Shock and Awe, and the Holy Spirit

They were amazed and astonished, saying, "Why, are not all these who are speaking Galileans? (Acts 2:7 NASB)

And they all continued in amazement and great perplexity, saying to one another, "What does this mean?" (Acts 2:12 NASB)

The words used here to describe the crowd as they gathered at the noisy expression of the Spirit of God are interesting.  The one translated as "amazed" and "amazement" is the same, the other in each verse is a little different.  The word translated as "amazed" literally means "to move something from a place or alter it."  To me, it sounds like the mental gymnastics forced on a mind when a paradigm collapses.  It is truly a Greek idiom, but one where the dots of meaning can be connected.  It's the problem we face when someone alters our perception of the world by moving something we're used to having in a particular place.  If we're not careful, bumps and bruises follow from tripping over this new reality.  I think "shock" may have been a better word to use in translation.

The other two words refer really aren't even related to each other.  The first is typically translated as "marvel" and refers to the human response to divine miraculous events.  So, surprise, astonish, wonder, and admire would also work for it.  It is more detached or removed from the event, as if observing it from the outside looking in, where the word used twice is more overwhelmed by the whole event.

The other word used in verse 12 is formed from a root with two prefixes applied.  The root word means to carry over, or in the case of the River Styx, ferry over.  To this word is first applied the negation prefix, 'a', a linguistic element of English as well.  So it moves from "carry over" to "not carried over".  At this point, the preposition "through" (as in "through a pipe" or "down along through a valley") is prefixed.  We are left with "through not carried over".  This fits well with the shock of a forced paradigm shift.  The dilemma faced by the crowd was that, having had a paradigm collapse, they couldn't move on to a new one.

I have experienced these feelings.  In a negative way, they were a good description of my exodus from ministry.  On a more positive note, they might describe my struggle to loose weight (which I lost, and am now finding again).  I had to make a leap out of a failed paradigm.  The assumptions I had about myself, my environment, and my relationships had to change; or rather they had to be destroyed and replaced.  These things are not easy, but they are necessary.  I see the same world I've always lived in but I see it differently.

While the crowd had their paradigm shift forced on them, I wrestled with mine for a long time.  Now I see that I'm not able to sustain the new one very well.  The old patterns that led to my weight problem are returning.  Essentially I'm rebuilding the old failed paradigm.  How many of the crowd went on with their lives, traveled back to their far countries, and let the experience fade.  Work, struggles, and just surviving eventually overcome the shifted perspective with which the crowd walked away.  The struggle now is to not let those things overwhelm my paradigm shift.

I know the missing component.  It is my old nemesis, exercise.  For me, the paradigm I'm loosing was grounded in an exercise program.  It was a "spiritual discipline" that made me more available to my Master.  The physiological effects clarified things by helping me overcome other, debilitating physiological issues.  It was like taking my medicine.  Not everyone needs it, nor does everyone need it to the same degree, not does it affect everyone the same.  It helps me on enough levels to make it no longer an option, but an imperative.  But like most disciplines, it's not fun, at least not at first.  So, I guess my choice at this point is "workout DVD" or Wii Fit.

Daily Life With my Master

I am challenged at the day-to-day level of living out my faith.  Daily stuff seems well within my ability to manage, so I don’t give much thought to reliance (and therefore submission) to my Master within it.  But that lack shows in my relationships with my daughter, my wife, co-workers, and my community.  They are part of the setting of my daily life, and, in the eyes of my Master, just as vital a part of that setting as I am.

I guess that really gets at the heart of the issue with me.  When I rely on my own abilities and perspectives throughout my day, then I become master of the day-to-day.  I begin to treat people from my own store of love, grace, mercy, and gentleness… Some of you already know how “deep” those stores are.  What I really need is the fruit of my Master’s Spirit to live out those qualities in me throughout my daily routine, every day.  Those qualities are only present in me as my Master stores them up.  They aren’t my stores at all, but His; on deposit as it were.

The idea should be that I am a steward (as a knight and servant should be to his King) of the qualities my Master invests in me.  I don’t rely on my stores of mercy, gentleness, goodness, peace and so on.  And, perhaps more importantly, I don’t develop the expectation that I somehow grow my own reserves of such qualities.  Mine just aren’t the same level quality of personal quality.  I can’t live as if I practice with my Master’s stores so that I can learn to grow my own. 

If I want “the good stuff” in my life, why wouldn’t I continue to rely on His qualities?  Because I desire home-grown control.  I want to be king.  There’s no other reason I would.  And such desire for power is earthly, fleshly, born of fear, and stark rebellion against my Master.  It is also how I currently live out much of my daily life.  So, what do I do?

To an extent, I’m doing something in writing these blog entries.  But I really need more.  I need to practice reaching out to my Master throughout the day.  I need to practice invoking His name as I answer the phone or place a call.  I need to consider my Master’s perspective as I read email and type responses. 

Today, I demonstrate one product line for some of my team mates.  This is an opportunity to reach out to my Master as to encourage my co-workers up against an insurmountable challenge.  It is also an opportunity to show off.  In considering my Master’s perspective, these people are just as important element to the setting of my life as I am.  So, my focus should be on honoring His desire for them, His interest in their lives, His love and grace for them.  He may not be interested in making their lives easy (this is earth not heaven), but He is interested in their lives about Him.  Therein is peace, patience, gentleness, and goodness.  Maybe if those qualities come out through me, they will inquire about where I got them.

My day should be about my Master’s perspective on my daily routine.  There are no heroics in barracks life, but most of my time is there, not in the amazing events of life.  How I live in the barracks will make life on the battlefield better.  Discipline in my daily duties will carry over to discipline on the battlefield.  So what I do today has importance for the rest of my life.  It’s not just another day…well, actually it is, but this ordinary day is a setup for the extraordinary one around the corner.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, October 12

The Future, Myself, This Blog, and my Master

The site for MUFHH is back online.  What a relief?  Not really.  Now I am questioning the entire work of this blog.  Today, using the passage in 1 Peter 2:9 (royal priesthood and so on), Chambers says I am to forget about praying and focusing on my own change, and focus on priestly prayer for others.  So, does that nullify all that I have written over the past six months on this blog? 

This blog has ever been about God’s work in my life.  It has been about where He is changing me, and what I see I need to change.  It has never been about what others should do.  I write to hold myself accountable to a wider group, not to propagate change in others.  That sounds self-centered, but I believe that my Master is working out the change in me, and will do so in others.  It’s not my job to change others.  Perhaps these entries will influence others.

But writing for me, writing about what I am going through, and writing daily may be overly self-focused.  What about the work of intercessory prayer for others?  After all, the passage referring to believers as a royal priesthood is about going before my Master on behalf of others.  This is a lot of work and time to spend on myself.  So, is it right to spend so liberally on myself?

I really do not have a lot of feedback on any effect this is having on others.  And from the beginning I said that this is not about the effect it has on others.  From the outset this has been about being accountable with the work of my Master in my own life.  And there has been a lot of change in my own life.  I am not the same person I was at the end of 2010.  I have a long way to go, just for 12 months of sobriety.  And I have a lot to pass through to get there.  But I have come so far, and I am humbled, and confused.

Why has it taken so long?  Why, after wrestling with my addictive sin for over 20 years, am I only now finding freedom from it?  The only real difference is my posture of submission.  I have tried to submit before, but had a mental block or wall.  I am not sure what it was other than depression.  I seemed drawn to depression as a default response to most of life.

Once I have moved, I plan to jump into another 12-step program I have found where I am going.  It is one I am familiar with already, and really like.  Not every place does the program the same, and I prefer when it is done according to the program guidelines.  So I am a bit concerned about how they do it, but since I have no way of knowing, there is no sense in worrying about it.  That it is available is remarkable enough.

Perhaps that program will be enough of an outlet that this blog will no longer be necessary.  I would miss the discipline.  But I need to be open to my Master’s leading and guiding.  This discipline can be replaced by another.  But I also sense I would miss this blog on a relational level as well.  It is as if I am writing to someone, even if no one reads this.

Maybe this blog will continue, but rather than meanderings from MUFHH, I will meander from another source, and toward another goal.  Perhaps I will begin to write for others, not necessarily to others, but on their behalf, fulfilling the role of royal priest in that way.  There is certainly a lot for which to pray, the world is filled with need.  In fact, much of the hurt and pain in this world is caused by excessive degrees of the addiction I suffer.  I have some specific insight into an area of human need I know too much about.  Perhaps that will be what this blog will morph into.

In any case, and to whatever degree, the important thing is not to jump into or out of something unless I am following my Master.  It is not what I or others think of the actions I take, but whether those actions I take are guided and directed by my Master, driven by obedient devotion to Him.  Obedience is better than sacrifice, especially in ministering, and even more so in spiritual disciplines.  I cannot allow this blog to become about this blog, it must always be an expression of my Master’s will.  I believe that to date, He has been glorified, and not so much me.  This is a season of change in my life, and so this blog may change too.  But as I have followed my Master through this change, I must continue to follow Him; even regarding this blog.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, June 21

Continuously Praying Consistently

Prayer is one of the experiences of my life that has never seemed consistent.  In some ways that’s not good.  When I don’t consistently pray for instance.  But, in some ways, it’s very good.  When I don’t get stuck in a single mode, at a single time, with a single litany.

The verse Chambers uses today is 1 Thessalonians 5:17 where the short imperative of Paul, “pray continuously” is recorded.  When prayer is discussed, this imperative will unanimously be used.  I wonder if that is because it is understood, or because it isn’t. 

I have struggled with that imperative because it has flown in the face of the demonstrated definition of prayer provided to me by the church and my parents.  Witnessed prayer was always out loud, head bowed, and with a crowd.  If I were to pray continuously like that, well, I was a preacher, but that is definitely too long to speak, even for a preacher.

Clearly Paul, and my Master, has something else in mind.  Chambers says it should be like breathing or heart beats, constant and without conscious effort.  I agree, but it is also a degree of communion, so there has to be some sort of communication happening as well.  There is an interchange of some sort, and that is the part that I don’t understand very well.

I think part of my problem in understanding also stems from my learned definition of prayer.  Prayer that I witnessed was always unidirectional, from the person to the Master.  Prayer as seen in Scripture varied from unidirectional from the Master to the person, a discussion between the Master and the person, or unidirectional from the person to the Master, but with radical results.

My definition needs better grounding in Scripture rather than what I witnessed growing up.  The other issue is that prayer has to have a large internal element which cannot be witnessed in another.  The effects can be seen, which is why my mom would always ask, “have you had your quiet time today?” when I was demonstrating a bad attitude.  I hated that.  It bypassed what I was upset about, and was usually a good question, since more often than not, I hadn’t had my quiet time.

So, prayer needs to be constant flow between myself and my Master.  I need constant sensitivity to His Spirit.  I need to reflexively respond to Him in my momentary crises.  He should be the spontaneous impulse in my interactions or responses to others.  I should be speaking to Him whether internally or externally throughout events that happen, observations I make, and as I process meanings and draw conclusions.  I suppose that prayer can be the fundamental element of “abiding in Christ” or “walking in the light” or “living by the Spirit” or any of the other word pictures used in Scripture to describe the life I live in relationship to my Master.

I guess that as I wait, worship, and walk before my Master, prayer is my natural posture.  So, my Master loves me, has my back, and I am at His service, waiting, worshipping, and walking before Him in constant prayer.  And I thought I was busy yesterday.

Oswald Chambers' "My Utmost For His Highest": May 26th.

What Underlies Successful Spiritual Disciplines?

For today, I am back at my usual computer.  And today, I am with Chambers less than the other three days.  Today, using Luke 21:19, he makes a point that I have a lot of responsibility to build my Christian life.  His reference to discipline is almost lost in the discussion that I may be lazy or ignorant of how much I am capable of doing.

As I have mentioned, I am of the 12-Step crowd, and the idea that I am powerless, and what that means runs deep through my soul.  The discipline part is where I agree, and would say that there may be some believers who never develop disciplines.  I would say that most develop something, even if the discipline is not consistent for years at a time.  But I would also say many develop disciplines for their entire lives.

To be fair, I have had common spiritual disciplines most of my life, and still followed compulsive sinful paths, even in the same day the disciplines were practiced.  As Richard Foster has said, spiritual disciplines do not make me more holy or more spiritual, they make me more available to my Master.  Availability is made up of more than Bible reading and prayer.  Or it may be better to say that Bible reading and prayer are not the processes which make me more available.  There needs to be a mental shift, or focus or something that must pervade these disciplines.  It is not enough to go through the motions and see effective change.  They are not magical elements, they are acts of submission; or should be.

My struggle amongst them had more to do with an underlying fear and depression than with the habit itself.  I have been afraid of rejection, discovery and transparency, and feared that I have not been accepted by my Master.  I have struggled with depression for most of my adult life (as it turns out the symptoms have been very common in my life).  So, there were some underlying issues of submission (not taking Scripture at face value and seeing God from that perspective for instance), and psychological problems which kept me from effectively being available to my Master, even though I practiced some spiritual disciplines.

I do agree that spiritual disciplines are important.  For me, this blog is one which has been invaluable in my growth recently.  I also believe that honestly addressing my depression with anti-depressants has helped.  Working with my 12-step sponsor, and getting psychological therapy, has helped tremendously.  Loosing weight didn’t hurt either, but it was not initially a spiritual discipline, and didn’t initially help.  It has been keeping it off that has become helpful.  Or perhaps these other things have helped keep it off.  But in either case, I am different from who I was this time last year.  I am different just over the last 6 months.  And that difference has several things at its base all of which are elements of submission to my Master.

So, in all change I have enjoyed, all disciplines which I now follow, and all the success I now have is due to my Master.  Once I began to submit, then Chambers’ entry becomes accessible.  I had to settle that issue first.  Even now I struggle with that issue, and truly letting my Master be Master of my life is a slower process than I like.  But I am further along, and I see progress.  I am encouraged to go further.  And so I go.  The disciplines will keep me submissive and available.  My determination to take another step toward my Master will increase that availability.

Today I have a day off from my work I have been doing the last four days.  I will enjoy the day with my family, and I suspect I will have ample opportunities to submit to my Master.  Hopefully, at the end of the day, I will be able to say that I am more submissive and more available to Him.

Oswald Chambers' "My Utmost For His Highest": May 20th.

The Discipline of Being Loved

I once said that faith enables me to get into heaven, but love enables me to bring friends.  As I look at my life, I don’t see much of that love.  There is too much resentment and fear for love, way too much of the time.  I am improving, but I still struggle with keeping in mind how much my Master loves me.  When I’m in traffic, I am resentful of the other drivers who are in front of me, and choose to go slow.  When at work, I am resentful of customers who know me and call me for help, but spend their money with my teammates.  I have no right to resent anyone, not even my dogs.

Resentment in me stems from me, selfishness, self-centeredness, but mostly loss of focus.  Most of the time I resent, it is because I have lost focus on my Master and His voice.  When I focus on traffic, on getting to my destination as quickly as possible (within limits) I loose focus on my Master.  When I focus on making money (though yes, I am paid to focus on that) and think of my entitlement to it, I loose sight of my Master who provides even these sales.  I do not have the luxury to loose sight of, or focus on, my Master.  I don’t have the luxury to indulge in selfishness and self-centeredness either.

But when I focus on my Master, on His love for me which transcends imagination, then others in traffic, on phones, and at the end of the leash are again loveable.  They may be frustrating, I may not like what they do, but I can still love them, because I see what I do, and how my Master loves me.  This is one of the biggest reasons I start my prayers with “You love me.”  The other big reason is to work through the lie that I am not accepted.  When that lie springs up, I will tend toward resentment again.  I am already miserable at that point, resentment just puts icing on the cake (with fondant and flowers).

Focus on the love my Master has for me is a tremendous source of peace.  His Spirit then has the freedom within me to work His wonderful work and produce His fruit in me.  He brings forth evidence of His presence, and people wonder to look at me, knowing that it cannot be me.  Sure I can sound and appear intelligent, but only Jesus and His Spirit can bring out kindness, gentleness, goodness, faithfulness, peace, love, self-control, joy, and patience.  Those are not products of intelligence, but sure are more impressive.  The marvel of my Master’s work in me is the evidence those qualities provide of the truth of His presence and work.  Because if He will work in one such as me, then who would be unacceptable?  If He will take people like me, who would He exclude?  I have known Him and still rebelled.  What can be worse than having a personal relationship with the Master of the Universe, and rejecting Him as Master?  I have had all pretense and excuse removed.  I have no ground to stand on for my acceptability.  There is no reason, no excuse, no foundation for my acceptability within myself.  My acceptability is completely due to my Master choosing to accept me.  And that is love.

So who will I accept today who is unacceptable?  Will it be a cranky customer?  Will it be my manager?  Will it be my wife or daughter?  Or will it be the driver in front of me on the road who refuses to do what I clearly communicate to him telepathically?  Will I choose to accept without first requiring acceptability?  I know that when I focus on my Master, His love and acceptance of me, I can do that; I can accept someone without requiring them to earn that acceptance.  I’ve seen it happen.  I just want desperately for it to happen more.  Besides, I have a new quest, to let go of my desire to control what is not mine to control (mostly at work).  I can’t be bogged down by this issue.  I must focus on my Master, because I have some fears to work through, and I need to remember that He has my back.

Oswald Chambers' "My Utmost For His Highest": May 11th.

The View From Right Here

I am using a different tool to blog this morning, and I hope it speeds the process somewhat.  One nice touch is that it includes a link to the entry in MUFHH, which might help provide a context to understand some of my more bizarre rantings.  For this entry, I have to admit that the timing is something I would only ascribe to my Master.  For in this entry, I find something relating to a struggle my family is having right now.  The answer I find in the last paragraph, but even the contents serve to encourage me as I go through this with my family, attempting to stand as a spiritual leader.  This is not easy since my track record does not naturally induce trust.

The passage is Revelation 4:1 where John is invited into heaven to witness what must happen at the end, or before the end, or after these things, or something like that (Revelation is not one of my favorite books, it’s too much like much of Ezekiel and the last two-thirds of Daniel for my limited understanding of contemporary history to grasp).  The point that Chambers focus’ on is the invitation to come up higher.  He differentiates between this invitation from my Master versus the invitation from the Accuser.  When the Accuser invites the place is always perilous, but when my Master invites, the place is always open and wonderful.  I’m not sure that is a hard-and-fast rule, but is a fairly good place to be.  The description is in some ways like the position we are in now, but only somewhat.

I sense God’s presence and voice more now than I have in the past 10 years.  I feel clearer and more aware of myself, my foibles, and feel less justified to hang on to them.  I see myself as I believe my Master sees me, or at least more so.  And I believe this sense of sight helps me perceive my Master better as well.  But not perfectly.  I still wonder where the limitations are for my ability to see my Master and hear His voice.  I wonder if the past several months have served to clarify what was unclear months before.  In any case, our situation is somewhat perilous, yet not desperate.  So, have we reached Chamber’s “table land” or “pinnacle”?

Well, my sense of the situation is that regardless of what it might be or how we got here, we’re here.  Where is my Master leading from here?  There is no blame to place nor is there something to be gained from trying to solve this dilemma by figuring out how we got here in the first place.  We’re here, where will we be in three-to-four weeks?  I’m not sure.  We may be still here.  But I have reached a place where I am sure that my Master knows.  What I am not doing is looking for someplace using all the means people use to find places.  That is bothering me at the back of my mind, but not as much as I suspect it should.  Packing is the same problem.  It tugs at the recesses of my mind, but not with the same nagging stress I normally encounter when I avoid something I should do that I don’t want to do.  I have recently felt the difference, and that makes it easy to compare the two.  So what does it mean?  It means that I need to be prudent to do what is necessary to prepare for what I see at this point, but not put too much emotional stock in what I can see from this point.  I sense that there is more than what I can see going on at the moment, I just can’t see it yet.

So, have I been invited to a higher ground to view things more as my Master sees them?  Possibly.  But it is also possible that my Master has simply granted my prayer for peace in this place at the elevation I currently rest.  It could be that I simply gaining a better view from where I am; that I am finally allowing the clouds of dust I have worked up over the years to settle, and now I can see the world around me more clearly.  I will need to let you know in a few weeks.  I will be desperately trying to hold on to this discipline through the next few weeks.  I will probably need this therapeutic practice even more as our situation progresses, and the revelation of my Master unfolds.  Will I have my fields ready when He brings the rains we have prayed for?  Ah, suspense does make for a good way to end a chapter does it not?

Oswald Chambers' "My Utmost For His Highest": March 27th.

I Don't Get It...Or Do I?

Today, I am baffled by the devotion in My Utmost For His Highest.  What Chambers is talking about makes little sense to me.  I think I agree with a spot somewhere below the middle, but then I get lost again.  The point he is making is about carnality in my life.  But he states that no "natural man knows about it" and then that it comes from the conflict between the flesh and the Spirit where one "lusts" after the other.  It is at that point my eyebrows furrow and my eyes narrow, and my mind goes, "huh?"  He uses a capital S Spirit, so is referring to the Spirit of my Master who took up residence in me when I confessed Jesus as Lord and believed in Him as raised from the dead.  It is difficult to wrap my mind around the Spirit of my Master "lusting after" my flesh.  Seriously? Lusting? And after my flesh?

He continues into a monologue about setting the mind on the Spirit and not carrying out the deeds of the flesh, and I am no longer in 1 Corinthians 3:3 where he first references, and am now squarely in Romans 7 and 8.  In those chapters most translators do not necessarily agree whether the references to spirit are references to the Spirit of God which desires total influence over the person, or the spirit of the person which would the part of a person desiring to please the Master.  So, the confusion is not just here, but remains and is fairly common.  Chambers clearly falls on the side of the reference to the Spirit of God. 

So, the monologue continues into confession being a mark of the non-carnal believer.  What is going on here is that Chambers is referring to the response to conviction by the Spirit of God, the internal response.  In pyschological terms, it would be the question of responding versus reacting.  So, if I react to conviction from something I read in Scripture then I am being carnal.  If I respond in confession, then I am being spiritual.  After the confession it is my Master who makes the necessary change in me.  So this part I get, the first, not so much, and he looses me again at the end.

In the last paragraph he says that the proof that the "carnality" is gone is the surprise at my change in behavior or attitude.  Saying, "I would have been resentful over this in the past" or something like that is the indicator that carnality is leaving the body.  But isn't that a progressive experience rather than the mark of an event?  Or is it that carnality comes and goes?  If it does that, then does it ever truly leave or does it just go dormant?  Or is that a semantic question of little value? 

Either way, I agree with the reacting versus responding position as an indicator of whether I am being ruled more by the Spirit of my Master or my own silly passions.  And I suppose that being surprised by the changes that my Master is making in me would be evidence that, at least, my silly passions have less sway than they used to.  And I believe that I am experiencing that more lately than I have in a long time.  I have experienced more spiritual victory recently than I have at any other time in my past.  I think that is because I have a long way to go out of the spiritual hole I have dug over the last 20 years, but it's still progress up.  And progress up is good.  The credit goes to the Spirit of my Master, because my only part in this has been to make myself more available to Him.  The positive changes are His, and I have been recently surprised by them.

Part of what I have taken on as a responsibility on my part is the ritual actions of holiness (in a modern setting, rather than the ancient Temple setting).  These don't actually make me more fit for my Master, just make me more available to Him.  They don't make me qualitatively better than anyone else, just different.  They include the daily discipline of writing these blog entries, praying using the phrases, "You love me, You have my back, and I am at Your service."  The initials below my signature are part of it. These are just a few obvious ones, and as I said, they don't change me qualitatively, just make me more aware of my status before my Master on a more consistent basis.  In the blog I have confessed when my Master brings out deficiencies in my character and done so publically.  That helps me remain accountable to being submissive to Him in these areas.  I believe that actions of "ritual holiness" done right will look very different for different believers, so I don't recommend these particular ones for anyone else.  I found them when I sought the areas that my Master wants to grow me, and in response to those areas of growth, came up with actions I could take to increase my availability to my Master to bring about that growth.  If I were to make a recommendation (and I don't), that would be it.  My only recommendation is to love the Master.  The rest sort of falls out of that, whatever "the rest" might be.