Love or Nothing

If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.  If I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing.  And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing. (1 Corinthians 13:1-3 NASB)

I do a lot of stuff at my church.  Others do more, many do what I do better, but I still do a lot of stuff.   Probably, the response of my Master is like, 'Yay, but do you love others?'  He's probably not that impressed, and not because others do more and many do it better.  He's probably not impressed because One making stars doesn't look at the work of lessor beings and go, 'Impressive!'  It just doesn't happen that's all.

What my Master has done that He is most proud of is love His created people.  He showed this through Jesus paying the price for the sins of the entire world.  So, what impresses Him isn't what I can do for Him, but that I love because of Him.  When that happens, it means His human creatures are 'getting it'; they are learning the lesson of Jesus and truly following Him.  In a sense, it means all the suffering on the part of the Creator of the universe was worth it, it had an effect.

But that's not how I have measured my life before.  Before it was always by what I can do/have done for God.  I'm in this role, I've done that role, I believe that, teach this, said whatever, oh, and these people like me.  As it turns out, my Master doesn't really care about that. 

My wife took a trip to talk to her dad about Jesus and lay it out there.  His health is failing, and we're not sure how long she'd be able to still do that and have him have any understanding of it.  He was very receptive, and his wife said she had already "accepted God in her heart".  He didn't accept right there, but she knew he would be thinking about it.  As she told me about it afterwards, I thought, "God doesn't give a 'theology exam' before accepting people."  This word wasn't precisely perfect, that word was a little off, but the core idea was there.

I don't know for sure but I'm confident anyway, that my degree in Bible and ministry hasn't 'saved' anyone.  To my knowledge, no body has said, 'Wow, that guy really knows a lot about God, I want to live like he does.'  At least, no one has told me that's what it was that caused them to seek God.  Not that I've wasted 10 years of my life chasing a useless vocational degree.  I'm just saying that it's not the 'qualifier' or 'edge' in my relationship with Jesus. 

At the gates of Heaven, Jesus won't be checking 'pedigree' or certifications or other initials past my name as I enter His heaven.  The single question will be was my name written in the Lamb's Book of Life.  He won't ask me, He'll just look down his list of names.  Either I'm in there or I'm not.  I find it ironic that there will be this judgement of the works of people, but then all of it, and all those judged are thrown into the lake of fire with the devil and his minions (Revelation 20:11-15).  So it's never been what I do, but that I love, first Jesus, and because of what He's done for me, everyone else.

So, the lesson of these introductory verses is that nothing else accomplishes for me what love does.  It's the first lesson.  And I will see from tomorrow's entry that I suck at it.  Lovely.  I'm busy, but I'm wasting my time without love.  I'm active, but a hamster-on-a-wheel without love.  I'm whatever, but not before the throne of my Master, Who only wants to know that I love.  Hmmm...

Protection From Myself?

"Now therefore, my lord, as the LORD lives, and as your soul lives, since the LORD has restrained you from shedding blood, and from avenging yourself by your own hand, now then let your enemies and those who seek evil against my lord, be as Nabal." (1 Samuel 25:26 NASB)

Commentators make much of how God protected David from the sin of killing innocents in revenge for Nabal's insult.  I wonder about that though.  If it were such a huge issue, like something that might prevent or divert his ascending the throne, why does everyone else assume he's going to do it?

What I mean is, if this were such a terrible thing, and something detrimental to his future as king, then why is the assumption of the servant who tells Abigail, and the assumption of Abigail (the wise wife) that David will do exactly that?  In verse 26, Abigail does say that God has kept David from shedding innocent blood, but is that what's going on, or is it part of her negotiation for the life of her household?

I suppose what I'm getting at is the rest of the content of her plea is clearly made up of placating David's wrath: speaks well of him personally, provides a gift for his men, bows before him, and so on.  She speaks of his role before God among the people, but is that 'political' and 'prophetic' or simply an observation of recent events?

I suspect that, while God did act providentially to keep David from wiping out an entire household, I don't think that was the point here.  Perhaps Uriah would later take issue with such a view, asking why God didn't act 'providentially' in his case.  The understanding was that Nabal's actions in response to David would bring about the destruction of his household.  That Nabal didn't get that only reinforces his foolishness.

On the other hand, Nabal is in common company with the Ziphites, the people of Keilah, and others of the Judean countryside who are ready and willing to hand David over to Saul.  Yet, it seems Saul is not so quick to enter Judah to protect such people (as in the case of Keilah).  So, the loyalty seems more to do with fear of what happened at Nob than a character assessment between the two camps of Saul and David.  That being said, Nabal seems to have missed the point of that lesson if he thought Saul would protect him, again playing a fool.

It may be just me, but I think that the point of this story is that there is room for the vengeance of God.  It's not so much that David's vengeance was a moral problem, but that it was unnecessary.  David didn't raise his sword against Saul because that demonstrated to his men that no one raises there hand against the anointed of the Lord.  This Nabal is not an anointed one of the Lord; him David could kill.  This is not the same circumstance as the previous chapter.

But even when 'justified' or perhaps culturally accepted, sometimes my actions can be outside of my Master's plan.  When He intercedes for me, then He again takes center stage, and I fade to the background.  This is as it should be.  So, not everything I can do, should be done.  I think I needed this lesson last week.

I responded harshly to a co-worker last week.  Regardless of whether I had ample reason to be provoked, I allowed myself to act on my behalf, and I think I failed to leave room for my Master to act.  Sometimes I think there is a place to respond to slights and insults, but probably not to defend myself. 

I allowed the frustration I had let build concerning my work with a customer bubble to the top and pour out in my response to her.  I felt hurt and disrespected, relegated to the position of servant.  But isn't that what I am?  Am I not a servant of the King?  I felt the work I did was important, and warranted respect from my peers, and perhaps, in my culture I'm right.  But in the eyes of my King, my work is in His service, for His purpose, and for His pleasure, not my own gratification.  I was about me, not Him.  I lived instead of died, and lost an important opportunity to serve in humility rather than lash out in pride.

I don't want to give the impression that I believe my Master wishes me to be a doormat for the rest of the world.  On the other hand, the strength showed by my Master as He served was not in his ability to thwart insults, but in His ability to withstand them.  It was my Master Who used the insults of others, their persecution of Him, their lack of understanding and acceptance of Him to save all of humanity.  Now that is a reversal, and one from which I did not learn.  There was a better response, a response of humility, and one demonstrating the character of my Master rather than my damaged pride.  I missed that one.

So, the lesson I learn is to die to self, to accept the role of servant, and to permit my Master His place of center stage, where He belongs.  I can apologize, but I would rather respond initially in a way that needs no apology.  I need to stop having a 'crow lunch' and start serving others.  This, like other entries, is about submission, obedience, and acceptance of the position in which I have been placed by my Master.  Again...am I a slow learner or what?  So, die already...what the heck?  I want to live a resurrected life, not some sort of zombie version of my sinful past.  What an idiot.

Who Gives Up Their Hero?

Now David knew that Saul was plotting evil against him; so he said to Abiathar the priest, "Bring the ephod here."  Then David said, "O LORD God of Israel, Your servant has heard for certain that Saul is seeking to come to Keilah to destroy the city on my account.  Will the men of Keilah surrender me into his hand? Will Saul come down just as Your servant has heard? O LORD God of Israel, I pray, tell Your servant." And the LORD said, "He will come down."  Then David said, "Will the men of Keilah surrender me and my men into the hand of Saul?" And the LORD said, "They will surrender you."  Then David and his men, about six hundred, arose and departed from Keilah, and they went wherever they could go. When it was told Saul that David had escaped from Keilah, he gave up the pursuit. (1 Samuel 23:9-13 NASB)

 In the account of Saul's pursuit of David, one of the elements I really never understood was the willingness of the people to surrender David to Saul.  This seemed almost infuriating, how could they?  How could they not notice the weak sanity of Saul?  How could they not notice the faith and strength of David?  How could they not see such stark differences between them and choose the obvious choice?

This is a perfect example of my difficulty.  The people of Keilah in Judah are being attacked by Philistines, and it's David who comes to rescue them.  When Saul hears of it, he's elated that David is now shut up in a city where he can be found.  When David inquires of God, God makes it clear that David will be handed over to Saul by the people of Keilah.  How is that even possible?  I looked it over from the Hebrew, and there's no other way to read it.  It's sad.  It's crazy, as crazy as Saul.

So, my assumption is that people should see how bad Saul is and throw their lot in with David.  To get to this point I had to read chapter 22, where Saul tells Doeg the Edomite to kill the priests of Nob, and who then proceeds to initiate the ban on the entire city, men, women, children, infants, and livestock.  Okay, so perhaps it's the smoldering ruin of Nob that gives people the sense of which side is safest, in their best interest, best for their families and livelihood.

And then there's the other element to this story that it was God sending David to Keilah in the first place.  God sends him there knowing the people would be faithless to David.  That just seems so weird.  Why would He do that?  It just seems sometimes in Scripture that God is being just as faithless as the people, doesn't it?  It just doesn't seem fair.  Think of David's men; they didn't want to go to Keilah out of fear, and now, it seems they were right.  How faithful would that make them toward David?  How easy is for him to lead them into battle now?  Well, actually, easier.

David has 400 men when he starts at Addullum in chapter 22, leaving Keilah he now has 600.  I don't know, it doesn't say where these additional 200 came from, but I wonder if it was men of Keilah.  Probably not anywhere near 200, but I bet some were.  I bet the faithfulness and devotion of David for the people of Judah was crystal clear to many.  His willingness to go where God sent regardless of cost, how he always seems to come out on top of difficult situations, that he never wavers in his devotion to God or to the people; it probably made a deep impression. 

These are the qualities with which I struggled in ministry.  When the people were faithless toward me, would I still fight for them?  When God seemed to be leading me into danger on behalf of these faithless people, would I remain obedient to Him?  The thing that led me out of vocational ministry was finally reaching a point where I became convinced that these people couldn't see past me to my Master.  They were so focused on me they couldn't hear anything else.  It was amazing. 

On the other hand, it could have been that I was focused on me; my problems, my pain, my frustration with them.  It could have been that I was not what distracted them, it was this world, their problems, their lack of faith, and their inability to be honest.  All these things probably stemmed from fear, but I didn't stay there long enough to know what lay beneath.

So was I right to remove myself from the equation? Was it the right thing to get out of the way so God could have His voice without my interference?  I don't know.  I suspect that I needed to go, that vocational ministry wasn't my thing, at least not there.  But I don't know.  I see here that the faithfulness of others to him didn't deter David.  I see that He was obedient even when it didn't make sense, and the odds were against him.  I see that David set his heart against the enemies of God and His people, not against those seeking David's life; which is probably the hardest lesson I see here.

And so I learn that I need to stop fighting the wrong battles.  I see that I need to start seeking the real enemy (which seems surreal if you think about it).  I'm beginning to understand that the righteousness of others is not to be my motivation for serving them, or even for continuing to serve them.  It's starting to dawn on me that my Master is less interested in my safety than my usefulness in His Kingdom; against His enemies as opposed to against His faithless people. 

But not all are faithless.  As I suspect some of the 200 came from Keilah, faithful ones who understood the difference between David and Saul; so I suspect I will see my Master work in the lives of others for transformation, just as He works in mine.  Even if their faith is weak, isn't mine?  I can change, but so can they.  My faith can grow, and so can theirs.  Perhaps I will lead others, others discontent with the status quo, the usual, the norm.  But then I should be leading them in the path of faithfulness of my pursuit of my Master, shouldn't I?  Well, time to whip out the machete and get to 'trail-busting'; leaving a swath for others to follow in pursuit of my Master's work.  Perhaps I should sharpen it first?

Post-Failure Procedures

Samuel said to the people, "Do not fear. You have committed all this evil, yet do not turn aside from following the LORD, but serve the LORD with all your heart. (1 Samuel 12:20 NASB)

 I messed up the same way for so long, I seriously wondered if my Master even still knew my name.  I was struggling with the same stupid stuff over and over, and even still, now and again, it comes back to haunt me.  How much sin is too much for my Master before He rejects me?

Well, when I stumbled on this verse in 1 Samuel, my heart seized it in excitement.  Here is something I can go back to, over and over even.  The reason it excited me was because each time I failed (again), I would wonder, "What now?"  As if I'm the prodigal son who thought after messing up, he couldn't go home.  But that is pride, a lever used by my enemy to create a wedge between my Master and me.

Once Samuel had demonstrated that He and their God were on the same page (thunder and rain to prove it), they were terrified of God because they had made this mistake of asking for a king.  This verse is Samuel's response to them, and my Master's to me.  The answer to the question, "What do I do now?" after failing my Master is to serve my Master with all my heart.

Perhaps revisiting "heart" here might be a good idea.  In our culture or society, heart means the center of the emotions.  In that culture/society, it means the center of a person's determination and stamina; perhaps we'd call it "focus", but with staying power.  So, to serve my Master with all my heart means to serve Him with all my determination and stamina.  How far can I run without collapse in a heap of gasping and wheezing?  That's how far and to what extent I serve my Master; until I have nothing left.  Think "Brock Kelly and his 100-yard death crawl" in Facing the Giants.

It's nice to have an answer, also good to have some understanding of what it means in general, but what does it mean specifically?  That may be a personal thing where for each person, the answer is different.  For me, the answer is manifold: Family, Work, Church, and my Community.  These are the venues in which the answer is lived out. 

It's not enough to "love my family" but that love is lived out in service to my Master.  It's not enough to "show up to work" but that presence is to be a conduit for the grace and love of my Master into those I work with, for, and on.  It's not enough that I "attend church", I am to roll up my sleeves and serve my fellows and serve with them.  It's not enough that I am "in the community", I am to engage with my neighbors, my community leaders, and always bring the light of my Master into every conversation.

So, for me, that is what it means to serve my Master with all my heart.  What does it mean for you?  While you're working over that thought, I have to ready myself to serve my Master at my job.  Blessings upon you!

Short Circuit

He used to go annually on circuit to Bethel and Gilgal and Mizpah, and he judged Israel in all these places.  Then his return was to Ramah, for his house was there, and there he judged Israel; and he built there an altar to the LORD. (1 Samuel 7:16-17 NASB)

 Eventually, 10 of the 12 tribes of Israel split off to form their own country with their own king.  But it's possible to see this as simply the extension of constantly living apart from the other two anyway.  Samuel's circuit makes a circle within the territory of the Tribe of Ephraim.  Beth El is the farthest north he goes.  Gilgal, Mizpah, and Ramah (which is the town where Samuel's Ephraimite father is from) are all Ephraimite towns.  This central highlands region was nominally in the center of all the tribes.

This wasn't the case for every judge, but it wasn't unusual either.  Deborah judged Israel within the same region, and there were judges from Judah (Ehud) and from Issachar (Tola), so all regions were represented to a degree.  It just seems a short circuit to judge all of Israel.  Later on in chapter 8, Samuel puts his two sons in positions of judge but far south.  It's as if he realizes that he should cover more territory. 

The problem with assessing this as an error or problem is that it worked.  It looks small when looked at on a map, but the comment is that God delivered Israel from their enemies all the days of Samuel.  It may have been a small regional judging circuit, but it seemed to work.  That still needs to be balanced against a mere "pragmatic" evaluation, because just because something works doesn't make it the right thing.  But here Samuel chooses a process and God blesses it.  That does make it the right thing.  It make look small, but God makes it effective.

The lesson I draw from this is that my own wisdom fails before my Master's designs.  Just because a plan looks small, or a program appears to be inadequate, or even when my service seems inconsequential, it is not right for me to judge them as such.  If Jesus can feed 5,000 with a few loaves and fish, then why would it seem impossible or even improbable that He would do great things with what I have to offer Him?  The goal is to be obedient with what He has provided me, the talents, the silver, and the opportunities.  It's up to my Master to bring about the success.

If what I have is sufficient for success, then I get the attention.  But if what I have to offer is clearly not sufficient, and success comes anyway, then my Master gets the attention.  I may be given a small territory to travel and work, but that limitation is not something limiting my Master.  It never takes Him by surprise, it doesn't thwart His designs, and such things are actually opportunities for Him to take center stage.

So while it may seem un-American to be happy about limitations and small-ness, perhaps these are what makes my Master's work more obvious.  Perhaps it is my weakness that enables His glory to show more clearly.  After all, it will never be any sort of ability of mine that saves anyone, so drawing any attention to me only endangers those people around me needing my Master.  The role I play is servant, His role is King; everyone look to the King!

Engage!

And when they had come to him, he said to them, "You yourselves know, from the first day that I set foot in Asia, how I was with you the whole time, serving the Lord with all humility and with tears and with trials which came upon me through the plots of the Jews; how I did not shrink from declaring to you anything that was profitable, and teaching you publicly and from house to house, solemnly testifying to both Jews and Greeks of repentance toward God and faith in our Lord Jesus Christ. (Acts 20:18-21 NASB)

I don't know if you have ever met anyone like Paul, but I think I finally have.  I don't know why, but I can become emotionally detached from things that seem to emotionally overwhelm some.  I just returned from Mexico where we saw poverty that was pretty amazing, but up close and personal.  It was, in a sense, in my face.  But it didn't make me weep.  It still wasn't my poverty, it was the poverty of someone else.  I didn't speak the language, so I didn't get to know people, and hear their stories, so I never really "engaged" in the setting.  But here is where I met the person I think has much in common with Paul.

Paul relates that he served the Lord "with all humility and with tears", and that sounds so odd for Paul.  He seems so strong and bold, that tears seem at odds with his character.  Yet he claims that these elders from Ephesus saw this in him.  They saw him declare the whole good news of Jesus, do so house to house, and to both Jews and Greeks.  I have met someone who does this in a very real sense in Mexico.  She doesn't live in Mexico, instead she travels across the border constantly.  She shares the good news of Jesus in impoverished places, to people who have very little except need.

Because work is scarce, food is needed.  Because food is needed, nutrition is poor.  Because work and money are scarce, hopelessness is rampant, skepticism is common, and abuse of self and others is also common.  I saw one "Catholic" Church, and I say that only because it was the largest "church-like" building and compound in the area, so I'm assuming it was a Catholic Church.  I never saw a sign as such.  There are heard that there are other churches in the area, but not enough.  The poverty means that any support for a pastor must come from outside the community.  It's difficult to get a church to remain for long.  The one we visited and at which we worked had been there for at least three years.

The lady who was responsible for getting it started did so through a Bible study for women.  She had started close to the border, in Tecate, but heard that many were coming from a village 20 miles south, so she moved it there.  Then she heard that many women were walking from an even smaller village 3 miles beyond that, so she moved it there.  In each place she left, she left a new church which still operates.  In this place where she works now, this church has been there for three years, and is adding a third building.  So she has been working through hard times to bring the good news of the love of Jesus to people without hope.

As we left, she prayed for us.  As she prayed, she broke down in tears of thankfulness to Jesus for His work through us.  What was so evident was her love for Jesus, even more than her love for the people in Mexico.  It was her love for Jesus which drove her to share Him with those she served across the border.  Sure, she worked until she is now nearly exhausted, but what I noticed was that it was her love for her Master that drove her to do so.  She had come from that poverty in which she served, and others who have that background leave it far behind.  Her Master would not permit her to do so.

It may seem like a semantic difference, but it is an important one.  In her prayer, less was said about the people we served, than was said about the Master we served.  In this way, people who know little beyond the poverty in which they live gain a perspective of heaven.  So these living so differently from us lived with hope and joy I don't.  Focus on them would not transmit the hope and joy, only focus on the Master.  It was clear, it was amazing, it was powerful, and it showed me the error of my focus.  I couldn't see it without the contrast.

So I couldn't really engage emotionally with the setting, but I think I caught the perspective of the people.  I think I understand better the focus off of the stuff of this world, and on my Master.  I think I get that more now than I have, and I think it scares me more now than it has.  It's not a terror, but a sense of unease.  What I want is for that unease to change from hindering my change in focus and into driving me into that change in focus.  I want to be afraid not to focus on my Master.  That may sound obvious or an assumption, but I realize I am moving that way, and am not there yet.  I have met a person who is so far down the path of such focus as to be almost unrecognizable to me.  I see that I, like Paul, like her, can and should focus solely on my Master.

The Variety of Ministry

Now at this time while the disciples were increasing in number, a complaint arose on the part of the Hellenistic Jews against the native Hebrews, because their widows were being overlooked in the daily serving of food. So the twelve summoned the congregation of the disciples and said, "It is not desirable for us to neglect the word of God in order to serve tables. Therefore, brethren, select from among you seven men of good reputation, full of the Spirit and of wisdom, whom we may put in charge of this task.  But we will devote ourselves to prayer and to the ministry of the word." The statement found approval with the whole congregation; and they chose Stephen, a man full of faith and of the Holy Spirit, and Philip, Prochorus, Nicanor, Timon, Parmenas and Nicolas, a proselyte from Antioch.  And these they brought before the apostles; and after praying, they laid their hands on them. (Acts 6:1-6 NASB)

Well, yesterday and last night went well.  Wednesday was probably the most difficult, but yesterday went very well.  It ended with our small group studying Acts 5, and the conviction about how much like Ananias I am, and little like the apostles.  I couldn't make excuses, I need more faith.  That's all there is to that tune.

In the passage above, there is a word used in a variety of ways, and it's the word from which we derive the office of "deacon".  The word was used in the first century to refer to government ministers (bureaucrats) and waiters.  It means to serve in some way.  In the passage above the twelve apostles use it to refer to the ministry of dispensing food to needy widows, but also to their work with Scripture.

In this text, the apostles want to get back to the "ministry of the word" and prayer rather than "serve tables".  I don't know a pastor who wouldn't love that.  I don't know a pastor who gets to either. 

The element I like so much about this is that ministry can be seen both ways.  I don't think that is common in church as much as it should be.  Perhaps it is a mentality of taking from church rather than giving which influences this problem.  And I can't say that this problem is truly pervasive in every church everywhere.  But where it shows up, it's a problem.

If I can just help people, then I get a public pat on the back, and I feel good.  Sure it takes me out of a comfort zone, and gets me out of my own problems in a very real and important sense.  But if I serve others and neglect striving to understand my Master through Scripture, I end up serving others for wrong reasons.  It eventually becomes about me, I get burned out and discouraged, get judgmental toward others in the church not serving, and so on it goes.  I know that road, and I have seen the end of it.  And it's not happy.

So what is the alternative?  The alternative strives for a focus on Scripture, and service to others from out of that focus.  The leaders of the church devoted themselves to prayer and Scripture.  It had to be their focus in order to effectively lead the people as God directed.  So, my service to others must flow from the same focus.  I lead a small group on Thursday nights.  If I don't do so out of a focus on prayer and Scripture, then I am going to fail (regardless of my goals in leading a small group).

Both prayer and Bible study are needed.  I suffer in prayer to a focus on Scripture.  I need both.  So, on that note, please excuse me as I turn my attention from this, to my Master as I pray.

The Cross, Duty, Reality, and Jesus

I’m going to make a statement that may sound really…heretical perhaps, until it’s thought over.  The event of the Cross of Jesus does not sanctify me in and of itself.  The event of the Cross of Jesus saves me, and I have a relationship with my Master based on no other action, only His.  Yet I am sanctified as His Spirit works through that relationship to modify me; conforming me more into the image of my Master.  As that happens, I am made holy and fit for His use. 

What I have to accept is that my relationship with my Master is based on nothing other than His sacrifice on the cross on my behalf.  And that is true for all humanity.  One of the difficulties I have with this is that I find it very difficult to view my Master through a lens so differently than my human relationships.  He is not a man that He should change.  Yet I keep thinking that, once saved, I then continually have to work to retain my status before Him.  I have to work to maintain my relationship with my wife, my friends, my co-workers and company.   I don’t have to “work” to retain my relationship with my Master.

What good I do as a result of the relationship I have with my Master I do as an overflow of that relationship.  Hopefully, I can’t help but do right things.  The goodness should be a Spiritual Fruit of that relationship, not a duty.  Not that there is no duty involved in my relationship with my Master.  I am His servant, and servants have duties, and I have mine.  Obedience implies duty, even requires it.  But duty for One having done so much for me is a joy, not a burden.  Duty is an obligation I have, in this case, because I have obligated myself.  The obligation is part of the covenant I entered into with my Master.  And this covenant is heavily weighted to my benefit.

I am saved from destruction I earned through my rebellion against the Master of the universe.  He redeemed me from this destruction and offered me a covenant agreement that provides me eternal life in heaven.  What I give Him in exchange is all the stuff I tried to build on my own, the junk I once thought so precious.  The obligation I have to obey and the duty I have to perform is part of the result of the covenant.  I confess Jesus as Lord (Yahweh, Master, King) and that confession obligates me to obey.  It really is sort of silly to look on it as a tough thing though, as if I have to enslave myself, giving up my freedom and indenturing myself.

The King of all matter, Creator of the universe from proton to planet to galaxy, is already King without my acknowledgement.  My confession only acknowledges what is already true, He is King.  And it submits me to the One already in charge.  In a sense, my confession reframes my paradigm to reality rather than continuing in the paradigm of the illusion that I am in control of my environment.  On the surface, Americans recoil at the thought of “enslavement” but when the reality is discovered that we already are enslaved, it’s becomes a whole bunch easier to choose.  Enslaved to death or enslaved to life; it’s my choice.  Hmm, let me think.

The hard part is that considering myself as “in-charge” is how I used to define freedom.  It is how the world I live in defines it.  But in reality, submitting myself to my Master and obeying Him is really freedom; freedom from death, freedom to live out my purpose, freedom to walk the streets of heaven, and freedom to worship the One True God.  I have a master of some sort regardless of what I think.  The reality of this universe is that humans are enslaved.  But through the work of Jesus Christ, I can now choose my master, whether my selfishness and the enemy, or the One True Master of the universe; life or death, blessing or curse.

So, I am saved by Jesus’ sacrifice of Himself on the Cross.  And I am sanctified through His Spirit throughout the rest of my time here on earth.  It is while I am in that sanctifying process that I gladly serve my King and perform my duties He has given me.  And in all of this, I enjoy reality without illusion, seeing the universe as it is, and spending time with the One responsible for it.  Is there anything better than that?

My Utmost for His Highest, Oswald Chambers, December 8

Serving Others Is Wrong?

Philosophers think about their thoughts, reasons, and attitudes.  There’s really no mystery to it, it’s just a way of walking through life that is pretty automatic.  Everything is evaluated.  I’ve found it kind of annoys other people, and I’ve developed a sort of perverse enjoyment out of that.

This morning, Chambers is a philosopher.  He examines what lies behind what is done and even behind the motivating impulse.  In his day, he spoke to missionaries who were still being educated, preparing to enter the service in foreign lands.  If they went because there was a need in foreign lands for missionaries, and they went where they thought they were needed, then they were missing the point.


One problem with missionary presentations about other countries and the needs of the people in these countries is that it plays on the emotions of the people.  That is good if the result is awareness of what God is doing elsewhere, but bad if the result is that the people decide they need to go and fix the problem.  It’s not going to happen.  We can’t fix the “problems” in other countries, because their real need is for the Master of universe, not more water or better farming methods.  Such a need for the Master requires the Master to become involved.

When my Master moves me and calls me to do something, then that is what I should do.  And I should do it because my Master directs, not because the people need my services.  I care for them because my Master cares for them in precisely the same way He cares for me.  I pass on His care He has lavished on me.  But if care for them is what drives me, I am in real trouble.  I don’t have the resources to meet their needs.  I would be a wreck of a human being if I tried to meet the needs of others with my resources.  And their immediate needs aren’t really the most important anyway.  Their need for Jesus far outweighs any other.

So instead, I need to work with the Master of resources and let Him provide for the needs of the people.  The reason for this is that if I meet a need, then I get the attention.  But if my Master meets the need, then He gets the attention.  If I get the attention, it affects that person at that moment, but when my Master gets the attention, lives are changed for eternity. 

It sounds like the needs of people in the moment don’t matter, and compared to glorifying Jesus, they don’t.  But in the moment, they do matter; they matter to Jesus, and He can meet those needs.  I just don’t think He does so to the exclusion of His glory.  The “bigger fish to fry” for Jesus is saving humanity from hell.  What He wants to do is accomplish that through meeting people’s needs.  If someone gets one more meal but goes to hell, their need was not met.  If someone misses a meal (especially if it’s me) and someone else is destined for heaven because of it, their need was met. 

It’s a matter of perspective and motivation.  It sounds cold and callous, but it’s not.  Do I doubt that my Master has the cares of the world in His mind and in His heart?  No.  So why would focusing on Him short change this world and the needs it has?  The needs will be met and I must have faith about that.  But I can’t see myself as the need-meeter.  It’s not like I can inhibit my Master from accomplishing His work, but I can opt out of participating in it and being used by Him.  I am a servant of the King, and my responsibility is to serve Him, not others.  He serves others.  It is my Master who girds Himself with a towel and washes feet.  He may lead me to do that service, but when He does, no one will see me, they will only see Him.  Any other perspective is a lack of faith and an act of pride on my part.  It is all about the Master of the universe saving the world.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, October 26

Counting, Reconciling, and Measuring Devotion

In Luke 14:28, Jesus tells those around him that the cost of discipleship should be counted first.  Chambers says that the cost is that cost Jesus counted in 30 years of life, 3 years of ministry, scandal and suffering on the cross.  He then proceeds to explain that this discipleship is open only to those in whom Jesus has done everything.  That is the statement where he looses me. 

When Jesus is speaking of discipleship He leads up to His statement to count the cost with statements that unless someone hate his (list family members here) that they cannot be His disciple, and then that they must take up their cross daily and follow Him.  The problem I have is probably with the archaic wording, but still, I’m not sure how someone who loves Jesus so much that all other relationships would be as hate compared is an implication that Jesus has done everything in them.  Does he mean that Jesus finished everything in them?  I thought that happened in heaven.  Or does Chambers mean that whatever has gotten these to that point of devotion has been done by Jesus.  I think that is what he means, but then my question is, “Does that mean that first I am saved, and then, later on, after I have achieved some level of spiritual maturity, become a disciple?”

I suspect rather that Jesus uses me as a disciple with effects limited to the level of devotion He has led me into.  The reason I say this is because in the context of Jesus’ statement, He already has disciples present, and I don’t think they are at this level He describes, and are probably shocked to hear Him say it.  He says these things in response to all these people wanting to follow but because He is the next big thing, not because they have any real devotion to Him specifically.  He is the flavor of the day, at least until he mentions something about taking up a cross.  That sort of ruins the moment for them.

On the other hand, Jesus does say to count the cost of hating family and carrying crosses before volunteering for discipleship.  Regardless of what the disciples present thought of that statement, Jesus said it.  Sure the disciples had left homes, families, and so on to follow Jesus, and it was not a great money-making enterprise.  Did that qualify them?  Was that level of commitment congruent with what Jesus meant when He said hate your family compared to how much you love me?  If so, it makes this level of devotion a lot easier for me to envision.  In fact, it’s not until Jesus rises from the dead that these guys go off the map devotionally, at least in my estimation. 

Jesus wants all of me.  He wants me to be totally committed to Him.  I confess that I am not there yet.  He is leading me into deeper water with Himself, and I love it and am scared by it.  I want what I think would be great, but also have seen enough to know that what He wants is better.  When we moved out here I had to release all my fears and stress into Him, and commit the care of my family’s financial and health care into His hands before He provided a job.  We had moved anyway.  We came out here with no job and little in the way of provision for the house we had bought, the mortgage we had, and the monthly medical needs we already had.  I would think that the level of devotion we demonstrated qualifies us for this description of discipleship.  Yet, my sinful patterns were still present.  I still struggled with things that nearly wrecked my job, my marriage, and any opportunities I may have with ministry.  My quandary is how I can be devoted enough to move lock, stock, and barrel to another state, and yet fail so miserably in my obsessions and habitual sins.

So here we are again.  We pack the truck on June 25, again, lock, stock, and barrel.  We have no house, no job, and no real tangible prospects.  I am hoping for something I do not yet see at work, yet do not really know if the hope comes from my Master.  My in-laws are looking about for a house for us, but are still in the process.  There are loose ends to this move that should terrify me, but don’t.  Sure I feel some stress, but it is minor.  I am ready to go even without my hope fulfilled at work.  I am ready to go, even to live with my in-laws for a time until another living circumstance can be found.

But I know that my patterns are not yet dead.  I know that the well-worn paths I have developed over so many years, I still have to purposely avoid.  The evil senseless passions are not so deep they are powerless.  I sense the thought flit through my mind at times.  And while they are not strong, every once in a while they make a determined assault and I feel the compulsion surge up within me.  I praise my Master that He has been with me through them, close enough that I reached for Him as I should.  I was reminded that I am loved, protected, but that I am also at His service.  These things have protected my heart and mind, yet even so, not perfectly.  I have dabbled before I was able to shake my mind loose.  I have sat in a trance with the swirling desires in my mind, trying to keep them from my hands, seeking to reach out to my Master within the struggle.  So far I have experienced victory.  But I know that through this adventure the times will come when I am weak, when my hopes and fears collide, when I am challenged by family to make something happen.  What sort of disciple will I be then?

So, I am partially there as a disciple, and my Master has “done” a lot in me, yet not everything He intends (at least I hope not).  I believe that, at the level the disciples who were present when He made the statement of cost, I am a disciple, and that my Master has drawn me into that level of service.  I believe that I have been given a title of Servant to the King, and I am at His service.  I know the next few months will be a test of my devotion, and I believe that my Master has prepared me.  I will show whether I am a Knight of His Realm or a knave.  But I also know that I am loved regardless.  I know that my Master has my back, regardless of who assaults me.  I know that I am at His service before even before service to my family.  That is a lot to know, and knowledge has a level of responsibility which goes with it.  Keep reading.  Let’s see if it’s true or not.

Oswald Chambers' "My Utmost For His Highest": May 7th.

Ministering With a Different Focus

Today’s entry in MUFHH leads me to wonder if much of Chambers’ life he wondered why others had all this inspiration and he didn’t.  There have been so many entries with this theme: “Be after God, not the gift.”  Or perhaps in his daily routine with ministry students and church members he would continually run into this problem.  It is a problem for both sets.  It was a problem for me in ministry.  I wanted that bright light, that dramatic illumination which demonstrated God had spoken through me.

I had another problem as well, but I can’t tell if I was right or wrong.  I caught flak for it, but I may have had the right idea.  In my ministry, I referred to myself as a “bell-sheep” instead of a shepherd.  My point was that I wanted my fellow believers to follow, but not see me as the shepherd.  I wanted them to see Jesus that way.  The complaint I received from them was that they needed a shepherd not another sheep.  So, was I too soft on them?  Should I have been more severe and imposing?  I thought my preaching was pretty harsh sometimes.  In fact my wife asked me one Sunday if I even like them (the people).

I think that through much of my ministry, much of my life perhaps, I have been sad.  I suspect that, without knowing or being aware of it, I became disappointed.  Perhaps a better term might be disillusioned.  Although I also suspect that I kept my illusions, but was just unhappy they never seemed to materialize.  I know I’m not unique in that respect.  I hear about people running into that problem all the time, usually as things in their world change, and force them to change.  Some can’t change, most won’t.  Illusions are comforting things to keep around, but I don’t see Jesus burdened with any in His ministry.

The accounts I read of my Master are completely free of illusions He held.  There are times He is amazed at a lack of faith in one group or city, or the amount of faith in a Roman Centurion.  But I also think that He really wasn’t surprised as much as depressed or impressed by the expression.  He seemed to know where and when to perform a miracle, share a parable, and feed thousands.  He knew when to disperse crowds following Him, and when to call the weak and heavy-laden.  He operated without the illusions of good about people, and without the cynicism of illusions of evil about people.  To my Master people were sighted or blind, selfish or caring, humble or proud.  He worked with them where they were, knowing some were more open and some were not, yet sharing a meal with either.

Have I been so focused on results or feelings that I missed what my Master has been doing around me?  Have I been intimidated by some and only focused on the people who liked me, the safe ones?  Probably.  I used to blame others, complaining that I needed a mentor and could never find one.  I used to blame my Master saying that He had not brought me the right people; complaining about the ones He had brought.  How about going out and finding some other people?  That wouldn’t have killed me.  When I was in ministry, there were a lot of issues going on in my life.  But of all the issues, the one at the center of all the others was a fear which was a failure of faith.  I was afraid to have nothing on a Sunday.  I was afraid that God would not show up.  I was afraid of being left without being able to meet the expectations of my congregation.  I was afraid that my Master did not have my back.  I was afraid He did not really love me (I was too sinful).  I was afraid to be at His service.  I was afraid to love.

But my Master still showed me the people.  I still saw their need, their struggles, their weaknesses, and their strengths.  I still was able to perceive where they needed my Master and where He had already been at work.  I could still see those things, I was just too afraid to engage with them at those points.  I want something different.  I want a group where the first statements of my prayers become a core of the group; “You love us, You have our back, and we are at Your service.”  I want to be a part of a group focused on our Master, declaring in faith that we are loved, we are protected, and we are available.  Is this something I will find in another state?  I don’t know.  But I believe I have found something for which to hope.  Today is Sunday, and I go to a church where I have not experienced this to the degree I have wanted.  On the other hand this is the church where I attended as my Master led me into these statements, and grew my faith.  Truly all things are possible with my Master.

Oswald Chambers' "My Utmost For His Highest": May 1st.

The Tasks of My Master Along the Way

Today, I head for New York, so my next entry will be from just outside the Big Apple. I will be there for several days for work, and it is a great opportunity.  But I also wonder if there will be some other sorts of opportunities.  In the entry today from MUFHH, Chambers uses Moses’ initial response at the burning bush to illustrate being ready for that to which my Master might call me.  He points out a difference between the dramatic level of a calling, and that I should be ready for menial things as well as grand ones.

I travel today with hundreds of people I don’t know, to some place I am unfamiliar, to do something I’ve never done.  So, what if this trip is not about me?  But what if whatever my Master wants of me is something I might consider small?  Will I miss it because of its seeming insignificance?  How can I even measure significance?  I know that I am travelling with three other people from my office.  I know that we will be seated spread out through the plane.  So I can be reasonably sure I will be seated by someone I don’t know.  So, my question for my Master should be, “What would You have me do in the life of this one?”  In any conversation, I would be looking for that place my Master is already at work.

But there are other things I am concerned about as well.  Trips away from my family are lonely for me, and loneliness is one the things I medicate with bad behavior.  So, I will be in dangerous territory, dangerous for me anyway.  But here again, my Master may have a task.  This is also an opportunity to review these past blog entries, and review the path on which my Master has led me.  I have something to read, which I should enjoy reading (I wrote it after all).  But I also have something to find.  The growth I have enjoyed over the last few months has formed a path, and this gives me an opportunity to look back over the path for trends, successes and failures, areas of growth and strength, and some consistent thing my Master may be telling me which I have missed (sort of a forest-tree thing).

So, I have a prepared task, and possible opportunities along the way.  I have good reasons to look forward to this trip, and the usual things to dread.  But it is short and focused, so it is easy for which to pack, and I have no bags to check.  I should pass easily through security since I am prepared, bottle-baggie, slip-on shoes, and all.  So, even the usual problems will be minor annoyances.  But the crowds on a Monday will be the usual, the lines, the waiting, the restlessness of anticipation, and the ‘tweens (that time in between events too short to actually start or continue something, but long enough to be bored).  Oh well, 21st Century travel: It’s not through space like the old science fiction books and movies predicted.  So, off I go into the blue yonder, no longer wild, with one purpose known, but looking for opportunities.

Oswald Chambers' "My Utmost For His Highest": April 18th.

Mastering the Obvious!

My Grape Nuts are drowning out Sponge Bob in the next room, but it is still inescapable that the day has already begun.  I have a sprinkler valve to install in the back yard and then my day will move on to some other task to get the house ready to close.  But before all of that, I have to reach deep into the Spirit of God, as deep as He allows, and solidify the next point of my growth.

So far, I have been starting and sustaining my prayer time with the two statements, "You love me," and "You have my back."  It is now time to add a third.  In Hebrews, the writer (maybe Paul, maybe not) speaks of Abraham in Chapter 11 verse 8 and how he moved without knowing where he was going.  Chambers goes somewhere different that I expected with the verse.  He says that Abraham demonstrated his faith in God by separating himself from his family.  But Chambers differentiates this from holiness for some reason.  I don't think they should be.  It may not be the sanctification which God brings out in my life daily, but I believe it is part of it.  Either way, he points to the separation of Abraham from those elements of his life that would be distracting or obstructive to his relationship with his Master.  I believe that this concept and perspective on this verse gets at something that occurred to me after wrestling with holiness yesterday. 

First a comment on holiness.  I typically explain the concept of being holy as being "odd for God".  In other words, it refers to something unmistakably referring to God due to its difference from those things which do not.  Spoons look a lot alike, regardless of material they are made of.  But the particular use of a spoon can be ascertained by a few small hints, like size.  Big spoons are for serving food, smaller ones are for eating it.  Shiny spoons are for more formal occasions than plastic-ware.  So too, my life, even though it is shaped like a lot of other lives, should have some clues that indicate a purpose which originates from my Master.  Those clues constitute holiness.  Those I can handle, perfection I can't.  So I am responsible for some of those clues, and other no so much.  Some are fruit of my Master's Spirit within me, and some are made up of my own choices of what I will and will not do, where I will and will not go, and priorities for my time. 

Now the element that has been missing in those initial statements follows naturally from the effects of them.  To state to my Master that, "You love me" is to accept that He accepts me radically, not on my own merit but on His sovereign choice.  The point with that statement is to activate the effects of unfathomable grace from my Master.  The second statement, "You have my back" drives home that I can trust my Master completely.  Regardless of my life circumstances, the important elements of eternal things remains secure.  As Paul points out so clearly in Romans 8, nothing can separate me from the love of God in Christ Jesus; nothing at all.  So, from grace I move to faith, faith that liberates me from the fears which bind me to the chains of this world, and do so without purpose or benefit.  Now on to the next step, the next phrase I declare to my Master is, "and I am at Your service."  Hmm. How long it has taken to get to this point, and why so long? 

I responded to the struggle accepting the unqualified acceptance of God with shame.  I knew implicitly that I could not earn such acceptance, so I hid, like Adam in the garden, I hid with leaves as large as I could find.  But in hiding, the shame only grows.  I know I am not what I appear to be to those around me and I fear what will happen when I am discovered.  The shame fueled a sinful life focused on self, seeking to medicate the pain which is the festering ache of shame, an inescapable result of accumulating vast pools of shame in the vacancies of my life.  The statement as I seek the face of my Master, "You LOVE me" cut through high dams blocking the reservoirs and released the shame I used as fuel for my self-centered sin.  They were so extensive that this statement was necessary first.  I had to come to terms with the way my Master sees me and accept that what is true is His perspective of me. I had to accept it without the benefit of understanding or being able to explain it.  He is sovereign and He chose me, I don't know why me.

After working through the radical acceptance of my Master, I found that my sinful habits were still a problem.  They may have originated from those pools of shame, and they were also sustained by other things.  I probed again beneath the surface of my life and found fear lurking in the dark recesses of my character.  I was afraid and those fears directed various elements of my life, like relationships with others.  Now from grace I launched into a fearless addressing of my personal security.  I pursued the underlying basis of these ridiculous pretensions, and found a sense where I had learned that I am responsible for my own security.  But there was this inescapable understanding underlying such an expectation that I could NOT control my environment sufficiently to protect myself.  It was a silly expectation that I somehow be able to keep myself, and then my family, and then my friends safe.  It was not possible.  I had no control over my environment, only over my response to it from within it.  I was placed in this terrarium by my Master and it belongs to Him.  So, I came to the only reasonable conclusion that I had to trust (have faith in) the One who owned and maintained this environment I live within.  So, from grace I traveled into faith.

Now I am finding that the struggles I face are more simple behavior and attitude problems; much like everyone else I suppose, but new for me.  In the entries to this blog, I have bandied about the idea of service, pointed to the need of it, the foundation for it, the many varied ways I have messed it up in the past, and so on.  The next step for me is to practice the marks and clues to my different purpose and use through service to my Master.  I need to move from grace, through faith, into submission.  I need all these elements, I need them to flow from one to the other.  For me to reverse them will create the same repetition of problems I faced in my previous attempts.  I will serve for wrong reasons out of a grace-less, fear-ridden, sense of unobtainable obligation.  Oh, and I will need to do so with joy.

So, I will begin my times with my Master, and my reconnections throughout the day with three phrases instead of two.  "You love me, You have my back, and I am at Your service."  Well, the sprinkler refuses to fix itself, and the grass is dying.  I consider that a calling from God through the circumstance He has placed me in, and I will serve my Master today by doing the quality of work I would do for someone who paid me up front, which He has.  After that, I will continue to serve my family, my friends, my Master in whatever ways He leads me.  I will enjoy the smile of my Master, even when I fail, or even when I reveal my foibles.  I will enjoy the radical acceptance of my Master as I serve, trusting that He has my back, that He connects the dots in my work that I can't even see or haven't found yet.  So, my new, over-arching task is to master the obvious, service to my Master.

Professional Distance Versus Foot-Washing Ministry

Therapists, doctors, lawyers, accountants, and CEO's are expected to maintain a certain amount of professional distance.  In fact, their respective codes of conduct require this in their dealings with their clients.  Yet, in each of these professions, the goal is to serve their clients or patients.  This attitude crept into my idea of ministry, and it did not belong there.  I realized this at various times in my time in professional service, and fought against it with varying degrees of success.  I see that it was still there, and I know why.

When I was in ministry I was also acutely aware of my moral failures.  I knew that I had habits that were not acceptable to my Master, nor would they be acceptable to the people I served had they known about them.  Instead of practicing the spiritual discipline of confession, I chose to hide the fact that I was not perfect.  I was confident that I would not be accepted nor understood because I was expected to have no defect of character as a minister.  In short, I was afraid.  I was Adam in the garden hiding from God, David covering his sin with Bathsheba with yet another sin (no, I didn't murder anyone), Elisha hiding in a cave on a mountain, some 100 miles from where he was supposed to be proclaiming the truths of God.  I was putting on a facade that covered the fact that there were rotten boards and timbers in my frame.

This fear kept me from reaching out to those central figures in the church and forcing my way into their lives.  What I didn't know then was that they wanted me there, but having me there was a scary thing for them.  They were afraid of the same thing I was, discovery of their frailties.  What a disaster it would have been to discover that both of us were frail human beings completely dependent on the grace of God through the suffering and resurrection of our Master, Jesus!  Can you imagine the scandal?  Oh wait...

Why was it so hard to live what I preached among the very people to whom I was preaching?  Again Paul shatters my thin weak ministry models with his over-the-top example of devotion to Jesus.  Again in 2 Corinthians 12:15 he points out that as he loves the people more, they seem to love him less.  And he's OK with that!  He's fearless.  He shows his weakness rather than the areas where he shines.  He works along side them to be dependent on wages and work just like they were.  He identified with their world, their struggles, their pain, their perspective, and used that identification to lead them into the presence of Jesus.  The life he led looked like theirs, but his life was lived in the presence of God, and he led them to do the same.  The life-style may have remained the same in the various details, but acknowledgement of God's presence transformed those details into constant worship.

I was somewhat successful in working that out with those who joined after I got to the ministry position, but not at all with those who were there and voted me into the position.  Ironically, the people who were already there were the ones who acknowledged that God had indeed called me there.  They should have been the ones I was least restrained with.  Yet my fears were higher with them than with others.  My professional distance was more prominent with them than with the others.  And their distance with me was more pronounced as well.  They didn't make it easy to get into their lives.  There seemed to be this judgemental distance where I was supposed to prove myself in some way before I was going to be allowed in.  I should have just jumped in.  Let them judge, I had a higher Judge who called me to wash their feet. 

So, yes, I suffered in ministry at the hands of those I was called to serve.  Yes, it caused me to walk away from professional ministry all together, and to forsake dependence upon such a squirrely composition of humanity as I constantly found in smaller churches.  I didn't trust them from that point on, but I have to admit that I contributed to the problem with my fear-driven "professional distance".  Sure, I didn't measure up to their judgemental measurements, but that should have been no barrier to my attempts to burrow into their lives.  I carried the grace with me that they needed to experience freedom in Christ Jesus.  The problem was that I wasn't availing myself of that grace either, and I needed it just as badly.  I judged myself as harshly as they would have, or more so.

So now I sell the opportunity for one segment of these professionals who maintain distance with their clients to gain the continuing education they must have to continue in the profession.  It is sort of like selling air in a vacuum.  I work among those who do not and some who do believe as I do.  I have left the house of God for the house of commerce.  I have entered into the world of those I once served, and rely, as they do, on the work of my hands.  As I look around me, and consider my situation, I am really a large part of the way toward that situation of ministry in which Paul constantly worked.  The part that is missing is a group of people around whom I can minister, a congregation, or group of called-out ones.  Interesting thoughts come to mind now.  Perhaps I am closer to a ministry than I thought.