Abandon Yet Not Abandoned

Back, sometime last year, my family and I set a date to put our house on the market.  The idea was to see if my Master wanted us to move or not.  It sold in a week or so, while other homes in our neighborhood are still for sale.  He wanted us to move.  Then it was a matter of where.

My wife’s parents wanted us to come out there so they could spend more time at their condo in Oregon while we helped out with their other property.  That didn’t seem to be my Master leading, so we held off.  My wife’s job expanded, and she was given a promotion, and so on.  I figured we were staying.  But neither of us seemed interested in finding a house locally.

Then, my in-laws, my wife’s mom specifically, revealed personal health problems.  Her step-dad was having trouble physically taking care of the property, and they have issues keeping them from selling it, at any price.  He asked for help.  That was the clincher for me, for him to ask for help.  We were moving their way.

Now, Chambers’ writes of “abandon” and not having reservations or using common sense as the guide.  And I think I’m right there with him.  In Luke 9, at the end of the chapter, 2 people ask to follow Jesus, and 1 He asks.  They all have excuses, even the 2 who ask to follow Him (weird).  In verse 62, Jesus tells one that anyone starting to plow and looking back is not fit for the kingdom.  What he asked was to go and bid farewell to his household.  For that, he was considered unfit for my Master’s kingdom.

So, I’m left with this problem.  On the surface, I demonstrate that I am abandoned to my Master in that where He leads (to my in-laws), I go, and I go willingly and joyfully.  But I struggle in my thought life, my interior self.  Every once in a while, I revert to those thoughts that were driven by my passions and desires which have ruined much of my life, probably my ministry, and nearly my marriage.  I know what happens when I do that.  I know where it leads.  Sure, I didn’t “act” on it now, but those thoughts are consuming for me, and become compulsive for me.

I also know where those thoughts come from.  I know that they come from feelings of either shame or fear.  This is the reason I start my prayers with “You love me, You have my back.”  I know that the answer to these feelings is to go to my Master and submit to His truth; how He sees me.  He sees me that way out of His choice, not because I’ve earned it or am good enough to warrant that sort of attention.  I know that these thoughts come from forgetting that, from fear of my situation being out of my control.

So, my abandon is not total, and is not without the need for bolstering, and reaffirming.  I am weak and fearful.  I want control even knowing that’s not possible.  I want to know, without having to trust, that everything will turn out well.  The truth is that “well” needs definition.  The way I define “well” may not be the way my Master defines it.  So, what I need is submission to His definition of “well” because I know that His definition includes a peace which defies understanding; serenity. 

I have trusted my Master this far, and He has been faithful.  I will trust Him with the remainder.  But it is a struggle, I feel it even as I write.  It seems to good to trust that something bad will not come and take it all away.

All, so far, has been more than I could have imagined.  When we started this process, we were considering living without jobs, possibly in my in-laws house, with little savings.  First, we gained more savings than we could ever expect, protected from tax and liquid.  Second, my wife was told she could keep her job, just transfer to a different region (less time and therefore less pay, but still…).  Third, my job held out the possibility of me working remotely (that has not been finalized, but they are trying).  Lastly, my in-laws found and are getting us into a house, so we move from an apartment here, right into a house there (again, not quite finalized yet…).  It feels too good to be true.  I am waiting for the punch line that takes it all away.

Can you see it?  I do not trust my Master to give me good things.  It is not exactly what it sounds.  I know that my Master wants the best for me, it’s just that His best is often uncomfortable for me.  I know that what is best for me is to be totally reliant upon Him.  So I trust Him to take away anything which might distract me from that devotion.  See now?  I am afraid that if I rest in this amazing provision I will loose it.  On the other hand, if I dive into my Master only to keep the provision, I will still loose it.  I must not care about it at all, and I’m not great at doing that.  I need to look at my master and continue to wait, worship, and walk before Him. 

I can worship and be grateful for these provisions, but I must not allow them to distract me from this path and my peace found only in Him.  The truth is that with or without these provisions, we still go.  Into a house or into someone else’s house, we still go.  With a job or without one, we still go.  The part of this that does not change is that we still go.  That must be where I focus, rather than on the provision.  The provision is my Master’s issue, and it will come from His resources.  I take care of going; the truck, the trailer, packing, driving, etcetera.  Of course, even there I need His provision.  I am completely dependent, and bring very little to this venture.

You love me, You have my back, and I am at Your service.

Oswald Chambers' "My Utmost For His Highest": May 30th.

Sick and Tired Meanderings

I want to go back to sleep.  I am tired, sick, and my head hurts.  I know that I don’t really want to read Chambers entry for today.  I know that Matthew 6:25 says don’t worry, but Chambers titles this entry with the word “infidelity” and I know where he is going with this.  If I worry about the details of my life like clothes, food, and lodging, I am being unfaithful to my Master.

I don’t like that because I more often than not have little care for most of those things.  But those are examples, not an exhaustive list.  I still worry about stuff, only my list has  work, friends/co-workers, and dogs on it.  It’s a different set of common things in life, and just as petty.  I too feel the infidelity of my attitude toward my Master.  I see that my lack of faith is misplaced when I worry about these things.

But here I sit in the sweats, sinus’ throbbing, eyes barely open trying to write this blog so I can document my failure to submit in these areas.  Now I’m nauseous too with coffee and sinus drainage.  I feel I should go in to work today to enter orders from the trade-show last week.  That is where the silly worry comes in.  Why worry?  If I’m sick, I can spread this around work since I got it from my family.  Why do I feel such a need to go in and work?  The month is ending, and this would take care of the remainder of my goal for the month, and the team is behind, so it would help them as well.

Essentially, my struggle with this verse, and the entire passage, is in the area of co-dependency.  I want to care for others so I feel better.  It’s not my job, that’s the job of my Master.  I want tranquility and peace in my home, yet in relationships, that is not always possible.  My desires may not match the passage, but they stem from the same place, and they are answered in the same way.  They come from my desire for control and fears, and they are answered by submission to my Master.  Chambers calls it abandon.  That’s a great way to put it.

So, today I will allow myself to be sick.  I will permit my family the space to be in turmoil.  I will submit to my Master in these situations, and know the peace and serenity from Him.  Today’s spiritual discipline is releasing my concern for my family and my co-workers to my Master.  I will concern myself with rest, fluids, tissues, and Tylenol.  I will rest in the belief that my Master has the rest under control.

Oswald Chambers' "My Utmost For His Highest": May 23rd.

Being Content with My Life as Plunder

The entry for today uses the last part of the verse from yesterday (we skipped the middle for some reason, perhaps tomorrow).  The King James version uses the phrase, “I will give thee thy life for a prey” and the Hebrew uses a word normally used for “plunder” or “booty”; think “spoils of war” and so on.  One interesting qualifier is the phrase, “in every place you walk there”, which to me means that Baruch could walk anywhere he chose, and Yahweh would still provide him his soul for his labor on the side of Yahweh.

Have you ever seen movies, read books, or heard stories where the captor releases a captive and when the captive asks to take something with them, the captor says, “you leave alive, that is enough” or something to that effect.  It never sounds like much of a gift, but on the other hand the captive might be seen as fortunate.  The captor still retains the tough bad-boy exterior while making a concession which is “good” in some sense.  That is not my Master in this case.  The middle portion of the verse reads, “For behold I bring in evil on all flesh.”  That term, “all flesh” would ordinarily include Baruch.  So, the gift of his life, and giving that gift in any place he goes really is a nice gift.  It is far more than the rest of the nation receives.  Jerusalem is about to be wiped out like a dish, and that is not something a priest or Levite wants to be a part of.

There is a danger I fall into indicated in the thought flitting through my mind that my Master has somehow “shorted” me.  I look around me at what others might have, or what others might be doing (even for my Master), and envy sneaks up and through my mind.  I am not content with what my Master has given to me.  Sometimes I quickly ascribe my lack to my habitual sinfulness, but not always.  Envy does sometime remain.  That is the sort of thing to which Chambers is referring in his discussion of abandonment to my Master.  If I envy what He has done for others, then I am not abandoned to my Master.  If I am abandoned to my Master, then I everything I have from Him is gravy on top of what I already have been given, my life in every place I walk.

If you have the entries from January and February, you may have run across or remember my struggles with fears.  If my Master has promised me my life in every place I walk, then I have nothing to fear.  I am about to “walk” out of this state and move, lock, stock, and barrel, several states over.  The truck is reserved.  We have two months.  Still no job, no house per se, so really we walk the rope blindfolded.  But my Master is the net below, and we follow His voice.  Guided by this “spiritual sonar” we trust in the promise from my Master that He gives us our life in every place we walk.  The hard part is that we want more than just our “life”, we want a “comfortable life”, a life of relative ease, to retire before retirement, to have all we want without accumulating wealth.  It doesn’t work that way, and we know it.  The promise from my Master is our life, not our ease or comfort.

So, today, I will seek the Kingdom of my Master and His righteousness.  I will allow my Master to provide as He sees fit.  I will be content with my life since all around me people are headed for destruction.  I will be thankful, and count the blessings along the way to work (like that I have a car to drive there – public transportation take over 2 hours to take me 8 miles and puts me there 20 minutes late, is that crazy or what?).  I will love the Lord my God with all my heart and soul today.  For He has given them to me for plunder.  Arg! Avast there matey and man the cannon!

Oswald Chambers' "My Utmost For His Highest": April 28th.

Abandoned or Selfish

As I sit and look on a beautiful sunrise over Lake Benbrook, I am once again struck by Who I call Master. It's natural, I suppose, to think of the artist when confronted with the masterpiece. But does the weight of this knowledge become so enormous that I fail to live as though it's true? Chambers discussion of "abandonment" causes me to wonder if I trust my Master to care for those dear to me enough for me to leave my concern for them on the altar and be completely abandoned to His call and purposes. Or does my concern for them become an excuse I use to delay or ignore His call and purpose? This is especially difficult for me because I am so aware of my selfishness. I have a bad track record of neglect for my family to achieve my own ends, or indulge some desire of mine. So, now to claim that this choice is to become abandoned to God and is not like the others is tough for them to accept, and hard for me to claim. Honestly I don't necessarily trust myself. But where are lines? I just paused my writing to assemble bikes for my family, and fix a neighbor kid's bike. Was that wrong? Was that leaving my devotion to God for devotion to family? I think not. Devotion to my writing or even this blog is not the same as devotion to God. So, you see how easy it is for me to confuse my desires with devotion to God? This is why I don't trust myself. I hope that, within the struggle itself, I discover a pattern of abandonment to God in my attitude and behavior. I hope.

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