something else is my call. I can't do that. So, the command is passive, "be transformed." How can I be commanded to do that? I can't control that (which scares me). Again, I obey a passive command. I obey by being compliant to the change. My concession is let my Master change me into something else; something else not of my choosing. I am the servant, the knight who obeys the commands to go, to stay, to serve. My Master makes adjustments in His time, in His ways, using His methods, and His purpose.
With those two concessions, my devotion to my Master is based on tenuous ground at best. Just because I know that I am accepted does not mean I accept that I am accepted. Just because I know I am to let my Master do the changing, choose the timing, and methods does not mean I will let Him. What I know and what I do will often not match. And I do not have a history from which I can derive a sense of gratitude toward atonement.
So, yes, I am devoted, but my devotion will sometimes limp along rather than run. Yes, I am being changed, but slower than I would like, and probably slower than my Master would like. It would be faster if I were more compliant I am sure. And, in spite of this, my Master accepts me, loves me, and seems to enjoy being a part of my daily, moment-by-moment, mistake-filled life. I don't pretend to understand that, but it saves me from an empty, useless, perhaps dangerous, and toxic life. For that, I am truly grateful.
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