One of My Weaknesses

“I am weak, but Thou art strong,” starts my life’s theme song.  Jesus keeps me from wrong not my own ability, knowledge, strength, or even my own will.  I am weak.  He is strong.  But can I, or will I, be satisfied as long as I walk close to Him?

Jesus called His disciples to Himself and told them to go.  But the first words were not “go”, but rather, “All authority has been given to Me in heaven and on earth.”  It was a statement of fact.  It is still true.  He has the authority over me, and anything I choose besides Him is rebellion.  It sounds crazy, but that includes myself, my family, my job, or anything else in my sphere of experience.

All authority has been given to Him, so nothing else is supposed to have authority in my life.  But stuff does.  I feel emotions, and as a guy, I have little or no idea what to do with them, or even what they are.  I have to consciously inventory my emotions before they become manageable.  How sad is that? (which is an emotion by the way)

But I have also found that there are elements to me that are not emotion, but something else.  I have physiological problems, and one of them includes depression.  I thought depression was emotional, but for me, it’s chemically driven.  Not driven by chemicals I take, but those loose in my brain.  An excessive amount of neurotransmissions clutters my mind, but also drives my emotional state down.  Those aren’t thoughts, at least not conscious ones.  I’m not sure what they are, but they aren’t good.  So, I take a medication for them.  I don’t think it’s able to keep up though.

Right now, I am in depression, emotionally, and probably physiologically.  I feel it, but can’t tie it to normal daily life.  There are things in my life out of my control:  I have a niece and her husband who are experiencing a severe trial of their faith.  My wife’s aunt is dying.  These things play at my mind, seeping into and through my thoughts, and I am sad.  For me, these things are dangers I must be aware of and deal with.  I can’t afford to ignore the signs.  I must weep, whether it’s manly or not.  I must grieve and that is a process not just one feeling.  I must feel these emotions or they will destroy me.  (that sounds dramatic doesn’t it?)

I don’t mean that I will die from them, I mean that all that my Master has done in my life lately will become undone.  I’d have to start over, which is not the same as being destroyed, so I was being overly dramatic.  I can start over, or rather, my Master begin again with me.  But this time in my life is no surprise to my Master, he engineered the setting I would experience it in.  He engineered the timing, the resources available to my family, and the new found devotion to Him.  I am living now more than I have in a long time.  And so, now I must feel as I have never felt, experiencing emotions to a degree I have avoided my entire life.

Experiencing emotions is not being ruled by them, but rather it is an immersive experience.  It is when I don’t experience them intentionally that I am ruled by them unintentionally; at least for me anyway.  But, since I haven’t a lot of practice at this, I fumble around with it.  I don’t know how to do it really, I just try to figure it out.  I have a busy morning, but a free afternoon.  And now I have an important task.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, October 14

On The Downside of The Mountaintop

I am fighting the frustration of not knowing why something doesn’t work.  I know that part of my frustration is that I don’t understand the fundamental underlying principles, but I expect that I should.  I don’t know exactly why that bothers me, but it can’t be a good thing.

In the area of computers I have worked and used them, understanding the fundamental principles since I was a kid.  Now, everything is so different, I feel like an idiot when something goes wrong.  Now computers have programs that move at so many layers with so many objects and files, I can’t follow them any longer.  It bothers me, and it bothers me that it bothers me.

I get part of my problem; I used to feel that computers were one thing I could control.  That stopped being true a long time ago as things changed rapidly, but I didn’t keep up with the changes.  I used to program, but that field has changed so much I would have to start over to learn it.  I used to know how to link computers, but networking evolved into systems that completely bypassed all the “mainframes” I used to know, and is almost totally based on small computer architecture.  I have no idea how that works.  I have a surface knowledge of components in my own home network, but subnet masks, various type of servers, and routing tables baffle me.  I used to be on the cutting edge, but now I’m not.

So, now when Microsoft Word decides it can’t find my blog account with no reason given I’m frustrated.  Why now after 3 months of working fine, and no changes either to my account or to the application?  I do the same thing, but get different results.  That has been my experience with computers lately.

Today, Chambers refers to the commonplace world in the valley below the mountaintop experience.  In this place, the emotional experience gives way to a clamoring reality.  Sure, I surrender to my Master all that goes into my day, and immediately run into a minor hiccup.  Suddenly my own hidden supply of personal mastery is challenged and defeated.  And just as suddenly I pitch the thin veneer of my submission into the dumpster as I rant about my loss of control over a precious area of my world.

So I don’t know as much as I would want about computers, so what?  So I don’t get networking terms and concepts any more, so what?  So I don’t have the time (or inclination, or money) to catch up with the industry, so what?  Seriously, do I need such knowledge or skills?  I know some who have skills in those areas I don’t, and they have to fiddle with stuff just like I do, they clearly don’t know it all.  They may know a subnet mask from an Ethernet plug, but the run aground pretty quick as well when computers misbehave.  Why do I expect that I shouldn’t have such problems?  How dumb is that?

Why is my particular valley so close to the mountain?  Do you know how really inconvenient that is for me; to test my emotional conviction right after the experience?  It hasn’t even had a chance to gel yet, coagulate into faith, or whatever it does.  Why does the shallowness of my devotion in an emotional experience have to be so quickly exposed by such a silly reality?  Can’t it wait until I’m done blogging and well into my day?

Anyway, where was I?  Oh, right: life in the valley.  Well, I do love time with my Master, to see His creation, experience His presence, and be consumed by His Spirit.  My failure comes on the way down into the real day-to-day application of that experience.  I have to go back to what it means:  You love me, You have my back, and I am at Your service.  I can’t be much service on the mountaintop.  Where did I put my work boots and gloves?  Time for church!

Oswald chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, October 2

Flying By the Seat of My Pants

When I was a younger adult, I had a sense of confidence that was fairly amazing.  And successes I enjoyed during this time taught me a very important lesson.  Often, confidence is the only thing I need going into a situation to come out successful.  But I also learned that sometimes it's not.  In my younger adult days I flew through life by the seat of my pants.  Now, this is not to say that I was reckless or random in my actions, it means that I went off my gut feelings of what I was supposed to do.  This morning, Chambers works from Luke 24:32 where the two disciples on the road to Emmaus say to each other, "Weren't our hearts burning within us as He spoke us, opening the Scriptures to us?"  He then gets at that "burning" within and how to respond to it.  He says go with it.

Now he points out that it is not something I can make happen, it is from the Holy Spirit.  I don't get to choose the timing of the burning.  Then he says to act on that emotion to the fullest extent, final conclusion.  But he also says to consider that conclusion first to determine ahead of time whether or not the emotion (burning in my heart) is really from the Spirit of God.  I often did the first, but not always the second.

Now I rarely do either.  But on the other hand, I rarely sense that burning in my heart from God's Spirit either.  I feel as if I have moved into the days of Samuel's boyhood, where a word from God was rare.  It isn't really, but my fear level is higher now.  It is somewhat because I have more to loose and more riding on me making the right decisions.  I have a daughter and a wife, who, believe it or not, like to have a house and food, and clothes (especially shoes for some reason).  Providing these things seems difficult if I am rash and just do whatever whenever.

While that may be true, what I forget when I am restrained by such fear is that my Master knows about those desires of my family and loves them even more than I do (shoes and all).  He does not only have my back, He has theirs as well.  That is a part of what is contained in my new statement in prayer, "and I am at Your service."  It declares that I am available to my Master regardless of the task.  I can say that only if I believe that He has control over the circumstances of my family as well as mine.

But fear is not my only enemy in determining to obey that "burning within" from my Master's Spirit.  The other piece of advice from Chambers is to consider the end-result of playing out the emotion.  I am not that great at that sort of pre-determination.  I say, "Oh, I hadn't thought of that" way too often to trust myself here.  But I have to.  I need to try to see ahead and determine whether the emotion burning within originates from my Master or myself (or the enemy).  Because if I don't check, and I because of that I don't act, I cut myself off from the purposes of my Master in my life.  These burning emotions, not expressed, will simmer at a low level in my life and burst out sideways.  Negative emotions as well as positive emotions left unexpressed can cause serious problems later.  I know that.  I still suffer consequences from this.  So, I see the need, and I need to fearlessly face it.

So, today, I will be open to the burning of the Spirit of my master in my life, should He bring it.  And I will consider the implications of expressing it.  And I will express it once I determine that it comes from my Master.  One practical way I can do this is one way I see these come on me.  I will sometimes be struck by an idea from a song or passage that plays on my mind and will not go away.  And while I am driving or just by myself, I will begin to formulate a sermon on it (as I once said, I believe I am a better preacher than pastor).  When those times come on me, I don't take the time to write the sermon out.  I know how, I just don't do it.  Perhaps that would be one way I could express such "burning within", at least that form.  I have a thumb-drive I keep with me most of the time, so there is no real reason I couldn't do this at work or home. 

So that will be one way I will seek to express the next "fire in my bones" as Jeremiah (another ministry buddy of mine) put it.  Perhaps if I like it, I'll post it.  Or perhaps, if it happens enough, I can make a new blog from them.  I'll bet they would be faster to read than if I preached them.  At least that has been my experience.  I am a preacher after all, so I am rarely without something additional to say.  Good day. :)

How Does God Treat My Depression?

Today, Chambers uses the example of the angel's treatment of Elijah in 1 Kings 19 as an example of how God treats the depression of His people.  I'm not sure this the best example since his curative is when the angel tells Elijah to arise and eat.  The rest of the story does not seem to indicate that this worked for Elijah.  When he arrived at the mountain of God, he still seemed depressed.  Perhaps he was cured when God corrected his assessment from him being the only believer left to there being over 5000 in Israel.  He at least got a job, or rather marching orders in his current job.

Chambers is careful to point out that it is not doing the ordinary things that cures depression, but rather doing them in response to the prompting of the Spirit of God.  So, if Elijah had just gotten up and had breakfast at the local diner, he wouldn't have experienced the same level of success in overcoming depression.  Again, I'm not sure I would connect the two.  Or, if I did, it would be because it is contact with God which has the real effect.

I have had to use an RO Inhibitor to fight depression.  As it turns out, I have a predisposition to depression (isn't that depressing?).  I have to be very aware of my emotions so I can take action before I spend too much time there.  Times of depression are natural, and God created people with that capacity, but remaining there for extended periods of time is harmful.  My issue is compounded by not believing I have a right to be depressed so I don't quickly admit it, and then I make excuses for my symptoms after normal circumstances have resolved themselves.  Denial is one of my really bad habits.

So, how do I climb out of the pits of depression naturally occurring in this messed up world?  While my Master created me with the capacity for being depressed, I do not believe He created me to spend a majority of my life there.  How do I respond appropriately to life circumstances, avoiding denial on the way in?  And once there, how do I avoid denial so I can hear my Master's voice leading me out?  Have you ever been asked how far you can travel into the woods?  Half way, after that you are on your way out.  But half-way is often my favorite campsite.  When I am particularly stuck, I may call that campsite home.  That's a whole host of problems, not the least of which is where to go to the bathroom.  The normal debris of life pile up and compound the problem.

It is at this point that I believe Chambers has a good point.  The Spirit of God does connect with me, leading me to do the normal thing.  My inner spirit may rail against that with a litany of excuses, and one of my favorite is, "I've already tried that."  But it is the practice of obedience that transforms my ordinary actions into spiritual disciplines.  With that new aspect, washing dishes becomes a point of reflection of Jesus' telling the Pharisees to wash the inside of the cup, not just the outside.  Driving becomes an example of being careful without an expectation that people be polite; accepting the world as it is, not as I would have it (as in the complete serenity prayer).

The point is not the activity, but rather my obedience.  That is what changes the focus from my emotional pit to my connection with my Master.  It's not that I am somehow magically lifted from the pit, it is more that the pit becomes a prayer closet, and eventually I am shown the door.  But in the mean time, I am communing with my Master in a dark and intimate place.  I meet Him and He meets me.  We share, and I come off much better (He is so much better company than me in my depressed state, trust me).  I am transformed in much the same way normal communing with God transforms, but there is something compressed and powerful about these times.  As an example, this blog is one of the things that has come out of my last "pit-y party".  So, thank you for being a part of my therapy.