But the Lord said to him, "Go, for he is a chosen instrument of Mine, to bear My name before the Gentiles and kings and the sons of Israel; for I will show him how much he must suffer for My name's sake." (Acts 9:15-16 NASB)
The conversion of Saul is very dramatic; arguably the most dramatic in all of Acts. For some this implies that the book is really about Saul. For others it seems that it's just like Saul, who comes off as a bit of a drama king in this book. But the intent and plan of God from the beginning of Saul's conversion seems to include a very rough life for Saul.
Just in chapter 9, his own people try to keep him in Damascus to kill him. Just past that, in Jerusalem, his own people again plot to kill him. And to get away from the "drama" he is shipped to Tarsus, where's he's from. And there he remains, at least for a chapter and a half. No time frame is given, but it seems unlikely this was his "fourteen years in Arabia" he describes in Galatians 1. Luke seems to leave that part out of the story entirely.
Saul seems to be surrounded by turmoil, dissent, anger, and violence. Where he goes, cities are in uproar, riots break out, violence against followers of Jesus ensues, and peace is difficult to find; at least until he leaves. His "resume" offered to those who would question his apostolic office and authority is filled with his own suffering (2 Corinthians 11).
Does Saul ever wonder why him? Ironically, in Acts 9, Jesus asks him, "Why Me?" Does Saul ever ask the question back? Perhaps when Saul asks for the "thorn" to be removed? I'm not sure where the question can be seen in Acts or in Saul's letters. But I'm fairly confident he asked it at some point. Although to offset the pain of this suffering was his knowledge of the damage he did to the church in Jerusalem and Judea. In his own mind, there had to be a lot for which to "atone". This also makes him very aware of grace.
If he is disappointed in God, it nevers reaches paper. Disappointment for Saul is reserved for his fellow believers. And yet even that seems to disapate in later letters. I think for Saul, the lesson he learns through his "dramatic" ministry is to hold lightly the expectation of others. At some point, as he deals more with his "crew" of fellow ministers rather than churches, his tone toward churches is less about admonishing the church, and more about encouraging the leaders. Even in his letter to the Philippian church, where he does seek to correct a dispute, he is more encouraging than in other earlier letters.
So what happened in him to affect such a change? I believe his disappointments finally died. He reached a point where he could see people in church in much the same way Jesus did. Jesus was never surprised by people, even those who said they were followers. Paul reaches a point where he isn't either. He no longer expects people to "get it". I'm not there yet.
I still want people to get it, and still struggle when they don't. On the other hand, I keep discovering so much I don't get. I'm decent at knowing and finding out, but putting what I learn into practice is not my strong suit. The discovery is fun, the practice is hard. I love to find stuff in Scripture, but acting out on the truth I discover means dying to myself, and I don't love that. Yet until I do, I won't be happy.
When my Master rules in my heart and mind, I won't hold such a primary place. The expectations I have of others, whether "Scripturally-Based" or not are truly about me more than my Master. The ensuing disappointments cause pain that is not mine to bear; it belongs to my Master. It is in the experience of failure to control what I cannot that I feel pain within the family of fellow believers.
Sure I lament sin I see in me and in others, but it's not mine to "expunge". Why should I expect them to be free from it when I'm not free of mine? Why should I expect them to understand and apply what I do not? I'm forgiven, and forgiven of a whole lot. Yet that knowledge hasn't yet inspired me to renounce myself and wholy embrace my Master as Master. When I, in this condition, am disappointed by others around me, I have refocused on me. And I can't be focused on myself, and my Master at the same time.
When I am focused completely on my Master, I am no longer expecting anything of others except that they wander in confusion, just like I do. I can't see the ridiculous difference between myself and my Master and yet have a higher expectation of others; not when I'm focused on my Master. Saul suffered, and Jesus said that Saul would be shown how much Saul must suffer for Jesus' name. What, am I better than Saul? More worthy of ease and comfort? Less likely to need such lessons? Um...no.
So, it's time for me to quit whining, and start praying. It's time for me to praise my Master, extoll His virtues and power, glorify Him viewing His awesome works in the heavens, and express His value to me. What needs to change is the focus of my heart and mind. What does that as well and as thoroughly as worship? Nothing I can think of.
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