I really need Chambers’ entry for today. He extends the passage he uses from Hebrews 13 into verse 6 (so Hebrews 13:5-6). The point he makes is that once my Master says so, I should then say so. Here’s how it applies to me. Since my Master has said, “I love you, I have have your back, I want you to wait, worship, and walk before Me,” I should say after Him, “You love me, You have my back, I am at Your service, and I will wait patiently for Your provision, worship You as my Master, and walk before you daily.”
Sounds easy, and it probably is easy. As moving day approaches, I am more fearful. Why? Seriously, the provision for which I am supposed to be trusting my Master is almost entirely in place. What is my problem? I think my problem rests in not being able to control so many of the details. They truly are out of my hands. But there is the thought of adding more stuff. We are getting rid of a lot (yay!), but now we may be taking a big bed we had not counted on, a fridge, washer, dryer, and possibly a freezer. Seriously? I don’t want to. The bed, I think we can handle, because I disassemble fairly well. The other stuff we don’t pick up until we arrive, but we are supposed to do so before we see the house and unload our stuff.
These are not big problems. But they still bother me. Why? Mainly because I let them. I need to find out about internet since utilities take about two weeks to setup (seriously?!), and if I want to be able to remote in to do my job that needs to be ordered two-weeks before I need it. Since I don’t know what I need to remote in, I don’t know which type (cable or DSL) to get. Thorny problem? Not for my Master. It didn’t catch Him by surprise, and He has been aware of the timing all along. So…what am I worried about again?
I guess this is one of those opportunities I need to take to be careful about maintaining my emotional well-being. It takes a level of honesty on my part that I am not used to demonstrating. Instead of letting people really know what is going on inside, I try to present a façade of doing better than I am. I try to be strong for my family. All I achieve is a confusing emotional distance that they distrust and annoys them. When I was asked about the appliances, I should have said, “no, not until we get there and see what’s what.” The bed issue I should have arranged at that point, to disassemble it early, and get it hauled over the storage unit for loading. These are not hard things. But included in those responses should have been an honest assessment of my feelings that goes along with those wants/desires/preferences.
And honest assessment includes the part that says, “yes, the emotions show immaturity and selfishness, I see that, and I will work on it.” Because sometimes the reason I don’t express how I feel is because I know it doesn’t come from the “good” parts of me. I want to present a good façade, not a true expression of my baser qualities. But if I don’t bring those out, inventory them, and and own them for what they are, I can’t then be rid of them. In 12-step programs, this process is part of the “maintenance step,” 10 which says, “Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.” I can’t survive spiritually and emotionally intact if I only inventory the stuff I like. Steps 6 and 7 are steps which are probably the least understood, and the ones which are most dependent upon my Master.
Step 6 says, “Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.” Step 7 says, “Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.” This is the response to an inventory showing things that are wrong. I become ready, and then I humbly ask. I don’t remove them, I release them; I lay down on the table and let my Master Surgeon do His thing. I obey, I submit, I give up portions of my personality I have protected for most of my life. They are the parts I put in place to cope with problems and issues instead of turning to my Master for that coping strength. They are rickety props that are more dangerous than helpful, they are part of who I am, and they need to go.
I want the truck packing to be easy, so I want as little as possible to go on it. I am intimidated to drive such a large truck so I want to do as little backing and turning as possible. There is a part of me that would just as soon set a match to my possessions and start over in a new location, as pack them and unpack them in a new, unfamiliar house.
Now for the reality. These possessions are not mine to just get rid of. We will have immediate needs once we arrive which these possessions will be needed to fulfill. The desire to make the packing easy may be understandable, but is not practical nor is it considerate of others. My fear of driving such a large truck is understandable, but is the responsibility I took when we decided on the larger truck. I may not want to back it down a narrow dirt driveway and through a narrow angled gate, but I have to accept that I may need to, and do my best. I suspect that if I ask to disassemble the bed before we pack and get it over to the unit, I will be granted that request. But I have to make the request before it can be granted.
Master, there are several “defects of character” evident here in these desires, selfishness, fear, resentments on top of those, and layer of shame which is why I hid them. Please reveal to me the other shortcomings I am missing. These that I see, I need strength and courage to become ready to have you remove. I want you to remove them, but I have two things to accomplish first. I need the courage to be ready, and I need to humbly ask You to remove them.
And I thought I would have little to do while waiting for moving day. What was I thinking? Well, excuse me while I don my paper gown, and get up on the operating table. I believe my Master has His scalpel in hand and is waiting for me. See you on the other side.
