The first sentence in the third chapter of Multiply by Francis Chan is a question, "Why do you want to make disciples?" Am I the only one who reads that and thinks, "I'm not sure I want to make disciples"? I have two issues running parallel here. One, I'm scared of getting that deep into people; and two, I struggle loving people in general.
Okay, I'm going to revisit the entry from yesterday a bit here. I look a the list of what love is, and I really struggle to consider it seriously. I can break it down more specifically if you like (I'm sure you'd love that...), word by word, but really the essence of it is completely self-less. In fact that makes up two of the actual words used, "self-seeking" and "self-inflating" both of which love is not.
I'm caught in the trap of saying I don't believe this world is about me, but then behaving as if I'm the one who has to make the wise choices to protect myself, my family, and my stuff. I say I love, but I'm skeptical of others, I hope warily and sparingly, I provoke others (often for my own amusement, often for revenge), I keep records of wrongs others have done to me so I can classify them as 'safe' or 'unsafe', and more. I'm impatient with others when there's something else I'd rather do I consider more fun. I'm more often nice (acting) than kind (genuinely interested in the well-being of others). I am even envious of others life situation, stuff they have, or the way people treat them. And I hate to say it, but I brag; you know, I'm humble about it and all, but I do brag...
The reason I don't necessarily want to make disciples is that I'm not sure I want disciples like me. Well, except for one thing; there is one thing I'd like to give to disciples. When I mess up, which occupies a lot of my time as you can tell, I come back to my Master. I return to Him, even covered in the mess of my mistakes. In a sense I repent, even if temporarily before running back into the same stupid stuff I was just in. I come back. That is something I would like to teach others. Because of that, I am one of those who never really give up; not for long anyway. I may be tore up pretty good, have my armor on backwards, be holding the shield upside down, and my sword with poor grip; but I still stand up after being knocked down.
I'm sure there are people who might prefer I give up since I don't present a very 'nice' picture of a disciple, and therefore of a 'disciple-maker'. I'm not pretty, I get that. I totally get Paul's reference to 'treasures in jars of clay' reference in 2 Corinthians 4:7; I'm not a pretty pot, not much suited to treasure, more for a small shrub or herb, or something. If you don't want the treasure found, I might make a good hiding place; who'd look in me for my Master's treasure? But pretty or not, looking the part or not, I'm His. And I'm not going anywhere else.
Unfortunately for me, I can't really 'teach' that as it were; it has to be 'caught' by being around people and them seeing it me and adopting that perspective or quality. Which really sucks for the disciple I might make because they will also run the risk of 'catching' my other stuff as well. "I don't love much, but I'm persistent about it!" Lovely.
But maybe, part of the purpose of making disciples is so I might learn to love, to finally get out of myself and consider others. What if my Master wants to bring me (and so 'catch' the quality from Him) into contact with others on a messy base level so I will learn to love them as He does? Do I think in actually being responsible for someone besides myself I will gain this quality? No, because being a spouse and a parent hasn't done that (much to the chagrin of my wife and daughter). It comes from being in close contact with my Master as I struggle to obey and wander out of my comfort into His frontier found in the lives of others. There I find the capacity of love my Master builds into me. There He pours His love into me and I do what I can't, what I don't want, and what He has designed me to do.
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