Hiking the Rough Road to Life, Or I Will Be Sometime

The gate is narrow and the path is difficult leading to life (Matthew 7:14). Chambers focuses on the mention that the path is difficult. The word used for "difficult" means to rub together between the fingers. As an adjective it's very descriptive, and easily conveys the image of difficulty. So, my path is supposed to be as if I were rubbed between the fingers of my Master. No wonder few find this gate and path. They are probably not looking for one thing. I don't know many people looking for a way of life characterized by being rubbed between the fingers of God.

And yet, I find there are a lot of things I use where that is something I do with them, especially to clean off certain types of things, like rubber cement, or other glue. There is a benefit to cleaning things this way instead of with soap and water. By rubbing some things between my fingers, I can roll them into a tight tube. So there are some practical aspects of such a difficult life.

My day now is spent at home, and yet on the phone with customers. It's somewhat surreal to be able to take a break and go into my own kitchen to get a snack. That's not bad, but when the dogs in the neighborhood get riled up, it's a bit of a difficult explanation as what that "noise" in the background is about. I can't tune out all the noises of home, squabbles, dogs, appliances, TV, and so on. My daughter likes to be able to come in and hug me and I like that too. But she also notices that I'm focused on what I'm doing, and can't spend time with her. It's still an 8-hour job, and so I'm more accessible, but only slightly so.

But I doubt this is the "difficult" way leading to life. I'm not sure when that comes now that we're here in Nevada. Perhaps it is found in the additional down-sizing we have to do as we unpack. Perhaps it will be in the search for a church. We found one that seems sad for some reason. I don't know if that is normal for them, but it was fairly pronounced. We intend to try another one this Sunday, but there is a part of me that is fascinated by the troubles of that first church.

I don't know where the troubles are, but they will come. The gate is narrow and the path is hard, but it leads to life. Few find it for whatever reason, but it leads to life. I want life, so I will follow it, hard or easy, or through whatever terrain. I have my stout stick, my pack with water bag, a wide hat, and sturdy boots. It sounds a bit like what I normally wore to work in Texas. Happy Trails!

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, July 7

A Quick Post About A Missing Crisis

I start my first day of really working. Since the magic black box is missing, I will be calling customers on my cell phone. This is probably one of my least favorite parts of the job, but it is necessary. It's searching for that golden needle in a haystack. I usually end up in a longer sales process rather than sell right then over the phone, but sometimes it works out. So eight hours of it will be tough.

Chambers says that my Master's vision of what I am to be is worked out in difficulty. I don't know if this counts, but I certainly don't see it as a time to cave to vile cravings. I'm tired, and we have decided to change our routine such that coffee is pushed off for about an hour. I don't like that much. It is what it is, but still. I'm tired, bleary-eyed, and now know I need to hit the sack earlier. I learn slowly I suppose.

But this is, again, not the difficulty Chambers is writing about. I suppose that is coming. There will be that dark valley where it seems I am furthest away from the vision of what I am to be. I guess in that valley will be another test to see if I will give into temptation; or rather another opportunity to resist said temptation. I have more to do on the house, and some things to setup before my wife travels next month. We have a church to find, and other things to work out (doctors, mechanics, and so on). But none of these would seem to be a defining crisis.

Well, now it's time to stop this and work out to a "demonic" trainer. It's good for me, but tough. But even this is not the defining problem where my Master works over my character making it into the vision He desires. When that happens, I will blog about it. Never fear.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, July 6

Waiting for It, IT, or my Master

It is finally July 5, and today I had planned to start work. The "black box" is not here, I have not hooked up the computer to my network (I will do that this morning), and I have no idea what happens now. My plan has come up empty. I did not plan with my Master in view, as Chambers puts it. I planned what I wanted. Silly me.

Today is a new world with new rules, new prospects, and new possibilities. Today begins this period where I finally see what it was my Master called me out here for. Here I continue my calling to wait, worship, and walk before Him. Today begins a new chapter where I do the thing which worked so well up to this time; I wait.

I work while waiting. I have fields to prepare for the rains my Master is bringing. I have work to do around this house, once the 'work' setup is complete. I have things to do constantly which naturally result from moving half-way across the country. I have lots of work, which means I have lots of opportunities to walk before my Master, in the midst of worshipping and waiting.

Well, I guess I better get at it. "Hi Ho, Hi Ho, it's off to work I go!"

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, July 5

Fretting About What I Can’t Control

The word that Chambers focuses on in Psalm 37:8 is translated "fret" in the Revised Version he quotes. The word used in Hebrew is "Charah" which means "to burn with anger." The Hebrew stem adds the sense of causing yourself to do something, so it really has the sense of "causing yourself to burn with anger." The English word "fret" has the sense of wearing away, corroding, and gnawing away, and is rarely associated with anger. Perhaps at the turn of the previous century, the word related more to anger than current usage. I only found one reference to anger or fury as a possible synonym, but it occurred first in the list of possibilities, so perhaps it was more common at one time. It wasn't what sprung to mind as a possible translation when I looked at it.

In the discussion Chambers follows on this, it would have more to do with worry instead of anger anyway. The context of the Psalm seems to imply something of sitting and fuming while waiting, as in waiting in anger for Yahweh to punish those evil people. So, it can be the sense of fret, but with the strong implication that this fretting is done with anger. Oh, and before I leave this discussion of this word, notice that it is used in poetry, and therefore suspect in usage. I say that because poets try very hard to use related words, for a topic, and meanings may be stretched somewhat. So, this may not be the most common usage of this word in Hebrew, and those in that day probably picked up on shade of meaning lost to me over the past 3,000 years. I admit it could happen.

Chambers ties fretting to several things. First, he says I need to avoid it in the times things are not going my way; second, my fretting lets my wicked selfishness show; and third, my fret shows my lack of faith. He cools this meaning down to worry rather than anger, and in doing so, makes the application much more personal, and more common. It might be easy for me to say that I don't wait in anger very often, but I have to admit that I do fret in some way or another more commonly.

For instance, I expected to start working my job remotely tomorrow. The magic "black box" I needed to do so hasn't even been built yet (at least, not to my knowledge). So, now it looks as if I have another week to wait before I begin work. In order to begin work, I will have to configure, test, re-configure, re-test, and so on the equipment I use to do my job. I can plan on it not working the first time. So, that being the case, I have much waiting to do. I don't like it. I worry about it. I don't like the fact that I am burning up time off or taking days without pay to get this thing setup. I don't like it, partly because I have some rather large sales I am waiting on that I expect this coming week. I really hate that! So, you see, I fret in anger. I do not trust my Master. And I lack faith; at least not in this.

The reality I struggle to accept is that the Master of Timing knows my circumstances, and, for whatever reason, has not decided to let me begin work when I wanted to. He has other plans to which I need to submit. And I need to submit not only because that is what a servant does to his master, but because the plans of my Master are greater, more important plans than I can imagine. And it is a mighty act of grace on His part to include me in His plans. If I have to take time-off-without-pay, that is not a surprise to my Master, it is a part of His purpose. So be it.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, July 4

Sin Crouching at the Door, What Do I Do?

Today Chambers examines the experience of Isaiah when he saw God in the Temple. Isaiah's response was about the sin of his lips. Chambers says that God dealt with him right at the point of that sin. The conclusion that Chambers draws is that the presence of God always brings me to see my sin in particular rather than in general. I would have to agree with that. I don't know enough to know of others experiences, but that is certainly true for me.

I am aware of sins of mine in thoughts, like lust or selfishness; in actions, like snide remarks or sarcastic disrespect; in decisions, like to not get off my butt and help my wife with something; and in prejudices, like against personality-based ministries/ministers. And these areas are not exhaustive, but they are instructive. They help me stay within the boundaries of my desperate need for my Master.

I am not a "perfected" saint. But I can easily lapse into a feeling that I am "good enough" because my Master has done so much transforming work in me in the last six months. I would be easy to relax, but even as I think the thoughts, the old patterns of thought and behavior creep into my mind. It doesn't take much. I fear the rottenness at my core, but the fear drives me to my Master. He has transformed me these past months. I have only done things to give Him the access He has always wanted, that was my only contribution.

I need to keep that in mind because the old patterns can have a devastating effect if I relapse at this point. I admit that I probably will at some point. I say that not to give myself license but because my Master tells me that the heart of man is desperately sinful, and that includes my own. It has always been my pattern of rebellion against my Master, seeking to usurp His position in my life, which has enslaved me to sinful behaviors. It has been my mind that has been my downfall; and there is some irony in that.

Way back in my childhood, a friend of my parents gave me a drink of a beer. We were in their garage and I eyed this "mystical" can he held while he and my dad talked. Noticing, he asked if I wanted a sip. Sure! It was the most disgusting taste I had ever experienced at my age. It had such a pronounced effect that I don't even like the smell of alcohol. But when quizzed on this in the Army, I would tell people that my brain was really the only thing I had going for me, so I didn't want to waste any brain cells with alcohol or drugs. As it turns out, those brain cells were the very thing setting me up for failure. Isn't it always the way?

I tried in my own power and for my own reasons to resist something potentially harmful, only to be harmed by the very thing I sought to protect. The solution required me to relent and give up my desire to protect something that was a weakness in my life, my brain. To do this meant a level of submission to my Master that I had to travel a long hard road to reach. By the time the therapist suggested long term anti-depressants, I had arrived at the point that I would have agreed to brain surgery. I was desperate for something that would help me kick my addiction since nothing had worked, not even 1    2 steps.

In the "Big Book" of AA, there is this statement that says that honesty is what is required for the steps to work. Even the mentally ill can gain sobriety if they are able to be honest. I wasn't, and it turned out I was mentally ill to a certain extent. It has been in being willing to manage this slight defect that I have been able to submit to my Master. I had to come to terms with the fact that I am not able to control my body or my brain myself. That seemed like an excuse, but instead it was a point of submission, through which I learned dependence upon my Master.

So I too find myself a man of "unclean lips" living among a people of "unclean lips"; a discovery reached while in the presence of my Master. Today is Sunday, and I go to worship at a new church we have never known, with people we have never met, and in ways we can't predict beforehand. It will not be like the larger church we left in Texas, and that can be good, or bad; or good and bad. But we have the assurance that my Master has led us here. So we worship with the knowledge that the One we worship is Master over all with whom we worship; just as He has demonstrated His mastery over every other detail of our lives here.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, July 3

Facing the Tyranny of Boxes

One of those nagging fears at the back of my mind is the fear that I am not devoted to my Master, and am only pretending. One of the problems with this fear is the inherent insanity. It opens up this vista of my interior that I admit I have no knowledge of. Having no knowledge of myself in any particular area is one of those things that really bugs me. As you might imagine, I spend a lot of my life bugged. I surprise myself way too often. Chambers claims that no one can be devoted to Jesus unless the Holy Spirit causes it within them. In a sense this is very comforting because of this insane fear. I don't have to know about this area of myself because it is dependent on another anyway.

If you've kept up with that tidbit of weirdness, let me explore another. The response to my lack of self-knowledge is grounded in self-centered rebellion toward my Master. I am called to submit to what He is transforming me into, to do the work He has prepared for me beforehand, and to walk about in that purpose for eternity. There is no room for "fear" of what I don't know about myself. If I am truly submitted to my Master there should be little I am aware of about myself. In fact, the only thing I should really be conscious of is my connection to my Master. Much of what I do, say, and think should, to a very high degree, appear random.

In fact, I am here in Nevada for following such a program of randomness. I received a lot of strange looks from people when I explained what I was doing and why. But with the provision so clear and evident, it was hard to argue against the apparent randomness. It worked, and in this country, pragmatism is "king", summarized in one of our favorite phrases, "whatever works!" So even though what I did in moving out here was difficult to explain, the only sense of it was obedience to my Master, and His consequent provision. This provision confirmed even before we moved that we were doing the right thing. This could only mean that part of what my Master was doing was intended to impact those we left behind.

But we also have a story to bring with us. We have only begun to explain to those here why we're here. I have no idea how this will affect those we come into contact with here. Perhaps that is part of what my Master is leading us into, but I suspect there is much more. The problem I face at the moment is a house of boxes causing me to be unsettled (duh! I just moved halfway across country and I feel unsettled, go figure). What would I expect, yet this too stems from this sense of inherent rebellion toward my Master. The trust has begun to ebb, and I have to again envelope myself in His Spirit. Whenever I try to leave that safe place of my Master's Spirit, the fears of the unknown, including the unknown of my own interior, flood in and threaten to overwhelm me. It's an ugly unfriendly place out there.

So, the application for today is to remain, or abide, or simply exist as a branch connected to the Vine of my Master. I am to retreat into Him rather than survey the unknown vistas of my interior. I am to allow my fears to be swallowed up in the love of my Master, His protection, and to respond to the resulting peace with worship and living before Him. The boxes won't unpack themselves, but I can do a box at a time, or perhaps a room at a time. The timing of my Master is better than my hurry for a comfortable semblance of symmetry and order. My definitions of those terms are so lacking anyway (just look at my work desk some time). The definitions of my Master are much more complex, even to the extent of appearing random. I'll let that be His concern, and work on another room. Perhaps the closet, that's a small room…with way too much in it. Maybe the living room would be better.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, July 2

Transformation Through Relationship Restoration?

Chambers continues the idea from yesterday, where I am to make friends with my opponent on the way to court. As he put it, my Master intends to sanctify me through restoring human relationships, even if I'm not entirely at fault. I still see this as a very practical application of this passage. Today, he says that the process of sanctification is so important to my Master that He will go to the last penny to restore the broken relationship.

Chambers says that He goes until we submit my right to myself to my Master, but I believe that it's not that simple. I believe that my Master did not just truncate the punishment when I submitted, but my ability to endure it increased. With me, manipulation is too close to the surface. I can appear to submit to get out of trouble without the mental or spiritual required soul-deep decision and determination needed. This has been my pattern with my addiction, and I apply it to other areas as well.

So, the process of sanctification my Master uses with me can be strict, but He knows I need it. It has been working, and I am enjoying life more, even though life has not necessarily improved. In fact, in my work arena, things have actually worsened to some degree. I have been able to maintain a much better attitude through submission to my Master and accepting that I am what He has made me. It has taken the death of some illusions and pretensions about myself.

I am not as strong as I want to be. It was my Master who made me this weak. I am not as smart as I think I ought to be. But my Master limited my ability to learn. I am not as good looking as I want to be. And it was my Master who decided I would look this way. So, all this trying, and pretending has been to disagree with my Master about who I am, and what I should be. I have fought my Master on these points, and my relationships with others have suffered because of it. I would have sacrificed anyone to ensure that I attained my illusions, and I pretended that I had.

In a Christ-centered 12-Step program I was a part of for nearly 5 years, the method used to work through a fourth-step (Made a fearless and moral inventory of myself), was centered on relationships. I looked at my experiences, not as historical events only, but through the lens of the relationships involved. This is a direct application of this passage as Chambers uses it. The process takes time, and it takes several applications of the step to reach the level where my Master can reveal the deep problems I have been ignoring.

So, today, as I turn in the U-Haul, I will be gracious as I have been given grace. I will make friends with my "opponent" (only marginally an opponent, and only in a business sense). I will seek to ensure that my tone and treatment of my daughter is not in proportion to her attitude with me (reacting), but always showing the deep love I have regardless of her attitude. I will respond to my wife's response to her circumstance of a house of boxes, and spending time with her parents before they leave (the stress of being torn between two "oughts").

It is my Master who makes this possible; I am not capable. We are finally here where He has worked so thoroughly to bring us. In this spiritual incubator I will be transformed. I just don't know what I will be. I hope I like it…oh wait, that's the silly criteria that got me in this trouble in the first place. I hope I am good clay for my Master Potter.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, July 1