It's About...Focus

Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. (1 Corinthians 13:4-7 NASB)

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. (Galatians 5:22-24 NASB)

Here we are, buried in the very core of Paul's discussion of spiritual gifts in 1 Corinthians, and right at the crux of his argument, in the very center of his structure is the description of love.  There are fifteen qualities that should define our relations with each other in our congregations, and more often than not, don't.  Don't get depressed, it seems they didn't define the early church either because look, Paul had to write to them to start acting this way.

One of the striking things about the list of fifteen qualities is how similar they are to the list of fruit of the Spirit.  In Galatians 5:22 and 23, we have a list of nine things that the Holy Spirit brings out in a believer; they are the 'fruit of His presence' in our lives.  So, I want to show this correlation, draw out some of word meaning, and wind up with a rather startling application for myself.

The first fruit of the Spirit is love.  So, the qualities in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 are all defining this first fruit.  The next fruit is joy, and love does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices together with the truth.  The third fruit is peace, and love is not jealous, bears all things, endures all things, does not take into account a wrong suffered, and is not arrogant or bragging.  The fourth fruit is patience, which is the first quality of love.  The fifth fruit is kindness, which is the second quality of love.  The sixth fruit is goodness, and love does not seek it's own, act unbecomingly, hopes all things, believes all things, holds no grudges, and does not brag.  The seventh fruit is faithfulness, and love believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things, does not take into account wrongs suffered, and is not jealous.  The eighth fruit is gentleness, and love is kind, not arrogant, does not brag, does not act unbecomingly, does not seek its own, is not provoked, and bears and endures all things.  The ninth fruit is self-control, and love, well, does all those fifteen things it does all of which require self-control.

As I think about it, the fifteen qualities of love are impossible.  They fly in the face of proper boundaries, totally violate any concept of self-protection, create a complete wimp, a limp dishrag of a human.  How can such a one not be taken advantage of?  How can such a one not be run over by uncaring callous people who aren't evil as such, but just don't care?  Seriously, how is this possible?  Okay, some I get: patient, kind, not jealous, not bragging or arrogant, those make sense in any culture.  But not 'rude'?  So, I'm supposed to 'bow to the social mores of others' even when I disagree with them? And what about 'not seeking its own'? How can I have anything to give when I don't take care of myself?

I also get 'not provoked', that's a good one.  But not counting wrongs suffered means that someone will continue to take advantage of me over and over.  Not rejoicing in unrighteousness I get, along with rejoicing together with the truth.  But the next set of four are seriously a problem for me: bears (or covers) all things? believes all things; seriously, be intentionally stupid? hopes all things? endures all things?  How will anything change if I endure it?  How will anyone not just lie to me if I believe everything?  Should I 'cover' for someone doing wrong?  You see how this description is problematic for me?  These are universals that I don't think are wise to keep, not in this evil culture in which I live.

Reality check:  So, I'm saying that God wasn't all that bright when He inspired these things? That He actually didn't know what He was doing when He inspired Paul to write them in an equally corrupt culture to one of the most famous examples of that corruption?  Is that what I'm saying?  Or am I saying that those were for them then, not for me now?  What is it that can make believing all things a wise move?  What is it that makes not considering wrongs suffered right?  Why would not seeking my own be a good idea?  What balances the scales or tips them the other way in my weighing of these qualities?

Luke records Jesus saying, "Unless a man hate his mother, father, wife, daughter, brother, sister, and even his own life, he cannot (read, 'is not able to' or 'powerful enough to') be my disciple." (Luke 14:26)  This verse always troubled me.  I know the standard interpretation that He means 'hate' as a hyperbolic comparison to how much we love Him, but still, it's harsh.  But as I read these qualities of love, something begins to come into focus.

When I love my Master so thoroughly that all other things in my life fade to shades of gray, and only He has color, then whatever happens to me isn't really that important to me.  The secret to living out these qualities of love in my life is sociopathic devotion to Jesus.  When I don't care about anything else, then why not let every wrong go unnoticed?  Haven't I been forgiven by my Master as much?  Why not believe someone's lie about themselves or to gain and advantage over me?  What can I lose if all I have worth anything is Jesus?  What is there to protect if the one thing I care anything about is my relationship with Jesus?  That's the one thing I possess that doesn't need protection, at least not mine.  It sounds totally ridiculous, and it is sociopathic, but I think that this might be the secret of my life with God.

It's scary.  I suspect that when my wife reads the above paragraph she will not be enthused by the prospect that she will be a part of the 'gray' of the rest of the world.  Yet the irony is that such a focus in me will make me a better husband for her.  I will be free to love her, and my daughter, and those in my church, and those outside my church in my neighborhood, and so on.  I'm free to selflessly love people because I'm not concerned about myself, my protection, my time, my resources, my whatever.  I can love because I have nothing to lose; at least nothing of any value that compares to my Master.  This is why these qualities look so much like 'Fruit of the Spirit' because they are the fruit produced when the Spirit of God has all of my attention.

So, I asked this question way back in these blogs, a few years ago.  "What would you do if you were convinced that God had your back?"  In other words if you had nothing to fear, and you knew that God would protect you no matter what, what would you dare to do?  The answer is often selfish.  But what if it were completely unselfish?  What if the answer were, "I would love without limits"?  I'm becoming convinced that when I am totally confident that God has me covered, I will be living out the fifteen qualities of love fearlessly.  I won't have to think about it or work at it, I'll simply 'discover' it one day.

So, here's the 'path' to get there:  When I fail, and I will, the response I need to have is worship of my Master.  In other words, I need to 'fix my focus' not 'fix my behavior'.  The behavior is a product of my focus, not the end in and of itself.  Jesus is the End, in and of Himself.  So, when I worship Him the product of that behavior is the quality of love.  And the genuineness of my love is tied to the depth of devotion in my worship.  Sounds easy, but I believe that passage about 'hating ones own family' also mentions taking up a personal instrument of torture-to-death every day.  So, along the way in worship, I die.  And I do it anyway.  Any one want to join me?

Well, Duh!

1Sa 7:3-4
3 Then Samuel spoke to all the house of Israel, saying, “ If you return to the Lord with all your heart, remove the foreign gods and the Ashtaroth from among you and direct your hearts to the Lord and serve Him alone; and He will deliver you from the hand of the Philistines.” 4 So the sons of Israel removed the Baals and the Ashtaroth and served the Lord alone.
(NASBStr)

This takes place after Israel has tried to defeat the Philistines using the Ark of God. The defeat is huge, the Ark is captured, Shiloh completely destroyed, and the people were confused. Why had their God abandoned them? Why had He allowed the gold box of His presence be taken? They were left wondering.

In this case it wasn't rocket surgery. Samuel knew. He didn't go with the Ark to battle. He was one of the Shiloh refugees, fleeing in the aftermath of disaster. But he knew why. God had already established him as a prophet, Israel already knew to seek God through Samuel, and he had been around the corruption of Eli and his sons.

The people were confused why God had left them, and the reason they sought was their confusion about their God's holiness. They totally missed it. In the previous chapter the Levites of Beth-Shemesh sent the Ark away because God was too holy; too holy for Levites. If the ones responsible for maintaining and teaching holiness didn't get it, it shouldn't surprise us that Israel didn't.

So they had seen no inconsistency in their practice of worshipping more than just the God of Israel. They had to renounce their other gods and practices before they were given success in battle. Am I any different? The rules haven't changed over the years, my Master still requires holy (singular) devotion. Yet what simple stupid stuff competes for my attention? What does it take to keep me from church? What does it take for me to miss my morning time with my Master. Why am I so easily distracted, so quick to give up time and attention to the One forming stars? And for what? What is so central to my mind that I lose focus on such a One? It's usually petty, temporal, and petty...oh wait I already said that. I was just distracted, again!

But putting all distractions and practices behind me will enable me to be used by my Master for His purposes. My success will be before Him, in His service, beyond the meager goals and aspirations of this earth. If I want transcendence, to be continually conscious of His presence, then I must be singular in my devotion. The question is, do I really want that.

Specifically Precious

He said, "Take now your son, your only son, whom you love, Isaac, and go to the land of Moriah, and offer him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains of which I will tell you." (Genesis 22:2 NASB)

One historical context of this is also a literary context.  God had already told Abraham to send Hagar and Abraham's first born away into the desert.  Because of God, at His command, Abraham had lost one precious son.  Isaac wasn't always Abraham's "only son", and there, as here, it was the fault of Abraham's Master.  This passage cannot be understood, and Abraham's faith cannot be really understood, without that context.

As the writer of Hebrews points out, Abraham figured God would raise Isaac from the dead or something since the promise given to Abraham was to come through Isaac.  But I also believe that Abraham had arrived at a place through faith that would accept the removal of the promise of land and seed.  As long as Abraham continued to hold conversations with God, he would do anything asked, and give anything requested. 

I was discussing the Calvinist theological position with a professor at school once (well, more than once, but in this one instance) and I asked if Calvinists could ever be sure that they were one of the "elect".  The answer is "no", but from their faith and behavior, the answer was "more than likely."  In other words they assume so.  But with that assumption had to come some sort of acceptance that even if they were designed to be "objects of wrath" and not the "elect" they would faithfully walk to that eventuality and glorify God with their life here on earth, and in whatever they were designated for after this life.  Essentially, any true-blue Calvinist has to accept that as part of their position.  Before you condemn that posistion, ask yourself if you have that same level of devotion to God?

In a way, Abraham shows that level of devotion, but in the things of the life he knew, not the one he didn't.  It was more real and visceral than some nebulous possibility or low probability.  This was the flesh of his son.  He was about to kill and burn up completely the child of his old age, irreplaceable, even by his Master (unless, like the writer of Hebrews said, he received Isaac back from the dead).  The gut response, the required level of devotion and faith is actually to a point most self-proclaimed Christians would be unwilling to go.  It suddenly deviates from the bounds of our definitions of God and therefore we cannot follow.

But it deviates from our definitions, and steers us directly into Who the Maker and Sustainer of the universe truly is.  The question for me is will I remain in the popular definitions of my fellow believers, or follow my Master "off reservation" (pun very deeply intended) into Who He truly is.  Will I agree to sacrifice everything at His command?  Will I follow Him to the exclusion of my wife, at the sacrifice of my only child?  Will I renounce my job, home, church, and anything else precious to me at the request of my Master?  Is He truly my Master?  Is He truly Lord of my life?  And, to the point, am I truly His servant in a relationship with the True God of the universe?

The Fractured Reality of Sodom 3: Why Is It So Hard To Leave?

When morning dawned, the angels urged Lot, saying, "Up, take your wife and your two daughters who are here, or you will be swept away in the punishment of the city."  But he hesitated. So the men seized his hand and the hand of his wife and the hands of his two daughters, for the compassion of the LORD was upon him; and they brought him out, and put him outside the city.  When they had brought them outside, one said, "Escape for your life! Do not look behind you, and do not stay anywhere in the valley; escape to the mountains, or you will be swept away."  But Lot said to them, "Oh no, my lords!  Now behold, your servant has found favor in your sight, and you have magnified your lovingkindness, which you have shown me by saving my life; but I cannot escape to the mountains, for the disaster will overtake me and I will die; now behold, this town is near enough to flee to, and it is small. Please, let me escape there (is it not small?) that my life may be saved."  He said to him, "Behold, I grant you this request also, not to overthrow the town of which you have spoken.  Hurry, escape there, for I cannot do anything until you arrive there." Therefore the name of the town was called Zoar.  The sun had risen over the earth when Lot came to Zoar.  Then the LORD rained on Sodom and Gomorrah brimstone and fire from the LORD out of heaven, and He overthrew those cities, and all the valley, and all the inhabitants of the cities, and what grew on the ground.  But his wife, from behind him, looked back, and she became a pillar of salt. (Genesis 19:15-26 NASB)

Okay, so Lot knows who these guys are, they tell him they are here to destroy the city, and yet, he can't seem to get it together to leave.  Really?  A roving mob of nocturnal rapists makes up the most common past time of the place and yet Lot can't let the place go.  I find it difficult to understand why he's there in the first place.  I was hoping that he was hoping to share the influence of his God with them.  But his refusal to leave flies in the face of that.  If he truly believed in the power of God and truth of the coming destruction, I would hope his faith would impel him to get out of Dodge.

The text is alarmingly specific here.  Lot "hesitated".  The angels had to take he, his wife, and his two daughters by the hand and bring them out of Sodom.  They were told to run for the hills, but Lot then negotiates to make for a small town on the plain because the hills are too far.  The angel tells him that nothing will happen until he's safe, but he wants the town.  And God gives him that. 

The text is also specific that this is happening for Lot because of the compassion of God and his love of Abraham.  I would also include the patience of God.  These two angels put up with way more than they should have from Lot.  So strong was the love and compassion of God (in the midst of His wrath - don't miss the irony here) that He endured the failures of Lot as He saved he and his family. 

We are not told, and I find it really difficult to guess at the attraction of Sodom.  What was it that was so difficult to give up, especially given the description of the place?  On the other hand, I am not so far out of my own refuse pile of sin that I can't remember how difficult it is to release.  There are many things to which people give themselves that consume them and yet are difficult to let go.  I remember mine, and still, occasionally feel it's pull back.  So, while the text may not tell us what it was specifically with Sodom, I suspect that it had to do with all those things to which a person can loose themselves.  I suspect Lot had his, even though we may not be told what it was specifically.  It was as if all the addictions off humanity were located in those two cities.  That would explain such a fractured reality on an entire community.

I see the difficulties and the casualties of my own sin in my life.  I see here the description of Lot's (and his gets worse on in the chapter).  While I'm not told the specific sin, the consequences are described, and I can readily recognize the connections with my own life.  In fact, there are still things I find it difficult to give up, and I don't know why.  Perhaps I need to spend more time here letting the lesson of Lot sink in.  There is a message from my Master to my soul here: LET IT GO!

The life I live in this world, I should be living in relationship with my Master.  Only then is life truly eternal.  Isn't it another kind of fractured reality to endure something in my life that hinders this relationship?  Does it make any more sense for me to hold on to anything, sinful sounding or not, that impedes my walk with my Master, my availability to Him, my ability to hear Him, and therefore obey Him?  In these ways, am I not like Lot?  A little too much for my comfort.

Beyond The Pain, Why This Mark?

God said further to Abraham, "Now as for you, you shall keep My covenant, you and your descendants after you throughout their generations.  This is My covenant, which you shall keep, between Me and you and your descendants after you: every male among you shall be circumcised.  And you shall be circumcised in the flesh of your foreskin, and it shall be the sign of the covenant between Me and you.  And every male among you who is eight days old shall be circumcised throughout your generations, a servant who is born in the house or who is bought with money from any foreigner, who is not of your descendants.  A servant who is born in your house or who is bought with your money shall surely be circumcised; thus shall My covenant be in your flesh for an everlasting covenant.  But an uncircumcised male who is not circumcised in the flesh of his foreskin, that person shall be cut off from his people; he has broken My covenant."  (Genesis 17:9-14 NASB)

The custom of circumcision among Jews is the most well known of the practices, but it seems it isn't necessarily the oldest.  Herodotus wrote of it in the 5th Century BC and considered an ancient custom then.  The date of this custom with Abraham would be over 1000 years prior, almost 2000 years.  If that is considered ancient by the standards of Herodotus this could pre-date the Egyptian custom.  There is a wall depiction in the tomb of a priest/physician which depicts the custom in detail, and dates from the 6th Dynasty.  That would put the custom fairly well established somewhere between 2500 and 2000 BC, right around this time.  So it could have been in common practice when Abram visited there right after entering Canaan.

As my wife would say, "So what?"  The reason I look at this custom is made up of a couple of elements.  The elements answer the questions, "why this?" and "why now?"  I don't want to argue for or against the practice, but rather grapple with the question of why use this as a sign of a covenant.  The covenant it signifies has already been bound by God through a semi-Hittite covenant ratification ritual where God bound Himself to the promise.  Here it is Abraham who is bound to the promise.  But he's bound in a way that imposes this sign on the entire household, actually only the males of the household.  How involved were they in this promise prior to this?  If nothing else it would be a sign of their dedication to Abraham.

Another part of my reason for considering this important is that the custom is not typically something commonly observable in normal interactions.  It's a sign that would be private, as if between the person and God.  And yet it is something that Abraham had to know as customary in the cultures around him.  So while it would mark to him and his household the sign of the covenant for people and the land to his people, that would not be obvious to others, even if they found out about Abraham's custom.  What I mean is that when it was established, it wasn't that unique.  It became unique as the Greeks swept through the nations around the Jews, and the practice died out everywhere else.  That was 1500 years at least after this dialogue between Abraham and God.

So, this private sign of a covenant, a sign not that uncommon in Abraham's world, signified for his entire household that he believed in covenant between God and him.  It also signified that his household was now intimately involved in the promise contained in the covenant.  So, why this, and why now?

I believe the answer lies in the intimate nature of the sign and the timing of Isaac's coming.  The intimate nature of the sign on the household of Abraham meant that it was a sign that each of them understood, but those outside the household knew little of.  It was personal and bound them tightly distinguishing them from other households, even if not from other cultures (like the Egyptians).  Everyone entering the household either through birth or money entered into this custom and were a part of the covenant promise. 

A year after this custom is initiated, Isaac is born.  So after the required healing, after the household returned to some semblance of normalcy, Sarah is with child.  The household could care for her special needs effectively, and Isaac knows nothing of an uncircumcised life.  For him, the covenant is an eternal thing beginning before him and continuing on well after.

I believe the point of application for me is in acknowledging the same desire my Master has for intimate private relationship with me.  Not that I need this sign, but perhaps my heart does.  Perhaps, as the prophet Jeremiah says, I need to circumcise my heart (Jeremiah 3:4).  The sign of my belief, a sign that is private and intimate between my Master and me, may be the best application of this passage.  Am I unwilling to take painful steps?  Am I against personal pain?  Of course!  But it shouldn't keep me from honoring my Master.  In fact withholding such an offering because of personal pain would, I believe, dishonor myself and my Master; or possibly even worse.  I could lose the very thing I seek to save by saving myself from the pain! 

Essentially, my belief is that my heart must be circumcised, set apart for my Master, focused energetically on my Master's face, and constantly seeking His pleasure rather than my own comfort.  I don't see other options.  Walking in the path of Abraham in his relationship with the same Master, I will probably do things that make little sense to those around me and will even hurt my own heart.  For my Master, there can't be any reservation.  Again, I'm not a fan of causing myself pain, I don't endure it well either.  But circumcision of heart means painfully removing those secret intimate things that no one else sees, but still keep me from my Master.  And so I hand my Master the stainless steel circular saw, lay back on the table, and get ready for the quadruple bypass of cardiocircumectomy.  It just sounds fun doesn't it?  What anesthesia?

Greetings From The Eternal Creator of All Matter: That's all I want

After these things the word of the LORD came to Abram in a vision, saying, "Do not fear, Abram, I am a shield to you; Your reward shall be very great." (Genesis 15:1 NASB)

After Abram defeats the victorious kings of the east with a small band of nomads and three brothers is when God says this.  "After these things..." refers to returning from the battle and after-battle party.  If Abram can defeat a large army of four kings why does he need a "shield"?  If he gave all the booty back and kept nothing, if his wealth was too great to support both he and Lot in the same place, then doesn't he already have a great reward?  He clearly wasn't looking for a reward, or he would have kept a portion of the spoils or the whole of it the king of Sodom offered to him.

So when God shows up again, why start His dialogue this way?  If I'm doing well, and I have just experienced a rousing success, why would God come to me and say I am your protection where you're strong.  Don't I need the encouragement where I'm weak?  Wouldn't it make more sense to discuss, as Abram dives right into, Abram's childlessness?  Why would the All-Knowing Creator of the universe dive into what is of little interest to Abram?

Abram brings up two things that argue against the promise that his "reward will be very great."  First, he's childless.  Second, a guy from his household, an employee, is set to gain all Abram's wealth when he dies.  This does not support the earlier promise of descendants like the dust.  Perhaps God does not include that in His opener, but Abram wastes no time going there.

Abram's change of topic couldn't have surprised God.  He goes there with Abram, so He must be okay with it.  So why not start there?  I believe at this point, questioning along this line is where I explore the character of my Master in greater depth.

Right off the top, I find something without having to "interpret" into the text, or theorize about what it means.  God and Abram have a very close relationship, like close friends rather than the God of the universe and a goat-herd.  I think that in the past, I have read passages like this and glossed over it so fast I missed a critical piece.  I assume that God is not that distant then like He is now (so many things wrong with that assumption).  I just put the people (including God) into that mundane bucket of "Bible people"; all who have experiences with God that don't happen any more.  It so disconnects the story from my life that making a practical connection back is nearly impossible.

God and Abram "discuss" things.  The opening of God is like a "greeting" as much as it is a promise.  It contains a promise, but it's like, "Hail, worthy friend" in format.  It's not so much a promise as it is a blessing.  It is the etiquette of visiting and hospitality in the Middle East.  And the King of the Universe, in the midst of forming stars and swirling galaxies, takes the time to visit His friend Abram, even following etiquette as He does so.  That is shocking! That flies in the face of the mundane, the ordinary, the imaginable.  Can you imagine if Mamre was also visiting, here is Abram introducing the two, "This is my good friend Yahweh, Maker of all things.  Yahweh, this is my buddy Mamre, but, of course, You already knew that..."

Of course, this is a vision, not a physical visitation (that comes some chapters later).  Still, it is a visitation, and God opens with a blessing.  It is like two people now a days greeting with a handshake.  Can you imagine, in a dream, God visits and greets you with a handshake?  How about with one of those shoulder-touch man-hug handshakes?  And this vision keeps going as Abram is awake, by the way, so this is not technically a dream.  In this account, there may not be someone visibly with Abram, but the conversation clearly indicates God was right there with Abram, visible or not.

Okay, the obvious application here is that I want that relationship!  Sure God doesn't  visit every day, but still, like this, once every 12 years or so, I want it!  It's just not acceptable to say that things are different now.  God didn't preserve this account for 4000 years for me to say that things are different, and that's just not how God works now.  Obviously He can.  Obviously He will.  Clearly it's not outside the realm of possibilities with God, and it is also well within the bounds of a relationship with Him.

I just saw a movie the other night where some guy who didn't believe in fairies is taken "Fairyland" and a forced to serve a sentence because of his "dissemination of disbelief".  People can imagine fairies, but having a sit down with God over coffee discussing the day is too fantastic.  Even the "Almighty" movies don't quite approach this level of intimacy with God.

Here's the sad part for me, I am a follower of Jesus, believing that God has raised Him from the dead, confessing Him as Lord and Master, claiming that He is both God and man.  That means that His Spirit, the Holy Spirit, has taken up residence in me.  The Spirit of the Living God resides in me.  It's not that I have "earned" this or that I finally convinced Him to visit.  He lives here.  What possible excuse do I have to NOT have this relationship?  What is wrong with me?  This should be the "normal" of my life, not the exceptional dream!

To be fair, there is a lot of talk about "quiet times" and "time alone with God" and I get that.  I've said it myself, and I believe that my time with God in prayer is vital to my relationship with Him.  But to be honest, not just fair, I have never had God visit ME, open the conversation with a normal social greeting, and He and I just dive right into a conversation.  Things have occurred to me, seemingly random, but clearly from the Spirit of my Master.  That's not the same thing.  I believe God has spoken to me, given me insight, and even spoken through me in Bible studies and sermons.  Those are not the same thing. 

Maybe my problem is that they should be, but to me, they are not the same.  My experiences in prayer, study, and speaking do not replicate the pattern I see in Genesis 15:1; they just don't.  I don't want to hear or make excuses for this.  I don't want to lower my desire, using the excuse that God doesn't work this way any more.  I have heard that since we have the Scripture He speaks through that.  I have heard that with His Spirit within us, He speaks through the promptings of the Spirit instead of like here in Genesis.  No!  I want this level of intimacy!  I want it! 

I want to know and be so close to God that no one can see me, talk to me, or even think of me without also seeing my Master, including Him in the conversation (or feel like they're interrupting), and thinking of my Master too.  I want to talk to Him like I speak with my wife, be as close or closer with Him than I am with my wife.  I can't jettison this desire because I've put my Master in a "new box" that doesn't include such things.  That's not acceptable to me.  I want the handshake-shoulder-touch-man-hug with my Master, Maker of all space, time, the earth, all matter, stars, and sub-atomic particles.  Is that too much to ask?

Let the Craziness Begin…with Prayer!

Is it the eighteenth already?  My job takes a violently different turn today.  My tax customers have finished their last return for 2010 and now need my products to survive, many by the end of the month.  It will be bedlam for the rest of the month, but in a very good way; just busy.

In the hurriedness of my day, the crush of customers and processes, I will probably miss remaining attached to my Master.  The daily press of my circumstances will become a distraction.  It’s like wandering into deep water to wrestle with snakes and, in the commotion, not being able to hear my Wrestling Coach.  What I need is a tether so He can get my attention by tugging the rope.

The danger is that I begin to work in my own strength; those are muscles I don’t need to exercise.  I need to exercise my faith in my Master.  What I have done in the past was to try to involve Him in my day rather than consider myself involved in His.  I work for Him, not my manager, nor my customers.  It seems an odd way to view it, but both my manager and my customers are really more people He is interested in.

As Chambers points out, Jesus has revealed how I am to be devoted to Him, by loving others.  The Apostle John seemed consumed by this phrase of Jesus, and legend has it that he would repeat it whenever anyone asked for another word from Jesus’ life.  Even as he was old and carried about on a mat stretcher, he would say, “love one another.”  When asked why, he reputedly said, “because that sums up the words of Jesus,” or something to that effect.  It was as if that were the greatest commandment.  That was legend, but his first letter seems to be consumed by that theme.

So, the love I show to others is a reflection of the level of devotion I have to my Master?  Sort of.  If the love I have for others drains me, then no.  At that point the love I show to others is from my own paltry stocks instead of the limitless supply from my Master.  My access to that store is gained through time with Him.  What love I show to others is a reflection of whether or not that time ever took place, and to what degree.  Time with my Master has an affect on me.  How can it not?

That forms the tether I need to wander into the deep snake-infested water, and still be connected with my Master.  I just need to make sure I don’t untie it thinking I free myself up by doing so.  So, here I go; swim trunks and swim shirt, into the writhing waters.  At least I shouldn’t be bored.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, October 18

Abandon Yet Not Abandoned

Back, sometime last year, my family and I set a date to put our house on the market.  The idea was to see if my Master wanted us to move or not.  It sold in a week or so, while other homes in our neighborhood are still for sale.  He wanted us to move.  Then it was a matter of where.

My wife’s parents wanted us to come out there so they could spend more time at their condo in Oregon while we helped out with their other property.  That didn’t seem to be my Master leading, so we held off.  My wife’s job expanded, and she was given a promotion, and so on.  I figured we were staying.  But neither of us seemed interested in finding a house locally.

Then, my in-laws, my wife’s mom specifically, revealed personal health problems.  Her step-dad was having trouble physically taking care of the property, and they have issues keeping them from selling it, at any price.  He asked for help.  That was the clincher for me, for him to ask for help.  We were moving their way.

Now, Chambers’ writes of “abandon” and not having reservations or using common sense as the guide.  And I think I’m right there with him.  In Luke 9, at the end of the chapter, 2 people ask to follow Jesus, and 1 He asks.  They all have excuses, even the 2 who ask to follow Him (weird).  In verse 62, Jesus tells one that anyone starting to plow and looking back is not fit for the kingdom.  What he asked was to go and bid farewell to his household.  For that, he was considered unfit for my Master’s kingdom.

So, I’m left with this problem.  On the surface, I demonstrate that I am abandoned to my Master in that where He leads (to my in-laws), I go, and I go willingly and joyfully.  But I struggle in my thought life, my interior self.  Every once in a while, I revert to those thoughts that were driven by my passions and desires which have ruined much of my life, probably my ministry, and nearly my marriage.  I know what happens when I do that.  I know where it leads.  Sure, I didn’t “act” on it now, but those thoughts are consuming for me, and become compulsive for me.

I also know where those thoughts come from.  I know that they come from feelings of either shame or fear.  This is the reason I start my prayers with “You love me, You have my back.”  I know that the answer to these feelings is to go to my Master and submit to His truth; how He sees me.  He sees me that way out of His choice, not because I’ve earned it or am good enough to warrant that sort of attention.  I know that these thoughts come from forgetting that, from fear of my situation being out of my control.

So, my abandon is not total, and is not without the need for bolstering, and reaffirming.  I am weak and fearful.  I want control even knowing that’s not possible.  I want to know, without having to trust, that everything will turn out well.  The truth is that “well” needs definition.  The way I define “well” may not be the way my Master defines it.  So, what I need is submission to His definition of “well” because I know that His definition includes a peace which defies understanding; serenity. 

I have trusted my Master this far, and He has been faithful.  I will trust Him with the remainder.  But it is a struggle, I feel it even as I write.  It seems to good to trust that something bad will not come and take it all away.

All, so far, has been more than I could have imagined.  When we started this process, we were considering living without jobs, possibly in my in-laws house, with little savings.  First, we gained more savings than we could ever expect, protected from tax and liquid.  Second, my wife was told she could keep her job, just transfer to a different region (less time and therefore less pay, but still…).  Third, my job held out the possibility of me working remotely (that has not been finalized, but they are trying).  Lastly, my in-laws found and are getting us into a house, so we move from an apartment here, right into a house there (again, not quite finalized yet…).  It feels too good to be true.  I am waiting for the punch line that takes it all away.

Can you see it?  I do not trust my Master to give me good things.  It is not exactly what it sounds.  I know that my Master wants the best for me, it’s just that His best is often uncomfortable for me.  I know that what is best for me is to be totally reliant upon Him.  So I trust Him to take away anything which might distract me from that devotion.  See now?  I am afraid that if I rest in this amazing provision I will loose it.  On the other hand, if I dive into my Master only to keep the provision, I will still loose it.  I must not care about it at all, and I’m not great at doing that.  I need to look at my master and continue to wait, worship, and walk before Him. 

I can worship and be grateful for these provisions, but I must not allow them to distract me from this path and my peace found only in Him.  The truth is that with or without these provisions, we still go.  Into a house or into someone else’s house, we still go.  With a job or without one, we still go.  The part of this that does not change is that we still go.  That must be where I focus, rather than on the provision.  The provision is my Master’s issue, and it will come from His resources.  I take care of going; the truck, the trailer, packing, driving, etcetera.  Of course, even there I need His provision.  I am completely dependent, and bring very little to this venture.

You love me, You have my back, and I am at Your service.

Oswald Chambers' "My Utmost For His Highest": May 30th.

Counting, Reconciling, and Measuring Devotion

In Luke 14:28, Jesus tells those around him that the cost of discipleship should be counted first.  Chambers says that the cost is that cost Jesus counted in 30 years of life, 3 years of ministry, scandal and suffering on the cross.  He then proceeds to explain that this discipleship is open only to those in whom Jesus has done everything.  That is the statement where he looses me. 

When Jesus is speaking of discipleship He leads up to His statement to count the cost with statements that unless someone hate his (list family members here) that they cannot be His disciple, and then that they must take up their cross daily and follow Him.  The problem I have is probably with the archaic wording, but still, I’m not sure how someone who loves Jesus so much that all other relationships would be as hate compared is an implication that Jesus has done everything in them.  Does he mean that Jesus finished everything in them?  I thought that happened in heaven.  Or does Chambers mean that whatever has gotten these to that point of devotion has been done by Jesus.  I think that is what he means, but then my question is, “Does that mean that first I am saved, and then, later on, after I have achieved some level of spiritual maturity, become a disciple?”

I suspect rather that Jesus uses me as a disciple with effects limited to the level of devotion He has led me into.  The reason I say this is because in the context of Jesus’ statement, He already has disciples present, and I don’t think they are at this level He describes, and are probably shocked to hear Him say it.  He says these things in response to all these people wanting to follow but because He is the next big thing, not because they have any real devotion to Him specifically.  He is the flavor of the day, at least until he mentions something about taking up a cross.  That sort of ruins the moment for them.

On the other hand, Jesus does say to count the cost of hating family and carrying crosses before volunteering for discipleship.  Regardless of what the disciples present thought of that statement, Jesus said it.  Sure the disciples had left homes, families, and so on to follow Jesus, and it was not a great money-making enterprise.  Did that qualify them?  Was that level of commitment congruent with what Jesus meant when He said hate your family compared to how much you love me?  If so, it makes this level of devotion a lot easier for me to envision.  In fact, it’s not until Jesus rises from the dead that these guys go off the map devotionally, at least in my estimation. 

Jesus wants all of me.  He wants me to be totally committed to Him.  I confess that I am not there yet.  He is leading me into deeper water with Himself, and I love it and am scared by it.  I want what I think would be great, but also have seen enough to know that what He wants is better.  When we moved out here I had to release all my fears and stress into Him, and commit the care of my family’s financial and health care into His hands before He provided a job.  We had moved anyway.  We came out here with no job and little in the way of provision for the house we had bought, the mortgage we had, and the monthly medical needs we already had.  I would think that the level of devotion we demonstrated qualifies us for this description of discipleship.  Yet, my sinful patterns were still present.  I still struggled with things that nearly wrecked my job, my marriage, and any opportunities I may have with ministry.  My quandary is how I can be devoted enough to move lock, stock, and barrel to another state, and yet fail so miserably in my obsessions and habitual sins.

So here we are again.  We pack the truck on June 25, again, lock, stock, and barrel.  We have no house, no job, and no real tangible prospects.  I am hoping for something I do not yet see at work, yet do not really know if the hope comes from my Master.  My in-laws are looking about for a house for us, but are still in the process.  There are loose ends to this move that should terrify me, but don’t.  Sure I feel some stress, but it is minor.  I am ready to go even without my hope fulfilled at work.  I am ready to go, even to live with my in-laws for a time until another living circumstance can be found.

But I know that my patterns are not yet dead.  I know that the well-worn paths I have developed over so many years, I still have to purposely avoid.  The evil senseless passions are not so deep they are powerless.  I sense the thought flit through my mind at times.  And while they are not strong, every once in a while they make a determined assault and I feel the compulsion surge up within me.  I praise my Master that He has been with me through them, close enough that I reached for Him as I should.  I was reminded that I am loved, protected, but that I am also at His service.  These things have protected my heart and mind, yet even so, not perfectly.  I have dabbled before I was able to shake my mind loose.  I have sat in a trance with the swirling desires in my mind, trying to keep them from my hands, seeking to reach out to my Master within the struggle.  So far I have experienced victory.  But I know that through this adventure the times will come when I am weak, when my hopes and fears collide, when I am challenged by family to make something happen.  What sort of disciple will I be then?

So, I am partially there as a disciple, and my Master has “done” a lot in me, yet not everything He intends (at least I hope not).  I believe that, at the level the disciples who were present when He made the statement of cost, I am a disciple, and that my Master has drawn me into that level of service.  I believe that I have been given a title of Servant to the King, and I am at His service.  I know the next few months will be a test of my devotion, and I believe that my Master has prepared me.  I will show whether I am a Knight of His Realm or a knave.  But I also know that I am loved regardless.  I know that my Master has my back, regardless of who assaults me.  I know that I am at His service before even before service to my family.  That is a lot to know, and knowledge has a level of responsibility which goes with it.  Keep reading.  Let’s see if it’s true or not.

Oswald Chambers' "My Utmost For His Highest": May 7th.

Where Is the Evidence of My Devotion?

Once again Paul confounds the boundaries of my willingness to be abandoned to Jesus.  He holds nothing back; even for those who frustrate and hurt him.  In 2 Corinthians 12:15 he speaks as a parent regarding children and says that he is willing to be completely spent for them.  These children spoke poorly of him after he worked diligently for years in their midst.  They followed false leaders after he demonstrated godly leadership.  They listened to and upheld false teachers after he had taught the words and life of Jesus and the Scriptures.  They permitted sin in their midst after he had taught them to be transformed in their lifestyles.  They quarrelled among themselves over these differences and about the false leaders and sinful members, often both sides against Paul and for some poor example of Jesus.  These he loved more.

I spent several years working with two congregations.  I was held to task for my lack of energy in my preaching, lack of visiting the wayward church members, lack of ability to keep people from leaving the church, failure to use the King James Bible exclusively, and not preaching evangelistic sermons to people professing to be saved.  I was blamed for anything anyone was dissatisfied with about the church.  It was all my fault.  Rather than answer these accusations publically as I had already done privately, my response to these was to speak publicly to each one about what I saw in them that I really loved and why I appreciated them.  All I got in response was silence or repeated accusations.  So, I left.

Did I fail to love them and spend myself completely out for them?  Did I fail them and my Master because I did not remain and continue in the face of their ill treatment of me, failure to understand me, constant gossip, back-biting, and stirring up strife?  Was I failing them in my devotion to Jesus, even if not in the ways they were complaining about?  Would I, were I more completely sold out to Jesus, have had more to spend on their behalf?  Or perhaps, I was right in my assessment that they could no longer hear God with me as a distraction, and needed to leave.  But was I right to leave the ministry completely, never to return?  The blame for my decision I have always laid at their feet.  Was that right, or was it my lack of devotion to my Master that held me out of position of under-shepherd?  Was my fear for my own personal emotional safety and that of my family what drove me to stand apart from that calling? 

I must admit that I never have come close to making up in my body what was lacking in the suffering of Christ.  I have never approached being content in every circumstance, whether lack or plenty.  I have no beatings, jailings, or life-threatening events that I can boast about (at least not in response to anything other than my own stupidity).  I have been treated poorly, thought poorly of by my peers, and humiliated growing up as have a bunch of other kids.  But never for my faith.  Is this a mark of lack of devotion to my Master?

So, througout my childhood, whether in the classroom, playground, home, or neighborhood, there are no examples of suffering for my Master.  As I passed into adulthood, through military service, college, even in the changing from the major direction favored by family to one I was confident was favored by God, even in this I can find no real suffering.  That is not to say that some of these times in my life did not contain examples of the cost of my faith, but the cost was not to a level of sacrifice on my part.  More often whatever cost I paid for my faith was more a cost related to the normal cost of growing up among fallen people.  They were the costs paid by everyone whether they followed Jesus or not.

So what does this say about my devotion to Jesus?  Am I so reluctant to be spent on behalf of church-people that I demonstrate no devotion to my Master?  Am I so devoid of sacrifice that there is no evidence that Jesus is truly my Master?  What proof do I have in my life that there is really any substance to what I claim to believe?

Perhaps the only proof I have has nothing, or little to do with me at all.  After inventorying all the vacancies in my life, I still stand before Jesus and He still calls me to walk before Him.  This inventory of failure only points out that I live and breathe by grace and not by any achievement on my part.  The elements of my life show that I have not earned any standing before my Master, and that whatever standing I do have is entirely due to His sovereign design and decision.  For I can easily point to my failures and how, in every stage of my life, I have failed to sacrifice myself for my Master.  But I can also declare to all that, in spite of all that, I am still accepted before my Master and called to walk before Him.  In a sense, I am like one of those pictures drawn by a child with little resemblence to reality, drawn with a wide brush or gaudy crayon, which is proudly displayed by a pleased father for all to see.  I wonder if there are other goofy pictures like me stuck with magnets to His fridge.  Knowing what I do about God, we are probably like wallpaper all over every side of it.

Is Perspective Everything?

I have been a believer in Jesus and have trusted Him for my status before God since I was seven.  So, how can my devotion and dedication to my Master be driven by what He has saved me from?  What is there to be saved from as a seven-year-old?  At that point I really did not have any idea of what sort of thing I needed to be saved from.  If I am to use that sense of self before and after the event of salvation I'm in trouble.  This is a difficult perspective for me.  My memory of the event isn't even all that clear, so how can I hang my hat on that pivotal moment?  Or was it that pivotal?

My relationship with my Master, Jesus, has been a varied thing over my life.  Like the other relationships I have, both family and friends, I have often taken the lazy options in regard to them.  I have not been responsible to make an effort to remain in contact.  I have not made it easy to find me, or stay connected.  Even those close to me sometimes find me emotionally detached.  So, how can I fasten onto some sort of sense of self, and awareness of change in order to show gratitude in devotion?  I don't have that sense of self nor of change sufficient for the level of devotion I believe my Master wants of me.

So, for my devotion to my Master I have had to make some concessions and adaptations.  First off, most of my mistakes, major and minor, I made after I committed my life to my Master.  So my sense of being saved from something fits more in the category of what some believers call "sanctification".  Whatever I call it, I have to accept that I am accepted in spite of my preponderance of failure.  That is hard.  I want to judge, punish, and deprecate myself because of my failures.  I hide them and deny them.  I medicate my shame over them with destructive behavior.  I do not accept myself with them in tact.

My Master, on the other hand, takes me with my failures and cleans them off of me.  He cleans out my pools of shame I have tended as emotional reservoirs to fuel my compulsions.  He loves me and has my back.  He calls to me and asks me to walk about in His presence, living, acting, speaking, thinking, and relating to others with my fractured social skills.  How can He do that?  That is where my devotion is derived.  Gratitude from this sort of  radical acceptance I can use to devote my life to my Master daily.  The first hurdle is accept His view of me.

The second concession I make for my devotion to my Master is to obey a passive imperative to change.  He has commanded and the fulfillment of that command is impossible.  I am to transform, metamorphosis into something else is my call.  I can't do that.  So, the command is passive, "be transformed."  How can I be commanded to do that?  I can't control that (which scares me).  Again, I obey a passive command.  I obey by being compliant to the change.  My concession is let my Master change me into something else; something else not of my choosing.  I am the servant, the knight who obeys the commands to go, to stay, to serve.  My Master makes adjustments in His time, in His ways, using His methods, and His purpose.

With those two concessions, my devotion to my Master is based on tenuous ground at best.  Just because I know that I am accepted does not mean I accept that I am accepted.  Just because I know I am to let my Master do the changing, choose the timing, and methods does not mean I will let Him.  What I know and what I do will often not match.  And I do not have a history from which I can derive a sense of gratitude toward atonement.

So, yes, I am devoted, but my devotion will sometimes limp along rather than run.  Yes, I am being changed, but slower than I would like, and probably slower than my Master would like.  It would be faster if I were more compliant I am sure.  And, in spite of this, my Master accepts me, loves me, and seems to enjoy being a part of my daily, moment-by-moment, mistake-filled life.  I don't pretend to understand that, but it saves me from an empty, useless, perhaps dangerous, and toxic life.  For that, I am truly grateful.

Strategic Faith?

Strategy is not my strong suit.  Sometimes, I can use tactics to my advantage, but strategy seems to elude me.  At least in online games.  In some ways it also seems true in life.  I don't really think strategically, whether in my job, or investing, or home life, and so on.  Tactically, I can address the crisis of the moment, and do so with a cool head and clear thinking.  Planning ahead, not so much.  There are a several reasons for this, for instance I seem to be constrained to an out-of-sight-out-of-mind thinking pattern.  As a coping mechanism, I try to create self-sustaining systems to address things strategically.

Things that are alive may be self-sustaining to a large degree, but daily life rarely is.  My strategy is silly.  I would say lazy except it can take a lot of work to make a seemingly self-sustaining system.  It may take more work to put such a busted system in place than it would take to simply address the problem in a personal manner.  I am still working on my grasp of and responses to reality.  Denial dies hard.

When it comes to my relationship with God, when I inventory my relationship to my Master, I often find this silly coping mechanism working in the background.  I have tried to create one of those systems I don't have to work on daily to take care of my relationship.  I have pushed the "autopilot" button in the plane rather than take the yoke myself or hand it to Jesus.  I go through my day at work, after a lovely meaningful quiet time, completely ignoring my Savior (unless a crisis arises and I switch to tactical mode).  I expect that the time in the morning simply carry me through the day without any further connection after.

One of the areas I have had to grow in my marriage is the importance of contact with my wife throughout the day.  I have had to accept that this is important to her, and reach out periodically, usually at lunch.  I discovered something.  Not only does it improve our relationship in several ways, but it affects me as well.  I am happier, I have a better sense of what I am doing at work and why (for my family not my boss), and I seem to be more apt to ensure I leave work right when my time is over rather than dawdle. 

What would happen in my day if I included a second helping of time with Jesus?  What if I placed that time strategically within my day to maximize its effects on the rest of the day?  If my contact with my wife has such an effect (not always, but more often than not), what would contact with God do to me and my day?  Again, it would not change the circumstances.  I still have co-workers, managers, and customers, all with their own set of challenges, and that would not change.  But my ability to wrap my mind around those circumstances and personal relationships would definitely be affected by such a planned contact with God.  I could pray more specifically for needs that come up in my life and theirs, I could gain revival to finish the day well.  I could get that additional push to mentally reframe my day, overcome the stress I may have gained from a crazy drive into work, and deal more effectively with silly customer issues.

There is really no end to the possible effects of such contact.  Such a change would be difficult to keep private, so others would most likely know something was up.  Such a change would eat up time I use for my break (and bathroom runs), so might cost me in tangible ways.  Such a change might have other effects I have yet to imagine, and many I couldn't imagine or even notice enough to make a connection. 

I will do it.  I will strategically place in my day another time of peace with God.  I'm not sure how or when, and since I am not necessarily good at strategy, I may need to adjust my initial choice.  I will need to make notes, enter it into my schedule and set an alarm, both to start and to quit (I have a limited time I can be away from my desk for this).  This tactical stuff I can handle.  It's the follow through and maintenance with which I will have difficulty.  I will have to reframe this activity as a way to make myself more available to God, rather than something in and of itself that would make me more holy.  That is the nature of spiritual disciplines, and that is what this must be.