Frightening Things About A Holy God

Now one of the servants of Saul was there that day, detained before the LORD; and his name was Doeg the Edomite, the chief of Saul's shepherds. (1 Samuel 21:7 NASB)

 In almost every translation I have, Doeg is described as 'detained before the Lord'.  This is one of the few verses that I've run into where something like this is so commonly translated in so many versions.  The word in Hebrew can looked up in a Strong's Concordance as H6113 or here at the Blue Letter Bible website (one of my favorite online resources). 

The word is most often used for when God 'shuts' the windows of heaven during a drought, or shuts the wombs of women so they don't bear children, and so on.  The key here is that the word is not ordinarily used for what people do (unless to point out what they 'cannot do'), but rather for what God does.  If you read the rest of this story (into chapter 22), consider that, according to the writer, God caused Doeg to be present knowing he would betray and destroy the priests of Nob and their entire city.

Doeg's presence precipitates one of the darkest days of Israel.  King Saul has the entire city, men, women, children, infants, and animals wiped out.  In his paranoia he goes over the top in his punishment of priests; priests who weren't even rebellious or in defiance before him.  His servants wouldn't carry out his order to slay the priests, only this Doeg character.  So, why would a loving, holy omniscient God restrain such a character in Nob to witness David getting help from them?

First off, I don't really know.  I do have a theory though (go figure).  Not often in these places are we given that many clues, but here I think I can find a possible answer combined from two places.  The first is 1 Samuel 2:27-36; the prophecy against the house of Eli.  In it is this phrase:

'Behold, the days are coming when I will break your strength and the strength of your father's house so that there will not be an old man in your house.  You will see the distress of My dwelling, in spite of all the good that I do for Israel; and an old man will not be in your house forever.  Yet I will not cut off every man of yours from My altar so that your eyes will fail from weeping and your soul grieve, and all the increase of your house will die in the prime of life. (1 Samuel 2:31-33 NASB)

So, in a sense, due to the sins of Eli and his sons, the house of Aaron (not Levi, but Eli within the house of Aaron) would be cut off both from the land and from serving before the altar.

The second clue I find in 1 Kings 2:26, 27 where Solomon dismisses Abiathar (the last remaining priest from Eli's line) from service:

Then to Abiathar the priest the king said, "Go to Anathoth to your own field, for you deserve to die; but I will not put you to death at this time, because you carried the ark of the Lord GOD before my father David, and because you were afflicted in everything with which my father was afflicted." So Solomon dismissed Abiathar from being priest to the LORD, in order to fulfill the word of the LORD, which He had spoken concerning the house of Eli in Shiloh. (1 Kings 2:26-27 NASB)

What I surmise from these two passages is that the destruction of the priest of Nob was actually 'arranged' by God; which is very frightening to me.  What I mean by this is that the Loving King of Righteousness, in justice and judgment, restrained Doeg so that his presence would bring about a portion of His judgment against the priestly line of Eli.  At least, that's my theory.

And here's what I learn from this:  Not all my problems from other people are persecution for righteousness.  In fact, at least in my case, I would contend I suffer the consequences for my sin.  But beyond this, when my sin before my Master is great, these consequences can also be severe on my family; guilt-by-association or environment or something.  It's a reminder that my sin is not just about me, but about those around me. 

I hope therefore, that my repentance is also about others, not just me; that my heart broken before my Master will also positively affect others around me.  Truly, my sin, in addition to all the other reasons in my dark heart, is also selfish in that I afflict others without regard for their consequences.  So, I hope also my brokenness before my Master will be selfless, before my Master, and before others.  Strength to resist sin becomes something I exert for my Master, but also for those around me.  Once again, it's less about me.  Good grief, I really do need to just fade to the background, and be lost behind the view of my Master.

The Wait of The World 2: More Lessons Learned

Why do you say, O Jacob, and assert, O Israel,
  "My way is hidden from the LORD, And the justice due me escapes the notice of my God"? 

  (Isaiah 40:27 NASB)

One element of Hebrew poetry is parallelism, and within that can sometimes be found chiastic structures (parallels forming an 'X').  The reason chiastic structures are important elements is that the 'crux' of the structure forms the focal element of the poem.  So it helps understanding the poem to be able to spot these structures.

In this verse is the only full chiastic structure I could find in the last passage of Isaiah 40 (v. 27-31).  There could be many more before this, and this could form a part of a larger chiastic structure, but I didn't look anywhere but in the last 5 verses.  The reason this one is interesting is what forms the crux.

The major parallel structure is found in the quote, and the parallel is chiastic in nature.  There are three repeated elements, and they are repeated in exact reverse in the second half of the parallel (see the image below).  So elements A, B, and C are repeated in a, b, and c, but in reverse order.  This focuses importance on element B/b.

The way these elements show up in the quote is as follows:

• A = 'hidden'
• a = 'escapes notice'
• B = 'my way'
• b = 'justice due me'
• C = 'LORD'
• c = 'my God'

So, literally:

Hidden / my way / from the LORD
Of my God / the justice due me / escapes the notice

So the focus of the quote (and therefore the exiled Israelites) is their way and their justice.  It's on them. 

That's what this poem taught the first audience, what they understood it to mean.  Is it any less of a critical lesson today?  We as believers and followers of Jesus are in 'exile' in a sense since we're not home yet.  We long for that home, for restoration, for completeness, and for the presence of our King.  Yet it's the focus on our situation, what we don't have, what we want, our rights and entitlements that keeps us from experiencing the Kingdom; the presence of our King in this exiled state.
This is the dangerous trap I fall into; focus on my way and my entitlement.  It blinds me to the eternal qualities of my Master.  What I have heard, what I have known of my Master I forget and ignore because I'm too focused on my own stuff.  The power I lack and the endurance I need come from the One I have been ignoring!  The solution I seek through my own power and ability is obscured by my own self-centered (and therefore self-destructive) attitude. 


Today is time for a change.  The challenge for me is learn this lesson for today, all day, every hour; in dealing with my customers, my family, my co-workers, and my community.  Will I focus on the eternal qualities of my Master, will I 'hope expectantly' in my Master knowing what I have heard, and living that out?  The alternative isn't pretty, and hasn't been working; so the only thing I have to lose is more time spent as a loser.  I think I can do without more of that.

How Do I Change My 'Want To'?

The first sentence in the third chapter of Multiply by Francis Chan is a question, "Why do you want to make disciples?"  Am I the only one who reads that and thinks, "I'm not sure I want to make disciples"?  I have two issues running parallel here.  One, I'm scared of getting that deep into people; and two, I struggle loving people in general.

Okay, I'm going to revisit the entry from yesterday a bit here.  I look a the list of what love is, and I really struggle to consider it seriously.  I can break it down more specifically if you like (I'm sure you'd love that...), word by word, but really the essence of it is completely self-less.  In fact that makes up two of the actual words used, "self-seeking" and "self-inflating" both of which love is not.

I'm caught in the trap of saying I don't believe this world is about me, but then behaving as if I'm the one who has to make the wise choices to protect myself, my family, and my stuff.  I say I love, but I'm skeptical of others, I hope warily and sparingly, I provoke others (often for my own amusement, often for revenge), I keep records of wrongs others have done to me so I can classify them as 'safe' or 'unsafe', and more.  I'm impatient with others when there's something else I'd rather do I consider more fun.  I'm more often nice (acting) than kind (genuinely interested in the well-being of others).  I am even envious of others life situation, stuff they have, or the way people treat them.  And I hate to say it, but I brag; you know, I'm humble about it and all, but I do brag...

The reason I don't necessarily want to make disciples is that I'm not sure I want disciples like me.  Well, except for one thing; there is one thing I'd like to give to disciples.  When I mess up, which occupies a lot of my time as you can tell, I come back to my Master.  I return to Him, even covered in the mess of my mistakes.  In a sense I repent, even if temporarily before running back into the same stupid stuff I was just in.  I come back.  That is something I would like to teach others.  Because of that, I am one of those who never really give up; not for long anyway.  I may be tore up pretty good, have my armor on backwards, be holding the shield upside down, and my sword with poor grip; but I still stand up after being knocked down.

I'm sure there are people who might prefer I give up since I don't present a very 'nice' picture of a disciple, and therefore of a 'disciple-maker'.  I'm not pretty, I get that.  I totally get Paul's reference to 'treasures in jars of clay' reference in 2 Corinthians 4:7; I'm not a pretty pot, not much suited to treasure, more for a small shrub or herb, or something.  If you don't want the treasure found, I might make a good hiding place; who'd look in me for my Master's treasure?  But pretty or not, looking the part or not, I'm His.  And I'm not going anywhere else.

Unfortunately for me, I can't really 'teach' that as it were; it has to be 'caught' by being around people and them seeing it me and adopting that perspective or quality.  Which really sucks for the disciple I might make because they will also run the risk of 'catching' my other stuff as well.  "I don't love much, but I'm persistent about it!"  Lovely.

But maybe, part of the purpose of making disciples is so I might learn to love, to finally get out of myself and consider others.  What if my Master wants to bring me (and so 'catch' the quality from Him) into contact with others on a messy base level so I will learn to love them as He does?  Do I think in actually being responsible for someone besides myself I will gain this quality?  No, because being a spouse and a parent hasn't done that (much to the chagrin of my wife and daughter).  It comes from being in close contact with my Master as I struggle to obey and wander out of my comfort into His frontier found in the lives of others.  There I find the capacity of love my Master builds into me.  There He pours His love into me and I do what I can't, what I don't want, and what He has designed me to do.

From Zero to Hero, and From Hero to Zero

But Saul, who was also known as Paul, filled with the Holy Spirit, fixed his gaze on him, and said, "You who are full of all deceit and fraud, you son of the devil, you enemy of all righteousness, will you not cease to make crooked the straight ways of the Lord?   Now, behold, the hand of the Lord is upon you, and you will be blind and not see the sun for a time." And immediately a mist and a darkness fell upon him, and he went about seeking those who would lead him by the hand.   Then the proconsul believed when he saw what had happened, being amazed at the teaching of the Lord.   Now Paul and his companions put out to sea from Paphos and came to Perga in Pamphylia; but John left them and returned to Jerusalem. (Acts 13:9-13 NASB)

Until this time, the character of Saul has followed everyone else in lists.  He was listed with impressive people, but while fade into obscurity, his name changes and suddenly everyone's hanging around him.  The timing is before a Roman proconsul with the same name, Paul, and as Saul/Paul confronts a false prophet.  From then on his name is Paul.

But the change is without fanfare or comment on the change.  Saul aka Paul, filled with the Holy Spirit, gazes at the false prophet.  There's no comment on the connection between the names (it seems to be euphonic only). The companions of Paul travel from Paphos to Perga.  There's no explanation of why Barnabas is no longer taking point, or why it's not "Paul and Barnabas" at this point.  Paul seems to have eclipsed everyone.

I notice a few things here that I find interesting.  First off, there's no record that Barnabas has a problem with this.  This guy has been a true encouragement all along, and now he sees a "protege" of his taking flight.  Well, something like that perhaps.  For whatever reason, it seems that he is willing to relent, to give up that prime position without a fuss.  It may not have even been an issue really, just felt like a natural progression.  But does it mean anything that Barnabas is from Cyprus; that he sells a field from there?  It doesn't seem to.

I suppose that these changes that my Master brings about are to be acceptable to me as well.  Like Barnabas, I should be willing to take a one-down on issues, be willing to fade into the background.  This week I have had to eat a bit of crow, and I have to admit, I didn't like the taste.  The way I could have avoided it was to just let things be, or at least ask around before assuming I knew what was happening.  I was prideful and in a hurry.  Barnabas does not seem burdened with that problem.  He's not really in a hurry, and he does not seem prideful.

I mention this because I believe that my Master has given me both the gift and the task of encouragement.  I am constantly amazed at how ineffective such a gift is when I full of myself.  It actually works in reverse and I discourage.  So I myself am naturally discouraging, but my Master has gifted me in an area I am naturally weak and given me the job of encouraging.  So, like Barnabas, I am to be an encourager.  Like Barnabas, I am supposed to build people up.  But like Barnabas, that's not going to happen if I don't take the time to shed my pride and take time to be present with those I am called to encourage. 

If I want to stand back and watch a "Paul" emerge onto the stage, I have to be willing to stand back.  But even before that, I have to be willing to go through the transition from leading and guiding to following and supporting.  If I'm not willing to do that, I'm never going to see what my Master will do with the amazing people with whom I serve.  I have to be willing to go from zero to hero, but also from hero to zero.  It must be my Master who designates who and for how long he makes the hero.  It is my job to submit to His designation for however long He designates.

Pardon me, I think I heard the oven ding.  My humble pie must be finished.  Gotta go, it's breakfast.

Grace and the Value of People

Once I explore the cross of Jesus, then travel through Saturday to the Resurrection, and then consider the possibility of living in both this physical world and the spiritual one; only then does the shape of grace begin to emerge.  It begins to clarify with the cross, and through the resurrection it gains definition, but then I see what I have been doing to myself spiritually and I see what my Master thought was such a price.  It is appalling to see what my Master purchased at such a cost. 

The value of sin-ridden, selfish rebels (aka humans) is found in the price paid by their Creator.  They have value just in that they were created by such a One as the Creator of the universe; that’s pretty remarkable and imparts value.  But their condition from that point on is a downward spiral.  Like fish or cut fruit, we go bad very fast when left to ourselves.  So the short shelf-life might be expected to reduce the value unless there was some gain or other payoff.  The pride of people in general, that they can somehow achieve the good standing they need, or all the good standing necessary, removes any such gain or payoff.

The value of human creatures is not found in the short supply, the supply grows at a staggering rate, and the value of life seems to plummet along with it.  The value of human creatures is only found in the going price paid by their Creator.  The realization that my value is found in my Master and nowhere else is not comfortable.  I want to have some power over my value, and I have no positive effect at all.  I want to somehow control my eternal fate, and all I can do is choose to submit to my Master.  I want to be able to gain the attention of others for my standing before my Master but I am outshined.

It is my continual self-centered nature that desires these things, and it is the grace of my Master, the freely given declaration of righteousness, that imparts value to my life.  My life is full of rebellion against my Master, limited self-centered assessment of my surroundings, and grandiose claims of importance.  But my boast should be in Christ alone, and Him crucified.  What I have to boast about, point to, and accept in my heart is that all my value comes from my Master; His extreme bid for a relationship with Him.

But I also need to recognize my value among my fellow human creatures.  It wasn’t for one that my Master paid such a price, but for the whole cosmos.  It was not just for me, but for my neighbors too.  The value I find in what my Master has done for me is the value of those around me as well.  There is no room for feeling superior or as if I am distinct in any other way than that I benefit from this value, and many of them do not.  Clearly there is no room for me to assess myself any higher than those around me. 

It is an underlying philosophy or philosophical position that when everyone is special, no one is; that specialness implies uniqueness.  That’s true in our cultural use of the word, but from the perspective of my Master, humanity is special in relation to all of creation.  His wider perspective does impart uniqueness to people, but not among themselves, among the rest of creation.  So, again, my value is along with, not over and above the value of others around me.  I’m not special among people (although I am fairly unique), I am special because I am a person; as is everyone else.  And yet there are the “elect” in Scripture; another evidence of grace.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, November 28

The Future, Myself, This Blog, and my Master

The site for MUFHH is back online.  What a relief?  Not really.  Now I am questioning the entire work of this blog.  Today, using the passage in 1 Peter 2:9 (royal priesthood and so on), Chambers says I am to forget about praying and focusing on my own change, and focus on priestly prayer for others.  So, does that nullify all that I have written over the past six months on this blog? 

This blog has ever been about God’s work in my life.  It has been about where He is changing me, and what I see I need to change.  It has never been about what others should do.  I write to hold myself accountable to a wider group, not to propagate change in others.  That sounds self-centered, but I believe that my Master is working out the change in me, and will do so in others.  It’s not my job to change others.  Perhaps these entries will influence others.

But writing for me, writing about what I am going through, and writing daily may be overly self-focused.  What about the work of intercessory prayer for others?  After all, the passage referring to believers as a royal priesthood is about going before my Master on behalf of others.  This is a lot of work and time to spend on myself.  So, is it right to spend so liberally on myself?

I really do not have a lot of feedback on any effect this is having on others.  And from the beginning I said that this is not about the effect it has on others.  From the outset this has been about being accountable with the work of my Master in my own life.  And there has been a lot of change in my own life.  I am not the same person I was at the end of 2010.  I have a long way to go, just for 12 months of sobriety.  And I have a lot to pass through to get there.  But I have come so far, and I am humbled, and confused.

Why has it taken so long?  Why, after wrestling with my addictive sin for over 20 years, am I only now finding freedom from it?  The only real difference is my posture of submission.  I have tried to submit before, but had a mental block or wall.  I am not sure what it was other than depression.  I seemed drawn to depression as a default response to most of life.

Once I have moved, I plan to jump into another 12-step program I have found where I am going.  It is one I am familiar with already, and really like.  Not every place does the program the same, and I prefer when it is done according to the program guidelines.  So I am a bit concerned about how they do it, but since I have no way of knowing, there is no sense in worrying about it.  That it is available is remarkable enough.

Perhaps that program will be enough of an outlet that this blog will no longer be necessary.  I would miss the discipline.  But I need to be open to my Master’s leading and guiding.  This discipline can be replaced by another.  But I also sense I would miss this blog on a relational level as well.  It is as if I am writing to someone, even if no one reads this.

Maybe this blog will continue, but rather than meanderings from MUFHH, I will meander from another source, and toward another goal.  Perhaps I will begin to write for others, not necessarily to others, but on their behalf, fulfilling the role of royal priest in that way.  There is certainly a lot for which to pray, the world is filled with need.  In fact, much of the hurt and pain in this world is caused by excessive degrees of the addiction I suffer.  I have some specific insight into an area of human need I know too much about.  Perhaps that will be what this blog will morph into.

In any case, and to whatever degree, the important thing is not to jump into or out of something unless I am following my Master.  It is not what I or others think of the actions I take, but whether those actions I take are guided and directed by my Master, driven by obedient devotion to Him.  Obedience is better than sacrifice, especially in ministering, and even more so in spiritual disciplines.  I cannot allow this blog to become about this blog, it must always be an expression of my Master’s will.  I believe that to date, He has been glorified, and not so much me.  This is a season of change in my life, and so this blog may change too.  But as I have followed my Master through this change, I must continue to follow Him; even regarding this blog.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, June 21

More To Loose That I Thought Was Already Gone

I really need Chambers’ entry for today.  He extends the passage he uses from Hebrews 13 into verse 6 (so Hebrews 13:5-6).  The point he makes is that once my Master says so, I should then say so.  Here’s how it applies to me.  Since my Master has said, “I love you, I have have your back, I want you to wait, worship, and walk before Me,” I should say after Him, “You love me, You have my back, I am at Your service, and I will wait patiently for Your provision, worship You as my Master, and walk before you daily.”

Sounds easy, and it probably is easy.  As moving day approaches, I am more fearful.  Why?  Seriously, the provision for which I am supposed to be trusting my Master is almost entirely in place.  What is my problem?  I think my problem rests in not being able to control so many of the details.  They truly are out of my hands.  But there is the thought of adding more stuff.  We are getting rid of a lot (yay!), but now we may be taking a big bed we had not counted on, a fridge, washer, dryer, and possibly a freezer.  Seriously?  I don’t want to.  The bed, I think we can handle, because I disassemble fairly well.  The other stuff we don’t pick up until we arrive, but we are supposed to do so before we see the house and unload our stuff. 

These are not big problems.  But they still bother me.  Why?  Mainly because I let them.  I need to find out about internet since utilities take about two weeks to setup (seriously?!), and if I want to be able to remote in to do my job that needs to be ordered two-weeks before I need it.  Since I don’t know what I need to remote in, I don’t know which type (cable or DSL) to get.  Thorny problem?  Not for my Master.  It didn’t catch Him by surprise, and He has been aware of the timing all along.  So…what am I worried about again?

I guess this is one of those opportunities I need to take to be careful about maintaining my emotional well-being.  It takes a level of honesty on my part that I am not used to demonstrating.  Instead of letting people really know what is going on inside, I try to present a façade of doing better than I am.  I try to be strong for my family.  All I achieve is a confusing emotional distance that they distrust and annoys them.  When I was asked about the appliances, I should have said, “no, not until we get there and see what’s what.”  The bed  issue I should have arranged at that point, to disassemble it early, and get it hauled over the storage unit for loading.  These are not hard things.  But included in those responses should have been an honest assessment of my feelings that goes along with those wants/desires/preferences. 

And honest assessment includes the part that says, “yes, the emotions show immaturity and selfishness, I see that, and I will work on it.”  Because sometimes the reason I don’t express how I feel is because I know it doesn’t come from the “good” parts of me.  I want to present a good façade, not a true expression of my baser qualities.  But if I don’t bring those out, inventory them, and and own them for what they are, I can’t then be rid of them.  In 12-step programs, this process is part of the “maintenance step,” 10 which says, “Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.”  I can’t survive spiritually and emotionally intact if I only inventory the stuff I like.   Steps 6 and 7 are steps which are probably the least understood, and the ones which are most dependent upon my Master. 

Step 6 says, “Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.”  Step 7 says, “Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.”  This is the response to an inventory showing things that are wrong.  I become ready, and then I humbly ask.  I don’t remove them, I release them; I lay down on the table and let my Master Surgeon do His thing.  I obey, I submit, I give up portions of my personality I have protected for most of my life.  They are the parts I put in place to cope with problems and issues instead of turning to my Master for that coping strength.  They are rickety props that are more dangerous than helpful, they are part of who I am, and they need to go.

I want the truck packing to be easy, so I want as little as possible to go on it.  I am intimidated to drive such a large truck so I want to do as little backing and turning as possible.  There is a part of me that would just as soon set a match to my possessions and start over in a new location, as pack them and unpack them in a new, unfamiliar house. 

Now for the reality.  These possessions are not mine to just get rid of.  We will have immediate needs once we arrive which these possessions will be needed to fulfill.  The desire to make the packing easy may be understandable, but is not practical nor is it considerate of others.  My fear of driving such a large truck is understandable, but is the responsibility I took when we decided on the larger truck.  I may not want to back it down a narrow dirt driveway and through a narrow angled gate, but I have to accept that I may need to, and do my best.  I suspect that if I ask to disassemble the bed before we pack and get it over to the unit, I will be granted that request.  But I have to make the request before it can be granted.

Master, there are several “defects of character” evident here in these desires, selfishness, fear, resentments on top of those, and layer of shame which is why I hid them.  Please reveal to me the other shortcomings I am missing.  These that I see, I need strength and courage to become ready to have you remove.  I want you to remove them, but I have two things to accomplish first.  I need the courage to be ready, and I need to humbly ask You to remove them.

And I thought I would have little to do while waiting for moving day.  What was I thinking?  Well, excuse me while I don my paper gown, and get up on the operating table.  I believe my Master has His scalpel in hand and is waiting for me.  See you on the other side.

Oswald Chambers' "My Utmost For His Highest": June 5th.