The Real Trial of Stephen

But being full of the Holy Spirit, he gazed intently into heaven and saw the glory of God, and Jesus standing at the right hand of God; and he said, "Behold, I see the heavens opened up and the Son of Man standing at the right hand of God." (Acts 7:55-56 NASB)

Stephen stood before a council of the elders of his people, a crowd made up of those jealous of him, and sprinkled with those paid to lie about him. He is on trial. It looks grim, even from the beginning. The charges are false, yet not far enough from the truth that he going to be acquitted. And the council of elders has hated and been jealous of his fellow believers for months now. This will not end well for Stephen. Except that this is not the real court scene.

The council of leaders imagines themselves to be the judges. The throng of haters imagine themselves to be the jury. The lying witnesses imagine themselves to be the only proof either way. And they are all wrong.

It isn't until after the discourse of Stephen stripping the people and leaders of any pretext of being "godly" sons of Israel or true worshippers of God. Once the leaders and people are whipped to a burning hot fury that the true courtroom scene is revealed to Stephen, and therefore to us. Sealing his fate, he shares it with all the others in the room. Rather than hear reality, they rush him and take his life, ironically in the form of a judicial capital punishment.

Stephen is fully in tune with the Spirit of his Master, and sees the real courtroom. God is the Judge, and Jesus stands at the right hand of the Judge as Defense Attorney. God is Stephen's judge, and the Son of God is his Defense Attorney? This trial hasn't been lost, but won in a complete reversal. Stephen is shown his victory, heaven. He has acted in faith in what he hadn't seen so far, but knew in his heart. At the end, after his obedience, he sees the object of his faith revealed.

The wicked unjustly execute the righteous, and inadvertently, send him to reap his reward. Oops. Wait, no, but Stephen died, horribly crushed and battered by large stones. That's bad, isn't it? No, it just hurt for a little while.

Stephen saw the heaven opened. He saw his destination. These evil deluded ones around him were the pawns of Stephen's Master to bring him home. Stephen was bound to the feet of the One before all will bow and confess as Lord to the glory of God the Father. It was the kangaroo court, the mock trial, the flim-flam crooked job that provided his vehicle. Those who imagined themselves to be in control were in turned controlled by the One truly in control.

Now, the question for me is, can I stand, and, in faith, face the angry crowd unjustly accusing me? Will I speak the words of my Master rather than the words of my own defense? Will I seek His glory above where He stands to defend me beside His Father? Will I speak with the confidence that heaven is real, and waits for me to arrive? Do I truly believe that my destination makes all things I endure and face here mere trivia? Can I stand as Stephen stood, face the crowd he faced, and speak as he spoke?

Yes...and no. Yes, in a way, knowing the end, I can face intense adversity when challenged. But honestly, Stephen demonstrates daily faith in power before he is ever on trial. That's where I struggle and fail the most. In the daily battle to maintain my focus and determination. Where my heart is the determining factor in continuing to do what I find tiresome and pointless, that is where my faith tends to wear thin. The problem is that I have lost the "point" to a lot of what I do during the day.

I work at a job where mental flexibility and gymnastics is critical. That is also my strong point. But it is in between those times where I need that mental acuity where I struggle. In order to get to those times, I have a boatload of small repetitive tasks that have to be accomplished in a flurry of activity. Because I fail so often to connect those in importance with the things I love to do, I flag in my determination to do them. They become tiresome, and boring, and "pointless". They are not, but I begin to perceive them that way. Not at first, but rapidly, about the fifth or so task.

Stephen daily lived out the power of his faith, performed signs and wonders, not of himself, but of his Master. His life was headed for this mock trial, but he lived daily only in the light of his Master's face. What I need is that daily focus. The "tasks" are the things I do in the light of my Master's face. They may not seem like "signs and wonders", but when I am able to touch the life of someone and bring the light of my Master's face into their world, that is a sign and wonder in itself. These tasks I struggle with so much are not for my manager or company, or even for my clients. They are for my Master, the real Master I serve. They are not empty tasks, but opportunities; opportunities I have been missing way too often.

Living In Between Crises

The Epistle of Jude is an interesting book in Scripture.  It is reputed to have been written by one of Jesus’ brothers, another son of Mary.  It contains at least two clear references to books of the Hebrew Apocrypha.  And it is addressed to no specific regional audience.

The verse used by Chambers in this entry is the point of Jude where the author turns from discussing those in error to his audience.  He doesn’t exhort them, as much as describe them as, among other things, “building yourselves in your holy faith,” as if they are already doing this.

The central theme that Chambers goes off on is that it takes the work of the Holy Spirit to enable and build up a believer in the daily routines of life; that a believer can use their own personal abilities to survive crises.  I found that an interesting turn of opinion.

I thought Chambers had said before that if I didn’t work on faith in the routine times, that I would be swept away in the times of crisis.  It was the strength and training gained in the barracks that enabled valor and success on the battlefield.  I may have misunderstood that if his position is that the “barracks” life is more difficult to endure than the battle. 

I see what he means though.  Crises don’t come to stay, they come and pass through.  I can last on my own strength of character for a little bit, even when it’s a dramatic event.  It’s in the daily grinding down of my mind and spirit that I cannot survive without my Master and His Spirit resurrecting me.  I can become complacent in routines, but it’s easy to stay focused for short sprints of crisis.  I see what Chambers is getting at, and I do agree with that, to a degree.  And I suspect that he would accept the same degree of disagreement based on earlier entries.

There are crises that threaten the foundations of faith if that faith is based on the results of relating to my Master rather than my Master Himself.  What is done in the daily grinding to reach for my Master and cling to Him enables a building up of a faith that is truly holy.  It’s faith in Him, but it is also faith given freely by Him.  If I have no familiarity with such faith, then some crises can wipe away my “building” as if it were made on and of sand.

There is a way of life termed “management by crisis” where survival is attained or attempted by enabling crises in life.  There are varieties of reasons for doing this, and I have tried it before, and was pretty good at it.  I was lazy and didn’t want to do the work necessary to avoid crises, then thrived in the adulation of others after overcoming it (totally obscuring the fact the crisis was my fault for not planning), and finally biding my time in the spotlight waiting for the next crisis, waiting to shine once more.  Such a life is about me, not about my Master.  It didn’t last long.

Management by crisis requires manageable crises.  Since small crises often compound to form larger ones, the “management” technique eventually collapses.  It hurts when it does, and for me, forced me to grow up a little.  I would always play to my strengths, and avoid my weaknesses.  That plays the game of life by my rules instead of my Master’s.  He lets me, waiting for the inevitable collapse when I humbly return in shame.  I have been fairly successful in the last year playing by His rules, not entirely and not perfectly, but more and more.

Actually, I find that now, many months later (almost a year), it is getting more difficult to maintain that focus on my Master, and I sense myself drifting back toward my old thinking.  This is the point where my Master wants to do the most work.  This is the point where the benefit gained in faith during daily routine life really begins to grow me.  It is here that I am stretched more, even than in crises.

It is my wife and her family that is in crisis.  My older sister and her family is in crisis of a different but related sort.  I am not.  I am in a position to pray for them, bringing their crises before my Master.  I am in a position of relative comfort and ease, the perfect place to seek my Master’s face and focus on Him.  But I don’t.  I do pray from time to time about those in crisis, but I don’t focus on my Master as I should.  I still feel the habit of playing to my strengths gripping my mental patterns.  I have not entirely torn down that mental framework, but it needs to go.  It’s in disrepair, but it’s not gone as it should be.

All this to say that building myself in my holy faith and praying in the Holy Spirit are things I want to describe me day in and day out.  Jude used those terms to describe his audience, and I want that to apply to me as well.  I want to be able to help my fellow believers who are sinking into error and despair.  I want to be useful in my Master’s Kingdom in ways that reveal His glory, not my own.  I’m on my way, but I’m not quite there yet.  Like Chambers says, it doesn’t happen in five minutes.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, October 21

Daily Life With my Master

I am challenged at the day-to-day level of living out my faith.  Daily stuff seems well within my ability to manage, so I don’t give much thought to reliance (and therefore submission) to my Master within it.  But that lack shows in my relationships with my daughter, my wife, co-workers, and my community.  They are part of the setting of my daily life, and, in the eyes of my Master, just as vital a part of that setting as I am.

I guess that really gets at the heart of the issue with me.  When I rely on my own abilities and perspectives throughout my day, then I become master of the day-to-day.  I begin to treat people from my own store of love, grace, mercy, and gentleness… Some of you already know how “deep” those stores are.  What I really need is the fruit of my Master’s Spirit to live out those qualities in me throughout my daily routine, every day.  Those qualities are only present in me as my Master stores them up.  They aren’t my stores at all, but His; on deposit as it were.

The idea should be that I am a steward (as a knight and servant should be to his King) of the qualities my Master invests in me.  I don’t rely on my stores of mercy, gentleness, goodness, peace and so on.  And, perhaps more importantly, I don’t develop the expectation that I somehow grow my own reserves of such qualities.  Mine just aren’t the same level quality of personal quality.  I can’t live as if I practice with my Master’s stores so that I can learn to grow my own. 

If I want “the good stuff” in my life, why wouldn’t I continue to rely on His qualities?  Because I desire home-grown control.  I want to be king.  There’s no other reason I would.  And such desire for power is earthly, fleshly, born of fear, and stark rebellion against my Master.  It is also how I currently live out much of my daily life.  So, what do I do?

To an extent, I’m doing something in writing these blog entries.  But I really need more.  I need to practice reaching out to my Master throughout the day.  I need to practice invoking His name as I answer the phone or place a call.  I need to consider my Master’s perspective as I read email and type responses. 

Today, I demonstrate one product line for some of my team mates.  This is an opportunity to reach out to my Master as to encourage my co-workers up against an insurmountable challenge.  It is also an opportunity to show off.  In considering my Master’s perspective, these people are just as important element to the setting of my life as I am.  So, my focus should be on honoring His desire for them, His interest in their lives, His love and grace for them.  He may not be interested in making their lives easy (this is earth not heaven), but He is interested in their lives about Him.  Therein is peace, patience, gentleness, and goodness.  Maybe if those qualities come out through me, they will inquire about where I got them.

My day should be about my Master’s perspective on my daily routine.  There are no heroics in barracks life, but most of my time is there, not in the amazing events of life.  How I live in the barracks will make life on the battlefield better.  Discipline in my daily duties will carry over to discipline on the battlefield.  So what I do today has importance for the rest of my life.  It’s not just another day…well, actually it is, but this ordinary day is a setup for the extraordinary one around the corner.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, October 12

Am I Destined For More Than This? Is The Wrong Question

This has to be an entry made up of a lot more that was said by Chambers.  There has to be some pieces missing.  The initial ideal is the calling to be a holy one.  Then Chambers goes into a vision tested and proven in the crucible of the “valley” experience of yesterday.  His point today is that the vision does not become a reality until going through the valley, and that my Master doesn’t let me avoid it, but hunts me down.

In some sense I like the idea that my Master won’t just let me slink away from a vision He has given me.  On the other hand, I can’t help but wonder about leaving the ministry.  I believe it was the right, or at least necessary, thing; even now.  But now I question that assumption.  Part of what I’m struggling with comes from the context in which Chambers writes.  His is at a school for missionaries and that is his audience.  So he spends a lot of time on ministry-focused calling because that is what is at stake in that place.  So his context continually brings me around to consider my own.

I don’t know that I am called to be a phone-sales person for the rest of my life, but I do know several people who have been at the job I do for a very long time.  I’m not sure I want that or that my Master wants that for me.  But, on the other hand, I’m not sure He doesn’t either.  The situation I am in now does not provide a large degree of vertical movement within the company.  While I’m grateful to the company and my managers for the opportunity to do this, I don’t harbor illusions that I can manage some group remotely; unless it were a group of remote individuals, and we don’t have that yet.

But regardless of opportunities, the reality I need to focus on is the direction my Master has me in now.  Right now He has clearly placed me and my family in this place.  He has made every provision for us here.  So, I know that right now, He wants me to continue in this place doing what I already do.  Since I haven’t been told anything else so far, I will continue on that track.  The vision given so far is to be His holy one right here.  I have a wife and daughter I am to comfort and love, and I have a church in which to minister.  I have stuff to do.

I don’t need more, but if my Master leads to more, I’ll just need to be ready, and listening for His call.  I am content to be His servant in this situation and this set of circumstances.  I am content to wait on Him for whatever else He leads me to.  I will be content to take from His hand without grasping for more control and what I can make.

On the other hand, I don’t want to be that servant who buried his talent of silver.  I know that in what I have been trusted, I need to put it to work.  So, right now I will focus on being a good husband, father, church member, and employee.  I will not loose sight of what I have right here in my daily life looking for the possibility of more.  In this time and place, perhaps the valley of reality that Chambers refers to, I will be faithful to this vision and this calling.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, October 4

On The Downside of The Mountaintop

I am fighting the frustration of not knowing why something doesn’t work.  I know that part of my frustration is that I don’t understand the fundamental underlying principles, but I expect that I should.  I don’t know exactly why that bothers me, but it can’t be a good thing.

In the area of computers I have worked and used them, understanding the fundamental principles since I was a kid.  Now, everything is so different, I feel like an idiot when something goes wrong.  Now computers have programs that move at so many layers with so many objects and files, I can’t follow them any longer.  It bothers me, and it bothers me that it bothers me.

I get part of my problem; I used to feel that computers were one thing I could control.  That stopped being true a long time ago as things changed rapidly, but I didn’t keep up with the changes.  I used to program, but that field has changed so much I would have to start over to learn it.  I used to know how to link computers, but networking evolved into systems that completely bypassed all the “mainframes” I used to know, and is almost totally based on small computer architecture.  I have no idea how that works.  I have a surface knowledge of components in my own home network, but subnet masks, various type of servers, and routing tables baffle me.  I used to be on the cutting edge, but now I’m not.

So, now when Microsoft Word decides it can’t find my blog account with no reason given I’m frustrated.  Why now after 3 months of working fine, and no changes either to my account or to the application?  I do the same thing, but get different results.  That has been my experience with computers lately.

Today, Chambers refers to the commonplace world in the valley below the mountaintop experience.  In this place, the emotional experience gives way to a clamoring reality.  Sure, I surrender to my Master all that goes into my day, and immediately run into a minor hiccup.  Suddenly my own hidden supply of personal mastery is challenged and defeated.  And just as suddenly I pitch the thin veneer of my submission into the dumpster as I rant about my loss of control over a precious area of my world.

So I don’t know as much as I would want about computers, so what?  So I don’t get networking terms and concepts any more, so what?  So I don’t have the time (or inclination, or money) to catch up with the industry, so what?  Seriously, do I need such knowledge or skills?  I know some who have skills in those areas I don’t, and they have to fiddle with stuff just like I do, they clearly don’t know it all.  They may know a subnet mask from an Ethernet plug, but the run aground pretty quick as well when computers misbehave.  Why do I expect that I shouldn’t have such problems?  How dumb is that?

Why is my particular valley so close to the mountain?  Do you know how really inconvenient that is for me; to test my emotional conviction right after the experience?  It hasn’t even had a chance to gel yet, coagulate into faith, or whatever it does.  Why does the shallowness of my devotion in an emotional experience have to be so quickly exposed by such a silly reality?  Can’t it wait until I’m done blogging and well into my day?

Anyway, where was I?  Oh, right: life in the valley.  Well, I do love time with my Master, to see His creation, experience His presence, and be consumed by His Spirit.  My failure comes on the way down into the real day-to-day application of that experience.  I have to go back to what it means:  You love me, You have my back, and I am at Your service.  I can’t be much service on the mountaintop.  Where did I put my work boots and gloves?  Time for church!

Oswald chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, October 2

The Daily Grinding of My Faith

In some ways I am an “adrenaline junky”, and probably most males fit this moniker to some degree.  I am careful in most things, so it is in my alter ego, or fantasy life that I live this trait.  Sometimes on my way to work, I’m living out a chase scene in heavy traffic (no I don’t, but I think about it).  So, I do like it when my Master calls me to the great and wonderfully obviously difficult things.  I like a challenge.

But as Chambers asks today, am I still listening to the truths my Master says about His love for me when the excitement has faded to a daily routine?  He uses the promise from my Master in Hebrews 13:5, where the writer is wrapping up the letter by urging the believers to be of good character.  He supports the call to generosity and contentment with possessions with the quote, “For I will never leave you nor forsake you.”

What I derive from this passage and from Chambers’ development of it is that I am to be content rather than grasping.  To be grasping is to take control of the provision for my family and myself, and become my own power-hungry god.  What starts as a good desire to provide for my family takes over my ambition fueled by my selfishness and self-centeredness. 

When my senior supervisor spoke of my working remotely as if it were a sure thing, instead of relaxing in the provision my Master was clearly making, I worried about the details.  What a stupid thing to do.  What can I do to affect any change or detail?  If the people involved can’t come to a consensus within one conversation before I leave, is that really my problem?  What will I have lost that I already have?  I have already renounced my job, and have been ready to move without it.  Clearly if my Master can demonstrate that my superiors want me to continue, He can also provide another set of superiors in my new home.  In fact, their desire to continue to use me means shows me that He is truly interested in this area of my life.

I still wonder at the details; mostly because I don’t know how the technical stuff I use every day really works.  But there is also the fear of “what if they don’t get this ironed out before I leave?”  Well, what if they don’t?  Do I think that, after providing so far, initiating this process, my Master has lost control of the situation?  Really?  Of course, when posed that way, I don’t believe that.  Yet, when my pulse quickens, and my brows furrow just thinking about what will happen between now and June 24, faith is not what’s coursing through my soul.  And therefore, neither is peace.

But I know the peace I want.  I have felt the serenity of trust in my Master, even having decided to go without a job.  So I know what I should be feeling.  And I miss that feeling.  What is true, from here until I die, is that my Master loves me, He has my back, and I am at His service.  The first two truths enable my availability for the third.  I am not at His service if I’m distracted by what I cannot control or know.  I hate not knowing.  But I don’t know, and I really have no way to find out what I need to know.

So, even with the clear provision developing, I must still wait, worship, and walk before my Master.  Sure I can see the end of this phase of my life ending, and the beginning of another is immanent.  Yet, I am not quite finished here, and my Master calls me to finish well.  I have a job to do, customers to service, and a team to support.  He has my back, now it’s time to roll up my sleeves and get busy.

Oswald Chambers' "My Utmost For His Highest": June 4th.