Since my last post of 2011 (back in December), a lot has happened. But the accountability of this web log hasn't been one of those things. And now I've fallen back into bad behavior patterns. I lied to my wife to hide from her and have been caught in my lie. I know the lying makes no sense, I knew even as I did it. I hid because I was afraid. Just as Adam and Eve hurt their Maker, I hurt both my wife and my Maker. Why? I don't really have a reason, just lots of excuses. I was afraid, but the fear was an outworking of my pride and selfishness. I didn't want to appear the poor sinner and frail person I truly am. Again, not a reason as much as an excuse. The irony dripping from my compounded failure is that I have been teaching out of Genesis 3, covering in detail the futility and shame caused by the lie of the serpent, then the man, then the woman; as if God didn't know.
Those of you who know me best, know this was a pattern of more than a year ago. I have been doing well avoiding it primarily because of the accountability of this web log. I now have three additional web logs, and none of them is for accountability. I have decided to return to an accountability group I stopped because it took more time from my family. That is a fine step, but I am involved in several aspects of leadership in my church and I sense I need to come clean from my moral compromise with them all. I am ashamed to do so, but how can I lead from shadows? I may not be leading at all after I do, but that will be no less than I have earned.
The sense of relief at being "caught" is another cause of concern for me. I have caused serious pain in my wife, opened up old wounds, and undermined her sense of security in our relationship. Sure, I don't have to "hide" anymore and there is relief in not living with the lie, but now I must engage in the pain I have caused. It is different than wallowing in shame or seeking some self-satisfying penance. Until I truly accept the damage I have caused, I won't really appreciate the cost of lying. If I don't accept the cost, I will trivialize it, denial sets in, and I am right back in the damaged thinking that enabled me to lie in the first place.
I began to think my appearance to others, including my wife, was worth lying, and the stress of remaining in shadows. I began to build the facade I lived behind for years. I created imaginary monsters to explain my moral lapses. All this is a fancy way to define idolatry. I set how others see me over my love and devotion to my Master. It was a struggle, and my Master does not give up easily, and He hasn't given up on me (why?). Even being caught is the working out of His redemption and sanctification. He gave me opportunities to come clean, and I would not. I continued to delude myself that I could work my way out of this morass I lived in instead of seeking His path of reconciliation.
Confession, I avoided it and in doing so, I compounded the failure I was supposed to confess. If I confess my sin, He is faithful and just to forgive me my sin and will purify me from all unrighteousness. That confession needed to happen with my wife. And now it happens on this blog. Am I a retard or what? Please pray for my wife.
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