Is There Such a Thing as “Righteous” Complaining?

Now Chambers uses another verse from the Sermon on the Mount from Matthew 5. This time he's applying the principle to make friends with your adversary on the way to court. His application cut right through my normal dismissal of this principle. I don't have legal adversaries, so I can ignore this one. Not so.

Chambers applies this as a law of Jesus applicable in relationships. When I want to prove I am right more than I want that restored relationship, then this rule applies. That happens to me way too often. The result is that I will pay in full measure for this attitude. And how many relationships have I let be ruined because I had to be right?

Today I have an opportunity to apply this rule. The U-Haul will be unloaded today. We will probably turn it in later today or tomorrow. When we do, I have a bone to pick with U-Haul in general, not the very nice people working the office here. The truck broke twice and we were delayed twice. Each delay put us behind where we really wanted to be. So, do I fight for recompense or gently work their system for some reconciliation?

We are living in this area. So making enemies is foolish, and expensive. Any delay was eventually made up, and we arrived on time, actually a bit early. So, yes, we were delayed, spent some time on the side of the road. But we also met some great people. The eventual solution worked out as only my Master can work things. Pete came to us on the side of the road, and he had sent another guy towing a car to Albuquerque. When he found it was the fuel pump, he asked the guy already in Albuquerque to check on picking one up. The guy found the one in Albuquerque, and therefore anywhere within hundreds of miles. While the guy was on the hour-long trip back from Albuquerque, Pete pulled the old busted fuel pump, shortening the time from two hours down to one. They thought we were "lucky", but I know better.

So how much of a problem were the delays? In reality, not much. We didn't stay in the places we expected, but we made it here on time. The journey legs were different, some shorter, some longer than we planned, but my Master got us here right on time. He proved Himself to be Master of Timing.

So, I have one more detail to resolve before I can work remotely. The "black box" that makes it all connect is delayed by over a week. So, my Master of Timing is also Master of this problem. It really is not something I need to resolve. I need to resolve to submit to my Master's timing. I think I have the easy part, and He has the "heavy lifting." So, what else is new?

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, June 30

A Funny Time to Fear

Somewhat toward the end of the entry for today, Chambers makes this statement, "…it is better to enter into life maimed and lovely in God's sight than to be lovely in man's sight and lame in God's." That is his summary of Matthew 5:30. I agree. The way he unpacks this is to point out that the "hand" might be different for anyone, but present for every "saint". So, all saints have something of theirs that hinders or distracts from their relationship with their Master. It may be something different for each believer, but there is always something.

I guess the trick for me is to find that thing or things of mine, to which I am ordinarily entitled, but which hinder my relationship with my Master. The one I am struggling with today kept me awake last night. It goes like this: After all my Master has done in confirming this move; having taken care of all the details so far; I now doubt and worry about some details which did not occur to me before I left. Now I'm tired because I only got about 5 hours sleep. I have a sinus headache. And I'm scared. I feel it and I'm really not used to it. I haven't felt fear most of the way through this, but now I sense it. It's that thing in the picture that does not belong.

I know that my Master has me in sight. He loves me. He has my back. And I am at His service. I am not my own even though I deserve to be abandoned. I was bought with a price I could not begin put up myself. Why would my Master do that? He does that because He views His human creatures as worth His own unimaginable suffering. He chose to see me and my fellow human creatures this way, this view was not earned. He is in love with His creation. But this love transcends the self-inflicted failures and frailties of these creatures. He sees me among the throng and among the throng, speaks to me; leads me out of Texas and into Nevada, prepares jobs already, and prepares a house already. Out of the throng He saw me, again, not because I earned it.

So why would I fear? Perhaps it's because it's my birthday (just kidding, I just wanted to slip that in there). Perhaps now that we are on the last leg of the journey, the unknown is looming more and looking more ominous. But still, it makes no sense, not in the context of what has already happened. I believe this is one of many "hands" that need to be cut off so my relationship to my Master does not suffer. Hmm…I'm thinking an axe. Anyone have an axe I can borrow?

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, June 29 (my birthday)

Driving Tired?

I am tired. I yawn, I blink, my eyes burn, all the normal signs that I am tired. And yet I have a large truck to drive, trailer to pull, and ground to cover. Two days of truck failures have set us behind, yet after a long push yesterday, we are nearly caught up. I drink my coffee, and I set my heart to what lies ahead. I don't dread it. But I am not looking forward to it either.

So why go this early, why push this hard? I am curious. It has been two hard days of being pushed against, when all these past months we have been pushed forward. It's as if we are being delayed. There is something there where we go; something prepared for us by my Master. I want to see it. I am anxious though. Unfortunately it's not enough to wake me up. A shower and breakfast will help, along with lots of coffee.

All this is only part of the pursuit of that for which my Master has pursued me. I want to be diligent, but not foolish. Do I push too hard? Perhaps more rest will better keep the truck between the lines than using the mirrors. It is a dilemma. I want what lies ahead, but I feel like I need to wait. I'm tired of waiting too.

I will decide with my wife what is best. Perhaps the shower and food and caffeine will suffice. But what does the Spirit of my Master want? What is He directing?

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, June 28

The Adventure of Bad Circumstances

Yesterday, our U-Haul truck broke down. It just would not get down the road any longer and died 2 miles outside the next village. As remote as it was, it took the service guy over an hour to get to me. The day was about 125 degrees, the wind was fierce, and what with the truck acting up and all, I wasn't running the AC. The wind through the driver-side window was like driving through a major blow dryer on high, and I was barely able to get over 45. We had a goal of getting another 150 miles down the road that day, but it wasn't happening.

So, this morning, Chambers' entry is about not seeking to save myself, but relying on my Master. He also points out that saving my life does not mean saving my things. It does not mean saving me from difficulty or problems. I get this reminder the day after that it may not go all that easily in my life. Chambers says that I should respond to this by not trying to do the sound sensible thing, but the obedient thing; to continue on in obedience even in the face of difficulty.

Ok, so how did I respond yesterday? Well as it turns out, my wife and I found the difficulty really amusing. It is unmistakable that my Master is leading, perhaps herding, us to our destination. If it were clearer He would have used neon (considering we are moving to Nevada that may have been appropriate). The obedient thing is to continue the move. But since it is so unmistakable that my Master wants us in Nevada, it also became clear my enemy does not want us anywhere near our destination, does not want us to worship as we go, and certainly does not want us to testify to the power and glory of my Master.

One lady here where we stopped said that it's never this hot. The problem with the truck may have been just a dirty fuel filter (let's get more than 2 miles down the road before we claim that one). The guy who came to my rescue last night was really great, and that he had to come so far meant he didn't have to be that nice. Oh, and I had both windows down in the cab, so I rolled up the driver-side window, and was shocked at how much the wind cooled getting from the passenger side over to me.

Yes it was a hard day yesterday, but it was just another day. The Master who has demonstrated Himself to be Master over all the other details in this move is also Master of Time. He may want us in Nevada, but He also wants us there at a particular time. We may have been in too much of a hurry. Silly us. So we take it as His pace.

It's now nearly 6 am, and it's as cool as it's going to get today. We are getting ready to head out once more, and I am looking forward to the adventure my Master has ahead of us. Hang on, let me grab my whip and fedora! Oh and ice, don't let me forget ice.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, June 27

What Do You Mean by Grace?

As I read today's entry, I was a bit lost until I realized that Chambers was using a different definition for grace than I was. His definition has to do with the ability my Master gives to keep from sinning. He speaks of it as available in any situation through prayer.

My definition is one I've never really challenged before, but has to do with forgiveness after I've already messed up. I also rely on my Master in situations through prayer, but I haven't called His help 'grace'; I've called it help. Calling it grace puts more of the ability to respond in a situation on my Master; the proper response is itself a gift. It takes me more out of the position of getting, or taking, credit for responding well.

Perhaps, as Forrest Gump discovered, maybe it's both. Perhaps grace has a range of meaning including both ideas, and mine has been too small. Expanding my definition would mean that I turn to my Master for 'help' and my effort would be to receive His grace for that moment. I would need my definition a lot less that way, and my Master would the credit He has deserved all along.

Today I have some hard messy tasks to do before we hit the road. I will pack the bearings on the our trailer. And make sure all tires are aired up. It's insanely hot here. My patience will be in short supply because I'm tired. And I am already a bit frustrated because the dogs have made sleeping through the night at our hotel difficult. Today I will really need the moment-bt-moment grace of my Master. If, at the end of the day, I have responded well in the situations I face, my Master will get the praise He deserves. It cannot have been me at that point.

Oswald Chambers' "My Utmost For His Highest": June 26th.

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The Part Sorrow Plays?

One piece of how I have been reacting to being "carried" along to this move is suspicion that something horrible must be about to happen. It stems from a sense that I do not deserve to have things go so well for me. Things have gone very well indeed.

To suspect calamity as a result is to distrust my Master. It really is a sinful rebellion against His revealed nature in all of this. Saying my rebellion stems from my sense of unworthiness does not make it any less sinful. Saying that my Master knows I develop more character when I suffer also does not excuse my rebellious suspicion.

Sorrow, as Chambers points out, is where I learn more about myself. But sorrow only has this effect when taken in contrast; it requires some sucess and monotiny for effectiveness.

And besides all this, my Master knows my frame better than I do. He knows what I can endure. So, if He takes me gently through this move, He does so because He knows I can't endure this move with harshness. So, pride as well, drives my suspicion, and there is no grounds for it.

I will, therefore, having confessed my rebellious suspicion, enjoy the gentileness of my Master. I will rest in Him, declare His mercy, receive His grace, and encourage others sharing the peace He shares with me. So I load up the family and dogs and move out in the morning. From here on and for the next 5 days I blog from the road. Weeee! If you see an enormous U-haul dragging a green boxy car with a huge teddy bear in the driver seat, honk and wave. I promise to.smile and wave back.

Oswald Chambers' "My Utmost For His Highest": June 25th.

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Accepting That People are Evil Without Accepting the Evil?

There are some entries in MUFHH where I sense something is missing. Today's is one of those. I have difficulty making the connection to "reconciling" myself to the fact of sin, and "compromising" with sin (or is it "the fact of sin" I compromise with?). Basically, Chambers says that if I do not reconcile myself to the fact of sin (in me and others it seems) I will compromise with it. Here's what I think he means or is getting at: Sin is a basic element of human nature, so to disregard this basic element or to take a higher view of human nature will ultimately lead me to find other explanations and solutions for human nature than my Master.

I think that is what He's saying. And to be fair, I think that he's mostly right. He defines sin as a rebellious posture toward God, and with this definition, transcends "bad behavior" and includes "good behavior contrary to the will of God." That's where his explanation really works best. I agree that to disregard the essence of rebellion against my Maker in my nature leads me to solve the wrong problem or make allowances in the wrong direction. I believe this is also true in my relationships with others. If I disregard the essence of rebellion against our Maker in others, I will seek other explanations and solutions than reconciliation with my Master. There are no other solutions.

Where I do not agree is when he defines compromise as "saying it is of no use to battle against it." I'm not clear on what he means when he says that reconciling with the fact of sin leads me to say in my relationship with others, "Yes, I see what that would mean." See what which "that" would mean? Is he referring to some decision I might make with regard to a friend or acquaintance? Perhaps seeing where such a decision would lead due to the rebelliousness in my heart and theirs? Honestly I'm not that clear here, because I don't know that I compromise with myself by saying "it's of no use to fight it," and I don't remember when I have ever been so safe with someone that I trusted them to only make safe decisions.

He also says that Jesus did not trust human nature, but was not cynical or suspicious. I agree with that, but I, on the other hand, have very strong tendencies that direction. My basic assumption of people is that they will do the wrong thing. I hope they won't, but I expect nothing more. And I am cynical, to a dangerous degree; especially at work lately, and particularly with one department.

So, the application I see for me is to adopt a point of view of others and myself which accepts the essence of sin at the core of human nature, and, simultaneously, avoid the tendencies of cynicism and suspicion which can naturally arise from such a view. Well, as I see it, the only way that will happen is if I am so focused on my Master that I see myself and others through His perspective, and accept the love He has for me and for them. This should be a natural outcome of such a focus. Perhaps another natural result will be avoiding that pesky judgmental attitude I mentioned the other day. Hmm, it seems a lot of my personal problems can be solved by focus on my Master. Now if I can just figure out what that looks like on a personal, active level throughout my day. Like getting to Carnegie Hall, I get there with practice, man, practice (aka, spiritual discipline).

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, June 24

Pain, Suffering, Evil, and my Master: Not a fair fight

Ah, the problem of reconciling the reality of "Pain and Suffering" with the existence of a "Loving God" is one of the most difficult for believers. But I must reconcile these two for myself. They are both true, at the same time, and are not logically inconsistent. That is the philosophical hypothesis. The Scriptures, both Hebrew and Christian, do address this problem, but have several odd ways of concluding it. Chambers uses Isaiah 53:3 to enter into the discussion from the standpoint that Jesus is the reconciliation of these two truths.

The problem, as Chambers puts it, is sin. The only issue that would need to be resolved with this point of view is suffering of "innocents" or children. The problem as it is usually stated is that suffering children have not had a chance to "sin" and have not "earned" the consequences they suffer. Perhaps John Calvin's position of inherent sin explains part of it, but not sufficiently for unbelievers. My point of view of this specific element heads toward free-will and concentric consequences. I am not the only one who suffers for my choices. Often my choices have consequences for others, perhaps children (not me specifically, but conceptually).

Chambers solution to the problem as he states it is Jesus. Jesus is the only solution for the inherent sin within each person. But he goes on to say that a life of sin is a life apart from God. That is the part where my life has not borne out this idea. I have suffered and struggled with an addiction for much of my adult life. And yet the evidence of my Master's presence and care in, and of, my life is clear. So, yes, I lived a sinful life, but my Master refused to define me with that sin. Yes, my sin is what required my Master to suffer, to die, and to be raised again. Yet this He did willingly…something that still makes me pause and almost break down emotionally.

Evil and suffering in this world argues for our need for my Master. The evil in my life and the suffering I endure and cause is the catalyst for my need for my Master. I am carried along, submerged in this dependence. And yet I fight it, struggling for independence; an independence that would destroy me if I attained it. It's like I have been trying to drown, but my Master keeps hauling me to the shore.

In this discussion of pain, evil, suffering, darkness and woe, the question that refuses to be drowned out, continues to whisper through my soul, and echoes through the hollows of my mind is "WHY DOES MY MASTER LOVE ME SO?" I am a participant in this evil, this suffering, the darkness and woe. Why would my Master consider one such as me? There are a lot of ones such as me, and He considers them too. But that still does not answer the question. Dark ominous clouds bring thunder, and this question shatters all other noise like thunder under the dark clouds of evil and pain. It is sound that seems to crush to the ground all beneath it, and everyone is compelled to look up.

There is no "balance" when my Master enters the discussion of pain and suffering. There is no equalizing offset of good versus evil, or joy versus pain, or love versus hate. When my Master enters the discussion, good, joy, and love overwhelm all other contenders. The weight of the truth of my Master simply crushes any scale or value of measurement, and here's why.

The enormity of this universe I live in makes all my troubles, all the evil I read of or hear of, all the deadly damage that the inhabitants of this planet endure infinitesimally small by comparison. That is depressing, until the Master of all the infinite limits of this universe, the One keeping it moving and spinning and Who has been for millions of years or more, comes along side this infinitesimally small person at the point of my pain, and all the evil. Why would He do that, with all the other things He has that He can be doing and that can take His attention, why me? When I gain the perspective of my Master along side me compared to the evil and pain around me, He's so glorious, that the other stuff becomes illuminated in the most extraordinary way.

My job in part, is to carry this perspective to those who see only the darkness, pain, evil, and woe. Once I share that perspective, if someone is able to reframe with it, their world will never be the same. It doesn't make the pain, evil, and woe go away, but does enable me to face it with courage and hope. And that is saying a lot, in any language.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, June 23

Submitting to Better Judgment than Mine

In Matthew 7 Jesus tells His disciples that whatever judgment and standard they use with others will be used on them. The idea is that they will refrain from judging others so they will not be judged themselves. Well, they have trouble with this concept, and so do I. I still judge pretty harshly. I feel it when I do, and thankfully I don't do it as often as I used to. It really stings my heart when I realize what I'm doing.

Yesterday, a friend took me to lunch and we went looked for a few geocaches downtown. On the way back we were talking about my impending move, and that I would be moving with my job intact. He said that by offering me this opportunity my managers really showed that they really appreciated me. I agreed and said that it surprised me they felt that way. I told him I had almost been fired twice, and we discussed why, which is when I admitted my addictive behavior that almost cost me my job.

That surprised him. But it also illustrated why I especially have no room to judge anyone. I do, and I hate that I do. Chambers is right on when he puts the culprit in my soul's pride. Even with the clear knowledge that I have an addiction and that this addiction nearly cost me my job, family, and so on, I would still judge someone else? For what? What could they have done that compares to that? I am truly dumber than any 12 other people I know.

Most of the judging I do revolves around things like grammar, using the right word rightly (pun intended), and silly mistakes. Well, I have damaged grammar too. If enough of these entries have been read, several examples can be found in most of them. And using the right word properly is another place I skate on thin ice. I guess far too often to be critical of others on this point. And silly mistakes is a category in which I have at least bronze if not a gold medal. So where is the space to boast or judge another?

Don't even get me started on spiritual things. Can I, who have known my Master since I was seven, and then enslaved myself to an addiction for over 20 years, really have any room to criticize another's spirituality? No! And yet I do. I look at people at church and wonder at their "authenticity". I listen to preaching and evaluate their thoroughness and knowledge, presentation style and ability. Seriously? Am I some great orator? Am I some great theologian or Bible scholar? Am I so authentic at church? I know church is rarely safe to be transparent. I know I don't know the Bible as I should, nor am I that thorough in my preparation of teaching. It's not like I have read the entire Bible through (the Minor Prophets are particularly difficult to get all the way through for me, short as they are). So what room do I have to judge anyone?

I have been to seminary and enjoy working with biblical languages. Does that make me smarter or better at Bible study? It probably should, but it really makes me more responsible, or responsible for more. I should be held to a higher standard. To whom much is given, much is required, and I have been given a huge amount. I don't think I can repay it. All I am conscious of is how much I am not doing as I study the Bible. I am aware of things that either I don't have the resources to do, or am not smart enough to figure out. I find my limitations, and know that I am responsible for pushing beyond them.

But more than that, and more importantly, the true standard of any believer is the same standard: submissive devotion to our Master. So, where my abilities lie, am I still submissively devoted and focused on my Master, or do I say, "It's ok, I got this"? Do I stop at what I can do in exegeting a passage of Scripture, or do I submit my rational faculties to my Master and let Him teach me what He inspired to be written? It comes down to the same thing for those educated formally in Scripture, or those self- or home-trained in Scripture. Do I submit what abilities and knowledge I have to the Master of all Knowledge and Power?

Finally though, Paul, my frustrating ministry buddy and role model, once wrote that he does not even judge himself (1 Corinthians 4:3-4). That really annoys me. I judge myself even more than I judge others. I can't even count the number of times I look at something I do or think and say, "That was dumb!" Instead he submits himself to His final judge. I'm not even competent to sit in judgment over my own actions? It would seem not. What would it look like if I submitted myself to the judgment of my Master in all the things I do? He would know more, see more, and evaluate me with more truth than I can muster. But He also died for my sin, was raised for my eternal life, and intercedes for me. It seems safer to submit to His judgment, regardless of the painful truth He would reveal. And I would probably judge others far less, if at all. Well, ok then, here I sit waiting for my moment in court with my Master. I think I'll read the end of Romans 8 while I'm waiting.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, June 22

The Future, Myself, This Blog, and my Master

The site for MUFHH is back online.  What a relief?  Not really.  Now I am questioning the entire work of this blog.  Today, using the passage in 1 Peter 2:9 (royal priesthood and so on), Chambers says I am to forget about praying and focusing on my own change, and focus on priestly prayer for others.  So, does that nullify all that I have written over the past six months on this blog? 

This blog has ever been about God’s work in my life.  It has been about where He is changing me, and what I see I need to change.  It has never been about what others should do.  I write to hold myself accountable to a wider group, not to propagate change in others.  That sounds self-centered, but I believe that my Master is working out the change in me, and will do so in others.  It’s not my job to change others.  Perhaps these entries will influence others.

But writing for me, writing about what I am going through, and writing daily may be overly self-focused.  What about the work of intercessory prayer for others?  After all, the passage referring to believers as a royal priesthood is about going before my Master on behalf of others.  This is a lot of work and time to spend on myself.  So, is it right to spend so liberally on myself?

I really do not have a lot of feedback on any effect this is having on others.  And from the beginning I said that this is not about the effect it has on others.  From the outset this has been about being accountable with the work of my Master in my own life.  And there has been a lot of change in my own life.  I am not the same person I was at the end of 2010.  I have a long way to go, just for 12 months of sobriety.  And I have a lot to pass through to get there.  But I have come so far, and I am humbled, and confused.

Why has it taken so long?  Why, after wrestling with my addictive sin for over 20 years, am I only now finding freedom from it?  The only real difference is my posture of submission.  I have tried to submit before, but had a mental block or wall.  I am not sure what it was other than depression.  I seemed drawn to depression as a default response to most of life.

Once I have moved, I plan to jump into another 12-step program I have found where I am going.  It is one I am familiar with already, and really like.  Not every place does the program the same, and I prefer when it is done according to the program guidelines.  So I am a bit concerned about how they do it, but since I have no way of knowing, there is no sense in worrying about it.  That it is available is remarkable enough.

Perhaps that program will be enough of an outlet that this blog will no longer be necessary.  I would miss the discipline.  But I need to be open to my Master’s leading and guiding.  This discipline can be replaced by another.  But I also sense I would miss this blog on a relational level as well.  It is as if I am writing to someone, even if no one reads this.

Maybe this blog will continue, but rather than meanderings from MUFHH, I will meander from another source, and toward another goal.  Perhaps I will begin to write for others, not necessarily to others, but on their behalf, fulfilling the role of royal priest in that way.  There is certainly a lot for which to pray, the world is filled with need.  In fact, much of the hurt and pain in this world is caused by excessive degrees of the addiction I suffer.  I have some specific insight into an area of human need I know too much about.  Perhaps that will be what this blog will morph into.

In any case, and to whatever degree, the important thing is not to jump into or out of something unless I am following my Master.  It is not what I or others think of the actions I take, but whether those actions I take are guided and directed by my Master, driven by obedient devotion to Him.  Obedience is better than sacrifice, especially in ministering, and even more so in spiritual disciplines.  I cannot allow this blog to become about this blog, it must always be an expression of my Master’s will.  I believe that to date, He has been glorified, and not so much me.  This is a season of change in my life, and so this blog may change too.  But as I have followed my Master through this change, I must continue to follow Him; even regarding this blog.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, June 21

A Point of Departure

There is something wrong with the normal website I use to get My Utmost for His Highest this morning. Instead I used a book given to me by a co-worker. The grandfather of his girlfriend writes these things every day or so for the newspaper where he lives. They are short devotionals and today's was titled "The Treasures of Darkness" and sited Exodus 20:21. He starts by saying that Isaiah writes of the "treasures of darkness", but doesn't say where (Isaiah 45:3). It turns out the context is God using Cyrus to free the Israelites from captivity in Babylon, and it is to Cyrus God promises to give the "treasures of darkness".

Then the author, Clyde Nichols, then proceeds to make a good case for good things to be found in darkness. On Mount Sinai, Yahweh Himself was found in the thick dark cloud. The psalmist writes of God wrapping Himself in a thick dark cloud as a garment. As was mentioned, there are secret treasures found in darkness. I can find my Master in darkness, sometimes easier than in the light of day. Today seems dark to me. I went to a barbeque joint after church yesterday and ate too much. I still feel it. I'm still stuffed. I feel horrible. And I will be working out this morning, hoping it kills me, or at least purges the demons of gluttony from me.

But there will be other dark days ahead. Life brings them like seasons bring storms. It happens, somewhat in cycles, somewhat in cycles within cycles. Sometimes I bring darkness on myself with dumb choices. Sometimes my Master brings the darkness. But I can enter the darkness in confidence. "Though I walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I will fear no evil." If my Master is also my Shepherd, and I go through the dark deathly valley, then He has led me there. The rod and staff of my Shepherd will protect me as I follow Him. But even when I stray there on my own, He comes and finds me.

The darkness is nothing to fear, and yet that is my usual response. The darkness is nothing to worry about beforehand, and yet I sometimes discover I have been fretting over it, distracted from what I was supposed to be doing. Worry of unrealized fears is sometimes the most effective song used by my Accuser to distract me from serving my Master. This is more of an issue as the day of packing and moving rapidly approaches. As I finish out my "Week of Lasts" (it just sounds more dramatic that way), I will be often tempted to listen to the song of fearing a possible future; the dreaded game of "What if…" Playing that game is such a waste of time. The provision of my Master is so clear that to fear it will come to an end is a lack of faith (oh, and foolish too).

I rise and start my day in darkness. In darkness I write these entries. It is dark outside as I close my eyes on another day. There is nothing to fear in darkness when I remember that even in darkness the eyes of my Master see me (Psalm 139) and I cannot hide nor be hidden from Him. If my Master will deliver His own Son on my behalf, then why would He then deny something that would save me? In Romans 8 I am told that nothing can separate me from the love of God in Christ Jesus; not even darkness.

I like the way the King James Version puts the statement, "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil," as if to say, "Yea! The Valley of death! I love this place!" If I truly believe that my Master leads me, then I do love this place, because His glory and majesty shine all the brighter when the day is darker. He becomes easier to see and follow. I see Him in better detail and I know that the Fearsome One before me is truly for me. That is surely the best place to be.

So, as moving day approaches and I enter this week of lasts, may I see my Master more clearly as the darkness seems to envelope me. While others stand at a distance, I will enter the thick dark cloud where the God is.

What Will My Master Have Me Do?

The setting of the three questions Jesus asks Peter on the beach after His resurrection has drawn me lately. Chambers uses this discourse as a jumping off point into why I should serve. He says that the first question is the point, and the command Jesus gives is the right response. The point is my love for my Master. The response to this love is service.

I agree. And I agree for the reasons Chambers gives. When I serve out of devotion to what I do or to the effect of what I do, I will eventually fail. I will grow tired, frustrated, emotionally drained, bored, or even so angry I will go the polar opposite direction. But when my motivation for whatever I do is rooted in my devotion for Jesus, my love for Him and Who He is, then I will have no problem serving.

The reason this is true is really very simple. The frustrating thing about any ministry in any church is always the people being served. This is not true sometimes; it's a maxim, an underlying fundamental truth. There are those who do not believe in the "Total depravity of man," but it's true. People are totally depraved, even those in church. What this means is that when service is motivated by the effect it will have on such people, their depravity will eventually crush the servant because the effect will not be sufficient enough to motivate. When that happens, the servant is burnt out.

I can only serve depraved people by first loving my Master so much, the depraved throng is really beside the point. There is no end to my Master's love for me, and nothing can separate me from His love. He has ensured that I am connected to Him for eternity. The service is not so much about the effect it has on others as it is about the extent I will be submissively obedient to my Master regardless.

My devotion to my Master is the only real valid motivator for service. This way, I am only serving in the capacity He directs, not whatever ministry "hole" appears in the church. This way, I am serving in the way my Master wants, not the way the service has been done in the past. This way, I seek the approval of my Master, not the approval of the depraved throng.

Now, this should bother some who might read this. I hope some read this and ask themselves indignantly, "Why help people in ways they don't want to be helped?" And I think that's a great question, and one which runs through my mind as I venture out into ministry. But it is the wrong question. The answer is absurdly simple. What people want is rarely what they need. If I follow the directions of my Master, then He will use me to meet needs, not pander to the whims of a depraved mob.

I hope also that some who read this and are offended by my constant references to "church people" as a "depraved throng" and "depraved mob". I would be, if someone referred to me that way. But the truth is that I am every bit a part of that depraved throng and mob. I want church to "fit" me, or be what I want it to be, or meet some sort of unexpressed expectation, or whatever. I am not happy with church in many cases. And I am really not looking forward to looking for a new one.

I am caught in the truth that my Master has decided to work in this world through such depraved throngs and mobs to make His presence, power, and grace known to the whole world. I think it's a busted plan, but the nice thing is that I get to be included. The downside is that my inclusion means I often contribute to the problem as much as I am a part of the solution.

So, it is only my devotion and focus on my Master that will limit my contribution to the problem of working through depraved people to reach other depraved people. My devotion to my Master will minimize my effects and maximize His power and grace. What results will be totally impossible to explain apart from the work of my Master. It will not look the way the church wants, it will not meet their expectations, it will not be what they experienced before. It may quite possibly annoy the heck out them (and depraved people could always do will a bit less heck, in my opinion).

My goal as I move into this new phase of my life is to look constantly to what my Master has for me to do. I know where He wants me to do it, I know some of the things it will include, and I know the timing. I have no idea what it will actually be. It is a new adventure, and I need to enjoy the journey, but never lose sight of my Master.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost For His Highest, June 19

Not Walking On Water, But Still…

It is clear to everyone I relate my circumstances that my Master is leading me to move several states away, back out west. It is difficult for those without knowledge of my Master to reconcile the pieces, because the refuse to integrate my Master into my circumstances. My circumstances simply make no sense apart from my Master. Chambers uses the event of Peter walking on water to illustrate how Scripture teaches I am to regard my circumstances. In Matthew 14:29-30, Peter gets out and walks. He then is distracted by the wind, and begins to sink. The wind was there all along, and as a seasoned sailor, Peter had to know that. But it wasn't a distraction as he saw Jesus walking on the water, and called out to Him. The wind didn't enter into his mind as Jesus called him out of the boat, and as he stepped onto the water. It says he walked about. Then he saw the wind.

I hope that my circumstances, so ripe with the finger prints of my Savior and Master never become a distraction from Him. As I relate the story over again, I see where that can become the focus instead of my Master. But the story is incomplete. It is also clear that my Master has some reason for leading us out there. My family has something He wants us to do. I have no idea what that is right now. But I do know that part of what my Master seems very intent upon is that I keep this job I have. I would not have thought that. He could provide from anywhere. There are options where I am going where I would interact with people locally. But for some reason my Master wants me interacting over a distance with remote customers and team mates. Again, I don't know why.

It is very comforting to know that my Master has a purpose for me. In a sense, Peter's call to Jesus to ask Him to call Peter out of the boat was a test. He wanted to know it was really Jesus, Who he knew would call him out of the boat. And Jesus did call Peter out of the boat. So, now my family and I are going. We waited until my Master called. We even made plans to stay since we had not heard. It wasn't until it became clear we were not going to move without Him that He spoke.

And now we go, and go well supplied. But such a provision also implies a purpose. So really the adventure begins. Part of the provision, which my Master would not waste, is my job. So, that is also part of the purpose. My wife's job continues to develop, and so that is also part of the purpose. We will in some sense be in a community and also in a major portion of this country at the same time. It is sort of surreal to consider it from that perspective. My customers cover this country beyond even the 48 contiguous states, and include US possessions. My wife's clients now span the entire Western United States specifically, and a few the entire United States. This entire wide expanse of contact and interest comes down to a focal point in a town with a population of 20k; just big enough for a Wal-Mart, a Lowes, and a Starbucks.

So what is my Master up to? What is He doing by moving in this way, to this place? The adventure has really just begun, and focusing on the provision, to the exclusion of the Provider is really silly at this point. So, I will continue to worship my Provider as my Master, and walk before Him where He directs. Something is happening, and for that work of my Master I wait. So call continues: Wait, worship, and walk before Him. And so I will.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost For His Highest, June 18

Judging Illusory Believers As a Pastime; Yep, It’s As Dumb As It Sounds

There is a lot in Scripture about not judging each other. Yet it is a pastime that I discover all too easily in myself. In fact Paul said he does not even judge himself. Yet in his letters, he certainly corrects. There is some fork where the path of correction can become the path of judgment.

So, I'm thinking last night about one of the fears I have about moving: Finding a new church. I suspect problems and I haven't even met anyone. I know nothing of the makeup of the body, any of them, and I know little of the church in summary. So, how is it that I can have these conversations in my head, imagined disagreements and so on? I can't fool myself into believing that I'm just preparing ahead of time for "worst-case scenarios" because I know too little to even imagine the worst case. It's a waste of time.

What happens is that I get sucked into fearing what I can't control. While it is true that my Master has taken care of details I haven't even thought of yet, I fear that He may have missed one? Really? I can have faith and peace in His provision for my job, my wife's job, our house, Hannah's school, and where we will be located, but church; that's different. Seriously? Isn't that the dumbest thing ever? I worry about church, the place where the people my Master has called to Himself go regularly to seek Him together.

Well, there is more to it than that. I believe that my Enemy, The Accuser, is trying to find a weak spot in my faith, and push through to steal my peace. It is impossible for my peace to be stolen, but all too often, I give away when he asks for it. This slippery whispering one suggests something and, like a fool, I listen, even though it disagrees with all my Master is doing. I have a weakness here because I really do expect something to go wrong. All has been going so well, that something has to go wrong. When my enemy whispers, I hear and think, "Yeah, that could be what goes wrong." And it could, but how would I know since I can't know anything about the people where we're going? What's the point worrying about what I cannot know?

So, my lack of faith right there manifests itself in judging those I have not met. I put them in a category where I am "superior" in faith and practice and knowledge than any of them. Again, I don't know and can't know anything about them. So, how can I "judge" any of them? I imagine what they are like and judge that illusion. That makes sense. After all, if I'm judging an illusion, I can't really be criticized for judging a real person or fellow believer, so I'm ok, right? Um, is this getting more lame by the moment? Are you laughing at this yet? And yet this is where I go in my mind when left to myself. So, I suppose that I wasn't all that successful in the whole continual conversation with my Master thing yesterday. Not if this is where I went when I had some "down time."

So, the answer, and my application for the day, is to release my fears to my Master. I need to let them go and rest in Him. I must let the One having demonstrated His unfailing provision so far, to continue to provide a group with whom to worship. That makes good sense, and sounds fairly easy. Watch me mess this one up too. Perhaps confession makes these blog entries more fun to read. I suspect I will have lots of entertaining entries for some time to come.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost For His Highest, June 17

My Buddy, My Pal, My Master, Jesus Christ!

So, I am reading the context of the passage Chambers uses; I translate the passage, even taking the verse between the two he uses; I look at the two pieces he uses, look at his title, and think, "Ha! He got this one wrong!" Then he goes and flips it around on me, and puts the onus on me instead of on Jesus where I thought he'd put it (erroneously). In fact, he puts the onus on me much harder than I initially considered in the passage, and rightly so. Once again, I was on my way to excusing myself from my responsibility towards my Master, and Chambers cut the legs out from under that maneuver.

Well, that's all for today. He got me. Actually that can't be all. I'll be lucky to get all my thoughts out before lunch, let alone work. This is an excellent entry in MUFHH, and worth the time to click the link at the bottom. The passage he uses comes from John 15. Jesus is probably on his way from the upper room where the last Passover was celebrated with His disciples to the garden where He will be arrested. On the way, He shares the Vine Illustration of the life of a disciple. Then He gets into this portion without the vine, but still about how to conduct my life.

He basically says, "The greatest love is laying down your life for a friend. You are my friends if you obey my commands. I no longer call you servants since servants don't know what their master is about, but I have told you everything I heard from My Father, so I call you friends." The implication is that, since He calls His disciples 'friends' that they have been and are to continue obeying His commands. What He has done is connect what He goes to do on the cross with what I am to do with my life. It almost sounds as if I am saved by His work on the cross IF I obey His commands. But it doesn't quite get there, and the difference is important.

The question is not whether I am really saved by my Master or not. The question is really am I loyal to my Master or not. Do I treat my Master as my Friend, loyal and loving? Or do I treat Him as less than a friend? He says that friends of His obey His commands. This sounds like a one-sided friendship until you examine His commands. His commands revolve around loving each other. Not a bad command to follow if you get right down to it. Even "hippies" would like the sound of that. The squabble comes around the definition of love, and what loving my Master really means.

In a given day, I run into bad traffic caused by inattentive drivers distracted by trivial phone calls and stuff on the front seat (why clean up your car at a stop light? Why not wait until you get to your destination where you have a better chance of finding a trash can? I just don't get that.). I come across inane customers, grumpy co-workers, and inopportune tasks. These things come into my life, not at my bidding, but rather to my surprise. And yet I stumble upon, and often through, them every day. These are the places where I sacrifice my friendship with my Master for taste of mediocre soup. I am offered space at the banquet table of my Master, and I opt for the immediate taste of trashy responses, resentments, shame, frustration, failed illusions about people and their conformity with my wants, and confusion. That's not a bright choice.

Where I need to change is at these points of surprise. First I need to expect them. In a sense, lower my expectations, but in another sense, lay down my expectations based on illusions. Then I need to constantly respond from within a conversation with my Master. Paul says to pray constantly. Well, here's an excellent opportunity to apply that command. By responding to my circumstances in life (see the above paragraph) from within that ongoing conversation with my Master, I will respond in ways friendly to my Master. I will be obedient to His command to love others. This will demonstrate my love for Him, which is to supersede all other affection.

These circumstances are not supposed to distract me from my conversation with my Master. They are supposed to become part of that conversation. It's when I stop listening and talking that I plow into a wall emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and then relationally. It's not pretty, but is more common than I like to admit. I know the right thing to do, keep listening and talking, but I often want to "take it from here." Bad idea, that. It is just plain silly to the point of comedy to ask my Master to follow me. It's the point in the story where the reader smiles or laughs and says, "What was he thinking?" I have no answer, at least none that I like.

This is not "theology" in the traditional sense, but theology in the more practical sense. It is a word from the category of "anthropology" in systematic theology, God's human creatures. It also bleeds over into "soteriology" in the sense it touches on the experience of salvation. But those words are really lost and seem out of place when I face traffic and other grumpy people. I don't think in those terms, I think in terms of emotions and selfishness. And the answer to the problem is not to think in those terms, rather to simply keep listening and talking to my Master.

So, while the drivers around me have silly useless conversations with others over phones while driving stupid, I will be having a conversation with my Master, and drive with defensive compassion. While my customers will call with selfish emotions running wild, I will include them in my conversation with my Master, and respond with loving compassion. While my co-workers complain about work, I will converse with my Master and reply out of thankfulness for His provision. At least that's what I intend to do. We'll see.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost For His Highest, June 16

Finding my Master in the Midst of Isolation

I am looking forward to being in our new home, and doing my job from home. And while am honored and humbled to be allowed to venture into this new territory for my team, I am also concerned on a few points. The primary one is close to what Chambers focuses on in this entry. In 2 Peter 1, Chambers revisits the challenge to remain faithfully focused on my Master in the "drudgery" of common, everyday life. I know already that is one of my weak points.

One of the problems I will face in this new position is my isolation from the rest of my team. Right now, I can swivel in my chair and talk to any of several people about mundane things of life, work, or the world at large or in miniature. Those days are rapidly coming to a close. I do not do well in isolation. I am in a real sense exchanging a cubicle-environment for a room by myself. In some sense it will be like an office. I expect I will have a window. I will be in my home, so I have additional activities, but I will still be in an inbound call queue, which limits my distance from the phone. I can't roam around the house with a wireless headset (Or can I? Perhaps I can ask for one).

Even so, I will have very limited communication with my team. And honestly, the questions and interactions (including eavesdropping) with my team formed much of the catalyst to my learning in this job. Now I am credited with knowing a lot about it, and I do. But the reason I know what I know is not because the customer asked as often as it is because someone on my team asked. So, now what will form the catalyst of my learning? Routine in many ways is a very effective management tool for me. On the other hand, boredom is my typical response to things I do not want to do, which are often grounded in shame for not doing them well. So, from elements of my job I do not do well I derive a feeling of shame (wrongly, but I still do). To this shame I respond with boredom (actually a strong aversion). It is my response to this boredom (and actually the shame) that has been my undoing in the past. This is where the addictive behaviors carried out at work have been so common.

Now, at this point two things are different in my life. First of all, I have been consistently on anti-depressants which have helped normalize my brain chemistry. In that improved state, I have been able to make myself more available to my Master. That is different. In the past, I have been plagued by depression without even recognizing it until it reached a critical point. In the midst of this depression I tried to function within my faith, but found I was not capable of operating with that handicap. Part of my submission to my Master has been to accept that I need something to help counter my brain physiology. In other words, I need help, and am dependent upon something.

Being dependent upon something is a personal weakness which Paul might refer to as a "messenger of Satan", a "thorn in the flesh" perhaps. I would say that it is my "cross to bear" but I really dislike applying that to something so petty. In a sense, though, it is my cross to bear. This dependence upon an anti-depressant is a point of submission to my Master. It is not that expensive in either time or money, so it's not much of a sacrifice of anything but pride. So, it could only be called a "cross" in the submission sense.

So, perhaps this time around, at this point in my life, I am more ready for mundane routine isolation than I have ever been before. Perhaps now, as Chambers points out, I am ready to experience the "omnipotent power of the grace of God" found in the "tiniest detail of which I obey." Perhaps now I will find that "the whole superb grace of God is mine through the Atonement" from my simple obedience in the midst of daily isolated routine in my home office. Not where I expected to find my Master's grace, but when has my Master ever been where I expected to find Him?

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost For His Highest, June 15.

Doing My Part So My Master Can Do His?

Since Chambers' revisits this idea, so will I. I find that I am still uncomfortable determining what is my responsibility and what is my Masters'. Having been in 12-Steps for so long, it was ingrained in me that I am powerless. I think I used that as an excuse. I am powerless over my addictions and compulsive behaviors, but to what extent am I still responsible? I want to avoid two things when I figure out where this line is drawn. First, I want to avoid taking credit for what my Master has done. Second, I want to take responsibility for where that is appropriate.

I am still plagued by my addiction, but it has far less power and energy than it used to have. I started the behaviors which became the compulsion in the first place, and continued them into an addictive cycle. I did that, and that is my responsibility. I was overwhelmed by this compulsion, and no longer had the ability to find my own way out, I needed help. I found help in my Master, but two things had to happen. First I had to address some issues within myself, the most powerful of which was submission. That had to happen on a lot of levels, and it took years. Second, I had to rely on others, and listen to them. This help came from some in my recovery group who really did keep me accountable, two in particular (one guy was blessedly annoying about it).

The path to submission was paved with lots of failure, failure on my part. One of the areas I had to submit was the one where I had to admit I have a physiological problem with depression. I thought once I could take some medicine and, once out of the hole, stop. I can't. My normal, default response to life is depression. Perhaps it wasn't always this way, but looking back over my adult life, I believe it has been. And I believe that, for me, it has been a physiological problem, not merely a psychological one. Addressing that issue enabled a lot of the other work in recovery to finally take hold. The submission to my Master finally began to gain strength, and the effect of my brothers and sisters in recovery began to increase.

So, my responsibility is to keep current with my resentments, my mistakes, and my slips. My responsibility is to maintain my submission to my Master. I believe this is a large part of the "remain" idea which Jesus commands in John 15. Remain in Him and He in me, for apart from Him I die. Remaining for me is submitting to Him, and agreeing with Him about who I am and what my weaknesses are. There is much I still need to learn, and much I still need to submit to Him. I have areas of my life of which I'm not even aware yet. I keep stumbling over them like furniture in a dark room (I think He keeps moving them, hoping I'll finally notice them by tripping often enough).

Today, my task is to relax into the care and provision of my Master. That sounds easy, but means I have to give up having details clear before I move. It means that I will have to be willing to be led bind into my near future. Well, as long as my Master guides me around that stupid furniture I keep tripping over, I guess I will let Him lead me blind. (CRASH!) Dang it! I'm alright, I'm alright! He led me right into that table, I'm sure of it! I guess I can do without that one too.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, June 14

My Response to the Creativity of my Master

The various ways Chambers looks at abandon to my Master is really amazing. I like the one today. In Mark 1:17, Jesus is calling the first of His disciples, and He simply says, "Follow Me and I will make you fishers of people." Chambers point is that, when that call is made, do not then use temperament as an excuse to not follow, or my natural affinities as defining what I will follow Him to do. The point Chambers makes is that the creativity of the Master cannot be matched by His creatures, so don't try. I shouldn't try with myself, and I shouldn't try with others either. But he says there will be opportunities to be the catalyst of my Master's call to others as well.

Well, the creativity of my Master in His work with me has been evident, especially lately. His provision has taken forms I didn't expect, His direction has taken forms I didn't expect. The timing was funny too. But even as I look back on my ministry, I see strange opportunities. I still find it weird that I got along better with fringe people in church, and un-churched lost people than I did with those in the church. I grew up in church, and attended a conservative Southern Baptist church all my life. And my views are fairly conservative, so why would I be so drawn, and see such acceptance from those who were so different than me? Even as I attended churches after my ministry, I still found myself more attracted to, and attractive to, newly churched and unbelievers. I know that part of the reason lies with the lines in which my experiences and learning has taken me. But that only describes a small portion of the reason. Lots of ministers were exploratory in their learning, and lots have grappled with struggles of one kind or another, including addictions, including the one I struggle against.

So, the hand of my Master has been evident, as well as His creativity. The unique way I see Him working now is actually very consistent with what I have seen in the past. I believe one very different aspect now is my openness to it and to Him. As part of that openness to Him I see a lot of areas of growth; as a father, as a husband, and as a person. I see that my inconsistencies are often the mark of growing pains or paths. I see that changes that occur in my attitude have a lot to do with things my Master is doing that particular day, and sometimes a bad attitude stems from not particularly liking what He is doing, a mark of rebellion. At other times I see inexplicable good attitudes that seem detached from circumstances.

I wish that evidence of my Master's creativity with me was also evidence that I am a mature believer and follower of my Master. But there are so many big areas of growth. My daughter is at an age where I have this one last chance to be the influence I should have been all along. I feel as if I am running out of time. I also see the big changes my Master has made in me, and reviewing this blog occasionally is helpful for a perspective. I do appreciate the things I see that my Master has been doing and continues to do in me, but I also want to keep current with things to be done. I don't want to miss what He is working on in me because I am happy with where I am. My contentment must be rooted in my Master, not my current circumstances. I already know those are about to change. I have a lot to do in two weeks. But I have an amazing Master to follow doing them.

My Utmost For His Highest, June 13, Oswald Chambers

Worship Surprisingly Devestating

Worshp devestates in the most exciting, joyous manner, providing my Master Creator fresh material to make me more closely in His image; and yet He ever leaves me a clay jar to contain His image.

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Yes…And No

The entries of Oswald Chambers in MUFHH are helpful in sparking my thinking, every time I read them.  But there are ones, like today's, which "spark" me to say, "huh?"  I don't see the connection between his point and the Scripture at hand.  I see his point, and sure, it's true.  But the passage chosen could not have been the one he preached this from.  It makes no sense if he did.  The two disciples who are two of three "characters" in the story of John 1:38-39 stay with Jesus until the very end.  So, why make a point about only staying with Jesus for a day?

So I'm left with a passage that speaks to me of being willing to discover my Master and learn about Him at His pace. And the point Chambers makes about staying with my Master always, not just sometimes. I agree that I should stay with my Master always. I also agree that I should simply follow Him and let Him determine the speed with which He reveals Himself to me. I think that I have been doing both, and I don't say that from a prideful stance. I am not perfect in my devotion to my Master. Any number of entries reveals that. But I have grown tremendously in my devotion. That is also revealed in these entries.

My point is that I believe that I am "dwelling" with my Master daily. I believe His name for me is fairly solid, in fact more solid now than it has been at almost any other time in my past. Yet today, my emotions are in turmoil. I am frustrated with my dogs. I am frustrated that I didn't remember to get coffee yesterday (for some of you, you will be fairly shocked at that). I am still harboring resentment, but I'm not sure why, toward whom (I suspect the dumb dog), or why I can't give it up. I prayed earlier to let it go, but I still feel its presence. What needs to happen is that I need to release it to receive my Master's peace. I am probably still frustrated with the support people at work. They are not being very helpful, and I have no one else to rely on. Ok, that is probably more on the mark than the dog, maybe.

So, yes I do abide with my Master more now than in the past, yet I still run into these resentments. I still sense the problem of my pride occasionally. And I see it more now, since I am fairly pleased with my progress lately. Yet, isn't it really progress in being available, rather than progress in accomplishing the provision I see? What pride is there to be derived in being more submissive and dependent? Silly man that I am, will I derive pride from the provision of my needs by another? Why would I do that? It's like taking credit for the work of the Master of the Universe; actually I should ditch the "like". It is taking credit. What provision do I see that I had anything to do with? Not my job, not my wife's job, not the house, not the quick sale of our house here, not the financial situation resulting from the house sale here. None of it had anything to do with me. So, what's the deal?

The deal is that things are going well for me, and so my happiness runs high right now. But so does my focus on those things going so well. I am focusing on the blessing, not the One blessing me. I am experiencing the blessing of my Master in most dramatic ways, and it feels good. But I must bear in mind that it has little to do with me. I haven't earned it, regardless of how much progress I have seen in my spiritual walk lately. That progress should enable me to focus more on my Master through the blessings, not be distracted by them.

Even the progress isn't mine to claim, but rather mine to experience and witness. Again, the work of my Master is responsible for the progress. My efforts could not effect change in my behavior over the last 20 years. So, what's the deal about now? It can't be me. I see some things I have done for my emotional and physical health, but even the results there have required submission to my Master. They have not succeeded because of me. I did some simple things, but the results of those things are only explicable in terms of my Master.

So, what I am left with is that I do dwell more with my Master, but I still have a lot of dwelling left to do. I still wander far from that dwelling, and still wander into problems. I have pride issues that I need to submit to my Master. That is how the successes lately have come about, and that is how any victory over pride will come about. Confession of the ridiculousness of my pride is helpful, and anyone reading this, holding me accountable to it also helps.

Today is Sunday, so worship will help. I will obediently worship while I wait for those who work on my behalf, knowing that my Master is the One directing the details anyway. I will worship in faith and trust, and sing and pray in faith and trust. I will do these things to make myself more available to my Master. And I will be a better husband and parent. I hope.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost For His Highest, June 12

Where Am I Going Today?

So, I know that I'm packing up and moving 4 states away, but where am I going today?  That move is later and is large enough to take up all my available view.  But today, I have to go somewhere as well.  I have to go somewhere emotionally, spiritually, and physically.  I have to.  I will go somewhere, but where do I intend to go?

As I got up this morning I started by speaking with my Master, and discovered something.  I have been neglecting to search out those pieces of my self made up of "shortcomings" and "character defects".  The entries in this blog lately have put me in the light of being some sort of "good person" or something.  It didn't even feel right doing it, but I couldn't figure out why.  I think I know now.

I have been struggling with my pre-teen daughter.  The struggle has centered around her attitude and disrespect toward my wife and I.  OK, stop laughing, I'm serious.  Obvious you say?  Well, not to me.  I have one kid and no practice kids, she's it.  What my Master led me to today is that I am not responding to her as He responds to me. 

In one sense I am being that servant in Matthew 18 who would not forgive a small debt after being forgiven an enormous one.  In another sense I not creating a safe place for her to learn, nor being the teacher/coach she needs to learn from.  She doesn't want to hurt us, but she is hurt, so she strikes out at us.  I am offended and respond in my best, "HOW DARE SHE..." parental drama-king over reaction.  She "dares" because that sort of thing works, and because it is the most effective way she knows to communicate her pain.

What do I mean when I say, "it works"?  I mean that when I respond to her attitude instead of her words, or respond to her argument about a given task, I give it credibility it does not deserve.  Ironically, my dad taught me for years that to let my brother get me mad was giving him power over me.  I hated that lesson, and became increasingly frustrated because now I was mad at what my brother did (whatever that was, I can't even remember), and then added frustration at being frustrated with him and giving him power!  And now, years later, I am still that same moron.

So what is the alternative?  Let me examine my life with my Master.  When I am disrespectful and rebellious, was I dismissed and did my Master become angry with me?  Did I incur the wrath of the Almighty?  Well, no.  I did suffer some consequences, but I also am well aware that I was protected from much of those consequences.  The way my Master deals with me is very gentle, and very aware of my frail form and nature.  I am not this way with my daughter, but I see that I should be. 

If I am truly a mature adult, why can't I let her barrage of attitude roll off my back?  Why is it so offensive?  Am I not partly to blame for it being such an effective tool for her?  Yes, by the way, the answer to that question is yes.  My role now is to be one to help her out of the use of that tool.  And I can help her, but I can't force her or make her stop using it.  I can make it uncomfortable for her to use it.

One way, and perhaps the most important way I can help her stop using that "method" with my wife and is to rob it of its power.  I do two things that energize that behavior in her.  First I react to it, and that gives it credibility.  Second, and probably the worst thing, is I reflect that attitude back at her, or use it myself with her.  That is crazy behavior for a parent!  Why would I do the very thing I am trying to get her to stop doing?  Yeah, Hello!  I told you I am partly to blame for this problem she has.

So I need to grow up.  And I need to love my daughter the way my Master loves me.  I start my prayers with, "You love me, You have my back, and I am at Your service."  I do that because my Master has made it safe for me to do that.  I need to make it safe for my daughter to think that way about me.  That attitude will help her deal with all legitimate authority in her life (not those words exactly, but the attitude itself).

So, today, I will come to my Master for refreshing (Matthew 11:28).  I will follow His lead as an apprentice follows the lead of his mentor.  I will seek to submit to my Master in the area of my love and response (respect) toward my daughter.  My sin of immaturity and hypocrisy will only leave me as I come to my Master.  Step 6, become ready to have God remove all my shortcomings.  Step 7, humbly ask Him to remove my character defects.  I can't do it myself, I must come to my Master.  What a day ahead.  I'll let you know how it went... if I remember to rehash it tomorrow.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, June 11

Becoming Less Oblique Toward my Master

As with most of Chambers’ entries, this one examines and probes my stance before my Master.  Is my stance toward Him, focused and concentrated?  Or is my stance oblique, taking Him in as well as all the other options vying for my attention?  Or is my stance facing Him at all?  Chambers address the oblique and focused stance.

Clearly from all the other entries, the position of Chambers is that I am to be focused on my Master in all of my life.  He didn’t come up with that, he got it from Scripture.  As I observe my “stance” lately, it has been less oblique than it has been, but I still suffer from distractions around me.  The very things I see my Master doing become distractions.  I stop looking beyond the wonder of the action, missing the Prime Mover of all things.

In gaining a better and better view of this impending move, I still feel a sense of excitement.  The sense can go two ways, it can degenerate into fear of the unknown details, or it can grow into energizing anticipation.  The deciding factor is my faith.  My faith is dependent upon my stance.  The less oblique my stance, the greater my faith.  When my Master fills my view, then I don’t even notice the unknown.  What is known outshines everything else.

I confess that I am not that focused yet, I am still oblique enough in my stance toward my Master that circumstances still distract me to some degree.  It’s really strange to look back over a day, or even a few hours, and see the silly things which distracted me, caused me stress or fear.  When I shake myself back to reality, and return my focus back to my Master, all stress and fear is gone.  Even knowing that, starting my morning with that, rehearsing it on the way to work, I still get it wrong after turning on my computer at work.  Is that selective memory, or evidence that my stance is more oblique than I thought?  It’s probably both, like being distracted by movement out of the corner of my eye. 

So, the goal in any given day, including this one, is to remain in an closed, facing stance focused on my Master.  The morning ritual, the drive in, the start up for the day, and the insatiable clamoring of tasks and customer; all must find their context and meaning in my focus on my Master. So, what is my Master’s interest in this next call?  What is my Master’s interest in this next task, fix, solution, conversation, or application?  I need to remember that He does have an interest in all those daily minor details.  The washing of a dish serves to teach a lesson of keeping my life clean, so does answering a phone, typing an email, and examining data to develop a solution. 

What would You have me do today, my Master?

Oswald Chambers' "My Utmost For His Highest": June 10th.